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Daisy77
member
DD#1~8/17/96------DS~10/24/05
"Kicking the tires"-did you?
Daisy77
member
I'm not going to lie, all this Duggar talk intrigued me so I pulled up their show on Netflix (I have just read articles, seen clips, talk shows, etc.). I have been watching the first season while doing some coloring on some ABC cards for the little kids. Very little is new to what I already know but one thing really stuck out as being more extreme than I remember....
That "only hand-holding till marriage" concept...not sure I could ever be on board with that. I mean, what if you got married and it sucked? I realize that couples can work on that but what if there is little chemistry? Do you believe their can be intimacy with a lack of chemistry? I know they talked about the baggage that can come from previous relationships but I felt I learned from my "baggage."
Anyway, how about you? I had DD#1 before I met DH so I clearly wasn't his first and I know for a fact that I wasn't his. And no kissing until the wedding day? Yeah, that wouldn't have flown either:)
DD#1~8/17/96------DS~10/24/05
This discussion has been closed.
Re: "Kicking the tires"-did you?
But I think their standards are so different than most of us that those things don't have the same weight/value, you know?
I could expand, but I'm enjoying not thinking while drinking my Dogfish Head. Maybe I will come back.
edited for typos - uh oh, the beer may be kicking in!
I guess I can understand where the Duggars are coming from, though...if you expect your kids to get married at age 18, then I guess you wouldn't want them to be too experienced at that point.
I got married at the age of 31 and I didn't live in a nunnery in my 20s. Enough said.
While I think the no kissing may be extreme, there is definitely something to a lack of physical affection creating greater intimacy in the beginning. DH and I didn't have sex for about 3 months after we began dating. May not seem long to some, but it was for both of us. I was through giving myself up for no commitment, so I'd made a vow to myself to change. We had such a great understanding of each other by the time we finally did that it just made everything that much better.
To the Duggars, kissing alone is very intimate. And, they really don't "court" for too long, months at most, so it's not like going years with nothing.
DH was my first, but I was not his. I am happy with how things are, even though I was a tiny bit insecure at first.
Clearly you missed the sex poll that happened a few weeks ago lol.
I was not really a hand-holding kind of gal
DS 3.12.08
DD 7.11.09
DD 8.01.13
I think (and I'm sure I'll get flamed for this) that its essential for the tires to "get kicked" and even go so far as to say that you never truly know someone until you live with them. Not spending the night, or weekends, but full-on living together, figuring out finances, chores, etc.
There are so many posts on the Relationships/Sex & Romance/TIP boards about this very issue. The couples waited until the big day (for their personal reasons, which is fine) and then bam! there are MAJOR issues. And what seems to be the common theme is that the new bride wants to jump her H all.the.time and he has no interest at all in having a physical relationship. This results, of course, in lots of fights, hurt feelings and major self-esteem issues. Part of me admires that kind of will-power and part of me thinks that its a potential huge red flag.
As far as the hand-holding only thing? Um, yeah, no. How on earth would you ever know if you have any chemistry? I mean, your partner could be hot as hell but there's no spark. And that would suck big hairy donkey balls.
I also think it encourages kids (yeah, I'm obviously, um, shall we say older) to get married because their hormones are going crazy and they just want to get their freak on and this leads to many poor decisions because they aren't thinking with a few more years of life experiences under their belts, really being "grown up" (the human brain doesn't finish maturing until 25), really knowing who you are, etc. So, you get hitched so you can get your brains banged out and then you wake up one morning and realize that you don't really like the person to whom you've committed yourself. I'm not saying these situations can't work out ever, but I can't fathom being married to the guy I was dating in HS. Or college. Or after.
It took me until my late 20s to meet now-DH and I was 31 when we got married. I'm glad I waited to get married until I was older and I'm glad I had a few turns around the block - it helped me figure out what I wanted and didn't want in a spouse.
Same here, except I was in my mid 20's when DH & I met, same age of marriage. Yeah, there were a few before him that I should've kicked to the curb sooner rather than later, but I learned something very important about what I did & didn't want in my future husband.
Tires were kicked.
I personally think it's worth it to test drive a bit before settling down. Not that everyone should, just me personally.
And to answer the other question, I think it is possible to have intimacy without chemistry, but I don't think you can have hot hot fiery sex without chemistry. I think you can a different kind of intimacy, though, based on friendship and the love that comes out of it.
Lots of tires were kicked...and I don't regret it. Knew what I wanted and knew what I had when I finally found it! There is something to be said about experience.
Nope. Either I wouldn't have seen it or I would have screwed it up. I had a LOT of issues I needed to work out and was very self-destructive for a long time. So, even if I recognized it, I would have managed to purposefully screw it up because I wouldn't have felt I "deserved" someone like him.
(How's THAT for an answer?? LOL)
I had fun in my 20's, let just put it that way (okay, and even in my teens too). DH and I had been living together for abut a year before we got married.
But I didn't get married until I was 30, and wasn't raised in a religious home. As for chemistry... Not kissing is extreme, but I feel like it's possible to know if there's chemistry or not even without having sex.
Lurking.
Virgin on my wedding night and we were one of those that didn't kiss til we we said I Do. Strange, yeah.
I didn't need to kick the tires to know that I loved him. He didn't need to "try before he bought" before we married. I got married 2 weeks before my 31st birthday. He was 34. We dated 11 months. Were engaged 9 months.
Great relationship inside and outside of the bedroom. It's a personal choice that we felt God called us to make, not because we were afraid of anything or were hiding anything or didn't want to face reality.
I did learn more about him once I started living with him (once we got married), but nothing that made me regret marrying him or anything. If we couldn't communicate on things before marriage, figuring out the soap dish problem wasn't going to be our big issue. Combining finances wasn't a big deal - we agreed on all that during pre-marriage counseling.