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Natural Birth
10 months later, I still feel like a failure (long)
*I am not in any way, shape or form criticizing other women who chose an epidural. This is just a personal struggle I've been going through for a long time, and I need to know how to get over my feelings of "giving in" too easily.
Ever since I got pregnant last year, I was 100% committed to having a natural, med-free birth. I found an OB who was very supportive of my decision, a hospital that is known for it's low c-section rate and support of natural births, and DH and I took the hypnobirthing class. I watched BOBB over and over again, I read as many books as I could get my hands on, practiced my breathing every night, etc. I felt as prepared as I could possibly be.
I was 10 days past my due date with DS, and at my last appointment my OB recommended induction (my blood pressure was sky high, I had gained 4 lbs in a week, and my feet, ankles, hands and face were horribly swollen). I agreed to the induction, and I'm still not sure if I made the right decision. I was on Pitocin for 9 hours, and even though the contractions were VERY strong, I was able to breathe through them. Unfortunately I didn't progress at all, so the OB put me on Cervadil. That sent me right over the edge; I went from 0-60 in no time at all. I was having horrible back labor, the contractions were incredibly strong and I barely had time to catch my breath before another one came on. After 19 hours, I was vomiting all over the bathroom, I hadn't slept in 36 hours, and I broke down sobbing and asked for an epidural. DH asked me if I was sure, and I was in the midst of another contraction and said yes, I just couldn't do it anymore.
8 hours later my beautiful son was born, and while I was obviously overjoyed, the whole thing felt like an out of body experience. The epidural did exactly what I was afraid of-I couldn't feel ANYTHING. The nurse had to tell me when to push, because I couldn't even feel the pressure. My right leg was dead weight, and when I tried to stand up to use the bathroom after my son was born, I collapsed (fortunately DH was there to catch me).
The OB told me it was a good thing I ended up getting the epidural, since I had such a long labor she didn't think I would have had the energy to push when the time came. Maybe she's right, but I just feel like such a failure. I felt like I gave in too easily when the pain was so intense, and I didn't try hard enough to give my baby a natural birth. We plan on having more children, and I so desperately want to have a natural birth the next time around, but I'm terrified that I will let the pain/sleep dep/etc get the better of me again. Has anyone else gone through this? If so how did you cope with your feelings, and what did you do differently the second time?
TIA and sorry this was so long.
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Re: 10 months later, I still feel like a failure (long)
First of all, you sound like a superhero to me. You did the reasonable thing under YOUR circumstances. I did have a natural birth, but the whole thing took 5 hours. You went med-free for practically 4 times as long as I was even in labour.
Are you in a city? Is there a local ICAN chapter? It might really help to be able to talk to other women that didn't have the birth experience they wanted (even though you didn't have a c-section).
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First and foremost a thousand
!!! I don't know a 1000% what you're dealing with but if you read my posts from after DS was born I have regrets(ugh I hate typing this because I try to live regret free). I was also induced and the contractions were awful,but bearable. I got to a point where I didn't know how much longer it'd be and I just wanted a little rest so I caved and got Nubain. So I can relate to doing things you would have done differently.
Keep in mind its ok to grieve the loss of the experience that you wanted. It's ok to be upset and frustrated. I found myself sinking into depression over the experience,had more to do with my OB and her treatment of me, and sought counseling. Talking with others has helped me to processes my thoughts/feelings.
If we have another child(ren) I've set down some rules/expectations 1) everything changes/happens for a reason. I feel that God allows us to experience something so that we can help others. 2) I will have a doula...DH is a great help,but didn't get the whole birth process 3) I want to use a birth center or home birth. 4) I will set realistic expectations of myself. One contraction at a time and one decision at a time.
Thank you very much for your kind words. I think this last paragraph is a very good way of looking at things, especially the "one contraction at a time." I would also consider getting a doula next time, too. Even though DH practiced the light touch massage at our hypnobirthing classes, he told me later he felt very helpless and freaked out when he saw how much pain I was in.
It is really hard when things don't go the way they should. I was in labor for three days with no sleep before I called my MW in tears. I had dilated in those three days to 2 CM! After 7 hours at the hospital DD was worn out and we ended up with a c/s. I think it was necessary at the time, but I do run over what I could have done differently to get the NB I had planned for.
It is okay to grieve that experience. You are not a failure. Sometimes circumstances really are just beyond our control. {hugs}
Thank you to everyone who responded. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one out there who feels this way, and I'm sorry that you ladies didn't have the birth experience you had hoped for either. I'm going to try and focus on my second birth (which probably won't be for at least another year and a half, so I have some time to prepare), and I will look in to getting a doula this time.
I appreciate hearing all of your experiences. Thank you again.
HUGS
having a disappointing birth, no matter what the disappointment, can often take a long time to resolve. my son is almost 5 and just yesterday i had a (minor) meltdown over his birth (homebirth, transfer at 37hrs for c/s, terrible emotional recovery).
the only thing you can do is be committed to healing. for me, that meant talking about it, sharing my story, helping other women to not make the mistakes i thought i'd made or that were made around me, and ultimately professional therapy. i also went to ICAN meetings and this was tremendously helpful. just being in a room with other women who knew what i felt like and being free to cry in front of them, with them, for them was therapeutic.
when i thought about getting pregnant again, i knew that my next baby deserved a fresh start and deserved a healthy, happy mom. so it became incredibly important to me to do things differently and to be less stressed and angry and resentful. i worked really friggin hard at this! i also took really good care of my body, tried to be conscious of my diet, exercise regularly, i did regular chiro, acupuncture and massage. i really felt good going into labor - physically and emotionally.
i had a wonderful birth with my second. everything i hoped for. but it still didn't change my son's birth. that birth was still with me.
what helped me the most in my healing process was hypnotherapy. i was able to release my negative emotions, replace my anxieties with supportive, positive and optimistic thoughts. i was able to change my energy and change my life. it was an amazing transformation - and pretty damn permanent! it was so monumental, that i decided to take all my knowledge about pregnancy, birth and post partum support, all my inner advocate and all my nurturing and healing talents and i became a hypnotherapist. i specialize in the needs of women during their childbearing years. i work regularly wtih women who are right where you are. and i help them release their pain and negative energy so that they can actually begin healing.
perhaps your hypnobirthing practitioner can help you identify a qualified hypnotherapist. avoid commercialized providers, and especially those who are gimmicky. you want to find someone who is truly committed to healing, not someone who "has a CD for that."
sharing love and light with you always,
Lindsey
I can't imagine how you are feeling, but in my opinion, you did the right thing.
If you didn't have the energy to push your little guy out, you would have had to get a C-section.
With my first, I had planned on getting the epidural & all the pain meds I possibly could. When my water broke at home(15 minutes from hospital) my mom barely got me to the hospital in time before my baby popped out, which meant, no pain meds, no epidural.
Birth plans don't always go the way you want, but you really should be confident that you made the right decision. Even while you were still in labor, you didn't want it. Then it was just too much, which is completely understandable.
Just think about this, the human body is able to take only 45 decibels of pain, but while in labor a woman experiences 57 decibels. 57 decibels!!! that's comparable to getting 20 bones crushed all at once. When you're body says you can't take anymore, you need to trust it.
You made it!! And you got an adorable little boy at the same time!! So good job!!!
You went through 36 hours of induced labor without pain medication? That doesn't sound like failure to me at all. Congratulations!
I hope you see your birth story in a different light as time passes.
Oh sweetie! I"m so sorry you feel this way. I know that I felt similar feelings (and no one ever made me feel bad..it was all self inflicted guilt). After being on pitocin for just 10 hours and feeling like I wasn't making progress, I also requested an epi.
Your OB sounded very supportive, and your high blood pressure was a real concern, clearly not done just for the docs convenience or anything.
You did a great job laboring as long as you did with pitocin, cervadil, and no epi. An epidural is a tool, and you utlized that tool when you truly needed it. I'm sorry that you didn't get to feel everything- that's something I wanted too, so I know what you mean.
For me, the best things that helped were writing out my feelings, getting support from women who would understand, and time.
You are not a failure, and I don't think you gave in too easily. Sometimes things happen that are beyond our control, and while it's okay to mourn the birth experience you did not get, please know that you did a great job, and your baby is lucky to have you as a mother. ((HUGS))
i think i know what you are trying to convey here, but labor is not an injury and the sensations a woman's body experiences during labor are not comparable to broken bones. some women can take much more intense sensations during labor than others and all of us planning unmedicated births do our very best to accomplish that goal.
Oh my goodness, I'm so glad you posted this. I felt the exact same way after my son's birth, and it's always brought me a lot of guilt, that I delivered vaginally and still felt like a failure. I tried so hard to feel like it was an accomplishment either way, but I so regretted "caving" as I called it and getting an epidural. I had been planning a home birth, so my going to the hospital for pain meds entailed a rather drastic change in my birth plan. Then, when I got the epi, I had gone from 4cm to 7cm in just 4 hours, which was great progress, but I wasn't given time to change my mind and not get the epi, because the anesthesiologist was right there. 3 hours labour I hadn't made any progress, they had to augment with pit, and DS and I were both running a fever by the time he was born. I also ended up hemorrhaging a fair bit, which is a side-effect of augmentation and epi's.
In hindsight, I've always wondered when he might have been delivered by if I hadn't got the epi. I know I would have felt better about myself, because I felt like I hadn't really given it my all.
This time around, I talked with my MW about it all, and she thought that perhaps my son was posterior (based on a few aspects of my labour pattern and the fluid bumps my son was born with on his head...) Knowing that there might have been something making my labour more difficult helped me to forgive myself a little.
I also decided that for my daughter's birth I wanted and needed more emotional support than I had, because the MW from my son's birth was really bossy and not supportive. I had plans to have DH, my MIL, and a few friends at the birth. I read about natural birth more than I had with my son (Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, and Birthing From Within, in case you're interested!) and practiced some of the pain coping techniques before I went into labour, so that I could remember them when I was labouring. I also wrote a birth "plan" that was basically a list of things I could try to do to either ease the pain or help labour progress. The list helped me to remember everything I had read, and also gave me something to give to my support team as guidance.
Ultimately, though, what helped me heal the most after my son's birth was feeling like we finally got it "right" with my daughter's birth. Which sucks when you think about it, because you can't guarantee a better experience the 2nd time around, you can only hope and prepare for it.
I think, though, that there are a lot of people who feel as you do. I'm sorry your experience was not what you wanted it to be, but please try to give yourself credit for what you DID accomplish. You lasted a really long time without pain meds, and having one long birth certainly does not mean you're doomed to have another one next time.
Thanks you ladies. I really appreciate all the support and advice, and I'm going to do everything I can to try and see the whole experience in a different light. I really like the idea of writing down my feelings when I'm getting down on myself about my son's birth. I think part of me also feels guilty for having these regrets, because I ended up with a healthy baby, and that was certainly the most important thing to me. (Yes, I am a cesspool of guilt. I chalk that up to my Italian Catholic upbringing!).
In any case, it's been amazingly helpful hearing your stores and your encouragement.
I'm so glad I found this board!
The outcome of the birth and the birth experience can be separated. You can be thrilled to pieces that your son is here, happy, and healthy, yet at the same time, be upset about how he got here. KWIM?
I am glad this helped you, but these statements are what cause women like me and the OP to have trouble dealing with the way our experiences went.
And gosh darn it Chrome won't let me bold!