Vent/rant/whine: why can't my mom just be supportive?

Lisichka · November 2011

I took my mom to my a/s this morning, I figured it'd be a fun bonding experience (especially since she's never even seen an u/s done before). She was all smiles the whole time we were there, so I thought it was going great! Except on the way back, she started on this rant about how we shouldn't be moving right before the second baby is born (we're moving this weekend) and that we should've stayed at our current place for at least another year (we're about 10 minutes away from my parents and about 40 minutes away from ILs). She was going on and on about how the first year with the baby is the hardest and how nobody will be able to come to our new house as often to help out. And about how I won't be able to deal with a toddler and a newborn and somebody is going to have to sacrifice something (be it sleep or activities or dr's visits, etc.)

Then she went on to say how with my health, I don't need all that extra stress (I have epilepsy, for crying out loud, and it's very well controlled!) And that we would've been ok in our current apartment and could've just put the baby's crib in our room for the first year or so, since we only have 2 bedrooms. Then she moved on to how we didn't give DD any water when she was an infant (we've researched and talked to her pedi, etc.) and why don't I try not drinking any water for a couple of days, and that BM is "food", not "liquid". She also said something about how FF babies don't need any water (because you know, you make formula with water, duh!), but BF babies do... By this point, my head was spinning! I'm sure there was more, but this is getting so long as it is.

And the thing is I don't know why I let her get to me like that, she's always been of the opinion that her way is the right way to do things (even saying things like "I've done this before, you know" and "well, it's just common sense") I guess I'm just having a hard time dealing with such an unsupportive mom! I don't know what exactly I was expecting really...

Sorry, this got long. Thanks for listening, if you got this far!

P.S. And I'm trying not to be too hard on her either, because we found out about a month ago that my sister and her new DH decided to up and move to Boston, so I get that it's all stressing her out, but come on!

lhamilto13 · November 2011

So sorry you are going through that. And you are right, you do NOT give water to a newborn!! I don't know why people think that.

MTAtlanta · November 2011

she's always been of the opinion that her way is the right way to do things

Yep. Sorry, I have nothing to offer as far as suggestions-just empathy. Maybe someone else will have some advice for the both of us! Angry

Mrs_MBed · November 2011

My mom has been driving me nuts this pg as well (and did for the other two, just to be honest). I am sorry that you have to deal with this. I think that its hard when things like this come from our moms, just b/c they're our moms and we want them to be incredibly supportive. I've found other people to "fill in" for mine, which has helped somewhat.

kmhunt11 · November 2011

Ugh. I feel your pain here. My mom turns on the opinionatedness from time to time and I have to bite my tongue. It doesn't do any good to argue with her. Once in awhile she crosses a line and I have to snap at her but it doesn't change anything. DH's job moved us from TN to Seattle in January and she's still b*tching about it. Obviously we didn't have a choice. Obviously it wasn't ideal. Why guilt me about it? Or him, for that matter! Like he doesn't feel bad enough!

kris2131 · November 2011

I'm sorry your mom is being like that.

My mom is being somewhat of a pain as well. For her, she's in denial I'm having a boy. She's said things like "everything except the genitals" when we told her the doc said he looked perfect during the u/s. Or when she told me she wasn't going to change his diapers because she didn't want to get peed on. Or "well, I had all girls, so it looks like my girls are destined to have all boys" and I'm the first of her girls to get pregnant and this is her first grandchild. Or this morning I was talking to her she told me that her stepmom asked if we knew what we were having and she said "well, they said they're having a boy..." No, I'm sorry. We are having a boy. There was no question during the u/s, we saw the scrotum. We weren't looking at the cord. She also hates his name, so she refers to him as "the baby" but at least she's stopped trying to get us to change it.

psychgirl33 · November 2011

I don't have any advice, just wanted to say I'm sorry! That sounds very stressful! ((hugs))

Lisichka · November 2011

kris2131:
I'm sorry your mom is being like that.

My mom is being somewhat of a pain as well. For her, she's in denial I'm having a boy. She's said things like "everything except the genitals" when we told her the doc said he looked perfect during the u/s. Or when she told me she wasn't going to change his diapers because she didn't want to get peed on. Or "well, I had all girls, so it looks like my girls are destined to have all boys" and I'm the first of her girls to get pregnant and this is her first grandchild. Or this morning I was talking to her she told me that her stepmom asked if we knew what we were having and she said "well, they said they're having a boy..." No, I'm sorry. We are having a boy. There was no question during the u/s, we saw the scrotum. We weren't looking at the cord. She also hates his name, so she refers to him as "the baby" but at least she's stopped trying to get us to change it.

OMG, that's horrible!! My mom is also not hiding the fact that she wanted another girl, but she's not nearly as rude as your mom! I'd be pretty pissed off with her. She did say today something like "Oh, you just did this to spite me, you knew I wanted a girl" Yes, mom, I got pregnant with a boy on purpose! Then she proceeded to tell me to learn to take a joke!

And psych, you're having a girl?! How exciting!! Love her name! Smile

greengirl0909 · November 2011

It sounds like your mom is a lot like my mom. I have a hard time understanding why she says some of the things to me that she says. Fortunately, my boss is also just like her and gave me this advice: Remember, YOU are always your MOM's baby. So just like you are worrying about your growing child, she worries about you, she just isn't sure how to say it without showing her fears. It made sense to me!

Sparks in training! · November 2011

It must be MOM day! Sorry. I have to wonder...if just maybe...there is some jealousy involved. You know.... they cant experiance this anymore.

My mom does nothing but take constant little jabs. You are not alone in mom drama. I just hope that I have and will have a better relationship with my daughter.

kmhunt11 · November 2011

Sparks in training!:
It must be MOM day! Sorry. I have to wonder...if just maybe...there is some jealousy involved. You know.... they cant experiance this anymore.

My mom does nothing but take constant little jabs. You are not alone in mom drama. I just hope that I have and will have a better relationship with my daughter.

Interesting thought! I bet you're right. I've been telling my daughter since she was teeny tiny that we'll do better, and I'll never make her feel like this. I can't say those things to her anymore because she actually understands me now!

kris2131 · November 2011

Lisichka:
kris2131:

I'm sorry your mom is being like that.

My mom is being somewhat of a pain as well. For her, she's in denial I'm having a boy. She's said things like "everything except the genitals" when we told her the doc said he looked perfect during the u/s. Or when she told me she wasn't going to change his diapers because she didn't want to get peed on. Or "well, I had all girls, so it looks like my girls are destined to have all boys" and I'm the first of her girls to get pregnant and this is her first grandchild. Or this morning I was talking to her she told me that her stepmom asked if we knew what we were having and she said "well, they said they're having a boy..." No, I'm sorry. We are having a boy. There was no question during the u/s, we saw the scrotum. We weren't looking at the cord. She also hates his name, so she refers to him as "the baby" but at least she's stopped trying to get us to change it.

OMG, that's horrible!! My mom is also not hiding the fact that she wanted another girl, but she's not nearly as rude as your mom! I'd be pretty pissed off with her. She did say today something like "Oh, you just did this to spite me, you knew I wanted a girl" Yes, mom, I got pregnant with a boy on purpose! Then she proceeded to tell me to learn to take a joke!

And psych, you're having a girl?! How exciting!! Love her name!

My mom does the same. She claims to be joking around, even though we all know there's an element of truth in there, but if we say anything she says "oh I'm only joking. Don't be so serious" or "learn to take a joke."

MamaValley · November 2011

To play devil's advocate here, is it possible that all of the talk about how you shouldn't move came from her desire to keep you near her when you're having a new baby? I read that first paragraph and all I could think was that it sounds like your mom saw the ultrasound and was affected by it. Maybe it hit her that you will no longer be 10 minutes away... She may be saying all of that as a way to try to convince you to stay close to her so she can spend time with you and baby. I don't know about the rest of her nagging, but I think the moving stuff was possibly all said as a way to try to get you to stay near her. Just something to think about.

gothgrrl · November 2011

Sounds like many of us have mom issues - I am sorry about your situation - you don't need the stress of your mom's badgering (much more stressful than a move, I would imagine).

I have my issues with my mother, too - mainly that she is not choosing to defend me when my brother's fiance says things to my other family members about how I am not fit to be a mom and shares her other delusions...mom doesn't want to upset my brother...how sweet.

So, I wish you the best - venting can be helpful!!

waltzingmatilda13 · November 2011

kris2131:

My mom is being somewhat of a pain as well. For her, she's in denial I'm having a boy. She's said things like "everything except the genitals" when we told her the doc said he looked perfect during the u/s.

Surprise That's horrible! I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.

KCD053109 · November 2011

I feel your pain. I live 5 minutes from my mom and my DD spends every Friday night with her and my dad. And I feel like every w/e is spent deprogramming DD. Just this past w/e we actually took a family vacation to the mountains and stayed in a cabin with them, my sister and her DD, and my younger brother.

DD told her that she didn't pack a book to read (she's nearly 8) and I told my mom that I was fairly confident that DD had indeed packed a book to read and must've left it in the van. She retorts that I should know to check and make sure; and says this while WAGGING her finger at me. I replied that I was fairly certain that DD had indeed packed a book and that I didn't appreciate nor wanted to be lectured by her. She protested that she wasn't lecturing me. Of course, I responded, "I'm sorry, but when you're wagging your finger like this and saying that, it IS lecturing." She refuses to admit she wagged her finger but I stood my ground and then she is all sorts of pissed off looking and tells me to "Just shut the f**k up." Indifferent

That's just a for example for ya.

Now, my parents have helped me out a LOT over the years and I'm greatly appreciative of their help and realize that I am lucky to have caring grandparents in my DD's life; I do NOT need to be reverted back to 12 year old status instead of 32. My mom constantly undermines my parenting decisions and questions me frequently and obviously I don't do anything up to her standards.

We got along sooooo much better when I lived 2 hours away.

I've got no advice since I'm still trying to figure out how to handle my mother and still be a respectful daughter myself. The patience is wearing thin though and even my DH has gotten several doses of her medicine and wants to move far far far away asap.

As far as this pregnancy? Yeah, DD should've been an only child according to my DM. Huh?

Lisichka · November 2011

MamaValley:
To play devil's advocate here, is it possible that all of the talk about how you shouldn't move came from her desire to keep you near her when you're having a new baby? I read that first paragraph and all I could think was that it sounds like your mom saw the ultrasound and was affected by it. Maybe it hit her that you will no longer be 10 minutes away... She may be saying all of that as a way to try to convince you to stay close to her so she can spend time with you and baby. I don't know about the rest of her nagging, but I think the moving stuff was possibly all said as a way to try to get you to stay near her. Just something to think about.

You're right, I know she loves seeing us on a regular basis. But she's definitely said these things about not wanting us to move before. And the thing is though, we've already bought the house, we've started moving boxes in there and painting the walls! I know she'll miss us terribly, but we're moving an hour away, not across the country! And she kept saying how they have such busy weekends, and she doesn't drive, so it'll all be on my dad. Kinda sounds guilt-tripp-y to me.

Oh, but she just called and asked if I wanted her to come over and help with packing while DD is in school, so maybe she did hear some of what I was telling her!

MamaValley · November 2011

Lisichka:

MamaValley:
To play devil's advocate here, is it possible that all of the talk about how you shouldn't move came from her desire to keep you near her when you're having a new baby? I read that first paragraph and all I could think was that it sounds like your mom saw the ultrasound and was affected by it. Maybe it hit her that you will no longer be 10 minutes away... She may be saying all of that as a way to try to convince you to stay close to her so she can spend time with you and baby. I don't know about the rest of her nagging, but I think the moving stuff was possibly all said as a way to try to get you to stay near her. Just something to think about.

You're right, I know she loves seeing us on a regular basis. But she's definitely said these things about not wanting us to move before. And the thing is though, we've already bought the house, we've started moving boxes in there and painting the walls! I know she'll miss us terribly, but we're moving an hour away, not across the country! And she kept saying how they have such busy weekends, and she doesn't drive, so it'll all be on my dad. Kinda sounds guilt-tripp-y to me.

Oh, but she just called and asked if I wanted her to come over and help with packing while DD is in school, so maybe she did hear some of what I was telling her!

Well I'm glad you're getting a little support Smile Now hopefully she goes easy on you and doesn't give you a hard time when you're packing. Fingers crossed!!

kris2131 · November 2011

waltzingmatilda13:
kris2131:

My mom is being somewhat of a pain as well. For her, she's in denial I'm having a boy. She's said things like "everything except the genitals" when we told her the doc said he looked perfect during the u/s.

That's horrible! I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.

Thanks. DH was there for that one, but the other stuff he doesn't know about and I'm hoping the topic never comes up for him to know.

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