School-Aged Children

First behavioural Issue

Soooooo my daughter got in trouble at school today for the first time.  She's 8 years old, in 3rd grade.  Actually happened on the school bus and has BEEN happening for a few weeks, the principal only just now called to tell me about it because she is suspended from the school bus tomorrow.  Apparantly she and a group of kids from the same bus stop have been up to shenanigans on the bus--Yelling and chanting at the bus driver and yelling no when he asks them to settle down, etc.  The bus driver had been keeping a log of events and just turned it over to the principal, so I'm just hearing about it also--which I'm a little annoyed at but.

These same kids have bullyed my daughter in the past before so I'm assuming she is getting into trouble with them mostly to fit in.  She's still at school so I haven't had a chance to really sit and talk with her to get the story yet.

How would you guys handle this?  I like to hear other parents' experiences--what you would do, how a situation turned out--so I can decide on what I'll do based on information, I guess.  My first instinct is to have a talk with her, ground her from her games and stuff for a few days and possible have her write a letter of apology to the driver.  Depending, of course, on what her story of the situation is.

Any advice?  Anecdotes?  Thanks!

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Re: First behavioural Issue

  • Make her walk to school tomorrow?  I certainly wouldn't be letting her sleep in or anything b/c she doesn't have to get up as early to catch the bus.  A letter of apology to the bus driver would be good too. But, I think there's also a larger issue here.  You're only solving half the problem by giving your DD a consequence if you don't demand that the school deal with the bullying too. I can only imagine what will happen if she's learned her lesson, but the other kids haven't b/c they didn't have similar consequences at home.  And, I would want them to have much better communication about school bus behavior too. 
    DS1 age 7, DD age 5 and DS2 born 4/3/12
  • Thanks for the input, I appreciate it.

    Unfortunatly, we live in an area where walking to school isn't an option.  She will, however, be getting up earlier than usual and doing some studying before school.

    The other students have also been suspended from the bus.  In this instance, it wasn't bullying, just my kid doing what the bully kids were doing to try and 'fit in'.  She has this weird friendship/bullyship going on with the other girl who got in trouble, who lives a few houses down.  The girl kind of 'bullies' her into hanging out with her and making her do whatever she wants.  They also share a class--I've been in communication with the teacher who has been cool about it and has sat and talked with both parties and also convinced my daughter that it's okay to go play with other kids.

    Talking to the other girls' parents isn't an option either :(  I tried to the last time an issue came up but they're... not exactly friendly people and aren't open to discussing issues like this at all.  Her mother basically told me to mind my own business, only in much more colorful language.  So I have at home covered and the teacher looks out for her at school and encourages her to play with more positive friends but...  I guess the bus was the last place being micromanaged until now.

    Sigh :(

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  • I think you missed my point, your DD is being bullied and it will get worse unless the bully is dealt with, especially if she doesn't participate.  Your school should have a 100% anti-bully policy and education on anti-bullying that extends to the bus, as well.  I would demand that they keep you up to date on the situation in school and on the bus and that any bully behavior be dealt with at the school level immediately. 
    DS1 age 7, DD age 5 and DS2 born 4/3/12
  • I think you need to be careful of two things...one, if your daughter is truly being bullied, you need to be very careful and proactive about the whole thing. Go to the school, not the parents. The school should deal with the parents of the other child. 

    Second, if she is doing these things to "fit in", that is different then being bullied. She is wanting to be friends with these kids and apparently doesn't care if she is doing the wrong thing to be able to do it. You need to make it clear to her that it isn't acceptable no matter what her past with this kid is. 

  • My son got in a lot of touble last year (7 years old in 1st grade).  It was difficult, but I would ask for his story and question his reason/motive.  He was picked on a lot at school and pegged as the bad kid.  He was constantly suspended from recess or school.  I tried to get him to think about the bigger picture in kid terms i.e. how his actions affected others (students, teachers, etc.)  We talked about different ways to handle situations and continued to talk about it all summer. We changed schools due to a move and this year is 100% different.  I think the school really needs to be aware of the bullying issue (I don't think I spoke to the school enough about it in my son's case) but your daughter also should understand that doesn't justify the action.
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  • I'm also side-eyeing your "bully" reference.  If your dd does not have a strong personality and goes along with someone who is more aggressive, that doesn't mean your dd was bullied.  It sounds as if your dd is making poor choices due to peer pressure from a stronger personality.

    Also, the teacher telling your dd "it's ok to play with other kids," doesn't sound like a bully situation.  It seems your dd either WANTS to play with this girl, or the girl is demanding your dd play only with her, and your dd caves.  That's completely different from, for example, a situation where a bully tells all of the other girls in the class NOT to play with your daughter and the other girls (and boys) comply b/c they are afraid of being shut out themselves.

    I think you need to take more ownership for your daughter's actions.  SHE made a choice.   There are other kids on the bus who did not get thrown off, so your daughter would not have been the only child who did not go along with "mean girl." 

    Is there another child on the bus that you can pair dd with?  Boy or girl, someone your dd can sit with and NOT get int trouble?  I'd sit down with that parent and ask for their help.  Even if there is already a pair, maybe your dd can sit near them. 

    In class, I would ask the teacher to pair your daughter up for one-on-one play or work with other girls so that your dd has stronger friendships inside the class. 

    You can explain to your dd that just because "mean girl" lives on your block doesn't mean you need to be friends with her.  Offer to have other girls over for playdates (even if you work, find a weekend day to invite someone over). 

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • I agree with the PP.  I am skeptical of your "bully" reference, as well.  In fact, I think the word bullying is being thrown around too much these days! (not just in your example, but in general)

    Being suspended off the bus is a big deal in my book.  Being a teacher, I see that there is a very small percentage that happens to.  So, my daughter would definitely be punished.  Like you said, waking up early.  And then for her it would be losing her TV time.  That is big- for her! 

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  • I'm late to the party on this post, but I'll throw my $.02 in anyway.  I'm sure at this point you've already discussed it with your DD, but here's what I think:

    I think you have to deal with the short term issue of bus behavior.  This is a relatively easy and clear cut situation to deal with.  But you also have this on going issue long term issue of developing the strength of character and assertiveness to deal with other kids who try to make trouble, either by bullying or by interacting with your own kid in a less-than-fantastic way.

    Short Term: I would treat this very matter-of-factly and then put it behind the both of you. She writes a letter of apology to the bus driver.  You talk to her about how it probably feels to BE the bus driver in this situation and get her to develop empathy for the bus driver.  To repay you for the inconvenience of driving her to school, she has some appropriate consequence or job around the house. 

    Long Term:  I would be quite concerned about what this incident says about my child's ability to stand up for herself and make good choices.  Use this situation as an excuse to have a major talk with your daughter.  The goal of this talk should be supporting your DD and giving her methods she can use to handle situations when she is pushed by others-- i.e., this mean girl -- to do something that makes her uncomfortable (play together at recess, misbehave on the bus, treat others unkindly, etc.)  Let her know what your expectations are: that you expect her to stand up for what she knows is right and to make good choices.

    If you set high expectations of her, she'll strive to meet them.  Even if this kid attempts to bully her, she'll be more likely to see herself as the stronger person who has to put up with this other kid's nonsense.   If you portray her as the victim of a more powerful bullying kid, she'll see herself as a weakened victim, and she will play that part!

    High School English teacher and mom of 2 kids:

    DD, born 9/06/00 -- 12th grade
    DS, born 8/25/04 -- 7th grade
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