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Single Parents
Seeking Advice - Domestic Abuse (Super Long)
This may get long and I apologize. I created an AE especially for this post as there are some IRL people that know me on here and I'm not ready to let anyone know what is going on. I promise it is not MUD.
I have been with my husband for 3 years, we have a son who turns 1 next week and I am currently 9 weeks pregnant. He has always had an anger problem and a drinking problem. When he mixes the two together it gets ugly. We have had minor altercations in the past but nothing very serious. Some pushing and threatening words, but nothing quite like what happened this weekend.
Saturday he went to a cancer benefit with some friends and came home completely wasted. He began getting rowdy over at his friends house. Threatening to kill his friends father and then proceeding to head butt his friend in the face. There was no logical reason behind it and no one know what provoked it. I was at home at the time so I had no idea what was going on. I guess he returned home after friend's GF kicked him out.
I'll try not to get too much into details but when he came home I basically said I didn't want to speak with him while he was drunk, wanted him to stay away from me and leave me alone for the night. We would talk when he sobered up. Well he didn't like that idea. It went from forcing me down, pinning me to the bed with his forearms. I told him if he physically hurt him that I would contact police. Maybe it was the wrong thing to say at the time, I'm not sure. But from there he proceeded to punch me 3 times in the face and head, pull forefully on my ears and rip out a chunk of my hair. As I tried to get away he grabbed me in a chokehold from behind and then punched me twice more in the back of the head. The whole time he kept mumbling about killing me and killing our son. At one point he even tried rolling me up in a blanket as if I was dead. He's a very very strong man and it's hopeless for me to try to fight him.
Anyways, the night ended with me calling his friend and barricading myself in our son's room with a knife. Friend called police and they showed up moments later. I gave a full recorded statement in complete honesty of what happened.
I have been in contact with him since. He does not recall anything that happened (hasn't been the first time). He's angry I made a statement and wanted me to try to do whatever I could to get him out. Being the idiot that I am, I called the detective on the case and tried to retract my statement. He told me that I would be arrested and jailed as well for domestic abuse and falsifying information. I admitted that my original statement was true. He also told me that they had enough evidence to prosecuted H with or without my statement. He will be charged and due to previous assaults on his record he will be doing between 3-5 years in prison.
I still love him very much and want to be there for him but my brain is telling me to get far away and protect my family. My son comes first before anything. Part of me keeps believing that H can change and stop drinking and be a better man.....but the abuse has only progressed since we've been married. I know I'm being stupid by thinking the way I do and I'm totally lost.
I do have a great job working for my parents company and I get to bring my son so I do have an income. I'll have to break the lease at my current apartment as there is no way I can afford to stay by myself.
My main question is. Where do I go from here? Where do I start? The police told me about a program called Home Free but I haven't looked into it as of yet. My biggest fear is that when H gets out he will come after me or attempt to get partial custody of our children. He has never hurt DS but I would still fear for his safety. Would his charges prevent him from getting custody? After H is charged and I know what is going on (which should be today or tomorrow) then I plan on contacting an attorney.
If you made it through all that thank you very much. Any advice you can give me is much appreciated.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Seeking Advice - Domestic Abuse (Super Long)
Google your area for women's shelters. They'll have resources for you in case you need to get out of your house, contacts for attorneys, etc.
DO NOT STAY WITH HIM. Let him do his time in jail. File for divorce, and move on.
Pack your bags and stay with your parents and/or a friend for a while. Do not be home when your H gets home. Or if you are, make sure someone else is there.
His behavior has escalated, not improved. His excuse of "I don't remember any of it" may be legit, but that is NO REASON to excuse him of his behavior. I'm dumbfounded that you tried to retract your statement.
Your H has clear anger and violence issues, and not just with you. He may not have harmed your son yet, but just the fact he was talking about killing you and your son is terrifying. Please get help. Now.
You need to stay away from this man for your safety, your son's safety, AND the relationship you have with your son. If you make any move to protect your husband the police will likely call CPS. They would likely open a case on you for concerns of domestic violence in your life and possible failure to protect your son from witnessing or being the victim of violence. Parents can lost temporary custody while they sort out the extent of the threat, and can also even lose parental rights based upon concerns of domestic violence.
Try to make each of your next decisions putting your son's needs above those of you husband. Your husband will need to manage this on his own.
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Definitely everything PPs have said. Please cut off contact with him and don't let him persuade you into meeting him or talking with him right now. You are still very weak and vulnerable and he will prey on this. Get into counseling ASAP. Your main concern is your son and your unborn child-you need to think of them and yourself first, not your H.
He is a threat to you and your children. You need to stay away from him. I would see if you can stay with family or somewhere safe like a domestic violence shelter, at least until you can get something else figured out.
Your situation is very similar to what I experienced with my STBXH. I can relate to everything you typed. Please do not interfer with the prosecution of your husband's case. No one is to blame but your husband for his actions, let him serve the time. Do not feel badly for him. Many times as a part of sentencing a restraining order is entered automatically so you and your children will be protected. (My children and I were protected with a 4-year restraining order when my husband was sentenced and I was automatically given custody of our daughter.)
While I was apart from my husband I grew the backbone I needed to get out. You can too. I also highly recommend reading Co-Dependent No More and Why Does He Do That - two great suggestions by Achase to me and others on this board.
Please IM me if you need someone to talk to you. Trust me, it does get better.
please please please do not have any contact with him. Take your son and go stay with a friend or a family member and do NOT tell him where you are. I know you love him, I know you are scared but his abuse is escalating. I have worked with domestic violence vicitms before. You have to protect your child and yourself. Do you know on average a woman leaves an abusive relationship 7 times? I completely undertstnad the fact that you still want to be with him. I am not trying to scare you but I have seen to many murder victims of domestic violence. The fact that he even threatened to kill you and your son needs to be taken seriously. You DESERVE more then this. You do not desrve to be hurt and your son deserves to be safe.
To start please contact a victims advocate or shelter. I can help you get in contact with someone from your city who will help you with this whole process. They can tell you where to go from here. The humber one thing right now is to keep you and your son safe. It sounds like you are ready to break free from him at least in your brain if not your heart. Listen to the logic. Get all important papers (bank acct info, birth cert. etc) find a safe place to stay. That is number one. Get a lawyer. They can help you file a protection order. If he has already been arrested for dv, i'd be surprised if the judge didnt grant it for you. This is going to sound scary and im sorry but I want you to know how worried I am for you. Most women who are murdered in a violent relationship are murdered when they are leaving that relationship. Please be careful. He will beg you, promise you, threaten you...but stay strong, do not go back. You dont deserve this.
Im sorry if I scared you or if you think im crazy for telling you this all but I cant help but worry. please please pm me. I can help you find out who to contact in your city. Vicitm advocates are very compassionate and knowledgeable. We can help you step by step. Please I can give you my email. I just want you and your son to be safe. Take care and remember you dont deserve to hurt.
My heart is pounding as I read your story. Please take care of yourself and your children. No amount of love for your husband will make this a safe situation for you.
Yes, his abuse may affect custody arrangements, but for now, focus on the immediate safety of you and your children!!
Thank you for all the wonderful and caring advice. I will be PMing a few of you tomorrow as I just put DS to bed and need sleep desperately myself.
It turns out that he has not yet been released and it's been past the 48 hour hold so I assuming they have ordered an extension before pressing charges. Perhaps to look into the case more? Anyway, I was told earlier that they will absolutely put a no contact order on him and they have already blocked all my numbers from being contacted from the jail. I was told there may even be a protection order put over my son as well if they see H as a threat to him.
I am going through with having DS's birthday party on Saturday despite everything and have already arranged a counseling session with our pastor the following day.
There is a ton to work through but I will be strong, if not for myself then for my son. I might not have a backbone for myself at times but I will always fight for my son. I also agree that although it may be hard for me now and I'm heartbroken over this. Years from now when he is finally released I will probably have healed through the pain and moved on with my life with no intention of looking back.
I am exhausted and headed to bed. I will be talking to some of you again tomorrow. Thanks again for the help and encouragement. It's amazing how a simple forum seems to give you strength that you couldn't have alone. Have a blessed night.
Thank you for checking back in with us -- I was really worried about you.
I would definitely call the courts and find out what the situation is with your H. If he's not going to be released on bail or if there are charges pending, you need to know this. Can they contact you if he's going to be released? Find this out as well. You need to know when he'll be coming home so you can protect yourself and your DS.
Please keep us updated and feel free to PM anyone that you want to talk to privately. Good luck to you.
Just wanted to update you all.
He is being charged with felony domestic abuse and terroristic threats. His bail was set at $50,000 which no one we know can afford, even with a bail bondsman. His first court appearance is set for tomorrow.
He is looking at 6 years due to prior assault and threat charges he has.
I feel horrible for him and my heart is breaking but I know it is for the best and he is being punished justfully for what he did.
My parents have told me they will support me in any way they can and they make good money so I know finding a new place to live will not be an issue right now.
I've been swamped at work so I haven't really had much time today to look deeper into things. That's all I know right now.
And yes, the cops did tell me that they would notify me if he was to be released but it doesn't look like it will come to that anyways.
I'm so glad you're safe. In my state, I was able to sign up for text and email notification that would alert me to any changes in XH's jailed status. I did find that the alerts were delayed by a few hours, so I'd be sure to have the cops tell you BEFORE he's released (if that ever becomes reality) so you have time to take any necessary precautions. Please continue to post. Good luck to you!