Doula

julesjarvais65 · November 2011

My friend has offered to step in as a doula for me, and I would really appreciate her being there, but my husband isn't comfortable with the idea. He thinks that he should be all the support I need. Any suggestions?

LadyTyler · November 2011

We plan to have someone to help because if I need water, food or anything else where someone needs to leave the room, I don't want to be left alone. Also, if it goes longer and I am wanting someone physically with me at all times, I think hubby will need a few breaks to sit down and eat himself, so having someone to take his place would help. Lastly, I feel like I would feel more sure of choices we may need to make if we had a third and possibly more impartial person there to help us decide what to do. I worry about the two of us being tired and overwhelmed and someone else could help us through it, possibly

honkytonk_kid · November 2011

My answer would depend on two things- 1. is your friend trained as a doula? and 2. do you think your husband will really be all the support you need?

A good, trained doula will never make dad feel like a third wheel- they will support dad supporting mom, so that he doesn't get too tired, forget to eat, forget to pee, run out of ideas, etc. A friend who happens to like you and like babies, on the other hand, might. Not that your friend has anything but the best of intentions, but I can see his concern.

If your friend didn't offer, would you want a doula anyway? If not, if your friend is not a trained doula and your husband is taking his role seriously, I would probably decline. But if your friend is a doula, or you're worried about your husband's support, you might consider it.

julesjarvais65 · November 2011

My friend is trying to get certified as a doula. And I mentioned wanting one before she offered. Also, she mentioned us meeting with her and her explaining to my husband exactly what a doula does. She is also a registered massage therapist, which I think would help a lot during labor.

chicsub · November 2011

I agree with LadyTyler. It also doesn't hurt to have a meeting with your friend and DH. We didn't have a doula the first time, but did the second time and my husband loved it b/c he felt like he was able to support me MORE with the doula there to take care of other stuff or even suggest different ways for him to help me. Of course people do it all the time without a doula, but after a super long week of labor the first time I really think we could have possibly avoided a c/s as well if we had a doula. DH is awesome and was massaging me and everything the first time, but it was his first birth and his wife and baby, so while we read up on things and took classes it was hard to know what was "normal" in the heat of the moment. That being said, our doula had a lot of experience, over 200 births attended, so that put my mind at ease.

honkytonk_kid · November 2011

julesdac65:
My friend is trying to get certified as a doula. And I mentioned wanting one before she offered. Also, she mentioned us meeting with her and her explaining to my husband exactly what a doula does. She is also a registered massage therapist, which I think would help a lot during labor.

That's awesome! In that case I would definitely at least meet with her to address your husband's concerns. Maybe once he gets more info he will change his mind, and everyone will be happy.

tokenhoser · November 2011

I'd be all over that. Meet with her and have her explain what she will do, and how it's not about replacing him. If he's still not into it, start asking a lot of "what will you do if..." questions. If he realizes there is a lot he doesn't know (I mean, unless he's taking this support thing really seriously and preparing which my hubby did not) he might be more into having someone around to tell him how to be useful.

My doula made my husband a fantastic support, but he wouldn't have been that great left to his own devices.

iris427 · November 2011

A good doula will never replace your husband. She will help him to be a better support person to you. There is more than enough for two people to do to support a laboring mom. Also if he needs a rest or to grab a bite to eat, you won't be left alone.

My husband was really happy we had a doula at both of our births, and it made it easier for him to focus on supporting me.

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