What is the point of my life?

MrDobalina · November 2011

All I wanted was a baby. And then I got ok without one. And then for a second I had one and there was so much light and sunshine and happiness. The people around me glowed and I was in a circle of awesomeness and joy and no one could touch me.

And then I started to bleed and I was sucked back down into the darkness. And I don't think I can climb out again. Do I even bother? I'm never going to have a baby..even on the miscarriage board they all tell you "oh you'll have your baby" and really, come on, no i won't. They are so young.

My 40 year old self is not going to have a baby, so why should I bother with that? I feel like I should take care of my mother who is still alive and after that what? What point is there? My husband? He's just as down as me. He has time. He could fine someone to give him a child.

hollymichael · November 2011

I am very sorry. ((Hugs)) I am also 40 and felt the same way about the other posters on the m/c board. I just couldn't relate. Most of them were young and fertile and would easily get pregnant again. Me, not so much.

Is your m/c recent? Your sadness, lack of hope, and feelings of your life not having much meaning are pretty classic signs of depression. I think these feelings are very normal after a m/c, especially in your situation. Allow yourself to cry, mourn, and feel sad. I think that is necessary in order to start to heal.

I don't know if it helps, but I felt the same after my m/c (using DE and after over two years of IF treatments) in early July. Now, several months later, I feel much better and can honestly say I am happy again. I am hesitant to say this as I don't want to make light of how you are feeling, but sometimes I think it helps to hear that someone in a similar situation eventually felt better.

We are all here if you need us.

Mitzi Bishi · November 2011

MrDobalina:
All I wanted was a baby. And then I got ok without one. And then for a second I had one and there was so much light and sunshine and happiness. The people around me glowed and I was in a circle of awesomeness and joy and no one could touch me.
And then I started to bleed and I was sucked back down into the darkness. And I don't think I can climb out again. Do I even bother? I'm never going to have a baby..even on the miscarriage board they all tell you "oh you'll have your baby" and really, come on, no i won't. They are so young.
My 40 year old self is not going to have a baby, so why should I bother with that? I feel like I should take care of my mother who is still alive and after that what? What point is there? My husband? He's just as down as me. He has time. He could fine someone to give him a child.

I'm truly sorry that you feel so isolated and I don't entirely know what you are going through as I've never been pregnant and our situations are different, but I'd be willing to bet your husband loves you very much and he appreciates that you can both share how it feels to go through all of this despite how difficult it is.

The one thing I did want to comment on was I am in the opposite situation since we are dealing with severe MFI. It truly doesn't cross my mind that I'd rather be with someone that I could have a baby with. What my husband and I have is special, rare, and wonderful, with or without a baby. So many days pass where I think people search for their entire lives for that kind of love, which can survive insurmountable struggles like IF. You have that!

I hope you both can focus on how fortunate you are to have one another and there are plenty of incredible things you can do even if parenting isn't in your future.

I don't even know you and I'm certain there are many people who appreciate having you in their lives and the contributions you make to the world.

DKC1308 · November 2011

I am so sorry for your loss.

I feel so much of what you said. I often think my DH could go and have beautiful babies with someone else. But he married me just as yours married you. He fell in love with you for who you are not because he just needed someone pretty to make babies with.

I know it is hard. It is the worst pain but please try and see this as the chance to live a true full life with your DH. Make plans to travel, try new things, start new traditions, and love each other everyday.

I am a cancer survivor and was lead to believe that children would just not be apart of my future without difficulty. I accepted that and was okay with it. Then DH and I were thrown a curve ball when, while getting a u/s done to check on cyst growth, we found out we were expecting. It was a shock and we were thrilled! Everything was going great with my pregnancy and we were moving forward with making plans for baby. We went in for my check up to learn we had lost our LO weeks before. I had a missed m/c. I was heartbroken. We then had genetic testing done that did not return positive news. My eggs are crap. We basically have 0 chance of a successful pregnancy. With my medical bills and student loans (I am a first yr med student adding about 20k a year onto my already 40k) adoption is out. And there are no medical treatments that can be done.

Sorry this is so long. I just relate so much to your feelings in this post.

sillygirlio · November 2011

Hi. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It really, really sucks. If I read your siggy correctly, it seems like your loss was really recent and I'm sure that is making it even harder. I've never achieved pregnancy, so I've never had a loss, but I've been told it gets easier with time (however, all those women all went on to have kids so that probably doens't help.) I just wanted to tell you that In my experience, being CFNBC gets easier with time too, but to be honest, I still sometimes wonder what the "point" of my being here is. There are a lot of questions about the future but looking at your life and trying to create new goals can really help.

Honestly, I think that is why this board has so few posts. Women need this board most for the transition, to know their thoughts are "normal" and their feelings are "ok" and what to expect next. After they make it through the transition it's easier to focus on the good things that come to them and they don't post anymore.

What really helped me in the beginning was reading. I know that somewhere on this board there is a post with a list of books that people read and enjoyed... I hope it's still there! Otherwise, do a search on amazon... that's how I find most of my IF related reading.

brookelynpaisley · November 2011

Mitzi Bishi:
MrDobalina:

All I wanted was a baby. And then I got ok without one. And then for a second I had one and there was so much light and sunshine and happiness. The people around me glowed and I was in a circle of awesomeness and joy and no one could touch me.

And then I started to bleed and I was sucked back down into the darkness. And I don't think I can climb out again. Do I even bother? I'm never going to have a baby..even on the miscarriage board they all tell you "oh you'll have your baby" and really, come on, no i won't. They are so young.

My 40 year old self is not going to have a baby, so why should I bother with that? I feel like I should take care of my mother who is still alive and after that what? What point is there? My husband? He's just as down as me. He has time. He could fine someone to give him a child.

I'm truly sorry that you feel so isolated and I don't entirely know what you are going through as I've never been pregnant and our situations are different, but I'd be willing to bet your husband loves you very much and he appreciates that you can both share how it feels to go through all of this despite how difficult it is.
The one thing I did want to comment on was I am in the opposite situation since we are dealing with severe MFI. It truly doesn't cross my mind that I'd rather be with someone that I could have a baby with. What my husband and I have is special, rare, and wonderful, with or without a baby. So many days pass where I think people search for their entire lives for that kind of love, which can survive insurmountable struggles like IF. You have that!

I hope you both can focus on how fortunate you are to have one another and there are plenty of incredible things you can do even if parenting isn't in your future.

I don't even know you and I'm certain there are many people who appreciate having you in their lives and the contributions you make to the world.

Agreed. Not once has it ever crossed my mind that I woud leave my husband to find someone to have a baby with. I would rather be childless with him - the love of my life - than be without him. I agree as well that it sounds like you are experiencing some signs of depression. I think it's very normal to be sad, but if you ever feel like you want to talk to someone, I've really enjoyed my short experience with my counselor. Hugs to you.

rollergirl29 · November 2011

I know how you feel...i TTC for 10 years. i thought if i dont have kids and cant raise a family, what is the point of life. then we thought, well...we will fill our lives with things we love. get more dogs and spoil them as we do the 2 we have now. we thought we'd also fill our lives with travel and seeing the world together. once we realized things we love and could fill our lives with those, it wasnt so bad. it wasnt our first choice, but we had each other and were discovering that there is purpose tto life without kids. fortunately we are now pregnant with twins and i cant tell you what a blessing we have. but now sometimes i think how we are going to miss out on all that traveling. i think regardless of what side you are on, we all feel something is missing or regret not doing something. enjoy what you have in life and find purpose in that. fill your life with people and things you love.

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