Hitting - what do you do?

SigmundsGirl · November 2011

The past few days when we tell Evan something he doesn't like, he tells us "NO!" and when we tell him again or pick him up to make him do something (like pick him up to go change his dirty diaper) he will hit us. Yesterday he hit me in the face 3 different times and he did it once again this morning.

Each time he did it I told him, "No! Hitting isn't nice. You need to be sweet and gentel." He would repeat "no hitting," then I would tell him to say he is sorry and he would. Then we would rinse and repeat about 5 minutes later. It happend 3 times in about 20 minutes.

When he did it this morning when I was getting him up for the day I immediately put him down and told him the same thing while lightly spanking his butt. He really hit me good - an open hand slap that DH could hear through the monitor. He huged me and told me he was sorry and then said "I wuv woo." The spanking (which I reserve for major discipline issues or safety issues like trying to pull something off the cooktop) doesn't really seem to phase him. And I feel weird telling him to not hit and then spanking him. I'm not against spanking, but I'm not sure how to handle this hitting issue and we want to ensure it is short lived. So far he has only hit me and DH (once).

What do you do with a toddler that hits you when they don't get their way?

Suzi-G- · November 2011

SigmundsGirl:
The past few days when we tell Evan something he doesn't like, he tells us "NO!" and when we tell him again or pick him up to make him do something (like pick him up to go change his dirty diaper) he will hit us. Yesterday he hit me in the face 3 different times and he did it once again this morning.

Each time he did it I told him, "No! Hitting isn't nice. You need to be sweet and gentel." He would repeat "no hitting," then I would tell him to say he is sorry and he would. Then we would rinse and repeat about 5 minutes later. It happend 3 times in about 20 minutes.

When he did it this morning when I was getting him up for the day I immediately put him down and told him the same thing while lightly spanking his butt. He really hit me good - an open hand slap that DH could hear through the monitor. He huged me and told me he was sorry and then said "I wuv woo." The spanking (which I reserve for major discipline issues or safety issues like trying to pull something off the cooktop) doesn't really seem to phase him. And I feel weird telling him to not hit and then spanking him. I'm not against spanking, but I'm not sure how to handle this hitting issue and we want to ensure it is short lived. So far he has only hit me and DH (once).

What do you do with a toddler that hits you when they don't get their way?

To the bolded part, this is what I do. Over and over and over. Except usually with less explaining. I just hold his hand still and say "Don't hit. Gentle touch" or just "No." He understands but that doesn't mean he isn't going to do it again next time he's frustrated or angry.

To the italic part, "Do as I say not as I do" seldom works on small children, or really on people in general. I don't believe in spanking, but I won't say I'll never do it for any offense. I won't ever do it though when I'm trying to teach non-violence. That's inflicting a double standard that negates your message: "You can't hit me when you're frustrated, but I get to hit you when I'm frustrated" --- that doesn't teach non-violence, that teaches "I outrank you."

melrrr · November 2011

My friend just loaned me her copy of "Hands are not for Hitting." What I really needed today, though, was "Teeth are not for Biting"

I just put her down and continue to tell her no. When she bites, I cry, so maybe you could do that when he hits and see his reaction.

TexasPaige · November 2011

The psychologist who works at our MDO has come up with a system to use with all the kids there. Basically, it involves separation from you (which is uncomfortable and disconcerting for them, plus they don't get attention). So when he does something he is not supposed to do, we tell him calmly that if he chooses to do that again, he will be punished. However, if it's hitting or something else violent, there is no warning. He knows better. If he does that thing, we put him in a child-proofed room with a door and walk away. You can also use a spot like a stair or a chair, but I don't think he would sit still for that at all. There is no timer because you want it to be a little unpredictable. We go back in to get him after a couple of minutes and tell him to come out whenever he's ready. If he needs more time on his own, he won't come out. But he usually rushes out to ease the discomfort of being separated from us. Then we give him an easy task - whether it's pick up that sock, throw away that paper towel, etc. This is intended for him to remember that we are in charge. If he doesn't do that (which is rare), he goes back in the room. If he does, we tell him he was punished because he chose to hit, kick, etc. No major explanation. We don't hug afterward or anything. We just go back to our regularly scheduled programming.

With a younger toddler, you can only really do what they can comprehend. I'm sure it works a little better on older toddlers, but I do think the separation idea is a powerful one.

I definitely would not spank for hitting. That seems really confusing.

SigmundsGirl · November 2011

Thanks for the good suggestions! And yeah, spanking for hitting was not the best idea I ever had. :-) It was done more out of my shock than anything else and I didn't want to put him back in his crib because that is what he wanted. I should have put him down and let it end there. Hind site is always 20/20, but hopefully I'll remember when this happens again.

Thanks for the advice and suggestions!

CareBear01 · November 2011

I have done a swat before, and that just made DS madder and he swung back and hit me again! (I guess i should have seen that one coming!) After that, I saw that the punishment didn't make sense. I now threaten time out (which I follow through with if he does it again), or say "no hit" or "hitting is against the rules" and immediately put him down and walk away. When he no longer has your attention, he realizes that those are the consequences of not acting right. DS was a hitter around your DS's age - especially the face. It's hard if you are carrying them and they hit you in the face, then you only have one other arm to try to deflect or grab his 2 arms with. He has gotten a lot better about hitting - and also knows he does not like time out, and knows I will put him there if it continues (follow through is key).

TexasPaige · November 2011

SigmundsGirl:
And yeah, spanking for hitting was not the best idea I ever had. :-)

We all have those moments! As small as they are, these kids sure can get under our skin.

SigmundsGirl · November 2011

TexasPaige:
SigmundsGirl:

And yeah, spanking for hitting was not the best idea I ever had. :-)

We all have those moments! As small as they are, these kids sure can get under our skin.

Right? Good thing they are cute. And it is amazing how the smallest sweet thing can seem to erase all of the irritating things so easily.

I just need to work on my temper. And Lord knows I don't want him thinking it is okay to loose his temper.

LisaK2b · November 2011

Hitting or any physical harm to her big sister = time out for us. There's no verbal warning. It's straight to time out. I put to the corner and say "time out! no hitting!" She goes over and I leave her there for about 2 mins. After that, I tell her that hitting is not nice. She nods (but I have no idea if she understands me or not), then she goes over to big sis for a sorry and hug.

We sometimes only deal with this once a week, but sometimes it can be 5 times in an hour. But you just repeat the process. Make it black and white with the punishment.

opallover · November 2011

We had a real problem wtih hair pulling. First it was a translation issue - he was trying to tell the other kid that he wanted that toy but apparently that kid didn't get the memo [lol] so he would pull their hair.

I put Noah in timeout for each time he hurts anyone or anything. Period. Now that he's older he can understand that people don't want to play with us when we hit them or push them out of the way to get first to the slide [etc].

I also started timeout before he could get this down but I would tell him why he was in time-out - then after the allotted time I would come and ask him why I put him in the chair - then we would do the hug thing and go appologize to the offended person/biscuit.

Good Luck - it does go away though but it's frustrating being there in the moment.

ETA - he also HATEs time-out since it's time away from me or mabye it's that he knows I'm not happy with him. so it really works for him - spankings never have worked...

for what it's worth - I tried all kinds of things and a few times resprted to spanking when I was past my limit of being patient. Not my most favorite parenting style.

SigmundsGirl · November 2011

I picked up the little man from daycare to find that he hit several of the kids in his class and the teacher. Not good. I'm going to talk to her tomorrow to make sure we deal with this consistently at home and at daycare. Fun.

kreeper611 · November 2011

Oh lord, this has been one heck of a week. Today officially pushed me to the edge and then some. We started moving up to the 2's this week and he's been hell on wheels.

Loudly talking back with a NO! - we've told him that he needs to use a quiet voice and say no sir/no ma'am. Over and over and over again. If he does it a few times I a row, I just ask "No what?" and he'll say it correctly. He knows, he's just being a pill.

The hitting/kicking made me snap today and I did pop his butt after the 15th time and the awesome kick in the gut as I was trying to get his shoes on. A better choice is time-out, I know, but I also have to be at work on time and some days TO just isn't an option. My clients don't give a crap. He knows his TO spot and if he tries to get up and continues crying/being mean I send him to his room and explain that when he calms down he can come back. I usually have to put him back in his room 3-4 times, but he will settle down and then apologize.

The worst for us right now is that he knows he's not supposed to - he'll hit us, then quickly grab for a hug and say "I'm sorry momma." I usually thank him for saying sorry, but remind him that we don't hit people. I also have the Hands are not for Hitting/Teeth are not for Biting books that we'll read every once in a while. The Hands book is coming out tonight.

SigmundsGirl · November 2011

kreeper611:

Oh lord, this has been one heck of a week. Today officially pushed me to the edge and then some. We started moving up to the 2's this week and he's been hell on wheels.

Loudly talking back with a NO! - we've told him that he needs to use a quiet voice and say no sir/no ma'am. Over and over and over again. If he does it a few times I a row, I just ask "No what?" and he'll say it correctly. He knows, he's just being a pill.

The hitting/kicking made me snap today and I did pop his butt after the 15th time and the awesome kick in the gut as I was trying to get his shoes on. A better choice is time-out, I know, but I also have to be at work on time and some days TO just isn't an option. My clients don't give a crap. He knows his TO spot and if he tries to get up and continues crying/being mean I send him to his room and explain that when he calms down he can come back. I usually have to put him back in his room 3-4 times, but he will settle down and then apologize.

The worst for us right now is that he knows he's not supposed to - he'll hit us, then quickly grab for a hug and say "I'm sorry momma." I usually thank him for saying sorry, but remind him that we don't hit people. I also have the Hands are not for Hitting/Teeth are not for Biting books that we'll read every once in a while. The Hands book is coming out tonight.

I think Evan knows when we are in a hurry and sometimes selects that time to act up. There is no time for timeout. And DH talked to the teachers when he dropped him off this morning. He let them know that saying "No thank you" in a sweet voice isn't going to cut it. We don't want them to yell at him, but they need to use a low, serious voice. I think he is starting to think it is a game.

It really is amazing how much of this is instinct. When my brother was little my mom took him to a specialist and he was in the first generation of kids where they were starting to learn about ADD. She was helping my mom deal with his behaviour and she said that if a child was flet alone and never saw anyone hit, they they would still do it. It is how we deal with it and try to modify this behavior that is so difficult.

opallover · November 2011

SigmundsGirl:
kreeper611:

Oh lord, this has been one heck of a week. Today officially pushed me to the edge and then some. We started moving up to the 2's this week and he's been hell on wheels.

Loudly talking back with a NO! - we've told him that he needs to use a quiet voice and say no sir/no ma'am. Over and over and over again. If he does it a few times I a row, I just ask "No what?" and he'll say it correctly. He knows, he's just being a pill.

The hitting/kicking made me snap today and I did pop his butt after the 15th time and the awesome kick in the gut as I was trying to get his shoes on. A better choice is time-out, I know, but I also have to be at work on time and some days TO just isn't an option. My clients don't give a crap. He knows his TO spot and if he tries to get up and continues crying/being mean I send him to his room and explain that when he calms down he can come back. I usually have to put him back in his room 3-4 times, but he will settle down and then apologize.

The worst for us right now is that he knows he's not supposed to - he'll hit us, then quickly grab for a hug and say "I'm sorry momma." I usually thank him for saying sorry, but remind him that we don't hit people. I also have the Hands are not for Hitting/Teeth are not for Biting books that we'll read every once in a while. The Hands book is coming out tonight.

I think Evan knows when we are in a hurry and sometimes selects that time to act up. There is no time for timeout. And DH talked to the teachers when he dropped him off this morning. He let them know that saying "No thank you" in a sweet voice isn't going to cut it. We don't want them to yell at him, but they need to use a low, serious voice. I think he is starting to think it is a game.

It really is amazing how much of this is instinct. When my brother was little my mom took him to a specialist and he was in the first generation of kids where they were starting to learn about ADD. She was helping my mom deal with his behaviour and she said that if a child was flet alone and never saw anyone hit, they they would still do it. It is how we deal with it and try to modify this behavior that is so difficult.

This is 100% what I learned in school - hitting/bitting/acting out is a way for babies to choose what to do wtih their own bodies - it's a form of asserting his independence. But they do need to learn that there are rules and regulations bout how to act towards other people.

I've had a hard few days. Noah has been sick and being sassy more than usual since - of course - he doesn't feel good. I'm so torn between knowing it's because he's not feeling good and still being diligent abot TO and discipline. On Thursday before I knew he was "really" sick he was in TO twice and had two spankings [swat on the hiney] BEFORE mdo. Lord. I feel like an awful mom. It doesn't help that Im 8 months pregnant and my fuse is super short and Matthew was gone - but I should be better than that. Ugh.

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