I was asked to buy a cake for my SIL's shower

annabanana2280 · October 2011

Tell me if I'm being an a.hole.

My SIL and I aren't friends. I'm polite and civil to her, so she probably doesn't know how much I dislike her. She's just a bad person. Extremely arrogant, self-centered and just a ***. She prides herself on her "strong personality".

I was married a few years ago, and long story short she was just mean. She dropped out of the wedding because she didn't want to buy the $120 dress.

Anyway, I disgress...

Her baby shower is in a few weeks. Today I got this e-mail:

"Hi Anna,

Hope you're doing well! Jane's shower is coming up quickly, and I wanted to see if you would be ok to pick up the cake. There will only be about 20 people there.

I hope this is ok. Thanks!

Shower Hostess"

....

For anyone else, I'd buy a $40 cake and shut up about it. But it's just the principle. I can't stand this person - why should I buy her a cake for her shower???

WDYT?

girley75 · October 2011

Be the bigger person and buy the cake... Her child will be your niece, no?

annabanana2280 · October 2011

girley75:
Be the bigger person and buy the cake... Her child will be your niece, no?

Yes you are right. I'm just tired of always doing that one nice thing hoping she will come around. She never does.

She won't say thank you for the cake. She won't acknowledge my kind (albeit small act). She'll act like she deserves it and she's better than me.

I just feel like I'm the kid that tries too hard. The kid that tries too hard to be noticed - it's pathetic. I do something kind, she's a jerk, and then I do something kind again hoping she'll come around.

Genevieve14 · October 2011

I'd pick up the cake, but I wouldn't go out of my way to find something spectacular (the way I would for someone I really love).

theladyjess · October 2011

annabanana2280:

girley75:
Be the bigger person and buy the cake... Her child will be your niece, no?

Yes you are right. I'm just tired of always doing that one nice thing hoping she will come around. She never does.

She won't say thank you for the cake. She won't acknowledge my kind (albeit small act). She'll act like she deserves it and she's better than me.

I just feel like I'm the kid that tries too hard. The kid that tries too hard to be noticed - it's pathetic. I do something kind, she's a jerk, and then I do something kind again hoping she'll come around.

For years my FIL was an ass to me. Rude, condesending, never approving. A few years ago I accepted that he would never change and just accepted him for who he is. Lo and behold, after years of him treating me poorly this past summer he apologized to me and asked if he could make amends. I forgave him and told him that we could move forward. Things have been much better and he's been very kind and accepting of me. I never thought it would happen but it did. You never know, maybe she'll soften with motherhood.

This is the best advice I can give you about dealing w/ difficult people:

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway. ~ Mother Teresa

EastCoastBride · November 2011

O.k. - here's the thing. The shower hostess is the one asking you to do this. not your SIL. If you say no, you'll look like a jerk to the hostess, not your SIL. (Even though I do think your hostess is WAY out of line to come to you like this and just assume you'll do it.)

And who knows if your SIL will even know that you got the cake.

On the CAKE issue, dont' make it about your SIL because it's actually not about her at all (yes, I realize it's FOR her, but she isn't the one asking you).

Now, past that, when it comes to her directly, start framing your behavior around what won't make you upset. Don't go out of your way for her. Dont' be nice to her out of an expectation that she's going to magically change. Be nice only if it makes YOU feel better about yourself as a person.

But if you want to start saying "no", if you want to stop bending over backwards for her, then do it. You don't have to be an a$$ about it. You can just politely say "no" to her.

There is a point where "being the bigger person" does turn into "being walked all over". FIgure out where that line is for yourself and dont' cross it.

missyscadoo · November 2011

EastCoastBride:
O.k. - here's the thing. The shower hostess is the one asking you to do this. not your SIL. If you say no, you'll look like a jerk to the hostess, not your SIL. (Even though I do think your hostess is WAY out of line to come to you like this and just assume you'll do it.)

And who knows if your SIL will even know that you got the cake.

On the CAKE issue, dont' make it about your SIL because it's actually not about her at all (yes, I realize it's FOR her, but she isn't the one asking you).

Now, past that, when it comes to her directly, start framing your behavior around what won't make you upset. Don't go out of your way for her. Dont' be nice to her out of an expectation that she's going to magically change. Be nice only if it makes YOU feel better about yourself as a person.

But if you want to start saying "no", if you want to stop bending over backwards for her, then do it. You don't have to be an a$$ about it. You can just politely say "no" to her.

There is a point where "being the bigger person" does turn into "being walked all over". FIgure out where that line is for yourself and dont' cross it.

This! And I love the Mother Teresa quote by a PP.

MySallyGirl · November 2011

I would agree with the others - suck it up and get her the cake and be the better person. Subtract from what you buy her for a shower gift if the expense is a factor for you. Do it for your niece and to celebrate her instead of for your SIL.

MarSamWhitney · November 2011

baconface:

Hmmm. I don't think you're an a**hole cause I would probably feel the same way - I think it's natural. However, I would probably just suck it up and buy the cake. Self-centered people such as your SIL usually don't see it this way, but you're the bigger person and if you don't buy the cake, you're doing to her what she did to you at your wedding. I know she won't get that, but other people will see it.

You are (presumably) going to be related to this person forever. Pick your battles.

Ditto, fab advice.

Disneygeek77 · November 2011

Do you have a Costco by you ? You can get a nice tasty cake there for less than $20. I know that doesn't help with your overall questions but it might save your some money.

LaurenSweat · November 2011

Does anyone else find it weird that the host asked her? I think that that is the strangest part of this whole situation. The host should be providing all of the food and beverage and not emailing family members of the mom-to-be asking if it is allright for them to pick up part of the expenses.

Also, I feel like the way she asked you was quite rude.

Honestly, I would email back (since that is how you got the request) and tell her that unfortunately you won't be able to help her on the cake.

sfinchWed68665 · November 2011

LaurenSweat:

Does anyone else find it weird that the host asked her? I think that that is the strangest part of this whole situation. The host should be providing all of the food and beverage and not emailing family members of the mom-to-be asking if it is allright for them to pick up part of the expenses.

Also, I feel like the way she asked you was quite rude.

Honestly, I would email back (since that is how you got the request) and tell her that unfortunately you won't be able to help her on the cake.

Im happy i read your post because this is exactly what I was going to say. WHy is the host asking you in the first place? Yeah you can suck it up and jsut get the cake but in my opinion I would say no. Not to be mean to her or anything of that sort, but you are not throwing the shower so why would you have to contribute.

ChristyML · November 2011

I was so glad to see that I am not the only one who doesn't get along with her SIL.

While I agree with PP and say you should be the bigger person, I also agree that the hostess is supposed to get the food and beverages and such. And the way she asked was rude....She should have actually ASKED instead of basically saying you have to do it..... And you are NOT being a *** at all.

I personally would probably get the cake but I wouldn't go all out for it.

annabanana2280 · November 2011

discobelle:
LaurenSweat:
Does anyone else find it weird that the host asked her? I think that that is the strangest part of this whole situation. The host should be providing all of the food and beverage and not emailing family members of the mom-to-be asking if it is allright for them to pick up part of the expenses.
Also, I feel like the way she asked you was quite rude.
Honestly, I would email back (since that is how you got the request) and tell her that unfortunately you won't be able to help her on the cake.
Yes, I think it's weird!
A cake is a pretty major part of the shower. Why is the hostess trying to give that responsibility to someone who isn't co-hosting? If you had offered to help, that would be one thing, but to get a request like this out of the blue is weird.

I know. It's weird. I think the hostess thinks that because I'm the Aunt, I "should" help. Sort of like a bridesmaid "should" help a MOH.

I'm getting a cheap $17 cake from Wal-Mart. And if SIL says one nasty or mean thing to me before then, it will be blue.

greengirl0909 · November 2011

Had you agreed/volunteered to help with the shower? If I just got this email out of the blue that would be a big shock to me. I'd email back ask how my name came up.

Sean+Lyss · November 2011

annabanana2280:
girley75:
Be the bigger person and buy the cake... Her child will be your niece, no?
Yes you are right. I'm just tired of always doing that one nice thing hoping she will come around. She never does.
She won't say thank you for the cake. She won't acknowledge my kind (albeit small act). She'll act like she deserves it and she's better than me.
I just feel like I'm the kid that tries too hard. The kid that tries too hard to be noticed - it's pathetic. I do something kind, she's a jerk, and then I do something kind again hoping she'll come around.

She won't ever wake up and realize that she sucks. But I would bet money that everyone else in the family can see what is going on.

Get the cake and ignore what ever she has to say.

ETA: I agree that you getting asked to get the cake is rude and weird. But if you get one that costs less that $20 then I don't think that its that big a deal.

dojo1 · November 2011

Stay in keeping with your current regime of being polite and civil... which means buy the cake and keep your trap shut.

venussapphire · November 2011

Genevieve14:
I'd pick up the cake, but I wouldn't go out of my way to find something spectacular (the way I would for someone I really love).

This. get something basic.

honeybeez · November 2011

discobelle:
LaurenSweat:
Does anyone else find it weird that the host asked her? I think that that is the strangest part of this whole situation. The host should be providing all of the food and beverage and not emailing family members of the mom-to-be asking if it is allright for them to pick up part of the expenses.
Also, I feel like the way she asked you was quite rude.
Honestly, I would email back (since that is how you got the request) and tell her that unfortunately you won't be able to help her on the cake.

Yes, I think it's weird!
A cake is a pretty major part of the shower. Why is the hostess trying to give that responsibility to someone who isn't co-hosting? If you had offered to help, that would be one thing, but to get a request like this out of the blue is weird.

Maybe the hostess hates the momma-to-be, too! And, doesn't want to waste anymore of her money on the bitcch.

I was asked to buy a cake for my SIL's shower

Re: I was asked to buy a cake for my SIL's shower

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