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Babies on the Brain
Mrs_Liberto
member
Gender Disappointment related advice?
Mrs_Liberto
member
I know there were a few posts about GD last week or the week before and I've been mulling over them since. There seems to be a general consensus that it's fine to be disappointed if you don't get the sex you desired, but that at some point you need to GTF over it.
So at what point in time do you actually need to get over it? Or I guess, at what point in time can I tell BFF to either STFU or seek therapy for her attitude about having boy #3? I recognized that she was grieving/processing/adjusting to having a third boy when she really wanted a daughter (this will be their last child) so I've just been avoiding her as much as I can so *I* don't have to be on the receiving end of those comments. But it inevitably comes up in conversation and I'm really sick of either ignoring her calls, hiding her on FB, or pretending to be offline all the time. What say you, BOTB? How long is too long?
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Re: Gender Disappointment related advice?
Is the baby born? Cause that's too long.
It's my own opinion that basically, if you're leaving the hospital still upset to the point that you're venting over your child's gender - you need some help.
And that's if you're "Team Green"
If you become disappointed after an anatomy scan, I still say a day or two after the appointment.
I like the phrase "gently mention".
TTC#1 Chart
TTC#2 Chart
IUI #1 - #4 (repronex trigger) = BFN
IUI#5 on 10/28/2008 ** BFP 11/10/08 ** EDD 07/21/09 *** It's a GIRL (07/14/09)
med/treatment free BFP 06/28/10. EDD 03/05/11 *** GIRL #2 (02/23/11)
beta#1 @ 17dpo = 1296 .... beta#2 @ 19dpo = 3034
it's the Bug and Baby Belle!
Well, one of the things that was pointed out in the last discussion was that there are sort of separate things. Disappointment in the sex of the child you are carrying - that should be gotten over pretty quickish, imo. More than a week of moping outside your head is too long imo.
And then there is adjusting to and processing/grieving never having a child of the opposite sex. That can take longer. If it goes on for months, I think it's problematic, or if it interferes with being happy and enjoying the family you do have, that's an issue.
I have friends who were perfectly happy to have their second and last kids be boys and enjoy that their sons are close in age and so great with each other and never experienced more than a moment of disappointment. But they both still get a bit wistful over never having a daughter and missing out on mother/daughter things.
Gabriel Ross - August 24, 2009 * Vivienne Rose - May 1, 2012
My Blog
I think this is very very important for people to differentiate and I agree that this can take longer but that being upset at what you're having you've got to get over in a week max. And it also depends on how someone's dealing with it. If the person is bummed a little inside, fine. If it comes up in every conversation and she's clearly upset and bothered, she needs to talk to someone. OP, I'd have lost patience with her by now since it's been 5+ weeks.
I was a bit bummed when we found out #2 was a boy. I really don't know that we'll have another child and, as easjer said, I had to just let go of the fact that I won't get to do the daughter stuff. I felt really foolish and DH was so confused. I honestly didn't think I would be as emotionally effected by it as I was.
That being said- it lasted in full force all of a day or 2. I think I went out the next day and bought a baby boy outfit and started looking at shared bedroom themes. I moved on.
I still have occasional twinges of it when I'm at the store and want to buy the cute pink snowsuit. It's not a depression, but it is a sort of "letting go."
If she's not able to do that, and move past a disappointment, for this long she really may want to talk to someone. Maybe you could even just say, "Hey, I know you're pretty bummed, have you ever thought about talking to someone about it?" I don't know her so I don't know how that would go over.
Due 3.1.12
Levi 7.26.09
Wood you? Wood too!
Lurker here.
I don't understand 'Gender Dissappointment.' The sex of the baby, does not necessarily determine the gender that it will follow. What if your precious little princess is a total tomboy? What if your little boy is a little effeminate? Are you going to be equally dissapointed? If so, there are underlying issues, that should be dealt with ASAP.
***backs slowly back into lurkdom***
I sort of agree and sort of don't. I mean, that was and is by far the most important thing. I can honestly say that DH and I didn't care about the sex of this baby. We had no preference. But I do have a lot of feelings now that we are 90%+ sure of the sex (which I acknowledge I'd have had either way).
It's hard to think about a boy that is not Gabriel and how to maintain a mental separation (at least in advance of the unique person arriving and establishing his own personality). It's hard to think about never having a boy that we get to raise, that our chance at our son died two years ago; I think if I only have girls, I will have a lot of sadness, while rejoicing in the chance to raise healthy children.
But that's one of those all-mixed-up loss things, not directly related to gender disappointment.
Gabriel Ross - August 24, 2009 * Vivienne Rose - May 1, 2012
My Blog
That was the thing that helped me with my initial disappointment when we learned our son was probably a boy. It was a mix of fear of raising a boy (I can't throw or catch a ball to save my life and I hate soccer and baseball), and disappointment because we thought he was a girl.
When I remembered that there were tons of things related to children we would be doing and that there was no guarantee I'd have a son who was way into sports, it helped me adjust to the thought of my son as an individual human being and not just the picture I'd been carrying in my head of 'my baby.'
Gabriel Ross - August 24, 2009 * Vivienne Rose - May 1, 2012
My Blog
I don't think its quite that easy. Its hard for me to fully explain since I got what my heart really hoped for the first go around, I would have been fine with a girl too. But I had wanted a boy. More and more now though, I really find myself wanting a daughter. I LOVE my little boy, I just want to know what its like to have a daughter too. Like others said, I wouldn't be dissapointed if a next baby was a boy....cause I'll love that little boy like crazy too. But I would be dissapointed that I'd never have a girl, because our family would be done.
No, that's not the issue here (at least from my POV). I will never get to do prom dress shopping, mother of the bride activities, etc, and I will not get to experience a mother/daughter bond. I love the mother/son bond I have with DS#1, but I would imagine that there is a different relationship between a mother and daughter.
My dad and I never got along well but my mom was my rock and my inspiration. She passed away while I was in college and I missed her so badly through my wedding, house buying, pregnancy/parenting times. I would be lying if I said I didn't want to have those experiences with my own daughter, and I don't really know that it's an "issue."
And if my son is effeminate, then fantastic! The chances of me coaching him through a pregnancy or helping him pick out a wedding dress are probably slim, though.
Due 3.1.12
Levi 7.26.09
Wood you? Wood too!
I guess I just meant that putting any sort of expectations on what your relationship (including the life experiences you mentioned) with your child is going to be like is unfair to you and your child. What if your daughter doesn't go to the prom, get married and doesn't want children? I understand what you're saying, I just know the heartache that comes from life not going according to MY plans.
Right, so any child could be anything. I get that. Gender is socialized not engrained. I've got that. Despite a knowledge of gender and society, I think it's ridiculous to say that people shouldn't hold hopes or expectations of "what it would be like." My friend has a little girl with a serious genetic disorder, she will never walk or talk. She had to mourn the loss of the dreams she had for her child when that became a reality.
I don't think it makes having those desires or dreams wrong. No one is talking about forcing a child to go to prom because it was in MY plans, just that the thought of those things are sort of nice. Above and beyond any life events, a bond between two women (a mother and daughter) is something that I would imagine to be different than the bond with my son. It is okay that I desired that and it is okay that I won't have that.
Due 3.1.12
Levi 7.26.09
Wood you? Wood too!
Goodbye little angel(7/22/2011)....see you in heaven
Goodbye my second angel (9/18/2011)
This may be unpopular, but I think the point where someone is grieving over gender disappointment is the point where they need to talk to someone.
I get disappointment, but grieving is insulting to the sufferers of actual loss and if. I'd have a hard time not telling her to gtfo it
I am having a VERY hard time not telling her off about it, honestly. But I've been trying not to project my "bitter infertile STFU that you're pregnant for a third time and have healthy children" emotions onto what I acknowledge can be a very real sense of grief and loss for some people. I was thinking my patience was just gone, but from the sounds of things I've been more than accommodating to her and it's time for a chat.
I was slightly disappointed...more like in shock at first but I got over it by the time I got out of the u/s appointment. IMO if it lasts for more than a day then you've got issues and need to speak with a professional.
It's been over a month for her...she needs therapy. I think she should also look into possibly having depression.
She needs to stop thinking of the negative and be happy she has a healthy child growing inside her. There are so many women out there on strict bed rest that are going just day by day hoping their child survives to full term, some women can't even get through their 1st Tri. without multiple losses. Other families have a child with a serious health issue, congenital defects and diseases. She needs to take that into perspective.