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School-Aged Children
My controlling 1st Grader - Need Advise
I need help/advise: (sorry in advance for the length) My step-daughter is in 1st grade and lives with me and my husband most of the time, and she is with her mother every-other weekend. I am exhausted and starting to resent her... she is bullying kids at school and is rude to the parent-helpers in her class. She is very smart academically but rolls that over into thinking she is smarter than EVERYONE. This results in her sneaking and lying, trying to proove she is smarter than my husband, me, and every other adult. She has no regard for anyone else's feelings and does whatever she wants to whoever she wants. She has stolen a girls cookies at school simply because she wanted them, she has pushed boys because they were not where she thought they should be (standing near her, standing in the wrong line, etc...) She has major control issues and if she is not in complete control she is angry. This morning I told her to have a good day at school and she replied with "I wont" I now have a 6month old baby and I am starting to fear what she will do to her baby sister when I am not looking. I fear talking to my husband about this because I dont want him to feel like I am making him choose us or her. Plus he is the only one of us working and I know he feels overly stressed by being the only breadwinner. We have tried positive reinforecement and negative reinforcement. Which our negative reinforcement has escallated to her sitting on her bed with nothing (no toys, books, etc...) for any range of time from 30 mins to all day, depending on the offense. This seems to just be getting worse with time and I don't know what to do or how to stop it. I need help and advice, I am at my whitsend and I dont know what to do... Please help...
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Re: My controlling 1st Grader - Need Advise
You and your DH need to have a conversation about her behavior at school. And her attitude at home. Write down everything that is going on so you're not running purely on adrenalin and/or emotions. Come up with some solutions to the situation. Consistency is going to be key in enforcing whatever you both decide. And it's going to take time - change will NOT happen over night.
Once you and your DH have had this conversation; you will want to have a conversation with her mom as well. I don't know if you 3 have a good relationship communication wise; but it is something she needs to be aware of.
Once all 3 of you adults are on the same page, it will be time to have a conversation with your DSD. Lay out the rules and expectations. What the consequences will be for each event. And follow through is absolutely key.
You may also want to have a conversation with DSD pediatrician; if this behavior has been on-going you may want to have DSD meet with a child psychologist/behaviorlist.
Do NOT try to handle this by yourself. You may be a SAHM but that does not excuse your DH from being a parent as well.
It sounds like your SD may be acting this way because she's searching for consistency and limits. Everything around her seems to be out of her control, so she's going to make up for it by trying to control absolutely everything! Honestly, she sounds like a very unhappy little kid who is crying out for help with her behavior. She's dealing with a lot of heavy stuff in her life, and you're seeing the results in her controlling, angry behavior.
Here are some of the things that might be causing her to act this way:
--her feelings about her parents not being married and her dad being remarried to someone else.
--feelings of jealousy and uncertainty because of the new baby.
--frustration about differences in rules between mom's house and dad's house.
--frustration and fear about dad being overworked and you being the main parent in her life most of the time. (Don't take this personally, I'm sure you're not a bad step-mom, but she may feel abandoned by both mom, dad, AND you now that the new baby has come along.)
--anxiety if the rules aren't consistently enforced in your home. (Are you the main disciplinarian? Does dad let her off the hook when you try to establish order? Do you get so frustrated with the situation that you just say "fine" and let her do what she wants at times? Do you react angrily to her and take her behavior personally? Do you and your H argue about this in front of her? If any of these things are true, it could cause her to react by ramping up her controlling behavior.)
There's a lot going on in her life. She's anxious and angry, and I think she would probably benefit from counseling. In fact you all might benefit from some family counseling and help with parenting a child who is struggling in this way.
You could start with her school guidance counselor, or you could see if your husband's company has an employee assistance program (EAP) as one of its benefits.
You need to find a way to get her into counseling. Talk to her pediatrician and school counselors.
Wow! So much going on here! I have a long anwser here, but have you thought about posting on blended families? They might have some insight from the shared custody / divorced parents perspective.
First of all, I think you should let the school handle the problems at school. You definately need to PARTNER with the school, and enforce anything that they come up with (for example, if they punish her by making her sit out recess, don't take her to the park "so that she can have some fun outside,"), but the school has their own mechanisms in place for her behavior, so start focusing on your home and outside school. I would definately request a meeting with the teacher and see if you can start some kind of early-intervention process, including meeting with a psychologist in the school system if that is available.
I have been in a car pool, and get a lot of kids who think they are smarter than adults. I tell them to their face "I'm not really worried about a 7 year old." I'm wondering what your source of insecurity is? When a child acts like they are smarter than me, it's all I can do from laughing in their face! If your dsd says "I won't have a good day," you can answer "well, that is your choice, either way!"
I also would advise against all-day time outs. What are you trying to achieve by that? My kids would have to push their siblings down a flight of stairs before they got a time out like that. Also, you and your dh have been very inconsistant. Rewards...then punishments....time outs for varying times. Her life is inconsistant enough with the different rules in your home and her mom's home, you (and H) need to be consistant in the home. That means not letting her get away with things "because I'm too tired to fight, and I need to take care of the baby now." Your house is (naturally, b/c of all of the changes) very chaotic, her life is chaotic....she needs calm and consistancy.
There is a "system" called the "S.T.E.P." system (nothing to do with step-children, it's just the acronym for the program). It is very CHOICE-based when dealing with kids - - a lot of letting them make a choice, and live with the consequences of that choice. For example, if your child is screaming and running in the house, you tell them "if you want to play in the house, you must do it quietly. If you want to scream and run, you must do it outside." Or, if your dsd refuses to wear a jacket to school - let her go without her jacket and don't bring one along. If she freezes her tail off, then she'll learn to wear a jacket in the cold. (etc.).
You can buy those books on the internet. Even if it is a past edition, it is worth a read. I agree with all of the other posters that
In the meantime, try giving her choices (that you can work with), and let her choose. "Should we have fish sticks for dinner, or tacos?" "Should we go to the park today, or just play in the backyard?"
I am also wondering if you have any kind of PPD or you are just an anxious person? You are upset if your dsd thinks she is smarter than you, you don't want to tell your H about how bad things are, you're afraid for the baby.....I'm wondering if you could benefit from seeing a medical professional or therapist yourself.
And really - - in the end you can't make your husband choose between you and either of his children, but you can do what is best for your baby and take the steps you need to protect her.