WWYD in this situation?

Slobina · November 2011

I know, I'm constantly asking you ladies questions about gifts that might offend people. So here's another one.

I made a couple of friends through our childbirth class, one of them much closer than the others. I'm not going to give too much info about her, in case anyone knows her. The main point is that she's a SAHM, her husband works, and things are tight for them right now.

I really enjoy spending time with her, and I have been telling DH that I would really like to go out to Lake Austin Spa with her and just have a girls' day and relax together. We have the disposable income to do this type of thing - I'm not going to do it regularly, but occasionally. Anyway, I would like to go and go with her, and treat her, but I don't want to seem like an a*hole who is rubbing in the fact that we have disposable income and her family probably doesn't.

So, I thought it might make her feel bad if I called her up and said, would you like to go to Lake Austin Spa with me for a day, my treat. DH suggested that I make up some story that my work gave me a bonus in the form of a gift card there, and I want to share it with her, but I'm really not into lying.

What do you think? How would you feel if you were her? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

Thanks again.

Amy

ali-1411 · November 2011

I would do like you said. Call her and say that you'd love to invite her as your guest to the spa. Say that you want to go but don't want to go alone, you'd rather go with a friend. If she protests, say that she's been a great friend and you want to do this as a Thank You.

Nessia · November 2011

ali-1411:
I would do like you said. Call her and say that you'd love to invite her as your guest to the spa. Say that you want to go but don't want to go alone, you'd rather go with a friend. If she protests, say that she's been a great friend and you want to do this as a Thank You.

I agree, be honest you want to go but not alone and would love for her to join you.

michelleaxo · November 2011

Nessia:
ali-1411:
I would do like you said. Call her and say that you'd love to invite her as your guest to the spa. Say that you want to go but don't want to go alone, you'd rather go with a friend. If she protests, say that she's been a great friend and you want to do this as a Thank You.
I agree, be honest you want to go but not alone and would love for her to join you.

I agree. Don't lie to her, if she ever found out it would be a blow to the friendship.

L L CG · November 2011

Oh, honey. I work, remember? And we didn't meet in childbirth class. DUH.

I am so excited about our spa day!

Tee hee.

Umm... let's see. I think I'd just call her and say, "YAY! DH bought us a spa day. When can you go?"

ec3under4 · November 2011

I like LLCG's idea that way it's not all on you but rather your dh doing something nice for you and a friend!

BoxerMomma · November 2011

ec3under4:
I like LLCG's idea that way it's not all on you but rather your dh doing something nice for you and a friend!

i agree. dont make a big deal about it.

my amazing friend got me a big spa gift card for my bday one year b/c i was feeling down about getting old and we definitely dont have the money for those kinds of things. she didnt make a big deal about it and i appreciated it SO much. it's still one of the best gifts ive ever gotten.

bluestreet · November 2011

I like LLCG's idea, even though it's a white lie. I think it's great of you to think about this, and I do think how you frame it is important. Money can do weird things in terms of power dynamics, and you don't want her to feel beholden to you and consequently resentful. I'm talking on the subconscious level here, not overt. So, yeah, it was a gift from DH, woohoo!

SaraLouiseBride08 · November 2011

I like LLCG's idea. I would feel very uncomfortable if a friend just paid for me to go to a spa day just because, you know?

However, if it was presented as a gift your DH bought you that she just gets to participate in, then I'd be much more comfortable. He wanted to give you a spa day, and knows you like to go with a friend, and so that's just how the gift comes ... spa day for two!

Jess.O · November 2011

PP had great suggestions. I just wanted to add that I think that is so nice of you. She's lucky to have become friends with someone that thoughtful.

Slobina · November 2011

Thanks y'all. Honestly, it isn't even a white lie to tell her it is a gift from DH. That's how it came up. I was sitting there talking to DH this weekend, and he said, what do you want for Christmas? And I said, I want to go to the spa with [insert friend's name here]. Thanks for reminding me!

Slobina · November 2011

bluestreet:
I like LLCG's idea, even though it's a white lie. I think it's great of you to think about this, and I do think how you frame it is important. Money can do weird things in terms of power dynamics, and you don't want her to feel beholden to you and consequently resentful. I'm talking on the subconscious level here, not overt. So, yeah, it was a gift from DH, woohoo!

This is exactly how I feel. And I always feel like a jerk afterwards if I tell her about something I bought/did that I know she can't afford, but she would like. Just trying not to repeat that.

bluestreet · November 2011

Also, I wouldn't get too concerned about shielding your friend from your finances any more than you would with other friends. They have made the choice for her to SAHM, which is a luxury in itself (barring multiples or several close together, at which point daycare costs likely exceed her earning power- as several of the women on this board have pointed out). From what I read on this board, there are women who'd like to SAHM but can't afford it (Rosie has mentioned this), and there are SAHMs who have drastically reduced spending to be able to SAHM, and they acknowledge it's a trade-off (Ali has said as much). Not that you shouldn't be considerate! Just something to think about.

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