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A little help: Introducing kids to their grandfather
After 14 years of estrangement, I'm having lunch with my father in two weeks. I've decided to put our painful past aside and attempt to establish some semblance of a cordial relationship. Lily Tomlin writes: "Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past." (Mr. Google shared that bit of wisdom with me.)
I'm bringing DH and the girls to lunch, and they've never met him. My father is bringing his girlfriend, whom I also invited to lunch. I believe she's...ahem...25. He's 62, I think? Truthfully, given all the time and distance, I'm tempted to bring popcorn because it's bound to be cinematically, no...epically, awkward.
Anyway, I was wondering how the heck to prepare my 8-year-old and 4-year-old. A few years ago, L asked where my real dad was. I explained we weren't in touch because he'd been mean to me and it's important to keep distance from mean people (ever on the quest for teachable moments, right?). But we haven't talked about him recently. And R is all about finding the awkward spots and pushing hard, as 4-year-olds will do. She keeps asking, "Why didn't you see your daddy? Was he with God?" I can't wait to see what she says to him and his girlfriend.
Any advice on how to frame my relationship with my father to the girls in a way that minimizes the weird but isn't a patent lie would be awesome!
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Re: A little help: Introducing kids to their grandfather
Good for you for trying to build bridges and I know firsthand how hard that can be with your dad (and a much younger gf.......good times)!
Honestly, if it were me, I'd go alone (or with just my DH). I feel like that's so much, emotionally, for YOU to navigate, I wouldn't want to have my kids there in the middle of it, undoubtedly sensing mom's stress. Also, you might decide after lunch that you don't want to see him or her ever again and I wouldn't want to have put my kids through that if it goes poorly, KWIM?
I know he probably wants to see his granddaughters and the thought of having your family there feels comforting to you, but I just think in the grand scheme it would be better for you to figure out your relationship with him (and the gf) a little bit before you introduce someone who could potentially be such a big part of their lives.
Obviously, it's your decision to make and I hope I'm not coming across as judgmental because you know yourself and your kids best....that's just my two cents
Personally, I would be honest with your 8 year old. I wouldn't necessarily dwell on it, but I would tell her that your father was mean to you/ a bully (whatever she's going to understand) but that you were going to give him another chance. Maybe talk about forgiveness. I would also make it clear to her that giving someone another chance does not mean that you need to be a doormat and that adult you will not tolerate disrespect/ yelling (whatever the issue is/ was.)
As for the 4 year old, I would keep it more basic. We're going to meet your grandfather. You can call him (first name, Mr. Last name, whatever.) I would answer questions she had, but I wouldn't elaborate. Answer only what she asks, KWIM?
You don't have to answer this, but if he was abusive, I would think about how he was abusive and give your girls tools to prevent it from happening to them.
ETA: clarification
Jumping on board the "I wouldn't take 'em" train.
I don't know the background between you and your dad, but "painful past" and 14 years of not seeing each other doesn't just go away w/ a lunch and a smile. I think it would be amazingly fantastic if you two are able to build a relationship and THEN introduce him to the girls, but I think it would be too much to throw everyone together at once.
Is there anyway you and DH could go and leave the kiddos at home? I know you need support. If not, introduce him as your dad. I wouldn't say grandpa (though I would be tempted just because the 25 year old girlfriend and add that she was a soon to be grandma). Maybe this is also an opportunity for your beautiful daughter that even some mean people deserve to be forgiven. I am sorry you've had to deal with this but you are such a strong person to take the first steps towards forgiveness.
Thanks for the feedback! A lot of great thoughts in this thread.
It hadn't occurred to me to not bring the girls, and I will chew over that possibility for the next couple of days.
Not at all. Your response captured a lot of my feelings, and it's nice to know there are people who can relate.
Hilarious. I was thinking when we meet I'd hug her and say, "I can call you 'mom,' right?"