just found this board,need advice

b0undl0v3 · October 2011

I just seen someone mention this board on the other loss board. My husband and I lost our son 10 weeks ago today. He was born stillborn and i had a lot of complications.i guess i'm asking advice on two things. the first,does anyone else just feel like they NEED to have another baby,not that i think i could ever nor do i ever want to,replace Bentley but i just feel like my arms are empty.and its like i want to be pregnant again but i'm scared too.any one else feel this way?

the second is my mother in law..the day we told her we were pregnant she told me to get an abortion she didn't want a grand baby(husband and i drove 12 just to tell them this for Christmas)..she never apologized and never wanted our son..with everything that happened i just can't look at her now even.she told me at the grave side "you need to talk to someone but not me,I've always had HEALTHY babies" I don't know what to do?

krysiahamaty · October 2011

First of all, so sorry for your loss and sorry that you have to be here but welcome.

I do feel that I need to have a baby. Even this early in my grieving. I lost Jack with no known reason after a healthy pregnancy. I went in for a routine 38 week weekly appointment and there was no heartbeat. After seeing our baby boy, DH and I know we want to have a baby and start a family. I know if we do get pregnant again, I'll be a paranoid mess but I know bringing home a baby is something that we both want badly. Another baby would never, ever replace Jack and I know I will always wish we could have brought him home.

I am sorry to hear about your MIL being so unsupportive. I don't have anyone in my life like that, but if I did, I know I wouldn't take it. After this experience, I realize how important things are and who has been there. It's not with having people part of your life of they are going to be cruel.

AmyG2b · October 2011

I am very sorry for your loss. I definitely understand your feelings about having another baby. It feels like you got cheated, and desperately still want to be a mom to a healthy baby you can take home. As for your mother-in-law, it's horrible that you have to go through that. That should be the last thing on your mind as you're trying to deal with all of these emotions related to the loss of your child. Shame on her.

lovemymaddy · October 2011

AmyG2b:
I am very sorry for your loss. I definitely understand your feelings about having another baby. It feels like you got cheated, and desperately still want to be a mom to a healthy baby you can take home. As for your mother-in-law, it's horrible that you have to go through that. That should be the last thing on your mind as you're trying to deal with all of these emotions related to the loss of your child. Shame on her.

This exactly. I am so sorry for your loss and I feel some of the same way you do about having empty arms of no baby. It's just not easy. None of it is. And I am sorry about your MIL. I would take as much time away from her and apart from her as you need to in order to heal. Now is the time to protect and take care of yourself. ((hugs))

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illinigal · October 2011

I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs.

I can understand your feeling about wanting to get pregnant and have another baby since I feel the same way. I'm not trying to replace my boys, but I have always wanted to be a mom more than anything. I will certainly be terrified of something going wrong the entire time, but I have to try.

As for your MIL, that is awful. I'm sorry you have to deal with such an awful person. If she isn't supportive of you and your dh, then try to avoid her.

hannahlb2 · October 2011

I'm sorry for your loss.

Right after my daughter passed, I felt like the only thing getting me through was my desire for another baby. I think dreaming about another baby gives you hope for the future.

Your MIL honestly has no right to say those things to you. Mu MIL causes problems as well. She caused a huge confrontation and tried to physically fight me the day before we took our daughter off life support. Anyway, I haven't seen her since the memorial service. I'm hoping I can avoid her for a few more months. I don't think I am emotionally ready to see her yet.

magdalina.h · October 2011

I am so sorry for your loss and I'm glad you came over here

I had a strong desire to get pregnant again, but I knew I needed time to grieve. My friend said it best "We're on the train to babyland and all of a sudden we're derailed. The only thing we want to do is get back on that train." You will never replace Bentley and he will always be your baby. We waited 4 months before I got pregnant again.

As for your MIL, I would have slugged her in the face after the abortion comment. I would have beaten the snot out of her with the comment at the grave. What an awful women and your husband needs to make sure that he sets her straight.

It does help to talk to someone. I go to a monthly support group at my hospital that is amazing. Non late loss moms might think the way we grieve is weird (the post below about her friend taking the urn places) but we get it.

hewinked · October 2011

I am so sorry for your loss. I do feel the need to have another. When we had my son, we were done with having kids. My DH was even going to get a vasectomy. When my son first died, my DH said no absolutely he did not want to try again. It was heartbreaking to me. I felt like that part of my life was ripped away with no closure. He changed his mind, and now that I'm pregnant again, I am scared out of my mind that I'll lose this baby, too. It's a weird bag of emotions.

I'm sorry that your MIL is being so horrible about your pregnancy and now with the loss of your son. I really don't have any advice, other than to surround yourself with those that are supportive. I need people to lift me up during this time, not bring me down.

(((hugs)))

pb127 · October 2011

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you'll find some comfort and support here.

I definitely remember this INSANE obsession with getting pregnant again ASAP. I think this is a normal feeling and no one thinks you are trying to replace your Bentley. The feeling wore off after a little bit and, since we were told to wait for ~6 months before trying again, we had some time to really grieve and feel more comfortable in our next pregnancy. The TTCAL board is a great board while you're TTC or gearing up for it, and PgAL board is a wonderful place while you're pregnant.

As for your MIL, I can only recommend that you ignore her and keep your distance. I wouldn't ever be able to forget what she said, so I wouldn't blame you if you didn't either. If this was a friend, I'd say cut them loose, but mostly likely you can't really do that with a MIL, so just keep your distance. Big (((hugs))).

Carolee · October 2011

I'm so sorry for your loss. I want another child also, not to replace Eliott but because I want the chance to parent a child. I'm so sorry for what your MIL said to you. Big (((HUGS))). If you want to talk, we're here.

b0undl0v3 · November 2011

thank you to everyone.its nice to know I'm not crazy about everything.

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