sigh...got told "D's mom, please wait. We need to talk to you"

akayf · November 2011

D goes to a 3 year old class 2x a week for 2.5 hours in the morning(Mon/Tues) At pick-up yesterday, the teacher's assistant asked me to wait because she needed to talk to me.

The teacher was out and D was a beast. She said he was running around the room the whole time, refused to listen, lied about needing to go the bathroom and then was playing in the bathroom....basically the only thing he didn't do was hit or push the other kids. I was embarrassed and then she told me that even when the teacher is there, he only listens to her. When the others tell him to do something, he refuses to until the teacher repeats it.

I was very firm with him and told him he has to listen to all of them because they are all his teachers. He had to apologize to them. Plus he lost his Halloween candy for the day. He was very upset over that and kept saying he was bad in school so he couldn't have candy.

When we got home, he was extremely crabby and sounded nasally. He wound up taking a very long nap. So I'm going chalk up the extreme behavior to a combo of not feeling 100% and being upset over his teacher not being there.(he told me several times he was very sad she wasn't there) However, the whole "I'm only going to listen to the teacher" thing is unacceptable.

I'm going to talk to the teacher next time and see what's going on. On the way to school each morning, I plan to have a conversation reviewing with him that he has to listen to all his teachers.

KathrynMD · November 2011

The teachers need to deal w/ school problems there. There's not really much you can after the fact about his behavior at school.

Mrs Manners · November 2011

I think every kid has days like that. Do they have any kind of reward system they use at school? While you can certainly reinforce the desired behavior at home, I find an immediate action by the teacher is helpful. At ds's school, they use a color system. If you stay "on green" all day, you get to pick from the treasure box (trinkets supplied by the parents) at the end of the day. If you get on yellow or red, no treasure box. We make a huge deal at pickup of having him show me his name still in the green column.

If ds gets on yellow or red, at home we also reinforce the desired behavior through discussion and he loses his play priveledges. Yellow means he comes home and rests quietly and is able to read books until bedtime. Red means he comes home, has dinner and goes straight to bed. He's only been on red twice but gets on yellow (typically for not following teacher instructions) about once every week and a half.

e_dogsgirl · November 2011

I got the same thing last week cause apparently my DS spit on another boy. Well once we got home and were able to talk to him we figured out he was showing the other boy how he breathes fire. He was a dragon for halloween and had been practicing that weekend. Here I thought my kid actually spit which none of us have ever seen him to which was why I was so puzzled. Ah the joys!

cecee36 · November 2011

This is my daughter's second year at her preschool and her teachers and the other children in the class really like her. She receives great reports and makes good "grades" and is an excellent student. Having said that, she has her bad days, too and when I get those types of reports from school, we have an immediate conversation about it in the car. I feel like addressing it in the moment has a greater impact and sends the message that "this is so important that mama has to talk to me about it right now!"

What my husband and I have realized is that behavior issues (as well as most other things) requires on-going discussions. My friend was upset because her 3 year old misbehaved and she wanted to drive home the importance of being grateful. I was like "Good luck with that!" It's one of those things that needs to be discussed when it happens and when it doesn't. And it's worked out well for us. My daughter's not perfect but if we keep reminding her of what our expectations are, eventually she won't need any more reminders; she'll get it on her own. I'm sure you son will, too. Working with the teacher and enforcing good habits at home will ultimately show up in the classroom. GL!

akayf · November 2011

He's been saying all day today "I listen to my teachers. I make good choices" so I think talking to him firmly right away at school, telling him the consequence was losing his candy and then following through with that got the message across.

I wasn't overly concerned over him having a rough day...I know that happens from time to time and I think the change in routine combined with him not feeling 100% set him off. It's the only listening to the one teacher that concerns me. So I'll talk to her to see what is going on. I know he adores her but he needs to listen to others too. She's not going to be his teacher forever!

We normally go over what is expected in school while driving there and I have realized that I may have unintentionally causing part of the problem. I've always told him to listen to his teachers and he responds "I listen to Miss A" and I usually say "yes, you need to listen to Miss A." So I'm going to make sure I name all 3 adults.

kmhunt11 · November 2011

KathrynMD:
The teachers need to deal w/ school problems there. There's not really much you can after the fact about his behavior at school.

This is very true. You talking about it will help, but if he's not listening to the assistant, it is likely because she hasn't presented herself as someone to be listened to. Sounds like she had a bad day running the show and used your kid as the scapegoat. Not only that, the assistant might not realize that you DON'T tell a parent every time a kid has a bad day. It doesn't mean anything, there could be a million different causes both in school and out, and it just upsets us! Also, if you hear every time your kid has a rough day, you're not going to take the teacher as seriously when there is a real problem.

MrsBalletStar05 · November 2011

I have to agree with the poster that said I would like to know if my child had a bad day at school. Parents and teachers need to work together. Sometimes having a talk at home about behavior at school will help get the child on the right track to more appropriate behavior.

My child is in a bit of a different situation than most here. He is 4 and goes to a public Pre-K, full day, 5 days a week. They do worksheets where they trace letters, draw a line to match up items, ect. We get a binder sent home each day with a smiley face or a sad face. We sometimes get a sad face because DS#1 doesn't finish his worksheets. Should the school not tell us this? Is this their problem because he's obviously not listening to his teachers and that must be their fault? I just don't agree. We had a looong discussion about it tonight with him!

jk43008 · November 2011

I am confused about the pople who say it is the teacher's problem and not yours. To me, that is completely ridiculous and not at all the right attitude. Teacher's try very hard to control behavior but there is only so much they can do. It is a partnership between parent and teacher. Your responsibility is to do everything that you can to make your child understand that inappropriate behavior is not acceptable (like a stern talking to and taking away halloween candy) and then continue to focus on what the positive behavior should be (like a daily reminder in the car and maybe a small reward for a whole week of good choices at school---like going to the playground or picking out something special for lunch). People must remember that a teacher wants your child to behave and be a good school example as much as you do, but when they only have them for 5 hours a week, there is only so much they can do. The responsibility really lies with you and I think you are on the right track...

akayf · November 2011

I know there is only so much that I can do at home but the way I see it if he were in 1st grade and struggling with reading, well then I would be working with him at home with some reading activities to reinforce what the teacher is doing in the classroom. Why is this any different?

I did get some new info from DS today. He told me today that Miss B(the assistant that spoke with me) is not a teacher and that she's just a big girl in his class. I don't understand why he would think that. I've seen her in action on a class trip and when I went to observe the class in the spring. She's great!

We'll see what happens when I talk to the teacher.

stdldb29 · November 2011

smeame14:
kmhunt11:

KathrynMD:
The teachers need to deal w/ school problems there. There's not really much you can after the fact about his behavior at school.

This is very true. You talking about it will help, but if he's not listening to the assistant, it is likely because she hasn't presented herself as someone to be listened to. Sounds like she had a bad day running the show and used your kid as the scapegoat. Not only that, the assistant might not realize that you DON'T tell a parent every time a kid has a bad day. It doesn't mean anything, there could be a million different causes both in school and out, and it just upsets us! Also, if you hear every time your kid has a rough day, you're not going to take the teacher as seriously when there is a real problem.

Sorry, but I have to disagree with you....If DD is having a bad day, I want to know. I can look at sleep, if she is sick, her asthema is bothering her or what. I can then see if I can find a pattern over time. If my child acts like the origional poster said her LO was acting, I definately would want to know, and I would want to know about any bad behavior she was having that day. As a former teacher, if one of my kids was having a bad day, their parents knew.

I think parents need to follow up and discipline their children at home if they are misbehaving in class. I'm not talking about the OP on this, but in general. When my kid is being rude/disrespectful in class, then I want to know so I can get that stuff fixed asap. I wouldnt want the teacher to hide it from me- I'm a teacher, and I'm not there to RAISE your kids. I'm there to educate them-you discipline.

MrsBalletStar05 · November 2011

hehe, I'm laughing about the talk of taking Halloween candy away. Yup, did that when we got the sad face from school this week too! LOL. Glad to know I wasn't the only one...

2lovelyboys · November 2011

Exactly...I'm no teacher but I agree with the poster who said that the parents do the diciplining and the teachers are there to educate!

jerol · November 2011

KathrynMD:
The teachers need to deal w/ school problems there. There's not really much you can after the fact about his behavior at school.

Sigh....this is why being a teacher is such an exhausting and difficult job. We need your support!!

As a parent, yes, when they were younger what we did/said at home "after the fact" probably didn't do too much to change the behavior. But we absolutely dealt with the behavior at home. They need to know that the parents and teachers work as a team. I have seen the benefit of this just these last 3 weeks with my Kindergartener. The teacher asked us to have a conference and she shared some behaviors that had been going on for some time with DD. ( I wish I would have know sooner!). Well, we punished the behavior at home and reinforced the expected behavior every single day and the last 2 weeks I have gotten great reports from the teacher on Fridays. She said a total turn-around.

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