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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
Mrs.T-to-be
member
NTR - Lurker needs objective advice
Mrs.T-to-be
member
I'm a daily lurker. Before I go on, let me say "thank you" for all the great advice. It seems that every time something comes up with my little guy (18 months old), I pop on and there's an answer to my question waiting! That said, I've seen some good an honest opinions from this board, and I'm looking for some objective thoughts. Please chime in!
My husband and I have been together for 10 years. We're both well-educated and reasonable, and we both love each other a great deal. We're struggling in our relationship right now, though. We're in counseling, but there's one issue that we been unable to work past -- his family.
The issue: I think that they shouldn't be allowed to see our son unless they come visit us (for reasons below). He does. Nothing is changing my mind and nothing is changing his. So the question is, do you think I'm being unreasonable?
Background:
- ILs have always treated my husband like an afterthought. We live out of town so we don't see them regularly. When we get to their house, his dad always says he's tired and immediately goes in the other room to "nap" (AKA - watch TV by himself). His mother complains the whole time.
- ILs refuse to acknowledge me. If I say hello, they walk by and do not respond. If we're together and they introduce "us", they'll only say, "This is my son ____" but never mention me.
- MIL wrote in my baby book, "I'm glad you're finally pregnant so you can get all ____'s sh!t out of my house now". She also wore an white prom dress (strapless, pickups, crinoline and all) to our wedding?!
- FIL refuses to hold or interact with our son.
- They did not call us for three months before my son's birth -- never called to see how we were, see whether he'd been born, etc. This is after my husband told them that he was tired of always reaching out to them and wanted them to participate in their relationship too. He stopped calling to give them a chance to call and they never did. My due date came and went and they still hadn't tried.
- I invited MIL to the early ultrasounds and doctor's appointments with me (any one my mom came to). She said she wasn't interested. Fine, but then she complains that I'm a terrible person who doesn't like them.
- ILs refuse to come out to see our son (2 hour drive) despite our inviting them over regularly throughout the year. They want us to hand-deliver our son to them. They will have seen him one time this year. That's it. They've said if we don't drive him to them that they just won't see him.
- I was in my ILs town when my sister went into labor (they live in the same area). I took my son to the hospital with me, but the labor was longer than expected. I called my MIL and asked her to pick up my son so that I could be with my sister when she delivered (she wanted me there) since my son was getting cranky and needed to leave. She refused. She said she didn't want to drive the 10 minutes to pick him up.
The list goes on. . .
At this point, my opinion is that they may only see him when they're willing to put forth the effort to visit. I will not drive 2 hours to bring him to them if they're not willing to drive 10 minutes to see him (let alone see him at all). I refuse to hand-deliver him to them at this point. They're rude to me and they act like he's inconsequential -- all this while they lavish affection on their other grandchild. I don't want him to see how wonderfully they treat his cousin when they can't even acknowledge his existence.
My husband thinks they should be allowed to see him when we're in town. He doesn't like to "rock the boat" with them.
Who's right? Would you bring your child to see them?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: NTR - Lurker needs objective advice
First of all- I'm sorry you have to deal with people like that. I wouldn't go out of my way for them, especially if they're unappreciative. But I would be supportive of my DH and talk to him about how he (+ you and ds) are being treated, and see how he feels about all of it.
DH's parent's were like that with him. They live 10 miles away and we have NO contact. We tried. But it just didn't work.
Whatever happens, I hope you guys find a good solution.
Honestly, I do think you're being unreasonable. I can see why you feel this way, and their behavior absolutely completely sucks. But it's more you being offended than them being harmful to your son. They are still his grandparents, and while they may suck, they have a right to a relationship with your son. I am in no way saying that there isn't deal breakers, a lot of grandparents out there should have zero access to their grandkids for many reasons.
This all being said, I would simply let your DH take them and not go. I don't think her unjustified opinion of you will change anyway, sadly.
I say all this because I had no relationship with my paternal grandmother because my mom hated her. Grandma wasn't a great person, but she was still my grandma. I have some resentment toward my mom on that topic.
I see both sides.
I'm really sorry you have to deal with this. Your ILs sound pretty horrible and inconsiderate.
I would not go out of my way to visit them/bring DS to them. That said, if I was in town for something else already, then I would visit. I would also encourage DH to talk to them directly about how he feels.
I agree with you. My mother was treated very badly by her mother, and so where my mothers children. She was the b*stard child.I can remember a few christmas's where all the other kids got electronics, and my moms kids got pencil sharpeners (the 10 cent ones) or something along those lines. Eventually my mom got fed up with her mother, and stopped talking to her. That was the best thing she could have ever done for us because she was toxic to everyone in my family. I haven't talked to my grandmother in almost 20 years, she hasn't seen any pics of my kids, or any of all of my kids for that matter.
Bottom line is I would not want my kid to be treated like that, so no they would not see him.
Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter
"><a href="http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"><img border="0" src="http://tickers.myfitnesspal.com/ticker/show/825/1820/8251820.png" /></a><p style="text-align:center;width:420px;"><small>Created by MyFitnessPal - Free <a href="http://www.myfitnesspal.com">Calorie Counter</a></small></p>Have you addressed these issues in counseling? Does your husband agree with you in those instances, or does he see these things as having little to no impact on your lives?
Personally, from a person who has a strained relationship with her MIL, I would try to support DH. Could the two of you sit down with your in-laws together & explain to them how their disregard for you makes your feel? After that conversation, I'd use the holiday season as a trial run, making sure that you and he are communicating when something bothers you so that both of you are aware of what's going on.
If nothing's improved, re-visit the situation after the holidays are over & see if you can come to an agreement. Maybe meeting for dinner somewhere between the two places a weekend every couple of months or so. If you're extending the offer to them and they're unwilling to meet you in the middle, I'd either A) screw it or
see if your DH would take DS to them by himself.
Based on what you have said, I would say that if you are in town where they live anyway, then maybe stop by for an hour or so to see them. You do NOT owe them that, but YH may want to actually see his parents even if they do not deserve it. I would not make a trip just to see them though.
I dont know if my ILs would have come to see C after he was born, but we made the drive to go see them at 5 weeks. The only time we have been out to see them was before DH and I got engaged and then once for a funeral, and that was in the 11 years since we started dating. They both came for C's bday. If we were treated that way though, we would not go again.
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Wow, that really sucks that you have IL's that behave like that. That being said, I can see your DH's point. I see yours too, btw. It's not so much about rocking the boat, as it is doing what you can to give them an opportunity to have a relationship with their grandchild. You shouldn't be inconvenienced, but I say if you're already in town at least stop by. I'd be willing to bet the more you stop by, the more DH will see how they are and he will get fed up and make the decision himself. Unless they are harming your child, you don't really have any room to dictate the rules with his family. I don't mean that in a snarky way at all, I totally get where you're coming from. If I were in the same situation, it would be hard for me to follow my own advice here. And yes, your DS will notice that he is treated differently by his grandparents....and then that will be his decision to make and he can ask them the tough questions. Those are questions you will have to defer to them, you couldn't, and shouldn't, answer those.
I know it sucks, but this is between your DH and his family. If they treat you badly, then you could always ask him to confront them about it, or you could talk to your therapist about how to go about it yourself in a healthy manner. If they treat your DS badly, then that's a different story. And if they treat your DH badly, then that's an issue between the two of them.
I wish you luck, but it honestly sounds like this is a situation that if you just, I don't want to say give in, but compromise, to a short visit here and there, then it might all turn out to where it will play itself out and your DH will have had enough. But that's really his call to make.
GL!
Thanks for your thoughts (and for making it through that LONG post!). It seems like I might need to budge a little bit for the sake of my husband. If everyone else sees that but me, I'm willing to concede that you're probably right.
Thanks again!