3rd Trimester

venting but would like opinions please.

My husband and I married January 14th 2011 we only knew each other for a month before we got married.. Now that its almost been a year, and I'm 8 months pregnant he has started playing his stupid game WOW again, started going out playing soccer, seems distant and defensive when i try and talk to him about some things that make me aggravated that he does.. Due to his history of us being together he's pretty already much cheated and i caught him, he's military its kinda of hard to trust some of the things he tells me because he used to lie so much, and I'd always catch him..
         Here's where i need the opinion and advise..

 

He's only asked me to go to a couple of his soccer games i've gone to one.. He's had maybe 5 if not a little more.. ONE DAY he came home from a "soccer" game immediately asked me if i wanted to get into the shower which i found odd already because he never asks to do that usually its me.. While in the shower i looked at him and there was a mark on his neck red like a hickie  but not with the blood risen to it but you can see where the lips would have been and it was the ONLY red mark on his body..He claims he doesn't know where that would come from and he wouldn't do that but i don't know what to believe anymore and have a hard time with the trust a little still it was getting better until i saw the mark on his neck.. Mind you the ONLY mark on his body after "soccer"... What would you think?? and do??

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Re: venting but would like opinions please.

  • What would I do?  Not marry someone I only knew for a month.
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  • Im talking about the situation with the mark on the neck.
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  • I'm sorry that you have to deal with this while being pregnant. This should be such a special time in your life and you shouldn't have to worry about what your husband is doing when he's not at home. GL! Hopefully he can wake up and be a better husband and a great dad.
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  • You said you already caught him cheating once before....

    I would have already left him... pregnant or not.

  • I'll start by giving advice on being married to someone who likes to game.  To a gamer guy, he considers it spending quality time with you if you happen to be sitting in the same room as him while he games, even if he doesn't talk to you or barely acknowledges you.  You have to really insist on doing things together, but let him keep some gaming time in his day.  He'll be more open to putting down the game for you if he doesn't feel like you're banning it from his life.

    Don't be too quick to jump to conclusions about the mark.  He's inviting you out with him, and I think you should go with him.  Sports bruises can show up in the weirdest places.  If it's obvious there's a lady friend there giving him a lot of attention, then by all means sound the alarm.  For the sake of your relationship though, be willing to go support him in what's important to him, even if it isn't the most interesting activity for you.

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  • Yeah- I agree with PP. you could have avoided the whole situation if you hadnt married after one month.

    How do you know someone after one month ?!

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  • Why not ask to come watch his soccer games? Find out more about what he is doing by taking an interest in it. I'd spend some time investigating before I jumped to conclusions. If you have trust issues you should also seek counseling for those issues as a couple.
  • Okay first off, he's "pretty much" cheated? Either he did or he didn't.

    As far as this specific incident, I think you two need to decide if this is a marriage you both actually want to be in. Because it sounds like you have some trust and expectations issues on your end, and he's maybe not committed on his end. And if you do actually want to be married, then you really need to take some steps to improve things and learn a little about each other. Seriously, go to counseling or a couples' retreat or something, because if you are just staying together for the baby, he's going to pick up on the fact that you don't actually like each other.

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  • Wow! This is a tough one because your already in and in deep. Whoever wrote, "not marry a man you only knew a month" is right, but that's no help at this point. Trust is a very important thing in a marriage and once it's gone it's very hard to get back. So my question is "did you actually catch him cheating before?" If so, you're always going to be suspicious of him, unless you both work really hard on your marriage to reestablish trust again.  

    It's possible the mark come from the game, but it's also possible it didn't. Your going to have to make up you mind if you want to spend the rest of your life like this, always wondering if he is being faithful. I don't know how old you are, but my advice is evaluate your current situation and don't waste years on a man that isn't ever going to be faithful to you. You deserve more. Everyone deserved to be in a relationship with love and trust. To me it's so sad when people (men or women) spend 10 years in a relationship that has little to no hope of ever working out. Then you just wasted the best years of your life and have to start over again, but 10 years older. I watched my sister do that and she regrets it so much.

     I really am sorry your having to go through this because when your having a baby it can be a wonderful experience to make a strong marriage stronger. You need to talk to him and talk to him a lot. Get involved in his life. No need to ask to go to a game, your his wife, not his clingy girlfriend. You need to be his friend, not just any friend, but his best friend. You need to be able to share everything with each other. If you can work on that, then maybe your heading down a better road, but jealousy, distrust and secrets are the makeup of a bad ending.   

     Good luck! I really hope I didn't over step by giving my opinion, but you asked and I truly believe marriage and and family can be a beautiful thing. Maybe I naive, but I truly believe that everyone deserve to be in a happy, healthy relationship. If it's not happy or healthy, you need not to waste you time.      

  • imagenamara5532:

    I'll start by giving advice on being married to someone who likes to game.  To a gamer guy, he considers it spending quality time with you if you happen to be sitting in the same room as him while he games, even if he doesn't talk to you or barely acknowledges you.  You have to really insist on doing things together, but let him keep some gaming time in his day.  He'll be more open to putting down the game for you if he doesn't feel like you're banning it from his life.

    Don't be too quick to jump to conclusions about the mark.  He's inviting you out with him, and I think you should go with him.  Sports bruises can show up in the weirdest places.  If it's obvious there's a lady friend there giving him a lot of attention, then by all means sound the alarm.  For the sake of your relationship though, be willing to go support him in what's important to him, even if it isn't the most interesting activity for you.

    I just wanted to say that the bolded part is exactly right. If I leave the room my DH will ask why I left. I'll say, I'm going to watch TV you're just playing your game. He will say that he misses me. lol.

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  • You have a lot of stressors in a new relationship. I can't cast stones for getting married after only knowing him a month b/c I knew DH a month and a half and we paid for our wedding and got married after being together for six months. I think the difference is we are both older, and we knew it was the right thing. We will be married two years this January.

    If he cheated that early on in your relationship, that is a huge problem. The fact that he doesn't want you to go to his soccer games is another problem. DH plays tennis and I go to every match and most the practices. I even go when he has just a pick-up game with friends.

    Anyone would be distant and defensive if someone was telling them what all the things that they did aggravated the other person. You are attacking so it would be natural for him to be defensive. He's not being distant, you are pushing him away. Treat him how you want him to treat you. Right now being home probably feels like a hostile envirnoment right now so he would rather be out doing other things. Everyone needs a sanctuary (which should be home) but right now home is not a pleasant place for him right now.

    You may want to approach him in a way telling him that you are both young and have a lot going on in a new relationship and that you think you both could use some guidance on how to work together better as team since the dynamics are about to get thrown upside down when the baby gets here. If you guys don't know how to be in a relationship now how are you going to know what to do once the baby gets here??

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  • I would suggest meeting with the chaplin for counseling. If you're not comfortable with that militaryonesource.com has counseling for free. They are a great resource. If he refuses I would leave. A marriage is hard work and needs the same commitment from both parties. Also, if you have evidence that he cheated hold on to it he can get in trouble at work for it and it will help if you need to divorce. Good luck, and for the record i marred dh after 4 months and that was 6 years ago.
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  • imagesassafras007:

    You said you already caught him cheating once before....

    I would have already left him... pregnant or not.

     Ditto. 

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  • I honestly would have left him the first time I caught him, I don't need to stress constantly about whether he is or isn't, or about every little 'sign'.

     I would say that if he is not willing to go to counselling or to try to work on the marriage, he may still be acting sneaky behind your back.

    I would leave, I'd rather be a single mom then be disrespected by my husband like that.

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  • I'd play WoW with him, nothing gets to a gamers heart like a good support class.  and I'd go watch him play sports, cheer him on, and see what's really going on before stressing out about it too much.  Get your facts and go from there.  Wondering isn't working, who knows you may enjoy being part of that part of his life.  If he is really cheating, then dump him, being a single parent is hard but not as hard as living in that kind of relationship.
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  • I honestly think you already know what you need to do.  If he has already cheated on you...he will again.  Please do not stay with him for the baby!  Life is way to short.  Oh and next time take things slow and get to know someone before you marry them after just one month.  Life may be to short...but its not that short!

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  • imageH21eather:
    Im talking about the situation with the mark on the neck.

    I would argue that you got yourself into this situation by marrying someone you knew for a month, getting pregnant by them, and not leaving his behind when he "pretty much" cheated on you.  And you can't blame him being in the military.  He's just an_asshole.

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  • Yeah, opposed to what a PP mentioned, I definitely WOULD jump to conclusions about a red mark on his neck if he's cheated previously.

    Obviously, you can't undo the fact that you married him after a month, that you're pregnant, and that you forgave him for cheating once. 

    But...you don't have to put up with this shiit anymore.

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  • My husband gets marks on his neck from carrying heavy bags.  It looks like a hickey but its not.  I didn't believe him the first time I saw it but after travelling with him, knowing that I was the only person with him during those time periods, I do believe him now. 

    Did your DH carry a heavy bag (maybe soccor gear) over his shoulder?  That could have caused the mark.

    I think you also need some that can help both of you through all of this.  The gaming is going to have to either slow down a lot or stop when the baby is born.

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  • My DH plays soccer once a week with his friends, and some of my cousins and he comes home disgustingly sweaty and with all sorts of bumps and bruises.

    I say you need to grow a pair tell DH your concerns and work through it. Marriage is not easy but I imagine it is much harder since he has cheated once before and you have only known him for less than a year. However that is not an excuse for either giving up on a marriage or not being up front with one another. Another thing you can do after talking with him about it is start going to his games to cheer him on. Maybe he wants you to be involved somehow and you might feel better about it yourself.

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  • I'm a little confused by his "pretty much" cheating. If he cheated, I would absolutely jump to conclusions, and I think it's fair for you to discuss the red mark with him. If he is indeed cheating again, I would leave him. No questions. I know it's hard but you deserve better.

    Now if his "pretty much" cheating was not really cheating, I'd take a different approach. Like others said, spend more time with him, go to his games, play WoW with him, get into things he likes and be there for him. I have to say that I didn't fully know my husband after a year. I didn't know he was an avid baseball fan for almost a year and he's obsessed. You might still need to spend more time getting to know each other.

    As a side note, my family has this issue with our skin, where any sort of scratch turns red. It's weird.

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  • So he cheats and he lies and you know this???

    "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me."

    I would have been long gone and not bothered to look back. 

  • I'm sorry, is this a joke or real? You married a guy you had known for one month? Within, what a month (?), of getting married you're pregnant? Your post talks about a "history" of lying and maybe cheating, but it's hardly history if you haven't even known each other a year. Why, why, why did you marry him and then why, why, why did you have a baby with him?
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  • I agree! I would follow him next time he goes to his "soccer" game:)
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