What to say to best friend... — The Bump
Special Needs

What to say to best friend...

I just came over to this board, and you all are amazing women.  I am hoping for a little advice here.  My dearest friend was told on Wednesday following an in-depth US that her daughter has either Downs syndrome or Turner syndrome.  We'll know either today or Monday.  She is so torn apart, understandably, and I want to do whatever I can to help.  She has an 19 month old son who is amazing.  I also have a 3.5 month old little girl, and don't want this to make her feel sad.  Any advice you all have as to what I can do for her would be so appreciated.  Thank you!

Re: What to say to best friend...

  • tell her you're sorry (really it was nice to hear that) and it's ok to agree with her when she says 'this stinks' (or something to that effect).  be there for her, cry with her, bring food, get her out of the house.  she may not reach out to you, we cocoon'ed ourselves for a while, keep reaching out to her. really, some of our friends have pretty much ignored us b/c *they* feel uncomfortable - our real friends worked hard to let us know how much they love us. we were surprised by some who fell in both categories.
  • Celebrate her baby even if the baby is "different" --- It made me sad when people told me they were sad about Nate having Down Syndrome - He's my son - I'm not sad about him! Yes she may be on a different journey...but just support her...let me know that she will be a good Mommy no matter what...let her know she has friends that will love and support her and her family........


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  • you're right - couldn't agree more!
  • The best thing you can do is just support her and to be there for her.  Let her know you will be there to always listen to her.

  • I agree with all the pp.

    But I can also tell you what NOT to say.

    Don't say:

    1. "Oh, I'm sure everything will be alright. I knew someone who had a bad ultrasound and then their baby was born and he was perfect". Saying something like this only gets her hopes up?momentarily. Sometimes "things" don't work out. And sometimes the doctors aren't wrong.?

    2. "Everything will work out". Well it doesn't.

    Right now her world is falling apart. She's probably in shock and grieving. You don't need to offer any kind words. Just be there for her if she needs to talk and remind her that you will ALWAYS love her and her baby no matter what happens.?

  • for me saying sorry isn't what i wanted to hear. ?i agree with pp to just support her...tell her that she just might be blessed with a child who has special needs. ?also, tell her not to say "why me" rather "why not me". ?everything is going to work out fine, it just takes time. ?
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  • Ditto all of the pp's!
    Contrary to what she is probably thinking right now it is NOT the end of the world! She will love this baby no matter what and more often than not she will forget that he is 'different' from any other baby..

    I def agree with the poster who said not to tell her that you're sorry! Why should people be sorry??! You are still celebrating a life! 

    I am sure she is devastated right now but people will feed off of her reactions. We did not know that Caleb had Downs until about a week after he was born. Once MH and I accepted it, everyone else did too. Now if no one asks, I dont offer the information. If they do ask, I have no problem telling them that my son has Downs.. Its what you make of it..

    Please tell her that we are here to support her if she wants to talk!
    I know there are a few Downs Mommy's on here who she can talk to!

  • I know this is a late post, I haven't seen this board until today, but I hope you don't mind my commenting.

    I am just offering advice for your friend not as a parent of a special needs child, but as a teacher of special needs children. I have worked in high school classrooms, group homes, and summer camps, all with individuals who have varying ranges of disabilities - some severe, some with multiple disabilities, some mild. If you think it will help your friend at all, please share with her that her daughter can have a fulfilling life, and a very happy one. Many of the kids I know with the most severe problems are some of the most positive people I know. I am not in any way trying to belittle this problem - I know from what parents have shared with me how difficult the journey will be - but I know many individuals who grow up to have jobs, move out into group homes, and have a positive, semi-independent lifestyle. PLEASE - do not take this the wrong way - I have no idea what it would be like to go through the experience of learning that my baby was not going to develop typically - I just want to offer positive thoughts.

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