telling the those in the t-ttc world.

mmeross · October 2011

My husbands sister and her husband have been trying to have children for many MANY years. They have tried many clinical ways and done a lot of testing and have had no luck whatsoever. They are also unable to adopt because she has a physical assault charge on her record. They very much so want children.

DH and I have been trying for about 3 years and we got our BFP in October. we don't intend to tell most anyone until Thanksgiving including his sister.

I can't figure out how we should tell her though. I'm wondering if we should tell her husband first and let him spill the news to her, or if we should just set them down over a nice supper and tell them at the same time.

I've had trouble with her in the past, she has quite the temper and overreacts quite often. I fear this will be one of the instances where we would be kicked out of their house and cursed at for the next couple of months if we do this wrong.

I'm seriously concerned because we've been trying to tiptoe around her and keep her happy, but it's been difficult in the past and I'm honestly not terribly optimistic about this bit of news.

* If she wasn't the only family my DH has in a 700 mile radius I wouldn't care... but he want's to keep her in the loop.

DomesticDiva0429 · October 2011

This is a horrible spot to be in and for that I am so sorry. I guess, not knowing the whole in and out of the situation I would invite them over to your place and tell them over dinner. Explain, that you were nervous about telling them because it is a sensitive subject or whatever and that you did not want them to think you were being insensitive because you too, know how frustrating it can be to try for so long. Kinda like extending an olive branch of compassion, if that makes any sense.

With that being said, GL and if she can't be happy for you at least to your face ( who care what she says to her husband) then maybe you keep your distance. You deserve to be happy even elated that your pregnant and her issues are not your issues. I understand the need to have family in your life but....if those people are toxic well..they got to go or at least have their distance from you.

bananers · October 2011

Maybe in this type of situation, an email would be best. Give her time to react privately and on her own time, and hopefully by the time you break the news at Thanksgiving, she will have come to terms with it an just be happy.

Since you were also trying for quite a while, maybe you can use this to your advantage too. Does she know you've been trying for 3 years? If so, maybe she'll be more likely to be happy for you since you're not one of those "annoying people who got pg on the first try." (not that I think that is anyone's fault for how quickly or not they got pg - it's not like they can help it!)

I would say something about how you're planning on sharing some exciting news with family at Thanksgiving, but that you wanted to let her know first, since you know how bittersweet it can be to hear the news of a loved one's pregnancy.

GL!

KCandJASON · October 2011

You have to tell them both directly, at the same time. Just say that you wanted them to hear it from you because you love and care for them.

Don't take a bunch of abuse if it starts flying at you, but try to be sensitive to their situation. You may have to give them time to come around. Tell them when they're ready, you'd love for them to be part of LO's life. And then change the subject.

FutureNichols · October 2011

I had a friend in the exact situation and it was not easy. What she decided to do was tell them first, over dinner at their house. Her SIL definitely had a fit, but it was better to do it then than over holiday dinner. it's a tough post and I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I am not sure telling her husband first is a good or bad choice. it may be best or backfire. You know them, as does your DH. Talk with him and see what he thinks. But I would definitely tell them alone and not at Thanksgiving. GL!

pinotgirl · October 2011

My friend lost her 20-week-old twins a couple of months ago. I did tell her I was pregnant because we were IM'ing one day about an ob/gyn and I started out by telling her I had a miscarriage months ago but was pregnant again now. I figured the IM would allow her to respond to my news however she could process it in her own time. It seems to have gone over well. I'm supposed to see her in person next month.

miblue · October 2011

I would email her for sure. When we had t-ttc I hated it when people would try to tell me to my face, on the phone, on gchat, etc. It's better to allow them to read it and deal with it in their own time and their own way. Whatever you do, do not do it in person.

That is crazy about her temper though. Honestly if I was her husband, I would be slightly concerned about the well being of any children if/when they were to have any.

chusum · October 2011

Tat is not a fun situation to be in at all. I hope she'll be happy for you. I would not tell her husband first, if she finds out through him she'll be upset. I would sit her down and share the news before sharing with anyone else, and explain that you know it has been difficult for her. She hopefully knows it has taken you a while as well, so there is no need to bring that up to her.

naybird · October 2011

Don't tell them face to face. First off, as someone who has been fighting infertility for the last 5 years, it's painful to hear this kind of news face to face or on the phone. The best way for me to hear this kind of news is email. So I can read it, absorb it, have my cry and not have to worry about my first reaction, or my facial expression giving me away. No matter how happy I was for any woman, I was still sad for myself. No matter what.

Explain in the email that you are telling her this way so she can take her time and respond to you when she is ready and in her own time. Just to make it clear that you are doing this for her.

Also, let her know that you will be telling everyone on Thanksgiving, but you wanted her to know beforehand.

Another reason for not telling her face to face, you said she has violent tendencies. You need to protect yourself and your baby! Just in case!

Good luck to you, and don't take her reactions to personal!

nhatf820 · October 2011

I have many friends and relatives who have had trouble TTC and/or experienced losses in the past. I struggled with how to tell people when I got KU with DS (and he was a surprise). The only advice I have to offer is it is better to tell her directly. You could invite them for dinner at your house so they have the option to leave if they choose to.

nhatf820 · October 2011

nhatf820:
I have many friends and relatives who have had trouble TTC and/or experienced losses in the past. I struggled with how to tell people when I got KU with DS (and he was a surprise). The only advice I have to offer is it is better to tell her directly. You could invite them for dinner at your house so they have the option to leave if they choose to.

And by directly I meant not having her DH tell her, not necessarily face to face. Sometimes an email is better as PPs have said.

hopingforbaby2011 · October 2011

Slightly different situation but I thought it might help a little. I have had 2 miscarriages in this past year. I always have a harder time with people who just seem to get pregnant the first time without really having to try very hard and then have perfectly healthy babies (even though I was still happy for them...I was jealous too). When I saw people who have been in my same situation and get pregnant and have healthy babies it gives me hope.

She might surprize you, since you have been trying for so long, and be really happy for you. Just try to be sensitive, and understanding if her inital reaction is negative.

Karrotelle · October 2011

My best friend and her husband have been TTC for 5 years. They have tried many different forms of fertility treatments to no avail. After lots of consideration I decided to write my girlfriend an email to let her know I was pregnant. I told her a few days after I found out because she's my best friend and I didn't want to risk any chance she heard from anyone but me. I didn't want her finding out on Facebook when we announce at Christmas. That's not fair to her.

I acknowleged that although I know deep down she's very happy for us, I also know she's sad for herself too, and although I can't sympathize because I hadn't been through what she has, I empathize because she is like my sister and I am on this journey with her, as her friend. She called me a few days after getting the email to thank me for the way I told her. It gave her time to react however she needed to (cry) and not feel ashamed or guilty for having those sad feelings.

Every situation is different and only you truly know how your SIL will handle things but maybe this is something to consider?

greenturtles · October 2011

naybird:

Don't tell them face to face. First off, as someone who has been fighting infertility for the last 5 years, it's painful to hear this kind of news face to face or on the phone. The best way for me to hear this kind of news is email. So I can read it, absorb it, have my cry and not have to worry about my first reaction, or my facial expression giving me away. No matter how happy I was for any woman, I was still sad for myself. No matter what.

Explain in the email that you are telling her this way so she can take her time and respond to you when she is ready and in her own time. Just to make it clear that you are doing this for her.

Also, let her know that you will be telling everyone on Thanksgiving, but you wanted her to know beforehand.

Another reason for not telling her face to face, you said she has violent tendencies. You need to protect yourself and your baby! Just in case!

Good luck to you, and don't take her reactions to personal!

100% this. We have been TTC for over 3 years when my very best friend (who knew our fertility struggles) and her husband took us out to dinner to tell us they were having an "oops" baby. It was the most uncomfortable dinner ever. I know my face immediately fell - then I tried so hard to act excited for them while forcing back tears. I would have been much better off if I was told in an email.

In the end, I was VERY excited for them, and their baby is a big part of my life. But it is so hard to be put in that situation publicly. Tell her before you make the big announcement to the family. It will go a long way.

Congrats to you!! and I agree, don't take her reaction personal. AND, I think it is great that you are aware enough of her struggles to try and figure out the best way to communicate it to her. It is very thoughtful of you. I know I would certainly appreciate it.

purplehydrangea · October 2011

naybird:

Don't tell them face to face. First off, as someone who has been fighting infertility for the last 5 years, it's painful to hear this kind of news face to face or on the phone. The best way for me to hear this kind of news is email. So I can read it, absorb it, have my cry and not have to worry about my first reaction, or my facial expression giving me away. No matter how happy I was for any woman, I was still sad for myself. No matter what.

Explain in the email that you are telling her this way so she can take her time and respond to you when she is ready and in her own time. Just to make it clear that you are doing this for her.

Also, let her know that you will be telling everyone on Thanksgiving, but you wanted her to know beforehand.

Another reason for not telling her face to face, you said she has violent tendencies. You need to protect yourself and your baby! Just in case!

Good luck to you, and don't take her reactions to personal!

All of this. I think the most thoughtful thing you can do is to write an email or send a nice card letting them know that you are expecting. I also struggled with IF (although not for nearly as long as a lot of women) and you need time to yourself to digest the information. At the end of the day I was always happy for those around me getting pregnant, but I still needed that 'Why not me' moment.

As PP said, don't take her reaction personally. Until you have struggled with IF you have no idea of the heart ache.

Good luck.

mmeross · October 2011

Thank you everyone for all of these awesome responses. I appreciate all of the support from you ladies and you have given me many good ideas on how to work through this problem with DH.

I think I may send a card to her and her husband and explain everything, I think it could go a long way. Maybe I will even offer to have them over for supper when they are ready.

Again, thank you!

linds0130 · October 2011

I haven't read all the responses, but coming from someone who did have a longer journey of TTC, don't spring it on her in front of a large group. And if you can, give her a call (or have your husband) and tell her over the phone so she can hang up and deal with her emotions however she wants.

I had to pretend to be happy in person way too many times when all I wanted to do was cry (I was in fact happy for the new moms, I just needed to grieve my own issues first).

By telling over the phone it allows the person to deal with it how they need to. She may be sad and upset at first, but most likely she'll move to the happy and excited feelings for you!

Olive44 · October 2011

Don't tell them in person. I have dealt with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss for the last two years, and I will tell you hearing this kind of news is never easy. I would suggest a very thoughtful email. Maybe a phone call, but it would need to be very sincere, not all "Squeeee! We're preggers!" But it doesn't sound like that something you would do. Good luck.

CTumelty · October 2011

KarisaR88:

My husbands sister and her husband have been trying to have children for many MANY years. They have tried many clinical ways and done a lot of testing and have had no luck whatsoever. They are also unable to adopt because she has a physical assault charge on her record. They very much so want children.

DH and I have been trying for about 3 years and we got our BFP in October. we don't intend to tell most anyone until Thanksgiving including his sister.

I can't figure out how we should tell her though. I'm wondering if we should tell her husband first and let him spill the news to her, or if we should just set them down over a nice supper and tell them at the same time.

I've had trouble with her in the past, she has quite the temper and overreacts quite often. I fear this will be one of the instances where we would be kicked out of their house and cursed at for the next couple of months if we do this wrong.

I'm seriously concerned because we've been trying to tiptoe around her and keep her happy, but it's been difficult in the past and I'm honestly not terribly optimistic about this bit of news.

* If she wasn't the only family my DH has in a 700 mile radius I wouldn't care... but he want's to keep her in the loop.

I would sit them down at a restaurant and tell them. This way it will be harder for her to make a scene. I am someone that has struggled for over 2 years I hated when people would wait to tell me. I am still happy for you and yes it hurts but it's because you have something I don't/can't have. It's a hard position to be in. We had tons of annoucements this year and each one was hard for me to hear but no matter what I was still very happy for each and every one of them.

CnAnA · November 2011

When we were T-TTC, it was easiest for me to find out about friends' pregnancies via some manner of electronic device. That way I could get out all my anger, sadness, agression, whatever, before I had to physically see the pregnant person. By the time I saw them, I could put on a happy face. When we got our BFP last week, I sent my still TTC friends a text or email before I posted on FB to give them a heads up.

I would suggest sending her an email a few days before T'giving, saying something about how you are going to announce it at T'giving, but didn't want her to be blindsided in front of everyone. You still would like to keep it under wraps until then, so please keep it hush hush. But you will also have to take into account that if she's truly all crazy like you say she is, she may go spill the beans.

telling the those in the t-ttc world.

Re: telling the those in the t-ttc world.

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