We Lost Our Baby This Weekend

My first pregnancy with DD was very scary, I had an extreme amount of bleeding at 13 weeks and cramping and passing of blood clots. I was on complete bedrest and everyone thought I was miscarrying. We found out that I have a bicornuate uterus, and realized that was probably the cause of all of this. At 26 weeks, I went into PTL and at 28 weeks again, but had to have DD bc of Pre-e. DD was in the NICU for 2 months and did very well. We feel so blessed, bc we realized that there could have been many other outcomes with my our situation.

On Sept 1, we found out we were expecting again! We were so excited. We had been trying for 3 months and had gotten pregnant after our trip to Italy, just like with DD! (must be something in the water there) I hadn't even gotten a period yet (EBFing), so we were a little surprised! Right from the get-go, we started taking every precaution to be very careful to avoid any issues like last time. I never salted any food or cooked with salt (maybe to avoid pre-e) and also started taking it easy and using progesterone suppositories. I had some anxiety about week 13, but we were really positive that this pregnancy would go smoothly. I was so happy when we got to week 12 and remembered that the chances of miscarrying dropped significantly, and I also knew we had only a few more weeks to get passed my 13 week mile marker.

On Tuesday, we went in for an u/s and found that there was a 2 cm bleed in my uterus. Okay, not so big, and was at the top and not near the baby or placenta, so all good news. I just had to take it easy. We were still positive. Thursday evening I had felt a little funny and felt a little tingling in my belly, but thought nothing and hoped nothing of it. On Friday, after I woke up, I felt really sore in my lower abdomen and was hoping it was just round ligament pain. After an hour it started to feel like cramping, and it was coming and going. So I went to the Dr and got checked and an u/s. Everything looked great, except the bleed had doubled in size, so I was on complete bedrest. The cramping had gotten worse, so I was given pain med. They prepared me what to do in any case scenario and said I would bleed, but we just don't know when. The minute I got home and stepped out of the car it all came gushing out. I was hysterical and immediately called my dr. She said to rest and if in an hour it was still the same then to go into the e.r. at the women's hosp. So, in an hour we were on our way there. When we got there, I got some pain med for the contractions I was having. They were extremely strong, doubling me over and requiring me to breath through them. I got checked and got an u/s and everything looked great, except the bleed had doubled in size again. They wanted to keep me overnight to watch me. They prepared me for a m/c but I said no it's not happening, I had this same situation at the same time with DD and she's here and healthy.

Around bedtime, everything had subsided and I was able to sleep. In the morning I wasn't cramping and was only lightly bleeding, so I was discharged, but on bedrest. Around lunch time at home, the cramping/contracting started again. The bleeding was about the same. At dinner time, the doctor said I could go in bc the pains were stronger and I was passing blood clots by the handful, but bleeding was only coming a little when contracting. I went back to the e.r. and once I got there was in extreme pain again and bleeding a lot. They gave me drugs again and checked me and did an u/s and everything was even better! The bleed had shrank in half and the baby was still happily dancing in there. So, they sent me home. I was given more pain med to take at home and called my dr at about 10 bc it wasnt really working for me. So I just tried to stick it out.

I tried to lay down and rest but it was impossible, the pain was very extreme. I was trying to watch t.v. and keep my mind off of it, but at the same time trying to decide if I needed to wake DH up to go back to the e.r. At one point I felt something kind of drop in there, and was like oh great here come some more blood clots, and took my time getting to the bathroom bc it was hard to walk during the contractions. I got to the toilet and tried to catch the clot with tp. It came out as a big white blob as big as my 2 palms cupped together, and I dropped it in the toilet and started screaming for DH to come in I think I just had the baby and to get my my phone. I called the dr and she said it sounded like tissue and to go back to the e.r. I asked her if I should flush it or what and she said to bring it in. In the meantime DH is trying not to pass out while I am hysterically yelling at him to bring me something to put this in. He has a really hard time with traumatic situations and blood. He brought me a soup ladle and a tupperware to scoop it out of the toilet and we put it in a paper sack. I called my mom to come over to stay with DD while she slept and she tried to calm me down.

During the whole car ride DH was freaking out but trying to stay calm and calm me down. I was sobbing and praying and hoping it was a huge blood clot covered in progesterone cream. The contractions had stopped and I was still bleeding a little and passing some clots so I just didn't know. When I got to the e.r. I ran in and screamed for help that I was bleeding a lot and here comes some more clots. I went to the restroom and pulled the help string and the nurse came in and I showed her that I passed another big clot with white tissue in it. She told me I was miscarrying and I just screamed NO NO NO PLEASE NO while sobbing on the toilet covered in blood. I got up and went into the room and was begging for an u/s but they had to do all the other paperwork first. I kept praying the whole time. They tried to find the baby's hb with the doppler, but couldn't and I was still hopeful bc I was only 12w5d and it's hard to find still. Then they wheeled me in for an u/s and the women looked and I said "where's the baby, it's in there, find it please find it" and she said "no, I'm sorry" at that point I just started screaming and sobbing and DH held me and we cried together. I just kept saying "why" and "it's not fair" and "i wanted that baby" and DH said "me too" choking back tears.  After a while, they came back to finish and I said no please I dont want to, so she said she just needs one picture, so I told her to turn the computer screen away from me. I wanted to curl up with DH and be home in bed.

Finally we finished with everything, and it looked like everything had passed, so they let me go home. DH and I hugged all night and didn't get much sleep. I can't help but randomly start crying. I think about everything all day. I feel so empty and sad. But we keep reminding ourselves that we have DD and she is perfect and we are so lucky. But then I keep thinking that little baby was so perfect int here and think about all the cute u/s pics I have, and it just makes me so sad that that little one didn't even get a chance.

 Thank you for reading my story if you have read through it all you are amazing.