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Wow how TTC has changed me for the bitter... yes I said bitter.

LlamamamaLlamamama member
in TTC after 35

So I apologize in advance for my negativity but I just don't have any happy flowery words today.  I was not expecting a miracle this month since I was never able to get a 2nd line on my OPKs but I at LEAST expected AF to arrive at the usual time.  Today is CD 23.. 5 days early and I have spotting-which means that overnight or at least by tomorrow it will be full blown AF.  :(

6 months ago, heck even a year ago I would be hopelessly optimistic with spotting 5 days early, obsessing about implantation bleeding and "symptoms" I should be experiencing.  I would have already been looking at maternity wear websites and planning when to tell dh.  But I know that there is nothing to get hopeful about here.

Today I am just mad.  Mad that my cycle is going to be all screwed up.  Mad that dh and my plans for a night of fun for no reason at all are now cancelled. I am starting to feel (ha ha "starting" to feel..) like this is not going to happen.  I may as well give up.  It always happens when you stop trying, right?   Blah.

Thank you to my wonderful understanding friends.  I just needed to get that out.  I promise to find my super happy positive words by tomorrow.  :)

Me: 40 Dh: 41, TTC since August 2009, began Acupuncture and Herbs Sept 2011, began Temping and Charting Nov 2011. image
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Re: Wow how TTC has changed me for the bitter... yes I said bitter.

  • brooklynesquebrooklynesque member
    Sorry it looks like AF is on her way.  :-(  Hang in there.  Hopefully things look better today.
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  • winidpuwinidpu
    I totally get what you are feeling. I am right there with you. I am cramping and spotting and that means my 3rd and final IUI was a bust. Now I have to decide if we should move onto IVF. IF sucks! Why why why??? Vent over. So sorry you are having a crappy day but I do understand. Hang in there.
    TTC #1 since 2/10 Me 38 FSH 12.9 & AMH 0.16 DH 47, low sperm count due to meds. 07/11 We have sperm! 28 million, 70% motility, morphology 1% normal. 08/14/11 1st IUI unmedicated BFN. 09/11/11 2nd IUI w/ Femara + trigger BFN 10/14/11 trigger & Final IUI 10/16/11 BFN 10/21/11 Started acupuncture and loving it! 01/21 ET one embryo 6 cell grade C. Beta 02/02. BFN. Taking a much needed break. image
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  • LlamamamaLlamamama member
    imagehijoi:

    That sucks.  I am really sorry. Wish this was real:

    image

    I love this!  Thank you.  :)

    Me: 40 Dh: 41, TTC since August 2009, began Acupuncture and Herbs Sept 2011, began Temping and Charting Nov 2011. image
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  • steverstever member
    imagehijoi:

    That sucks.  I am really sorry. Wish this was real:

    image

    This and hugs.

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  • shyntrueshyntrue
    ((Hugs))  I hope it gets better!
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  • happywifemomofonehappywifemomofone member
    Yes.......I know how you feel.  Why cann't I be one of the lucky women who gets a BFP in 2 months instead of 2 years-and still trying.  I am terrified that my Beta tomorrow will be negative (although I had a ton of promising hope just a couple days ago).  Luckily for me there is not yet sign of AF-does that mean I should be hopeful or not?  DH asking when I am going to POAS-and for the first time in my life I am afraid to do so!!  Not sure where I am on this journey if the outcome is a BFN-might be the end of the line for me.......but I'm refusing to think about that too much, because I am still hoping for the BFP.  I haven't even been lurking on PG after 35 or the birth month boards-as I have no idea if I'll ever be able to join those boards.  I can be bitter-but fortunately.......I have been able to stay away from bitter all day everyday (but could see how that could be in my future)  Glad I have the ladies here who understand the mess of emotions that IF evokes........wonder what women did to survive IF before the internet was available?
    TTC since 10/09 Me-43 DH-44 RE and testing 10/10-11/10, Recommending IVF 1/11 New RE AMA and DOR-DH low motility IVF #1.1 cancelled 3/11 due to poor response IVF #1.2 May 2011, one perfect 8-cell embryo, 3dt-BFN, IVF #2.1 Converted to IUI d/t poor response. New RE 9/2011. IVF 2.2 completed using HGH,EPP,DHEA, Q-10 and accupuncture. Transferred one 8-cell, grade one embryo on 10/19. BFP 10/31/11 Chemical pregancy on 11/2/11. Started stims for IVF #3, our final try, on 12-2-11. ET on 12/18. Transferred 3 Grade A embryos-BFFN Planning DE IVF, late March/early April- Donors ER expected to be 4/2-4/4. PAIF/SAIF welcome
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  • LlamamamaLlamamama member

    imagehappywifemomofone:
    Yes.......I know how you feel.  Why cann't I be one of the lucky women who gets a BFP in 2 months instead of 2 years-and still trying.  I am terrified that my Beta tomorrow will be negative (although I had a ton of promising hope just a couple days ago).  Luckily for me there is not yet sign of AF-does that mean I should be hopeful or not?  DH asking when I am going to POAS-and for the first time in my life I am afraid to do so!!  Not sure where I am on this journey if the outcome is a BFN-might be the end of the line for me.......but I'm refusing to think about that too much, because I am still hoping for the BFP.  I haven't even been lurking on PG after 35 or the birth month boards-as I have no idea if I'll ever be able to join those boards.  I can be bitter-but fortunately.......I have been able to stay away from bitter all day everyday (but could see how that could be in my future)  Glad I have the ladies here who understand the mess of emotions that IF evokes........wonder what women did to survive IF before the internet was available?

     

    Good luck tomorrow!   Fingers crossed you will get some good news!  :)

    Me: 40 Dh: 41, TTC since August 2009, began Acupuncture and Herbs Sept 2011, began Temping and Charting Nov 2011. image
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  • njpabzynjpabzy member

    I am really sorry that you were having a difficult day. I am hoping that today has been better and AF has stayed away.

    M-43 DOR (FSH 20 AMH 0.16, AFC 4-6) Endo stage III DH-42 (low everything)
    TTC #1 unofficially since 6/09, officially since 10/10
    6/11 RE testing,rt tube blocked with hydro, 8/11 lap surgery rt tl
    IVF#1 10/11 Estrace,450 Follistim, 15 units low-dose HCG, DHEA - cancelled (only follie growing)
    IVF#2 started stims 11/4/11 - same protocol, increase in concentration of HCG, added CoQ10, no response, cancelled on CD 12
    12/2/11 began accupuncture; Break in Dec. Next cycle anticipated in Jan.
    PAIF/SAIF Welcome
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