Newly pregnant, recently single, depressed.....

Hi everyone, 

I'm glad I found this forum because right now I don't know of anyone who understands. I'm almost 30 and have been dating a man who just turned 40. I met him just as I was getting my second degree and starting my second career (which has been going really well thankfully!). We both worked in the same place though in different departments so we didn't see each other on a daily basis. Recently, I found out that he had been sleeping with his exgf though at first he denied it...then he said it was a simple get together to catch up. This was all a lie because the truth was that they were sleeping with each other even when we met over a year ago.

I then found out that he'd been dating a girl who works with him directly. I knew he wasn't the kind of person I wanted to be with. Unfortunately, just as I was going to break up with him I found out that I was pregnant. So as painful as it was I broke both news to him. He didn't seem phased by the other women. He said that he'd ended things last month with her and that he was a single man and he was allowed to date. This was a shock to me but I suppose we'd never sat down and directly labeled us as exclusive. I however, had been faithful to him the entire time and offlimits to everyone. So it hurt regardless. When I told him about the baby news he seemed surprised but happy and he smiled the entire time. I was shocked by his reaction. There I was crying and he was smiling. He asked me why i was crying and if he should be upset or sad as well. He laughed and said "I thought you had a brain tumor! So now lets go eat and we'll talk about this over dinner". He seemed very rational during the conversation that ensued. He had wanted to talk about our relationship to begin with prior to me breaking the news. He wanted to decide whether to continue after a year but to give it a true chance and be exclusive or to end it. THen he said that we'd wait for my first doctor's appointment to see what to do regarding the baby.

24 hours later he called me and changed his mind. I suppose he'd worked with the girl he was dating (he'd never stopped dating her btw because someone passed this information my way) and had a change of heart. He now wanted us to decide on our relationship first and if we didnt stay together he wanted us to consider an abortion but that if I kept it we would do it as a couple. I told him I was against it... that if he had feelings for someone else he needed to go with them rather than forcing our relationship to work. I also didn't want to be 9 months pregnant and sitting next to him (he was already unaffectionate) knowing he was thinking of being (or with) someone else. I would much rather have it ended amicably right then and there. He refused, said we'd decide in a week. We got together one time, spent part of it with his family... then we went out to a show. He was slightly cold, very pensive, unaffectionate. I knew where his heart was. My birthday was the next day and he texted me happy birthday. That was it. He'd used the excuse that a show we went to earlier in the month was my gift. However, he had purchased that months ago and even told me that he hadn't been sure of whether he had wanted to take me to it. I had even previously asked him to do something that day and he said he was busy... until a few days later he emailed me with the tickets and changed his mind. This was NOT something he had purposely intended for me and I know he labeled it my "gift" just so that he wouldn't feel like jerk I suppose. I spent my birthday with a close friend even though I was sad the entire time. I'd found out that it had been the other girl's birthday earlier that month and that he had taken her out to one of the nicest restaurants in the area and even gotten her flowers. I would have been incredibly happy with him pulling a weed out of his backyard and writing me a happy birthday note on a napkin....all simply because he did it specifically for me. Its not about a gift but about knowing that he had me in mind thats all. However, his text at the end of the day asking me how my birthday went only served to put me to tears. There I was hormonal, pregnant, sad and feeling lonelier than ever even though I know that all of my friends are there supporting me. The truth it that the ones that are pregnant have husbands to support them and the ones that aren't say they'll be there (they've even been kind enough to take me out to dinner and drag me out of my apartment) but in the long run I'll be the one going through all of the tough moments in pregnancy by myself. 

Two nights ago he called me and asked to have dinner the next day. He wanted to do it as soon as he got out of work. Something inside of me told me that he had only come to the same conclusion that I had. So I told him that there was no need to rehash the same conversation we'd had last week and that I doubted that anything had changed. He said he thought I was right but that we needed to talk. Of course this was most likely regarding the baby. I told him I would talk to him about the baby after my beta test but as far as our relationship went it was over and I had nothing else to say to him regarding that. I refused to humiliate myself one last time by sitting in front of him, being kind, patient and understanding while he told me what I already knew: that he had feelings for this other person. I told him not to contact me but that I would if necessary depending on the results of the beta test. 

 I know I need to eat.. I've done it every day, several times a day, I never forget my vitamins. But since the breakup I just can't get myself out of bed and I have to force myself to shove something-anything- down my throat. I had to tell my family and they all have been crying and upset. Up until this point I have done everything like any daughter should and I'm disappointed them all completely. They're scared and upset because they live 4 hours away from me and they don't want me to go through this alone. They're worried that l might need help at some point and won't be able to get it if I'm living in my apartment alone. I get pressured from certain sides to reconsider having it as well. Its just a huge mess... and I want to close my eyes and end this all. But I can't.