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Single Parents
my story
I am twenty five years old and I have a 16 month old daughter. Her father and i were together for almost two years when I found out I was pregnant (I was on the patch). I cried hysterically when I saw the positive because I was afraid I was not ready, that he was going to think I got pregnant on purpose, and my family would freak out. He ended up being so excited I was pregnant, my mom was mad but got over it fast, and the rest of my family seemed very happy about me being a mom. During my pregnancy, there were signs that Her dad had a drinking problem but we were figuring it out. Finally a couple months after she was born, it was not a question anymore. He went out with his friends, took MY car without asking, and was supposed to only get two beers and come back by 11pm. I was in bed by 10pm but woke up at 1am for some reason and he still was not home. So I checked our bank account to see if he checked out or not yet, to see if I should call him or wait a little longer to see if he came home. He spent almost 100 dollars there. I almost cried right then and there because that was our food shopping money, and her formula money. I called him and he was obliterated. He came home and tried to pick a fight but I ignored him. At 7am when she woke up for her bottle, I fed her, got her dressed and ready. I put her in the car seat and slammed him with my elbow since he was passed out. i told him I was ready to talk then, and I am pretty sure he was still drunk. I told him that if he wanted to be apart of my daughter and my life, that was the last night he would ever drink. He told me I was crazy and I could not tell him what to do. So I walked out with my daughter and an overnight bag and went to my mom's. I did not tell anyone what happened except for his mother (who was beyond furious). He texted me at one point asking me what I was up to. I told him if he was not going to stop drinking, he better pack up his stuff and get out of the apartment. after a couple of days of arguing about it, he finally got my point and stopped drinking. He stopped drinking for 8 months, then started having anxiety and his doctor put him on a medication that his mother reacted badly to. He ended up acting like bugs were crawling all over him and one night got into a fight with me for no reason and ran to the kitchen floor and rocked back and forth saying he wanted to stab a knife in his arm to make "it all stop". He then ran out of the house and came back around 3 am (did not drink...just had a "freak out"). He got put on another medication after that, which he took incorrectly and ended up taking off to Hawaii and emptied my bank account, started drinking again and went through some severe highs and lows. That was in february...since then he has been going back and forth with the drinking and not drinking, wanting to be apart of the family and not wanting to be. The yoyo has been extremely hard. Finally, in July, he decided to take himself off all meds and has not had a "freak out" since. He also made the decision almost two months ago to not drink anymore.
So here is where I have no idea what to do. My family hates him. I hate him, but still love him. Since being off the meds, he sounds like who he was before all this bullshit started happening. He really wants us to get back together and we have been "dating" so to speak. He wants to go to counseling and started paying off some of our debt that is really my responsibility to pay. He says its hard for him to be patient waiting on the side lines but wants everything to be at my pace and comfort level.
I have been wary, but now find myself wanting to give him another chance. Am I stupid to do so????
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Re: my story
I agree with Becca.
My ex was like this also...stole money from me to buy alcohol, drugs and cigarettes to the point where I couldn't buy formula and diapers from DD. I told his father what he had done and he loaned me money to get the items but I had to pay him back. I kicked ex out when DD was 5-ish months old and haven't looked back.
Agree with pp.
Simply based on what you wrote, it seems he has several issues going on here. Possibly bipolar disorder and alcohol addiction to name a couple. (Disclaimer: I am not a doctor. XH was diagnosed as having a dual diagnosis of being psychologically dependent on alcohol and being bipolar, therefore, I have read alot of literature on the topic and the situations you described are those that manic people experience).
XH would buy things on our credit card and then return the items and take the cash in order to buy alcohol so I wouldn't know. I scrimped and saved over $15K and put it into savings. He blew through it all and then some and I am just now getting back on my feet financially because of the carnage he leaves in his path.
Right now, he is controlling you. He is being nice because he has to be. It's a cycle. I can tell you that not only is my life a BAZILLION times better now that XH left me (I really don't know if I would have left on my own, so I understand where you're at), but I'm able to life my life, control my finances, and most importantly, raise DS in a loving, healthy home. Unless he gets help on his own, without it being an ultimatum, the situation will get worse, and you and LO will go down with the ship.
PM me if you want to talk off the boards.
Thanks Ladies. I just want to say, I am not back with him. I am just back in contact with him. He wants to be back together but I have not brought it to that. I told him he needs to prove it long term and I am making that happen. I told him he needed to be sober and incident free for at least a year before we could even consider really working it out. I do not even know if I want to to be completely honest. In some ways it would be so much better...the dream world of he is magically better and things are perfect, but I know that is not realistic. I only let him see her once every couple of weeks or so because I do not want her to get to know him if he is just going to bail on her. I am protecting her and myself, but maybe not myself as much because I am allowing myself to hope a little that maybe he can prove me wrong this time. He is starting to pay for her and pay off some of our debt that he created without me asking. I do not trust him whatsoever, but he sounds so good its hard to not believe that he means it. However, that is why I made so many guidelines and expectations, so I do not just get sucked back in completely. Though reality checks such as these are what is going to keep me waiting him out so thank you. He also agreed to agree to my terms of visitation...which is supervised visitation for at least a year and he loses that right if he starts to drink again. He also has to show proof that he is going to meetings and stuff....well see if he still agrees to that when we get to court, but in his words he said "I dont ever want to drink again in my life so I would be stupid not to agree to that, because its whats best for our daughter."
On a side note, do not think I am a stupid person, putting my daughter in dnager or not thinking about what is best for her. I am keeping limited contact and did not let him see her for MONTHS, until he started not drinking and even then I waited until he was not drinking for two months before letting him see her. And again, I keep that contact very limited and I am ALWAYS there. I do not want her to know him as her father or see him on a regular basis until I feel like he has actually shown he can push past this and become the man he used to be again.
First off, no one thinks you're a stupid person! Many of us have been where you are now.
Secondly, you seem to get that his words mean nothing unless he proves them with his actions. That is so important, because to me, it says that you are in touch with reality and he hasn't sucked you in completely. XH had me believing everything out of his mouth, and I never saw true reality until much, much later.
Finally, good for you for seeking legal assistance in terms of support and a visitation schedule. You've got a good head on your shoulders and are taking all the right steps.
Good luck!
He just finally secured a job, so he was going to start paying child support even without a court order, but I decided that for the next few checks he gets that it should go to a serious bill we have that needs to be paid or my credit will plummet. I was surprised when he did not argue because him paying it means that he won't have any spare money. He also agreed that the payments do not count as child support for the month and a half that he will be paying for them. We have a court date pending and he is agreeing to all the terms I set and is not even getting a lawyer for it. I don't know. He seems like he trying to repay for all his wrongs, and I believe him that he means it. I just do not trust that it will sustain. I hope for our daughter's sake that it does because even if we never get back to being together, I want my daughter to have her father..the good father he was for the first 8 months or so of her life for the rest of her life.
Thanks for listening...it actually feels really good to talk about it..