Mother/Child bond...being over protective?

Chuck1906 · October 2011

I am a first time dad and a lot of what I have or am experiencing is all brand new to me. Coming on this site and posting and chatting in this forum has helped me out tremendously!

With that said, I am starting to have some concerns about my GF. She is not sleeping (resting), not eating much either. She lost about 10 pounds in a week and although she WANTS to lose that baby weight, I am concerned if she is doing this because she is over protective of our son. She told me the first weekend home from the hospital that she will never let him out of her sight and she will go wherever he goes! That really bothered me because even though this is my first child, I was a father figure to my 2 little nephews now 9 and 12 and to this day they respect me for being there for them. Her comment made it seem like I wasn't capable of being alone with our LO to have some Father/Son bonding. Now seeing how fussy he can get, I appreciate her being there because he seems to quiet down quickly when she picks him up. Side Note: I need to stuff something soft under my shirt because he seems to like laying on boobs! My chest is to hard for him it seems! LOL!

I work crazy hours so I can't be home to help out with the LO during the week but when the weekend comes I am 100% there for them both. I told her that my mother and other family members as well as some of her family and friends have offered to watch our LO for a few hours a day so she can catch up on some sleep or eat a meal or just relax and she won't take anybody up on that. Even on the weekends when I am there and my turn to watch him, the most she will do is take a shower and get cleaned up. All these people have kids or have had them and know what to do in terms of feeding, burping, playing with them etc. I get the whole mother/child bond thing but is she being too over protective of him by trying to be "Super Woman" by doing so much that she isn't resting or eating like she should?

She keeps telling me that he won't allow her to eat or get dressed which sometimes I believe her because when she walks out of the room he starts crying (if he is awake). Now when he is napping, I constantly tell her this is the time you need to eat or get some rest or shower and then she says she can't almost as if he makes any kind of noise or baby sound she has to jump to attention and run over to him. Its not like she is a first time mom either because she has a teenage daughter from a previous relationship.

I just think she needs to schedule more "ME" (for her) time during the week and when people (family or close friends) offer to come over and help out with watching him so she can have that "ME" time, she should take them up on it but what do I know, I am a PROUD first time dad I do know that much!!

Jelliebean1982 · October 2011

Take him. I think the best place to start is right after he's fed (if she's BFing). Then you know you have some time to play with him and can put him down for a nap. Also, I know I always want DH to take the baby during dinner so I can eat a hot meal. That's probably when I'm most appreciative. I think the more she sees that the baby likes you the more she'll relax.

XSailoretteX · October 2011

My first reaction is to say that she will start to relax with time, but I have to wonder if her behavior is starting to cross over into postpartum anxiety territory. The problem with anxiety is that it feeds on itself. You don't sleep because you're worried, then you're frazzled because you haven't slept well and you worry more. Or you don't eat because you're worried, then you start obsessing about how you should be eating, which isn't very conducive to eating.

There are some things that she can do to help herself, like making herself leave the baby with you. It really is hard for every mother. I'm not suffering from any real postpartum depression or anxiety and even I really could not relax the first couple of times I left DS with my husband. And don't take it personally. My husband is an absolutely amazing father and it still took a real effort for me to be okay leaving him with the baby.

Seriously push the issue of letting you watch the baby while she, say, runs to the store. If she won't do it, really talk about why she is so worried and what you both could do to help. The idea of doing the things that make her nervous is going to be REALLY scary for her, but she needs to do them to really learn that she can and everyone will still be okay.

If that doesn't help though, talk to her about having a discussion with her doctor.

lanbob · October 2011

We have a 14 & 11 year old and a 7 week old so the baby thing is all new to us again. I also have a hard time handing baby over to anyone else even MIL who has lived with us for 11 years. Its not me trying to mean or untrusting I just want to take care of baby and bond. I have returned to work this week and it has been hard how ever it has got easier to let others spend time w/ Lil Man.

Just try to let her know you are concerned about her health. Then remind her that she also needs to be healthy to take care of LO and stress is not going to help her take care of LO either. Give her time she will find her routine and it will get easier for her. GL and congrats on you new bundle of joy.

boxergurl · October 2011

XSailoretteX:

My first reaction is to say that she will start to relax with time, but I have to wonder if her behavior is starting to cross over into postpartum anxiety territory.

That was my thought as well.

SMJ1106 · October 2011

I can see myself in some of the things you are saying... Somedays I don't take a shower before DH comes home and barely eat anything. I spend so much time worrying about getting the laundry done, washing dishes, vaccumming, etc.. that by the time she wakes up I haven't taken care of myself. I am working on this, though.

Tonight will be the first night we are leaving DD with DH's mom so that we can go out to dinner. I didn't want to go to dinner and a movie just yet because I felt we would be gone for too long and I would have to pump... so I agreed to just dinner (baby steps). I am looking forward to some alone time with DH and know that any of my anxiety is normal new mommy worrying but that our DD will be just fine.

I would suggest that you take you LO from your GF for a little bit of time each night and don't let her take him right away if he gets fussy. Your GF needs to see that you can handle it on your own. If you don't know how to calm him down then ask her what you should do... but you do it-not her! Then maybe in a week or two (after she sees that things will be fine without her for a little bit) "let" her to get out of the house for just an hour or two (maybe a manicure, just grocery shopping, anything).

I wouldn't push letting your family (even though they've had babies) watch DS quite yet. I am okay with my MIL but cannot imagine anyone else watching DD at this point. That is something that might take a bit more time.

katiewhompus · October 2011

Your gf sounds a lot like me. It's not that I don't trust others to watch her but more that I needed to be constantly with her. For 10 months she was only mine and her care/growth was my sole responsibility. I was the one who dealt with pregnancy, diabetes, painful labor and recovery and I needed to have my baby close as a reminder that it was all worth it. The first time I left DD alone was at 7 weeks when I went to work (or showering and stuff) and it sucked.

The biggest thing for me was that H gave me my space that first month. He would bring me food and drinks and take DD when I would doze off. Otherwise he just let me be with her.

Also the first time I let H comfort DD was torture. It was like every motherly instinct/hormone was demanding I take over so I had to leave the room even though that was already 2 months.

amyc216 · October 2011

I can relate to some of this. If she is like me, she may be a little of a "control freak" and does want to do it all. By others offering help, she may feel like they think she is incapable of doing it on her own and will set out to prove everybody wrong. Offer your help with either the baby or stuff around the house, but I wouldn't suggest other people come unless she asks for it. I wouldn't worry about the weight loss if she is BF'ing (it does seem to fall right off), but there is time in the day to sneak in a shower or a meal. Just let her know that you are there for her and the baby and so are family and friends if needed. Good luck!

shmoop13 · October 2011

Hiya!

My son is going on 4 weeks old and I can relate to what ur lady is going through. Me and my husband tryed to get pregnant for 2 years and I had 3 miscarriages so Im very protective of my son. The weight lose thing believe it or not I went from 217 to 155 in less then 2 weeks my dr said nothing about the weight lose so I mean every one loses differently. Again my son is going on 4 weeks old and I still don't eat my apatite just seemed to disappear once I had my son. As far as her not wanting him out of her site I personally think thats normal because as Im witting this to u my husband is sitting out in the living with my son (who is sleeping) and Im having a panic attack because I can't see him. I spend little time by myself. (which Im fine with I enjoy being a mommy) But if u do suspect ur lady may have pp incourage her to speak with her dr before it gets out of hand. It doesnt seem like that to me because she sounds like me but I don't know her personally and Im not a dr. But dont be offended if she seems to not trust u right now shes being a mama bear and shes gonna be protective its nature nothing any one can do about it. Just make sure u offer ur help even when she says she doesnt need it sometimes just knowing that u have her back is enough to make her at ease. My husband works all the time but when the weekend comes he offers to wake up and take care of our son even though I take his offer I still follow him around the house as he feeds changes and plays with the baby. and I 100% trust him in everything he does I just feel the need to be there. I hope this helps good luck with every thing!! and congrats on the new baby!

suncherie · October 2011

She needs to learn that babies simply cry...that's what they do. If she knows he's burped, changed, and fed, letting him fuss for a few minutes won't do any harm. It took me a while to get this because you can feel bad or guilty if your baby is crying. The first month or so every time my baby cried or fussed I would end up rocking her to sleep and/or nursing her which can wear on a person if done constantly. I would recommend the 3 books I read to her: Dr. Ferber's book on sleep , The Baby Whisperer, and Baby Wise. You don't have to follow everything to a "T" from the books....I just combined what all of them said and started doing things that work for my family. Anyway.....good luck...p.s. I love my husband and he is very capable, but I'm not ready to leave my baby with him for any amount of time

katiewhompus · October 2011

amyc216:
I can relate to some of this. If she is like me, she may be a little of a "control freak" and does want to do it all. By others offering help, she may feel like they think she is incapable of doing it on her own and will set out to prove everybody wrong. Offer your help with either the baby or stuff around the house, but I wouldn't suggest other people come unless she asks for it. I wouldn't worry about the weight loss if she is BF'ing (it does seem to fall right off), but there is time in the day to sneak in a shower or a meal. Just let her know that you are there for her and the baby and so are family and friends if needed. Good luck!

Good points. I asked H how I was the first few weeks and he laughed and said "You were a protective lionness who was ready to eat anyone who looked at K". He would always say "Quit hogging the baby" in a joking manner and take her for a bit, or say he needed baby cuddles. I would then use that time to nap/clean/eat without feeling like I was "making" him take care of the baby.

I was curious about my weight and did several weigh ins throughout the first month. The birth process itself took away 10 pounds, by her 1 week visit I was down 20, and at 3 months I have 2 pounds to go until my pre-pregnancy weight. Just keep offering her food and she'll be ok.

cottonlily84 · October 2011

Everyone parents differently. I personally get tired of people calling and texting and coming over to tell they can watch LO while we got out to dinner or take a nap or spend the night with them (yeah right!). Maybe I'll get to the point where going out is welcoming but right now I'm enjoying being DD's main provider and spending all my time with her. I don't know how old your LO is but mine is 4 weeks and I don't think anyone can parent her the way I can. That's just that. I trust DH with her and don't mind him watching her alone but I'm her mother. I know what I want for her; therefore, I naturally and automatically give it to her. Neighbors and grandmothers and friends just can't offer that. Also, I'm going back to work in a month and want to spend every second I can with her before then. Those people offering to "help" appear to me as stealing my baby time!

I don't agree with running to baby at every noise they make but wanting to spend time with your child doesn't make you overprotective. I didn't have a kid so that my SIL could watch her while I nap and shower and eat and go out with friends or whatever. Remember we are capable of doing two things at once - complaining about having no time to eat because of the baby but still prefering to be with the baby. I wouldn't worry about her weight either unless it drops below a healthy range. Losing the baby weight certainly isn't a concern.

katie4253 · October 2011

XSailoretteX:
My first reaction is to say that she will start to relax with time, but I have to wonder if her behavior is starting to cross over into postpartum anxiety territory. The problem with anxiety is that it feeds on itself. You don't sleep because you're worried, then you're frazzled because you haven't slept well and you worry more. Or you don't eat because you're worried, then you start obsessing about how you should be eating, which isn't very conducive to eating.
There are some things that she can do to help herself, like making herself leave the baby with you. It really is hard for every mother. I'm not suffering from any real postpartum depression or anxiety and even I really could not relax the first couple of times I left DS with my husband. And don't take it personally. My husband is an absolutely amazing father and it still took a real effort for me to be okay leaving him with the baby.
Seriously push the issue of letting you watch the baby while she, say, runs to the store. If she won't do it, really talk about why she is so worried and what you both could do to help. The idea of doing the things that make her nervous is going to be REALLY scary for her, but she needs to do them to really learn that she can and everyone will still be okay.
If that doesn't help though, talk to her about having a discussion with her doctor.

This. And if she refuses to tell the doctor, I think I'd tell the doctor.

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Mother/Child bond...being over protective?

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