Feel wishy washy, are these feelings normal?
Oh grr. BM is acting up again (what's new?) But it's how I feel about everything that really has me frustrated. Because I can't figure out how I feel about the whole thing.
On one hand I'm getting to the point where I don't want anything to do with SS(13) or SD(11). This is impossible because SS lives with us (same BM for both). I know that this feeling is mostly because of the actions of BM, but the SK's go right along with it.
On the other hand, with SD, I see a lot of growth. I have my very proud moments, and my "mamma bear" moments.
I hate not feeling like I can relax in my own home. Newest issue: Last night SS is on Facebook and my phone rings. It was BM's number. She NEVER calls my phone. She always calls DH, but she's been mad and told DH that she would be calling my phone. This is a ploy to tick me off, but I guess she doesn't realize that I know her number and didn't answer. SS leaves a message, but BM is laughing in the background. THEN SD's cell calls mine twice. This NEVER has happened either. Meanwhile, I walk past SS and he asks "what's up?" has never happened. I replied "doing laundry" (I put my phone on silent as soon as the first call came).
Later I find that she was telling him on FB that she was calling me and that he "needed to tell" me to pick up my phone. We have SS's password and save all convo's he has with his mom.
Within this convo he tells BM that I call her names...interesting...she is the one that calls me names. I thought about it for a minute and realized that he was talking about a conversation I had over the phone with a friend about someone he has never met (my ex S-I-L)!!! So now I can't even have a freakin' conversation without it being "reported" to BM. I talked with SS about this and set him straight about a few things.
The kids now ask questions about how much money DH and I have, how much something cost when we buy things. SS asks who I'm talking to, and what we are talking about. When my phone rings he lunges for it to see who it is. He's started looking at the mail envelopes that come in and asking questions about what they are.
All of this seems small, but put it together with BM's nosy ways, and I'm always walking on eggshells.
I'm getting frustrated in working very hard to have good times with the SK's and then find out that all they do is complain about everything we do with them. That is why I'm getting to the point where I will not buy them things (DH's responsibility), I don't really want to be home when they are there. I feel horrible feeling that way, but doing it the way we have been is just completely stressful.
Re: Feel wishy washy, are these feelings normal?
DH works 2nd shift, so most of this happens when he is at work. I tell him what goes on. I try to make sure I'm very truthful in what I say to the kids, even if it isn't maybe the best I could have done. He does talk to them either over the phone or in person. Some stuff we just don't reply to like SD saying "Oh you must have spent a lot on that" about the baby's room. We know it's her mother telling her to snoop. I usually say "It's none of your business"
BM tells DH that I lie to him about what I say to the kids, etc. She's trying to drive a wedge between him and I and we know, so we don't let her play that game.
It's normal not to be madly in love with your kids/skids 100% of the time.
As to the whole eavesdropping & reporting to BM thing, I get that being blended puts a different spin on this. But really, you (as a parent/adult/whatever) always want to watch what you say in front of kids. You never know what they're going to overhear and repeat to a friend, teacher, MIL, etc.
My parents, who are still married, would never ever divulge financial information to us kids. Until I was an adult and applying for college financial aid, I had no clue how much money they made. Some families are more or less open about stuff like this, but I think it's totally within the realm of reason to tell them it's not their business.
This. And I am so sorry you feel uncomfortable in your own home. I know what that is like. But I also have to wonder what SS's relationship is truly like with his BM. Is there any possibility that by doing these things, he feels it's a way to get "positive" attention from BM. I am not saying it's right, or excuses the behavior, but is it a possibility? As a child, I did this in reverse to some degree, because I so badly wanted the attention of my SM. (I wanted to make her happy so she would like me more.) I was about 10 at the time. Little different but maybe?
SS's relationship with BM is very dysfunctional. In SS's eyes, BM can do no wrong. Almost. He is starting to see a little bit different since he has been with us, but she pretty much still has words of gold.
BM treats kids as either playmates or slaves. SS has been responsible for taking care of his little brother (technically half and not related to DH at all) since SS was ten. He shared a room with him, got up with him in the night, took all responsibility, etc. BM is mad because with the current CO no child support is paid by either party. BM has used the kids as a tool for the last 10 years against DH. Just a few minutes ago DH called and said that she will "allow" SD to come over tomorrow (saturday) at 4pm. This is supposed to be her weekend here. But she demands to pick up SS Fridays and brings him back late on Sundays.
SS is her tool to snoop on DH and I and then find ways to sit and bad mouth everything we do.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. His actions/attitude is pretty typical. Our guys want to know what is going on, especially when they sense tension between the parents. It's normal to want to know the details of what is going on with your parents. Our guys notice when DH and I are in a tiff about something and it's not quite normal. They ask and want to know why.
I remember when things turned bad with BM for the first time and the boys were questioning me on whether or not I liked her. The best answer that I could give is that I would always appreciate her, not for what she's doing now, but because they came from her. It was tough, because they just wanted us to get along.
Now, your SKs have been in this situation long enough, and are old enough, to understand that you guys are not just all going to get along. They're going to try to play both sides. Our kids do that, too, between DH and I. It does have to be handled and discussed, but be assured your SKs are not doing anything any other kid, BF or not, has tried. Don't take it personally.
The money thing is also normal, as is noticing the mail. Kids are very intuitive, and when you're not divulging stuff or trying to shield them from things that may be happening, they pick up on it. We recently had this happen with a family incident with DH's family. Our oldest overheard enough snippets of conversation to know something was up, and since it was drama-filled and not really regarding anything/anyone he knew, we were trying to keep it quiet. But, since he was on to us, we just ended up telling him. I think it's an issue of respect. Yes, kids do need to learn they can't necessarily know everything, but it's disrespectful to treat them like they're not old enough to know anything.
You should have an open discussion with your SKs. Playing like you don't know who's calling you or why isn't doing any of you any favors, and it's not going to get better unless you're honest also.
Unfortunately that FIRST paragraph could have been written about me when I was young except it was my SM not BM. The hard part is understanding it, because let's face it, it's your life that is being negatively affected and you can clearly see that BM is not treating SS like she should. You are completely justified in how you're feeling, and I do hope SS see things continues to see things differently the longer he is with you and your DH. He's going to need your continued support, which can be hard to give if he continues this. I really believe being a GOOD SP is one of the hardest parental roles. (and this board is full of amazing ones) So, thank you for being one of them.
I am hoping that just keeping in mind that he is probably desperately (and I can't emphasize this word enough) seeking his BM's positive attention, not trying to hurt you, helps you to get through this phase without ruining your relationship with SS. As a kid, it can be a very hard and confusing situation too. What about you and DH sitting down with SS and talking about boundaries and what is expected of him, as well as how it is affecting you and him?