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August 2011 Moms
akoepp
member
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another annoying DH vent....
akoepp
member
Okay ladies, bare with me, I've been holding this in for a while now and this post probably will probably be rather long.
DH is a great man. He's loving, honest, and caring. But lately the man that I fell so madly in love with has been driving me BSC! I don't know if it's the military in him (DH was with the Marines for 5 years before we got stationed here), or the stress of the new baby, but he's become so inconsiderate.
I stay at home with DD all day. The house is clean, dinner is made, and all the crazy errands he asks me to make are all complete. But, that's not enough. DH has been making little comments on how if he was at home all day, the house would be spotless, or I could have gotten more stuff done. ARE YOU SERIOUS?! Not only does this man come home, kick off his boots and throw his camis in the CLEAN living room, he lays down on the couch and grabs the computer. Waits for me to serve him dinner, and leaves his dirty plate on the table and goes back to the couch. Not once does he offer to do the dishes or help clean.
I ask him to give DD a bottle or grab her when she's crying, and you know what he says?!!! "That's your job" or "You don't do anything else, why can't you get her?". I'm sorry that I'm cleaning up after you and awake with DD all night. I figured since it took two to create her, it would take two to raise her.
When I try to make time for myself, like go to the gym or take a drive, he says that I don't need to do that or asks if him and DD can go as well. He always makes comments on how I need to start working out or says how tight my jeans are, yet when I try to do something about it, it's not neccessary. I just don't understand what the HELL is going on.
I used to be so confident and fun. Now I honestly feel so broken down. I'm literally here all day, basically self lothing because I feel like I'm just not good enough anymore. He tells me he loves me, tells me I'm beautiful, and we still have a great connection....when he's not being so cold. I never used to be like this. And honestly, I feel like it's his fault.
I try to talk to him and he gets so defensive. He says that I'm just criticizing him. And honestly, it just feel guilty about bringing it up but YES it is my responsibility as a SAHM to make sure that everything is running smoothly. Am I the only one feeling this way? Any words of encouragement? I just want to be the amazing, confident girl I used to know.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: another annoying DH vent....
Your DH is asking too much of you. You are right, two to create, two to raise. It is not fair that he thinks his job ends when he gets home while yours is 24/7.
My H did the whole house thing to me too. He would make comments of how the house should be cleaner, but if he took DS so I could do something, 10 minutes later he would hand him back because he wouldnt stop crying for him. And then he would be on his comp all night. We are getting divorced and since he moved out 2 months ago my house has been incredibly clean. Imagine that!
He seriously needs to stop because with what he is doing... it is getting really close to abuse. My friends ex-husband did similar things, saying shes beautful, then say she needs to lose weight, then keeping her from doing anything about it. Nornally I would say its just insenitive and he needs a good crack of the head, but your line "I used to be so confident and fun. Now I honestly feel so broken down. I'm literally here all day, basically self lothing because I feel like I'm just not good enough anymore." has me worried that it is more.
Well to put it bluntly....I think he sounds like an @ss! My husband works full time and does everything in his power when he gets home to help out! You need to have a MAJOR talk...and if it would be me the talk would end with a very serious ultimatum!
Good luck
Girl, put on your big girl panties and loose it on this jerk. If I were you I would say, "I just dont get you anymore. You are inconsistent, you say one thing one day and the next its something else. I didnt climb on top of myself and make this baby. We are supposed to be a team. I need help too, you know. Step up and be the dad that you signed up to be."
Yah its not going to be pretty but neither is the situation you are in.
Its HIS JOB to support you with the help you need and be the dad that his baby needs. Being a dad is a 24/7 365 days a year for the rest of his life job.
Military schmilitary...what the man can serve his country but not his wife and baby girl? He needs a reality check. You find your confidence girl because you and that baby girl deserve it.
This. Sounds like he doesn't appreciate anything you do and it worries me that you say you don't feel like yourself anymore. Having a baby is a huge adjustment for everyone and he should be encouraging you to have "me time" and acknowledging all the work you do, not focusing on what you don't do. It also sounds like he didn't think anything in his life would change because you would do all the work! You need to sit him down and tell him what you need from him and how what he says/does makes you feel. If he isn't responsive to that then there are some major problems.
Good luck
Second, I agree with the PP, give him a quick lesson in mommy. I did this with DH. I had him take the reins one night and handle it all. I then had an appt in the morning so DH had DS all morning too. When I got back, he had figured it out - just how exactly time consuming and exhausting being a mom really is. Plus, I didn't give him the option to say no to this, I stood up and said he was doing it and that was that. He didn't have a chance to say no. Lesson learned
BFP #1 EDD 08/07/11 DS born 07/27/11 Welcome Mr. Smiley!
BFP #2 05/28/12 EDD 02/03/13 Natural M/C 07/14/12 10w6d
BFP #3 10/02/12 EDD 06/11/13 Please stick baby! Stick!
I'm sorry momma
I would obviously try again and sit down and talk to him. Expressing in a kind way what you just told us and how hurtful the things he says are. Guys usually don't just get it, we pretty much need to spell it out for them exactly how we feel.
I personally wouldn't just go off on him (at least in my situation because it ends up putting the other person on the defensive). This is normally what I would have done but it doesn't help the situation, only hurt. Talking to him in a calm way after you have collected your thoughts may get through to him more.
How dare he? Seriously. I would ask if he had any effing clue how much work it is to raise a baby, but obviously not. You need to leave him alone with LO for a day and he'll find out really quickly how tough it is. Then make sure he's got dinner cooked, laundry done, the house picked up... He's being beyond ridiculous. I'm so sorry you feel so down. You certainly don't deserve to be treated that way.
I agree with PP about trying to sit down adn explain everything to him about how hard it is on you. I also agree to him playing "mom" for a day where he has to take care of everything to see how much work we do! DH did this one weekend where DS was particularly fussy, and he thought he was going to lose it. I told him, "Now you know why I get to cranky in the evenings!" He was able to understand.
I'm a military wife, too. Have you met anybody through your FRG at all? Sometimes just being able to get out of the house and socialize with other mommies (Or women who aren't mommies) can help you feel a little better about yourself. I also recommend trying to see if you can talk to someone on post about how you are feeling. We have people who are called MFLC's in the Army. They are Military Family Life Consultants. They are free and they are licensed counselors who can meet with you anywhere you like and will talk to you. They will not report anything unless they feel you are in great danger so you don't have to worry about getting your H in trouble with anyone. They can also help you figure out a way to talk to your H or even talk to the both of you together if that's what you choose.
If you need more info or need someone to talk t, please feel free to PM me!
No offense, but your DH is an a$$. If I was ever talked to that way, and I honestly thought that's how DH felt, I'd be second guessing my marriage. I need a partner, not someone to just be there when he feels like it. Military has nothing to do with it. My DH works crazy hours and still comes home to help do whatever I need. In fact, his first words through the door are "hi, tell me what you need me to do". He knows it's exhausting and wants to help out. It was a mutual decision to have the baby, it's a mutual responsibility to take care of it.
I'm sorry that you're feeling this way, and I hope that you can find some common ground and a way to work things out.
You definitely don't deserve to be treated that way. I know you say he's so loving and caring, blah, blah, blah, but he sounds like a total @sshat!! You should go BSC on him the next time he leaves his dirty dishes on the table or tells you it's "your job" to the feed the baby. And don't even get me started on the working out or tight jeans comments...
I can understand why you feel badly and need to vent. That is just unacceptable. You need to tell him that you will not stand to be treated that way.
ETA: Oh, and don't let him blame his job! My DH is in the military, is working 70-80 hour weeks, and does all he can to help out when he gets home.
All of this.
Also, have you talked to him about getting into counseling? His behavior sounds like emotional abuse honestly, and he either needs to straighten up or you need to get out. Do you want your child growing up thinking that's how men treat their wives?
You know what you need to do? One day you need to leave the house a mess, don't run any errands and don't cook dinner. In fact-- make sure you eat dinner before he even comes home. As soon as he opens his mouth to b*tch, tell him you are going to the gym and simply walk out the door as you hand him your daughter. That should teach him.
He needs to man up and take care of his child AND appreciate his wife.
He sounds verbally abusive and like he has no concept of how much you have to do to raise a child. He also sounds immature. He contributed to making this baby so he also needs contribute in raising the baby. That means he needs to take some responsibility for the child at home. He also needs to understand that, just like he needs down time from his job, so do you. For you to get down time, he has to help you get a break.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but it's not going to change unless you have a come to Jesus talk (or several) with him. Maybe having him live a day in your shoes would clue him in.