mad at DH
I had a monitoring appt for my 4th IUI this morning (Upped the Clomid to 100mg. Looks good - lots of follies, one on the left is 22. Is that huge??)
Our clinic is about 45 mins away by subway, so I have to wake up around 6AM to take a shower and get up there by 7:30.
I was hanging out with a friend last night, just relaxing at her place. DH was out drinking with her boyfriend. He kept texting me, saying they were on their way back. I didn't want to walk home alone, so I waited for him. First he was leaving the bar at 10. Then it was 11. When I called him at midnight they had "just gotten a cab". He didn't show up until almost 1AM.
He was lit up when he got there and claimed he didn't remember I had to get up early, even though I reminded him twice yesterday. He got mad that I wanted to go home, so I called a cab for myself. I got angry with him in front of his buddies and I knew he was embarassed that I was calling him out, but I was so pissed, I didn't care. He came home with me, but I went right to bed and I've been ignoring him all day. Of course, he was sound asleep when I left the house early.
Sometimes I feel like I'm doing this all by myself. He doesn't have a clue about when things have to happen. He just shows up when I tell him to.
I spent the day wondering - What's he going to be like if we ever have a baby?
He loves kids and is great with his nieces and nephews, so I always thought he'd be a good dad. But sometimes he's been really selfish and thoughtless during this process, and it makes me worry.
Grrrrr.
Re: mad at DH
I have this same issue with my younger man. There is a certain friend (well, 2 of them) that he goes out with and "forgets" about time in their drinking sprees. EVERY SINGLE TIME. I hate it - he forgets if we have something planned, and he forgets to call me. I've been so peeved that now we have an arrangement that I don't have any expectations of him when he goes out with those friends, and he checks in with me every now and again. It hasn't happened in a while, but last time I was in bed and he called me drunk to come get him from public transit and I said why don't you just spend the night there. It worked out better for both of us.
I know he likes to tie one on every once in a while...so I just try to let it go. But I understand every single bit of your frustration.
If you are worried about him wanting to be a parent, I think you should check in with him about that again. I do that every once in a while and DH assures that he wants that. But I just think it is harder for them to understand how much we go through in this process.
Sorry you had to go through that. I guess I don't have any great advice, but I just identify with this type of situation completely. I thought it had to do with younger guys but my friend's husband who is 40 w/ 2 kids still does it and it pisses her off as well. Boys.
me (36): Hypothyroid (on Levothroid), low vit. d, borderline/high fsh (day 3: between 7-10) (day 10: 13 during CCCT), AFC: 14
dh (31): awesome (minus one sample with agglutination)
Diagnosis:possible DOR and/or unexplained + elevated NK cells + MTHFR (C677T - one copy)
MAY 2011 - FEB 2012 - 3 injectable IUI's with numerous cancellations due to high TSH levels
MAY 2012 - onto IVF/ICSI (Antagonist Protocol) on BCP and Folgard (3 week delay - cyst - boooo) 5/21 start stims 5/30 ER 11R 8M 3F 6/2 3DT of 3 6/12 Beta #1 83 | 6/14 Beta #2 196 | 6/21 Beta #3 3818 | 6/28 Beta #4 22,213 | 7/2 1st U/S - 2 on board! 8/24 CVS reveals that we have a boy AND a girl on board!
Healthy baby boy and girl born in February, 2013 at 38 weeks and 2 days!
I think many of us have felt this way. My DH does selfish or irresponsible things every now and then that make me wonder how committed to having a child he is or what kind of father he'll be. And, he certainly never completely understands what a pain in the a$$ the IF Tx process is because he only deals with maybe one quarter of the appointments, none of the shots or procedures, etc. I think that lack of empathy is very male.
But, when I press him to talk about his feelings after failed cycles, I understand that he is so much more disappointed than he likes to show me. So, I know deep down he longs for a child and I believe he would step up to the plate if we ever get that lucky.
I'm sorry about your bad night. If you need to, check in with him and make sure you're still on the same page. But, don't feel like it's just you. I can relate.
Me: 36, DH: 42
Dx: DOR and MFI
DH: low count + very low motility; hormones all normal; Sperm DNA Frag. test = poor to fair; male karyotyping normal
Me: FSH 13.4 + AMH 0.26 + hypothyroidism; Scratch the hypothyrodism (?); Blood clotting and immune panel all negative; endometrial biopsy normal
IVF #1 (MDLF - Jul/Aug 2011): BFN (9R, 5M, 3F with ICSI, 3dt of 1 10-cell grade 2, no frosties)
IVF #2 (EP-antagonist - Sep/Oct 2011): BFN (6R, 4M, 3F w/ ICSI, 3dt of 1 6-cell, 1 7-cell, grade 4s, no frosties)
DE IVF #1 (shared cycle - June 2012): c/p (6R, 6F w/ICSI, 3dt 1 8-cell grade A- and 1 7-cell grade A-; no frosties)
DE IVF #2 (shared cycle with new donor - Nov/Dec/ 2012): - BFP!!!!! 12/14/12. U/S on 12/27 shows twins!!!!!
SAIFW/PAIFW
I sure am glad that wasn't my hubbie as I was be mad as anything and this girl can hold a grudge forever!!! Or until a nice gift comes my way ( a new pair of Christian Louboutins would probably do the trick) :-)
Sorry you had to go through that and you are totally entitled to be mad. We have all been there
Thanks for letting me vent!
Solar - I totally agree with you that it's an age thing. I try to be patient because I was a party girl when I was his age, so I understand why he wants to go out. And I want him to have his space.
Usually I'm fine with him having a night or two a week where he goes out with the boys, and I don't nag him. It's when he makes me wait around or plan around his drunk nights that I get pissed.
And I know he really wants kids. We talk about it all the time. I just worry that he has no idea how much he's going to have to change if we ever get lucky and have one.
Nice to know I'm not the only one with a clueless dummy sleeping next to her!
I was mad at my DH the other day about taking male vitamins. I have to remind him every day and even then sometimes he doesn't take them, it's like dealing with an 8 year old. The vitamins are not a big deal as he doesn't have any IF issues, but in the big picture where I am taking 30 herb pills and 5 vitamin pills daily plus the monitoring appts, shots, blood work and accupuncture... it doesn't seem like taking a single @#* vitamin is too much to ask!!!
Oops I got carried away on my own vent. In general DH has been great through this ... and I would be pissed like you were for certain. Hang in there!!!