trying to process feelings... (long)

I don't even know how to begin processing what happened. I really don't. I have a million different emotions going through me at every second.

1 - I'm annoyed with DH. I know he's trying to be the "strong" one, but its just coming off as cold. He doesn't seem upset at all about losing this baby. He seems upset for me, and he's been good about hugging me and telling me it'll be okay and all that... but he, himself, doesn't really seem phased by it. Idk if its just that guy thing, that they don't really comprehend the "baby" until its born or in thier arms, so to him maybe its not as much of a loss as it is to me? Thats the only thing I can rationalize to try to understand his lack of emotion.

2 - I don't want to talk about it. I've been ignoring phone calls and texts from the 4 people who know about this pregnancy for 2 days. I know they're worried, I know they just want some kind of response from me, but I don't want to talk, at all. I deactivated my FB because I just don't feel like dealing with anyone. I called out of work for 2 days. The first day I just called my boss hysterical, told her I wouldn't be in and didn't want to talk about it (that was when the bleeding started and I was going in for my u/s). Later that night, (after we found out that we lost the baby) I called and left her a voicemail just saying that I'd be out today but plan to be back next week. She called me about 10 minutes after I got out of my D&E yesterday (not out of the hospital, literally just out of the recovery area)... I knew I shouldnt have answered but I did. I was all doped up and probably sounded a mess. I told her I was in the hospital... I was quiet. She asked about my time sheet and I just told her I didn't know, just put me in for sick days, or don't pay me at all, I didn't care. I know she's going to want an explanation when I get back next week - I'm not sure if I'll give her one.

3 - My cousin and I were due a week apart. For the next 9 months, and the rest of her childs life, I'm always going to think that I should have been just as pregnant as she was. My kid should have been just as old as hers. Going through every milestone that hers will go through. I love her and wish her a happy and healthy pregnancy, but I don't want to be around her. I don't know if I'll evern be able to be around her, or her child.

4 - Part of me just wants to forget. The other part of me wants to remember every second that my little speck was inside me. Its so weird to have both of those feelings at once. I feel like the more I try to honor the memory, the harder it will be to move on. But I know I can't just pretend it never happened. Nothing will ever be the same.

5 - Guilt. Every doctor and nurse has told me its not my fault, theres nothing I did or could have done... this is natures way, etc. But I can't help but feel that in my case it might be different. I had been ignoring an on going medical problem in myself for several months. I finally went to the doctor about after I found out I was pregnant... they gave me medicine that was safe for pregnancy and send me on my way. But what they gave me didn't work (it helped, but the problem is still there, just not as bad) so now I'm going to have to see a specialist to see what it is thats wrong. I just keep thinking that if I would have taken better care of myself months and months ago and went to the doctor and got it taken care of before getting pregnant, maybe I could have had a healthy pregnancy. Maybe this health issue with me is what lead the health issue in the baby. If I would have went to the doctor when it first presented, it could have been treated and cured and I could have a 10 week old baby inside me right now. But instead I was stupid and chose to ignore it. Its my fault.

6 - more guilt. Even though this baby was planned and tried for, at the very beginning of the pregnancy DH and I were going through some things. We talked about terminating the pregnancy because it wasn't the right time. Even as we had the conversation I knew I wouldn't ever do it... but the thought crossed both of our minds. I'm not a religious person by any stretch of the word... but now I'm thinking that if there is some kind of higher power out there, maybe he took my baby away from me because of this. This is my punishment.

7 - Trying again. Part of me wants to wait. I mean, refer to number 6... obviously DH and I both still have some things to work out. We've been in counseling for a month or so now and we're making progress.... but I still don't know that its the "perfect" environment to bring another baby into. On the other hand, I timed my pregnancies perfectly. I know most people don't want to hear this, but thus far, I've been one of those people who could just "decide" to get pregnant, and bam, I was. Both of my pregnancies happened the first month I decided to pay attention to my body. With DD we weren't using protection for about 2 months before hand, but also weren't making any special effort to have lots of sex or time sex around fertile signs. But as soon as I read that EWCM can = fertile... we just did it then and I was pregnant. With this pregnancy, we had been using condoms and the first cycle we decided not to, pregnant.  Anyway, I say this because I wanted a fall baby and then a spring baby. I wanted 2u2, more specifically I wanted them 18 months apart, and had this pregnancy been healthy, they would have been 18 months and 1 week apart. It was exactly how I wanted it. Now, depending how quickly my body gets back into a cycle, I could still go for 2u2... but it won't be my spring baby, they won't be 18 months apart. I know these things arn't that important... but its just hard to accept that things won't be as I planned. Plus I'm scared that I won't get pregnant as quickly or easily again, and I'm scared that something could go wrong again.

8 - DH wants to get me a puppy to cheer me up. That man sure knows the way to my heart. I do love me some puppies! But I don't want to look at this puppy for the rest of its life and think about the circumstances that led us to get him. DH isn't understanding this at all. He insists it will make me feel better. Are men really this dumb?

Sorry that was crazy long... if you read it - thanks. If not, thats okay, it was more for me to process than anything else. Maybe I should blog... but I've tried that before and lasted a few weeks and then just forgot about it. IDK. Has anyone else experienced similar feelings? Please tell me this is normal and it will get better...