How to avoid making this into a big deal with the ILs

emd2887 · October 2011

MIL gave us a cute outfit for LO- something I'm definitely planning on putting the baby in anyways. However, she has made comments to me several times that she expects we'll use that as our take-home outfit. At first I thought I'd do it, but now the more I think about it, I want to pick out something special for LO myself.

However, I think she will be really hurt if we don't use this outfit, and it could potentially turn into a much bigger situation than it ought to be. Originally ILs weren't going to be coming out here for the birth, but now there is a big possibility that they will be, meaning she'll know if we don't use it.

Then, DH's grandmother gave us his great-grandfather's christening gown. Apparently we are supposed to use that as well. While I think it's sweet that she gave it to us, it's from the 1800s, very fragile, and besides that fact that I think it would get ruined from a baby actually wearing it, again, I want to get something special for LO or have the baby wear my christening gown.

Now, to top it off, my SIL bought us a snow suit for the baby "to put over the take-home outfit." My mom and I had just bought a snow suit for the baby, which I think is much warmer than the one SIL picked out (hers is very nice, and we'll probably end up using it more like in Feb/March). But again, the presumption that LO will wear what she picked out.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful for the fact that my ILs have given us these things. I really just want LO's first outfit/christening gown to be things that DH and I have selected special for him/her. But now if we don't use these things, there will be a lot of hurt feelings with my ILs. I think they'll view it as if the things had come from my family, we'd be using them (which is not true- I'd still feel the same way).

Besides the passive-aggressive approach, is there any way to get out of having LO wear these things for those occasions without turning it into a big deal?

EveryNameIWantIsTaken · October 2011

Well, the snow suit issue is easy. Baby should not be in a snow suit while in their car seat, they are too bulky. As far as the other issues, I've found since becoming a parent that sometimes feelings get hurt. It's just the way it is. You can either do what they want, or do what you want, but if they aren't the same thing, someone's feelings will be hurt.

sarakiefer · October 2011

There probably isn't a way to go about it that won't upset them. Having said that, I don't think it's fair that they are expecting you to use these items when they say so. The coming home outfit should be picked out by you and DH. For your MIL to expect that LO comes home in the outfit she picked is rude and pushy, same goes for the other 2. These things are not something they have the right to dictate, imo.

SHUVUU · October 2011

Oy! Why do people insist on giving gifts and then holding people hostage with them? I would just go with your pick and offer no explanation. If they still have the nerve to ask why after the fact, without dwelling on it just say you and your husband chose otherwise. Trying to explain it only makes it more awkward.

chrlyr · October 2011

Could you put the baby in the outfit your MIL bought for pictures in the hospital and then put him in your outfit for leaving the hospital? That seems (at least to me) like a happy medium. It is your baby, after all, and you should be able to do what you want without all of the drama.

PreggoAZ · October 2011

Very good advice We don't have to worry about snow suits here in phoenix, but I am glad to know this because we have a family cabin that we may be taking LO too.

Also you never know baby could poop, vomit, etc all over said going home outfit so you could always take 2.

jenine482 · October 2011

If it was me the next time it comes up just tell her the true, most people appriciate it. Not sure if they will be staying with you while visiting but if not you could be sure to put the outfit on when they come visit.

My friend had this happen with her kids first Halloween, her MIL bought her twins their costums, now that's really crossing the line!!

CamJack mom · October 2011

Bring the baby home in whatever you'd like. If they say something just say "I am so sorry, I found something else." That's that, no real issue. If they make it one, just say "So sorry guys, I got excited, this is my first baby." Seriously, I guess I'm in the minority here because I don't really give a rats butt who's feeling gets hurt.

GoombaGirl_79 · October 2011

Since so many people have insisted on things baby "must" wear home.. I would probably just buy something myself and bring home the baby in that. That way NONE of the relatives gifts get special consideration so no one can say anything about 'playing favourites' etc.

The special gift outfits can be worn at other times, babies need to be changed a lot!

GranolaGirl06 · October 2011

I agree with this. I would just get whatever outfit you want and leave it at that. Don't try to explain your decision, you don't owe them that! If they question why after the fact simply explain you appreciate the outfit and your child will wear it, but you and DH wanted to pick out something special yourselves for such a special moment". Then leave it at that. Don't explain any further and change the subject if they continue to bring it up.

I will say if they are going to be staying with you or around for a few days, at least make sure the baby wears the outfit while they are there. That way they'll see you appreciate it and it will get worn.

MrsT2008 · October 2011

Honestly, it's not your fault that they're being presumptuous about this stuff. I say do what you want and deal with the hurt feelings if/when they happen.

asyph107 · October 2011

I would just be honest with them and say you were so happy with the gifts, but also have had your heart set on picking out these things yourself for a long time.

My Mother is notorious for doing things like that, and my SILs do not stand up to her. I just tell her and MIL that they are very generous and I will be sure to use the items for a special occasion but for say christmas, take home outfits, christening etc I will be picking the clothes. If you are not honest now it will come back to bite you for the rest of your LOs life. My Mom still does it in regards to holiday clothes for my 7 yr old nephew and 2 yr old niece. Since I was honest day one, neither my MIL or mom do this to me.

ETA: spelling

baby3ob · October 2011

eh - you are the mother. i think that's a pretty good excuse no?? you are the mother, you wanted to pick out something special for her to wear yourself, the end.

if my parents or ILs said gave something to us and said that's what it was for, i would just say i already got it.

MesmrEwe · October 2011

If you can return both, now's the time to do it!!! It not only nulls the warranty on the carseat, but has been shown to be very dangerous in an accident because the straps on the carseat cannot get tightened up enough to be safe - it's as though you you were just putting a lap belt on an infant for the safety level it provides.. Your best bet is getting a carseat cover for the winter months with a flap that you can open/close once LO is in the car or use blankets over the top of the carseat.. At least one of the problems you have is easy to fix!!!

The easy way out of the baptism outfit is - just wait until LO is a month or more old and the 1800's one won't fit. Most likely the same for yours! Most baptisms occurred the first weekend after LO's were born up until recently. Now people are used to waiting a little longer to have them such that the Mom can heal up and is just simply ready to entertain guests.

As for the take-home outfit, play it by ear, especially if you're not planning to stop anywhere on the way home, you can put baby in whatever. Otherwise if you know she's coming to the hospital or for the "hospital pictures" you could put LO in it then...

sagoon · October 2011

My MIL did this with a bassinet. She asked if I wanted one she had - I said nah, we have a crib and PNP. Later I find out that her bassinet was extremely important to her, her children and grandchildren had all slept in it and she'd had it repainted to match our nursery. So now we have a crib, PNP, and bassinet in our tiny house.

As for the coming home outfits, I'd either simply not use them, as PP have suggested, or say they shrunk in the wash/are too big/simply don't fit for whatever reason. This may even end up being true, as you don't know how big baby will be.

Happily Overwhelmed · October 2011

This exactly!!!

I have several of these issues already too and it's extra annoying since LO isn't even here yet!

Bottom line is people set themselves up for disappointment. It sucks even more that they set us mom's to be up to look like ungrateful people.

If you start pleasing everyone now you'll never please yourself and these situations will just continue. It's your baby...do what you think is best and what you want. They have had their turns with their own children. Be gracious and thank them but make them no promises and don't offer any explaination until they confront you on the issue. When it all comes down to it they are your IL's...DH should be handling confrontation that comes with these pity situations (I say pity...but know where you're coming from. The little stuff shouldn't be so dramatic). Keep focusing on your baby and you and your husband's wishes. It's not selfish at all.

nilly5 · October 2011

This!!

iluvmylab · October 2011

Wow. What a silly thing for people to get hurt feelings over. Put LO in what you want to bring them home. If they don't like, too bad, they'll get over it.

TheDoValle3 · October 2011

First - Isn't it so awesome that you have so many wonderful people in your life who are so excited about this baby, and are buying such sweet gifts for you? I'm not being condescending here, I just think we ALL need to remember to be grateful. There are December Bumpies that are doing this whole baby thing alone, some without family to help and some without a DH or a BF. Some bumpies aren't getting baby showers, or any gifts at all. So it's important to remember how blessed we all are for the things people are willing to give each of us and our LOs.

I think you've done a great job of expressing your gratitude to us and I'm sure you've shown just as much gratitude to your ILs as well. Had it been me, I would have nipped the whole thing in the bud right away. Don't wait until days after they have given you the gift and told you what their expectations are to tell them your honest opinion. That way you aren't getting their hopes up just to build up the issue in your head and "confront them" at another time. When you receive gifts that come with expectations thank the giver RIGHT AWAY for the gift, then explain that you really appreciate them thinking ahead but that you had planned on picking out something really special yourself for the take home/baptism/misc. event outfit. This is what I've been doing and it's really worked. If they walk away thinking I'm being a controlling brat, so be it. I was honest and polite right away.

Since you are already past the point of the initial confrontation, here's what you should do now:

For the coming home outfit, go with whatever you decide for you LO and if ILs say something again thank them for their generosity and tell them you are saving that outfit for another special time and make sure to take pictures and send them when you DO get around to the outfit. If they insist, tell them that it's a really special moment for you and DH and you were really excited to pick something out for your first day home as a family.

For the baptism, this one is unavoidable, thank them so much for being so thoughtful and for making your feel like such a special part of their family by trusting you with an heirloom. Then tell them that you already have a special outfit in mind and would like them to hold onto that outfit for safe keeping. If you tell them you are afraid something will happen to it or whatever, you are just giving them opportunities to protest. Explain that it is really important for you and your DH to find something special together that your LO will always have to keep for his/her own, rather than something that would need to be returned.

For you SIL, I wouldn't say anything. Don't make a big deal about it. If she asks about it, say you have a great snow suit already for the colder months, but that it will be SO perfect for LO come Feb/March weather and yours will be MUCH too warm to use.

Good luck! You DON'T sound ungrateful. As long as you are honest and sensitive to their feelings, you won't be doing anything wrong. You may hurt their feelings, but sometimes that's unavoidable and more their fault than yours.

heuy · October 2011

I like this answer. It's going to be awkward/slightly stressful/anxiety stricken {I'm assuming} for you to have to explain why you don't want to use the clothes. I agree--if they have the nerve to say something afterwards, they're pretty petty.

Maggie-Moo · October 2011

To be honest, I would probably completely ignore it and buy what I want and dress the baby in what you want to. If anyone says anything, you can let them know the outfit was already bought and that you missed the comments about the outfit being the going home outfit. You will have just given brith and I think that should cut you a lot of slack. I agree with other posters that you should try to take a pic of baby in all of the special outfits and make sure to email them to the gifter, to let them know they've been worn. I was worried about forgetting (like I forget everything), so I have taken pics of all of the clothes we have gotten from people and saved them on the computer with the giver's name so I remember what came from who. In general, I think if you don't make a big deal out of it (and by this, I mean don't really bring it up as an issue beforehand), everyone is going to be so busy and excited after the baby is born, I don't think it will be a huge deal.

precbaby3 · October 2011

Definately don't want to hurt their feelings, so if you put the baby in the outfit they got for your while you are still in the hospital(when they are visiting) and maybe take a few pics of baby with them in the outfit they got him, maybe that will ease that situation:)

Going home, if you have a heavy blanket or car seat cover, you will not be needing a snow suit...just if you are going to be out of the carseat walking in/out of places..So if you don't use any she won't be offended, and politely tell them about how sentimental it would be for him to wear your gown...good luck hope this helps

silivren · October 2011

I agree! A gift is a gift.. it should not come with strings or expectations attached. I'm sure everything will be used and loved, why does everyone expect theirs to be the "take home" outfit..

silivren · October 2011

I agree! A gift is a gift.. it should not come with strings or expectations attached. I'm sure everything will be used and loved, why does everyone expect theirs to be the "take home" outfit..

silivren · October 2011

I agree! A gift is a gift.. it should not come with strings or expectations attached. I'm sure everything will be used and loved, why does everyone expect theirs to be the "take home" outfit..

silivren · October 2011

I agree! A gift is a gift.. it should not come with strings or expectations attached. I'm sure everything will be used and loved, why does everyone expect theirs to be the "take home" outfit..

ErinC1984 · October 2011

Youre the parents of the child so what you say goes. What they have given to you is so thoughtful and generous but that does not mean youre obligated to do what they want just so you dont hurt their feelings. I used to say and do everything in order to make my ILs happy but when it wasnt what I felt was right, Id be very disappointed. When it comes to our children and what we want for them, we shouldnt let other peoples feelings and opinions deter us. You can make it very clear how appreciative you are while respecting their wishes, but they also need to respect yours as the parents. If they get upset, then theyll get over it. You dont have to make it a big deal, but if they do then thats on them. Dont let them walk all over you now or it will only get worse. If youre at their house and youre trying to teach your child a certain way that they dont agree with, are you going to be quiet just so you dont hurt their feelings? Its important to set the standard now that youre in charge, what you say goes, and what you want to do with your child(ren) is whats going to happen. May not seem like a big deal now since its just clothes at this point, but you gotta start somewhere!

What you have in mind sounds just as special and sentimental, if not MORE since youre the Mommy!! Good luck! Who knows, maybe nothing will come of it at all *fingers crossed*

MrsT2008 · October 2011

oh please. this has nothing to do with being ungrateful or people not getting showers.

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