To tell, or not to tell....

ALM30324 · October 2011

My hubby and I decided not to tell people we were trying, because we sort of expected it wouldn't come easy. Now all these months later, we were clearly right, but its getting harder and harder to "play dumb" when people ask when we're going to have a baby. Our parents and a few close friends know at this point, but I really don't feel like sharing our trials with everyone who asks. I even feel guilty now when I try to play it off like we're just not ready yet, etc. Part of me thinks we should just come clean with everyone, but I'm convinced I'll be a crying mess in public now (it's bad enough to be that way in private w/ your hubby!)

Anyone else?

mswood1977 · October 2011

We have only told our parents, siblings and close friends that we are trying and really only my MIL knows all the details of our issues. What we usually do when someone ask us about having kids is just say "it will happen when it happens". Most people get the hint and stop asking. Since we are in our mid-30's and haven't been married very long (2 years next June) we don't really get asked all that much.

sushilover0214 · October 2011

After a year of trying, we told a few more people. Not everyone, but a few more trusted friends and family members. Is that something you would be comfortable with?

pantsarella · October 2011

A few close friends know, but that's really it for us. We haven't told our families because neither of them are really supportive of our having kids, unfortunately. Luckily our friends are really supportive.

tayray1 · October 2011

Our family and close friends know. Mostly, because we shouted it from the rooftops when we began trying..I don't think that was a mistake, and our peeps understand not to ask us very many questions..

BabyDreams711 · October 2011

I've been wondering the same thing... No one knows but us. That's one of the reasons I joined this board, so I can vent and ask questions I can't do anywhere else. I still don't want our family to know.. well, I've wanted to tell mine, but then we have to tell his and his sis is PG with her 2nd and my MIL is the town gossip. I don't want them all knowing our business. We have some very close friends who have just had their first and keep asking. I've come "this close" several times to just laying it out there so they stop asking, but I don't want it to make things awkward... This is a hard question, but good luck with your decision!

softbalangel · October 2011

My immediate family and my two best friends know of our MFI, as well as my H's immediate family. But we also had a feeling we would have issues because of a testicular accident my H had when he was younger.

My family, as far as I know, has never had to deal with IF. Therefore, the majority of them are clueless as to what it entails and how the things they say can be hurtful to someone dealing with IF. As it leaks out that we are dealing with IF, I have had my fair share of unhelpful comments. I just use it as an opportunity to inform them of what it is and how their words can hurt. And some family still just doesn't get it.

TheHensonWedding · October 2011

We were originally very open about our TTTC, but after our first failed IUI, we decided to keep everything just between us. I felt like people were asking us more often because we were open about it and it just gets annoying explaining over and over again, no this didn't work. Then people are all sorry for you, and sensitive around you, which I didn't like. We are moving on to IVF but not telling anyone, not even our families. We don't want people calling us, asking over and over again, did it work?!

ALM30324 · October 2011

"After a year of trying, we told a few more people. Not everyone, but a few more trusted friends and family members. Is that something you would be comfortable with?"

That's actually what we did too. So the parents/in-laws and a few friends know...It wasn't hard to brush off at first, but now that it's been so long, and we want it so bad, I have a hard time coming up with a brush off answer....

Mitzi Bishi · October 2011

We're still on the sly and plan to keep it that way. I don't want to deal with the barrage of questions, unsolicited advice, or opinions on the matter.

It's a little difficult, because we feel IF has stolen so much from us, so we're hoping it can't steal our ability to surprise people with our news.

Now that we're knee deep in this I kind of think people would be dumb not to know, but we always travel and live abroad, so we can kind of use that as an excuse.

Just remember once it's out there there's no taking it back. Make sure you're both really comfortable with it. At this rate I would consider telling people close to me, like friends that I know have faced IF, but this is largely my DH's diagnosis, too and he's really not comfortable with it.

Good luck. Do what you need to. We're all supporting you!

AmandaBoud2011 · October 2011

We hadn't really kept anything a secret(from our families) that we were going to start trying after our wedding in May, but only a few of my close friends and my mom know the extent of what's going on (I don't think DH has talked to anyone about it). I'm actually really glad I talked to my Mom about it because I found out that when she was trying to get pg with me (I'm the oldest) the Dr. put her on BCP's for 3 months. She had also said that when she got pregnant, she said "missed a period" and then got pregnant, which I now know was just a late O, but perfectly timed, I was sized 4 weeks behind her LMP EDD.

Anyway, in telling my Mom it sounded exactly like what I have been going through. I was also really hopeful in talking to her because she told me after she had me everything went back to normal and she became a baby machine (my lil Sis and Bro are 15 months apart)

emmypants · October 2011

The board, 3 online friends and that's it. My family doesn't know about the low moat or anything, but I think my mom knows were having a hard time. But luckily she won't ask.

Lightdrwr · October 2011

For so long, we didn't tell anyone. Now, most of those people closest to us know. However, I think I've decided to start being honest with other people if they ask about it. I will not give them every detail. In fact, we have decided to avoid giving any details to those close to us so they don't know our schedule all of the time. It was weird this month when my sisters both knew when we were going to have our IUI.

My sister-in-law (DH's sister) died a little over a year and a half ago and for 4.5 months while she was sick and after she died, her 3 daughters lived with us half time. (She had just gotten divorced and her ex worked midnights so we have the girls on "her" days.) THEN, their dad moved them over 600 miles away. DH and I were devastated over both losses and I have spent a lot of time in therapy and in a grief support group over the past year and a half learning how to deal with it all.

The reason I bring this up is because one of the biggest things they pushed in the grief support group was that you have to talk about it, to tell people your story, because the more you do, the more real it becomes to you. You become more comfortable with your reality by saying it out loud and it is a step to accepting it and working through it. I saw it time and time in my grief group, we always started the session with everyone telling the group who they lost and how and as the weeks went on, it was easier and easier for everyone to say. Not that people didn't have bad weeks, but it was definitely much easier to say after a couple of months than it was in the first couple of weeks. I told anyone who would listen about what we had been through with my SIL and her girls. It only just recently occurred to me that the same can be true of talking about my infertility. For that reason, I think I will stop being so secretive about it.

LindsayM · October 2011

Lightdrwr:
It only just recently occurred to me that the same can be true of talking about my infertility. For that reason, I think I will stop being so secretive about it.

This.

When we first started TTC, I only told my mom, sister, and a few of my closest friends.

Now that we're over a year and a half into it, I'm pretty much an open book. Keeping everything a secret was really tough for both of us, especially when good friends would ask and I felt that I couldn't be honest with them. Since "coming out," I realize all of the support that we've been missing out on. Our friends and family have been amazing and now we don't worry about all of the "So, when are you having kids?" questions anytime we go to events or gatherings. Everyone pretty much knows that, whenever it works out, they'll eventually hear about it from us, so there's no need to ask questions.

In the beginning, it was weird to talk about (not that we go in to details or anything,) and now it's much more comfortable and normal. It's reality.

Bethany1026 · October 2011

I told everyone even complete strangers LOL...it shut them up for a while. But now that I keep getting BFN's people will ask me how everything is going, and I get hysterical. It helps when I need to vent to someone other than DH...but when people ask me how things are...especially when I am all hormoned up, I get irritated (for no good reason other than the meds) even though I know they just care about me.

DoubleBubble08 · October 2011

Sometimes I just say "we're working on it..." and that seems to be enough.

nino770 · October 2011

When we first had a diagnosis I told my mom and my best friend. Few weeks later my mom was telling people, even though I made it very clear I dont want anyone to know. Everytime she asks me whats new, I tell her we changed our mind and are not ready yet to move forward. Anyway now nobody knows what we are really up to

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