When will I quit being bitter?

mamastich · October 2011

First off, anything was worth having my LO one here safe and happy and shes working every bit of everything.

I had planned on the 'ideal' natural vaginal birth and ended up having to get induced at 41/2 after 30 hrs of labor, 2 failed epidurals I ended up having to get put to sleep during my C and my husband couldnt be in ther room. As soon as I hit week 2 I became angry and bitter with hearing other peoples vaginal birth stories and I feel upset that my vagina wasnt used to what it was intended... its more upsetting than I anticipated. Am I the only one? Anyone else have this feeling pass after awhile?

mamajanna28 · October 2011

I had a cs due to breech presentation. I am 20 weeks pp and still feel cheated out of the birth I had hoped for. I am sure that in time it will not matter as much.

MrsChamp11 · October 2011

I feel the exact same way. I hope the feeling goes away soon. I am still crying about it a few times a week. I go to my ob on Tuesday and I hope to get some closure after talking with her.

RumbleLina · October 2011

I had a similar c-section with 30 hours of labor, 3 hours pushing and a failed epi resulting in a general anasethsia c-section. I am still processing my feelings with how his delivery went down and the fact that I couldn't be there for him when he was sent to the NICU.

What you went through can be traumatic for a woman and it will take much longer than 3 weeks to process your feelings. I am 8 months out and I still feel bitter but I am "ok" with it now. I still do not like to watch or hear anything that involves a vaginal delivery but it is not as bad as it once was.

I do not think it is something you will ever just get over but as time goes on it will get better. If needed, talk to a therapist or counselor and be aware of PPD.

EveryNameIWantIsTaken · October 2011

I feel like my body cheated me. I never planned on going natural, but after 32 hours of labor and my water being broken from the beginning, a c-section was not the ending I was going for. It took me over a year to get over it. I had a really bad reaction to just about everything on the table, vomiting, shakes, in and out of consciousness. Just nothing close to ideal. The resentment will pass, it just takes a long time.

Kissimi21 · October 2011

The best way to get over feeling bad about needing a c-section is to look at your LO, and remind yourself that your LO might not be here if you had a vaginal birth.

I hated my incision. I mean I HATED it and what it represented until I stopped thinking about it as "not being the birth I had imagined" and an ugly scar on my body but as doing what was needed for my LO. We have all given up stuff while pregnant for the good of our babies. I now look at it as I gave up my "ideal birth" for his good too. It's helped me come to terms with what happened and accept that a c-section was the ideal birth for my son, even if it wasn't the ideal birth for me.

flutepharm87 · October 2011

I don't know if I'll ever be OK with having a C-section. Both of the boys were head down and if it weren't for the pre-eclampsia progressing to dangerous heights, I would have been allowed to deliver vaginally. All along, I felt so blessed that I was going to be allowed a vaginal birth so I feel so cheated out of the experience.

And I do feel guilty for feeling like this since the boys are here and healthy. I mean, what more can a mommy ask for?

LTMann · October 2011

I think I will always feel cheated but it's been about a year now and I feel much better than I did even 6 months ago... I still have my moments but much much less. I feel much more at peace with what happened and I guess I have accepted it in some sense. I hope that I will have the opportunity for a vbac with my next child but I also accept the higher chance of a csection again in my case..... (I have a bicornuate uterus with a partial septum...significantly ups my chances of breech).

Something I tell myself everyday is that life is too short to spend time thinking about things I don't have and I need to focus on what I do have.

Mrs.DeliaMarieP · October 2011

I felt the same way for a long time (I had emergency c-section after DS's head was already out and they had to perform a Zavanelli maneuver)

I went in with the attitude of "whatever happens, happens." No plans for anything specific. Ended up requesting the epidural as soon as it was available to me, and just hoped I wouldn't end up with the C-section, which I did.

So ultimately, I know exactly how you feel, except they did not have to put me to sleep.

I am very sorry that you had to be put under, but I promise it will bother you less and less over time. I cannot say it will go away completely. I still have moments here and there where I get jealous of others or sad when I think of my delivery. But in the long run, the realization of how lucky DS and I were that both of us were perfectly okay in the end trumps any of my jealousy or sadness and that's what truly matters. Hold on to that thought and give it time, and you will feel better.

kcvasquez · October 2011

It does fade with time, my c-section was 18 months ago and actually getting pregnant again seems to have helped a little. I will also tell you what helped me (which I did not expect) but hearing other women say how horrible their vaginal deliveries were makes me feel better about my c-section. I did not have a terrible recovery and knowing that some women whose vaginal births were so horrible they wished they would've had a c-section actually helps a lot. Not that I am glad they had a bad birth but knowing that not all vaginal births are ideal and some are even more painful than a c-section makes the bitterness fade a little. I will not however listen to people who had "the perfect birth" it just annoys me.

nosoup4u · October 2011

It took me about a year to stop being really upset about DS1's birth. Having a VBAC with DS2 was a big deal for me, and it went a long way with me being more at peace with DS1's birth.

Obviously I'm happy that my kids are healthy and okay. But in all honesty, I am still annoyed I ended up with a c-section with DS1. The MWs never checked my DS1's position when I was in labor (he was OP and I pushed for 4+ hours with him before having the c-section), and I do still wonder if they could have done more to help me have a vaginal birth with him. He ended up receiving heavy-duty antibiotics, getting a spinal tap, being in the NICU after he was born - all of those things are directly related to him having been born via c-section.

It also made me a VBAC for my next birth - which did raise my risk of complications. Luckily I live somewhere that has multiple providers who support VBAC, but I'm in the minority on that one.

ChiTown Bridget · October 2011

I know what you mean. I am so glad my baby was delivered safely, but I also feel cheated when it comes to how my delivery went. I had an unplanned c section due to hellp syndrome and my ds is almost 1 and I still get sad sometimes when I think of how I had to have a c section. It does get easier though. For me, it was worse maybe the first month or so after he was born.

mamastich · October 2011

ahh the responces made me cry! so much support here, so many people dont understand why we would be upset i mean we have a healthy baby! (which means the world to me) i think being put to sleep was the hardest part... i missed everything. i have a feeling a little therapy will be in order to deal with this one. thank you!!

Mrs.DeliaMarieP · October 2011

mamastich:
ahh the responces made me cry! so much support here, so many people dont understand why we would be upset i mean we have a healthy baby! (which means the world to me) i think being put to sleep was the hardest part... i missed everything. i have a feeling a little therapy will be in order to deal with this one. thank you!!

I think that is a great idea, and will definitely help you move on more quickly than continuing to try to deal with it yourself. I often wish that I had talked to someone then, and sometimes wonder if it wouldn't help to do so now, too.

Best of luck, hope you feel better soon.

ImAnRN · October 2011

In my experience, I thank God everyday for c-sections... If it hadn't been for that experience, my DS would not be alive today. It may not have been my "ideal" birth but that doesn't matter now. It's unpredictable and I found it much easier just going with the flow. I know it's hard but talk with your doc. I'm confident that soon you will see it's not how you delivered your LO will not matter. What is amazing is that you made a miracle happen. C section or not, you're someone's mommy:-)

magdalina.h · October 2011

I still feel cheated from my first c/s

iris427 · October 2011

It took me a while to make peace with my c/s. The first birthday was hard for me. But in time I was able to move on. I will never be happy about how my daughter's birth went but it doesn't upset me like it used to. And it's ok to feel sad or angry or cheated or guilty. It doesn't mean that you are ungrateful for your baby.

It gets better, I promise. Hang in there.

cottonlily84 · October 2011

I'm not bitter because I had a c-section because I know mine was necessary and I was in agreement with the doctor's suggestion to do it. However, I totally feel cheated out of my all natural birth and like me and my body screwed it all up, made me miss the birth I'd been wanting for years and made my LO be in the NICU for a week. On the way back to my room one night it was all I could do not to cry in the hall when I heard a nurse coaching a woman pushing in labor. I have crying moments at least once a day now so I hope the feelings pass too.

momaofthree · October 2011

Wow, sounds like quite the ordeal. My first child was an emergency C. Though I was able to be awake and my husband was allowed in the room, it was very scary. When I was first told that I wasnt going to be able to have a "natural" birth I was sad. And afterwards with dealing with the pain I felt worse. I think as women we think that we have to do things a certain way to be a parent. We are way too hard on ourselves. It was very hard when I couldnt get my son out of the crib due to the incision but I adapted. I think after hearing my sister in law have her baby I feel very blessed. After having my second child as a repeat C I realized its not how the baby comes out that matters plus it was great to know when I was going to see my baby. I am apart of a special club... the C club. My kids are just as healthy as the vag birth kids. I never had to worry about being stretched and torn down there and my kids are just as cute as the kids that were squished and pushed out.

SarahC720 · October 2011

It's been 14 months here and I still have these feelings :-|

girllennon · October 2011

I'm almost 10 months PP and feel cheated, but LO was stubbornly breech for the last trimester and with low amniotic fluid in the final two weeks, I had no other choice. I'm getting better as more time passes, but those feelings resurface anew if I read about or hear about beautiful, spiritual birthing experiences. I wanted that so badly, but didn't get it. I never went into labor, so other people say I 'lucked out' on the pain of labor, while in my heart I still feel cheated that I couldn't do it on my own.

My LO and my body had other plans and FWIW, he is happy, healthy and thriving. I couldn't have asked for a sweeter little boy and my c-section recovery was painful, but I did not have complications, so I am thankful for that.

MeghanF13 · October 2011

This is not an uncommon feeling, and one of the reasons a lot of women attempt VBACs for subsequent pregnancies.

I too had planned a natural delivery, and ended up with a c/s due to fetal distress. However, I never had the cheated feeling because I understood it was best and safest for my baby. I was emotional at the time, because things happened quickly and there was concern about DD"s survival, but once I had her in my arms I realized it didn't really matter how she got here, what mattered is that she was safe and healthy.

I will be attempting a VBAC (or at least that's the plan for now) this time, but that's because I had a rough recovery from my c/s and don't want to go through that again (especially with a toddler at home).

pixy_stix · October 2011

I had no expectations for a natural perfect spiritual birth. I went in and had my baby the way she needed to come out. I was in labor for 30+ hours, and pushed for 2 hours. The only thing I'm bitter about is that the doctor knew from the beginning that my pelvic opening was too small, and that I would probably need to have a c-section. The only thing I can think of is that he was trying to save me from feeling bitter/cheated from my birth experience to let me labor for so long? I don't know.

My advice, don't dwell on what could have been, focus on what is good in the here and now. It's pretty much my motto in life for all situations.

stardust317 · October 2011

My doctor advised me on a csection due to narrow pelvis and pre-eclampsia. Ultimately, it was my decision, but I now feel cheated out of a birth experience i didn't know I wanted until it was over. I think some of my bitter, resentfulness stems from not being able to hold LO until 2-3 hours after she was born. She was having some respiratory complications. I'm hoping that these feelings will pass over time.

kjennnn · October 2011

DS is 22 months, and i'm 18 weeks pregnant with #2 and I still feel cheated-- and I knew a week in advance that I would have a C-section. In addition, the C-section saved my son's life...he was hemmoraging in utero and we had no idea until he was born. If I had a vag. delivery, he wouldn't have likely survived the stress, or the additional time in utero. And knowing all of that, I still have a hard time

It does get better though, but its totally normal to feel this way.

tegss · October 2011

I posted this in similar post from today, but I had a very similar experience to yours. I was also knocked out during my CS, and I am still sad about the whole thing. DS is 2 1/2 and now that I am expecting LO#2 in a couple of months, I am feeling anxious about possibly having the same experience. I have decided to schedule a CS because I think that it was so traumatic that I labored, pushed for a while, and then had to have a CS. After thinking about it for months and talking to my doctor over and over, DH and I decided on a RCS in the hopes that I will actually be awake for the birth of my child and that DH will be allowed in the room with me.

Keep talking about your feelings, and remember that you are not alone. Send me a PM if you want to talk more.

larrysdarling · October 2011

I think it's pretty common to be bitter and upset.

For me it's gotten better over time. I joke about it a lot now, that's my way of coping with it.

If you feel like it's inhibiting your ability to enjoy your experience being a mom, go talk to someone.

Best of luck!

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