"I have to ask the boss"...really DH, really? Long...
Okay so my DH and my SD's BM have her 50/50 everything. They split the week in half switching every other weekend/nights so that they have SD the same amount of days/nights each week. I watch SD for the majority of their work week.
Anyway, it's been getting colder here where we live and every time BM drops SD off she is never in a coat. I understand that the high temp. for the day is going to be 70, but when she drops her off in the morning it's 40ish. It hasn't been an issue so far because she just comes to the door from the car, but it's supposed to snow tonight and winter weather is approaching.
So tonight at SD's dance class DH asks BM if she has gotten SD a winter coat yet. She said no and asks if we did...and we did. BM then says, well she doesn't need two...I don't need to get one if she already has one right? And apparantly DH says, that's fine with me but I need to ask the boss (refering to me...who was the only one not texting on the phone and actually watching SD's class...sorry but that bugged me) if that works for us.
Later at home when DH told me about this conversation I was like, why would you say that? That makes me the bad guy for everything if I don't agree with BM. And besides, we discuss things together before we make decisions about anything, not just SD but everything...like normal people should.
He said, well I just don't want to fight with BM.
So in the end I look like an evil SM.
Anyway, sorry this is long, my question is this...
Am I mean or over reacting for not wanting to share a coat with BM? I really don't mind having one winter coat for SD. I told DH that as long as he tells BM to make sure she brings the coat every time and we will do the same, no matter the weather, so whoever has SD when a coat is needed will have it.
But the issue comes from knowing BM and DH. They always forget things like shoes, coats, backpacks, homework, ect. when they drop off/pick up SD. They usually drop off/pick up on their way to work so they cannot go back home to get the missing items.
It's not a big deal to them, but I am the one who has to take her to school and I am the one who has to deal with teacher questions about missing homework, parent papers that need to be turned in, etc. I get so embarassed because I look like a terrible SM who never brings her papers to school. I am worried that if BM forgets one day to bring the coat then do I have to go buy another one, or does she have to miss school?
Ugh, so frusterating because in hindsight it's just a coat and she doesn't need two. They are adults and should remember to bring it. But in the end I know it will be forgotten and I just don't want to deal with that.
What should I do about the stupid coat?
What do I do about DH about always telling BM that he has to "ask the boss"?
Re: "I have to ask the boss"...really DH, really? Long...
The boss comment is obnoxious, tell him he is her father and you do not want to be the bad guy just b/c he does not have the balls to do it.
I did not read your whole post but if it is in the high 40s in the morning but going to be 70 later in the day I have a hard time getting my 4yo DS to wear long pants a long sleeves. We have had that weather lately (not the threat of snow but around 50 in the morning and 70 in the afternoon) and most kids do not have coats, they might have something like a sweatshirt over their shirt but most girls are wearing dresses still. This is not horrible that she is not wearing a coat unless she is outside for a long time.
As for getting her another coat, I actually think all kids need 2 coats, in case one gets dirty and is in the wash, it does not have to be 2 very heavy coats but still 2. And a sweatshirt or sweater is totally fine in the current weather too. Look for a sale, they are cheap...in the future look at end of season and get one for the follow year, I bought my kids thinner puffer jackets at Old Navy for around $5 each in probably February last year. But the problem you have is that making a kid bring a jacket back and forth when it is 70 out is crazy IMO. Keep a sweatshirt (buy a size bigger if money is an issue and it will last longer) at your house and ask BM to make sure she wears a jacket if the weather calls for it.
Don't make a big deal where there does not need to be and IMHO, this is not it.
I did this for years and became extremely resentful. I wanted things to be right for the kids so I always prepared for the MANY times DH and BM#2 would forget basic things. 40 degress in the am requires at least a jacket and coat season is right around the corner. It should be discussed before it starts snowing so now it the right time.
Make your DH decide if the coat goes back and forth. Make your DH go pick up the coat if it is forgotten. Until he feels the pain and gets tired of it BM and DH will continue to count on you to get these things done. Don't let it go as long as I did till you are at the point you feel completely taken advantage of (by DH and BM) so you want to do very little.
This. Particularly making DH/BM go get the coat.
How old is your SD? I am only asking because if she is old enough, she should be able to remember to wear her coat.
In a perfect world, I would say that a kid only needs one coat, but based on what you said about them forgetting things, tell your dh to tell bm to buy an extra coat, or make your dh deal with it, or buy a back up coat.
I wouldn't get to upset by it, but I would be pissed if he made you out to be the bad guy and calling you "boss".
SD is 4.
And I agree, it made me mad to know that he said that and I asked him if he's said that before and he said yes, all the time.
Now I know why BM doesn't like me...
And he could easily make decisions without asking me because I am just the SM and they are the parents...the problem is DH doesn't really think things through all the way. He'll agree with BM on everything and when he tells me about it I point out a potential problem on our side of things and he realizes he made a mistake.
I guess instead of telling BM this or thinking things through all the way it's easier for him to say I am the boss and he has to clear things with me first.
Ugh, so annoying but oh well. I guess it doesn't help that I am hormonal right now...
Smack your DH upside his head. His comment not only makes you look like the bad guy but also makes him look spineless.
At the end of the winter this year buy 2 coats on clearance. This way when this comes up next year it won't be an issue. This is what we do every year. We end up spending about the same amount and we have a back up if need be.
As for this year, if she forgets it I'd tell DH he needs to go after it. Tell him "the boss says so".
"Smack your DH upside his head. His comment not only makes you look like the bad guy but also makes him look spineless."
That exactly. He had no reason to say that to her, that was out of line. I absolutely hate it when DH makes comments to BM like that, it is so disrespectful. Let him deal with the aftermath of his decision to brush it off on you.
That's frustrating. And I get that it's not about the stupid coat, it's the school papers the next day, gym shoes the next day, permission slips the next...and since you're the one doing all the drop-offs, pick-ups and dealing with teachers, it puts you in uncomfortable situations.
I would not let either of them walk all over you like that. That includes buying the second coat. If she can't be a responsible mom and make sure it comes back to your house and more importantly gets put on SD's body on cold days, then she's gonna have to eat the expense of the second coat, so you can keep the one you bought at your house.
Really, why should you be stressed out over your SD's things?
And I also get the coat thing vs. cold mornings, too. I do give other parents at our school a major side-eye when their kids come to school in short sleeves and skirts/shorts, and it's like 45 degrees, only because it's gonna be about 70 at noon. Really, people? Our kindie teacher actually had to make a formal announcement last fall to parents that all children must bring a sweatshit/jacket/something for the mornings because their children shiver during recess. I mean, c'mon! Is it really that hard to layer your kids' clothes a little bit? Don't you do that for yourselves?