Husband not coming home for dinner

Re: Husband not coming home for dinner

• Sofka

  October 2011

  can he go to work earlier so he can leave earlier? would it help if you called an hour before dinner and told him to get on the road?

  I'm sorry, I agree that family dinner time is important!

   

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• fatjavacat

  October 2011

  How about the weekends?  My DH travels so it's just the 2 of us during the week.  But on the weekends I am insistant that we have  family dinners (actually all meals).  

  I guess in this economy if he needs to work late to keep his job I would be understanding.  If he is going out to a bar every night for happy hour after work then I would be pissed.

  Maybe keep stressing the importance of family dinners... 

   

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• Amy&Steve0421 member

  October 2011

  His work seems to be never ending - going in earlier only means he is there longer. 

  I could try calling - but I think that would have little effect.  He'll call several times and say he is leaving in 15 minutes - but then it doesn't happen...

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• Amy&Steve0421 member

  October 2011

  Also - we used to do a drop-in daycare on Friday afternoons before we moved - I would have him do pickup in the hopes it would get him home earlier - but he would drop DS off w/me and then go back to work...

  I'm guessing there really is no solution here - I'm just venting - but it is so frustrating....

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• Sofka

  October 2011

  yea, kinda sounds like he lives at work

  could you do dinner out once a week near his work?

   

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• WinesNot Whines

  October 2011

  This is tough. I'm guessing he doesn't even get to see LO before bedtime some days. I have a few thoughts:
  
  Has he always worked long hours, or is this new?
  
  Can he come home for dinner, bring work home with him, and then work from home after LO goes to bed? My husband does this a lot. 
  
  You said he's horrible at time management. Do you think the problem is his job, or is it his work style? Do his co-workers work long hours like he does? If it's his job, maybe he needs to seriously consider switching jobs if it's interfering with his home/family life.
  
  

  

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• Amy&Steve0421 member

  October 2011

  He says other people in his office work like he does - but I think part of the problem is also him.  When he was working part-time and doing grad school he was the same way w/school.

   We talked tonight and he agreed to make more of an effort to come home for dinner and work after Ben is in bed.  He has a VPN but complains that it is too slow - I told him he just needs to deal w/that.  He also says his boss pressures him to say.  I can't stand his boss sometimes - after Ben was born he told Steve he never got up in the middle of the night to help w/any of his kids and Steve shouldn't have to either....

  He does go days sometimes w/o seeing Ben.  I'm just going to empasize the come home - have dinner - work after Ben is in bed angle.  I think that is the solution most likely to work.

   Thanks for letting me vent and thanks for your insight.

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• JKM416 member

  October 2011

  Amy&Steve0421:

  His work seems to be never ending - going in earlier only means he is there longer. 

  I could try calling - but I think that would have little effect.  He'll call several times and say he is leaving in 15 minutes - but then it doesn't happen...

  My DH is never ever home for dinner thanks to work obligations - we're lucky if he shows up once a week before the kids go to bed.  I've gotten plenty of "I'm leaving in 20 minutes" emails and texts, then he doesn't get home for another hour and a half.  At least, unlike your DH, he has a sympathetic boss and co-workers who sometimes stay as late as he does, so they're all in it together.

  Could your DH make it a policy to always be home for dinner on Tuesdays and Thursdays or something?  Make it his official schedule to leave by a certain time on those days and his boss will just have to settle for having him the other evenings of hte week?  Even if your DH is bad at time management and such, he would hopefully be able to swing something like that because everyone involved knows ahead of time what the plan is (and if he doesn't stick to it, you're justified in calling him out).

  
  
  

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• RomeRomance06

  October 2011

  I'm sorry. DH is never home for dinner on the weeknights. He usually gets home around 7:30. But that's just the nature of his job since he has daily deadlines and there's a lot of pressure. He hates it as much as I do though, so we both just have to deal. He's sometimes able to leave a little early on Fridays but that's just enough time to give DD her bedtime bottle and put her to sleep. I don't really have any suggestions, but if he has pressure from the boss, that's hard. You don't want him to be at risk of losing his job or not being valued at his work, but you don't want them to take advantage of him either. Tough.

  

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• cecilyandgautam member

  October 2011

  It sounds like you've already tried a lot of things & it's just not quite clicking. I don't have any suggestions but just a personal story - my dad was the same way (we didn't him see much during the week because he got home after our bedtime) but the one thing that got him to make the lifestyle change necessary to be home earlier, was that in 3rd grade or so, I asked him myself if he could be home more. I see that your LO is too young to express that by him/herself but maybe in a few years, the request coming from your child might strike a cord that we can't really do as effectively as the spouse.

  

  
  

  
  

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• BirdGirl01

  October 2011

  Have you thought about having 2 nights a week where he's home by a certain time?  Those are set days - no calling to say 15 more minute.  The other days he can stay as late as he wants.  That might be a good compromise.  
  

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• vtkgirl77

  October 2011

  I feel for you. I would be very frustrated as well. I grew up in a family that had dinner together every night and like you, it is very important to me.

  With that being said, it sounds like he works at a place where this is the norm. I used to work in consulting (when I had no kids) and most of the men that I worked with rarely saw their families. I don't know how they did it. After I got married and we thought about having kids, I decided I had to make a job change even before I got pregnant because working at that company was way too demanding. Certain companies can make it very hard to set boundaries. For instance, if I said "I'm leaving early to spend time with my husband" then that basically meant that I was putting more work on someone else who would have to stay later.

  Anyway, my reason for saying all of that is that I think there are certain workplaces where they almost make it impossible to have a work/life balance. Depending on how much he likes this job, a job change may be something to consider down the road if he may be up for that. I now work at a company that is 8:30-5pm and I don't work on Fridays. I do not miss my old consulting company one bit. It makes such a huge difference.

  Best wishes with you situation and I hope you can figure something out.

  

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• Amy&Steve0421 member

  October 2011

  Thanks for the input.  It is somewhat comforting to know I am not alone in this.

  I like the idea of one or two nights a week being set aside for famiy dinner - seems a good compromise.

  Also just wanted to add that after we talked last night DH came home early tonight and we got to a family dinner and a walk.  It was so nice.  I think he really is trying.

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