why now

Heatherhah · October 2011

It has been almost a month and now I am having issues looking at pictures of my beautiful baby girl. They hurt me so much. I should also say that I have been crying almost everyday. My heart is broken and i feel so empty without our baby girl Sydney! I dream and thinkabo ut being pregnant again in hopes it mends my broken heartg a bit. I have no idea how to feel normal it is hard to function will things ever get sort of back to normal not that i wangt to be back to normal i will always want and miss my baby that wont change. I suppose im just curious if things get easier or more tolerable in the future? Does the empty feeling ever seem a little bit like it is filled? sorry about the questions i feel so lost all the time!

johnnys june · October 2011

*huge hugs* Oh, honey. My heart aches for you. 1 month out is about the same time I started to feel the intensity of the pain. Up to that point I think I was just numb. I went through a time frame for a couple of months where I couldn't browse Logan's pictures without nearly doubling over from the physical pain I felt in my heart. I would sob and for a few weeks I didn't look at them at all. There was only one picture that I keep by my bedside and as my phone's screen saver that I could look at and actually find a smile and some comfort. All the other ones I only pull out every now and then. The intensity doesn't necessarily go away, but over time, the minutes, hours, and days stretch out before the "intensity" returns. And the time periods of grief, anxiety, and tears seems to vary or shorten. There will never be "back to normal" but I promise there will be a new normal. Right now just take it one day at a time. There are plenty of women on this board that to this day have a hard time looking at pictures. Every woman is different. Don't feel guilty. Do what you need to do for you and for your family. Your Sydney is watching over you and understands. She knows you love her with all your heart and she won't doubt that because you need time to grieve. *HUGS*

goillini823 · October 2011

Its almost been 2 years since my loss, but I vividly remember feeling worse before it got tolerable. I definetely remember feeling like I just wanted to bury myself infer a rock and quit life around the one month mark. I think all the shock wore off by than, and the family and friends constantly checking in on you went away. I feel like things got better around the 3 month mark for me, but than I fell apart, and into an even deeper depression when I had an early m/c at 4 months. All the emotions of losing Gabe came storming right back, and I was now mourning another baby too. The first year was awful for me.

Things do eventually get tolerable, but as his anniversary approaches I feel that anxious feeling all over again. The holidays aren't the same anymore, and his anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year.

niknak1128 · October 2011

((Hugs)). I'm so very sorry. I was 19 weeks when we lost our baby girl and it's been almost 2 months and I still feel like that sometimes. I make it through the day ok but the smallest things get to me. I'm more easily irritated, overwhelmed, saddened by things. Things bother me more easily and more intensely than they did before this happened. I think you just have to be forgiving with yourself and let yourself feel what you need to feel. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I hope you find comfort here. I don't think the pain will ever go away but I do think that it will get easier. I don't think a day will ever go by that I don't think about Brooke but I hope that days come that I can be happy and excited about the future.

pb127 · October 2011

First, lots and lots of BIG ((((hugs))))! Don't force yourself to look at Sydney's pictures any day you don't feel up to it, this is for you and not for Sydney... you hold her in your heart, Mama, and that's what matters. The new normal is hard, but you'll get there. You're right that you'll always want and miss your little girl and that won't change... but in my experience, you start to remember the good things that you enjoyed with her through pregnancy without feeling so much of the raw, heartbreaking pain. For me, the empty feeling started to shrink away after a while and made room for good memories, hope and a huge spot for my kiddos without the pain. Hang in there and please continue to ask all of your questions/concerns... we've all been there and I would have loved to have some place like this to ask these questions and get some reassurance that you will make it through this devastating grief (and YOU WILL).

Heatherhah · October 2011

Thank you so much ladies I have never ever been through anything like this I had an early miscarriage but that was pretty different then having a late loss like I had with Sydney. My world seems to be crumbling around me and that is so hard to deal with. But i believe with the help of my counselor and the help from the ladies on here I will be able to manage in the future.

Thanks,

Heather

roxyttandme · October 2011

They definitely get better. Your loss is SO fresh - give yourself some slack. I can remember in first three months I would go through waves of rage, and sadness and, well all of it! The first 3 months were the worse, then the 6 months and then a year. Now I can walk through isles of baby clothes and it makes me smile. I can look at pics of my daughter and be happy to see her face. Time will make it more manageable. It will never take away your pain - but it will get better.

(((hugs)))

hewinked · October 2011

I still have a hard time saying things get better, but they do get different. Things that used to upset me don't have the same effect. Like I went to Babies R Us today to get something for my DD. I saw a little suit jacket for a baby, and I first thought, OMG that is ridiculously cute. I say things like, if Adam was here, I'd get that for him. It doesn't sting like it once did. Still hard, yes, but different. I can look at boy clothes and actually walk into the store without breaking down. I never could have even thought about it at the stage you're at now.

Many hugs coming your way.

Carolee · October 2011

(((HUGS))). I'm sorry you're hurting. For me, things have gotten more tolerable with time, but the empty feeling hasn't gone away. I think the difference is that I've just learned to accept it as part of the new "me."

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