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LGBT Parenting
LifeAtMyOwnPace
member
Last names (long)
LifeAtMyOwnPace
member
Hi all,
I hope you don't mind that I am posting here - and I sincerely apologize if it bothers anyone.
I am not LGBT. The reason why I am posting here is because my husband and I are struggling with the decision about what last name to give our child. I do not know any straight couples who have done anything other than give the father's last name to the children. I do know LGBT couples with children, but they are older coworkers and I feel a little uncomfortable approaching them.
I kept my last name when I got married last year, and I told my husband that while it was important for me to keep my own name, I was fine if our future children had his last name. I was truthful - I really meant this at the time. Unfortunately, I changed my mind after I got pregnant, and now we're arguing over which last name our child will have.
My arguments, in brief: I want our future daughter to always understand that she doesn't ever have to do what other people or society in general expect her to do. I think that having her mother's last name will help her understand this. My family is extremely small - only my parents and two siblings - and my sister took her husband's name when she married (she has 3 kids with him), so the family name would only live on through my brother. We have no cousins, uncles, aunts, etc. Also, I feel very close to my family and I am not close with my husband's.
My husband's arguments - he would feel like he was not a member of our family if he was the only one with a different last name. He always thought that our kids would have his last name, and he is having difficulty seeing it another way. He feels like he will disappoint his parents if our children have a different last name.
I see his points. I don't want him to be disappointed or upset about this decision, but it just seems like either way we go, somebody is going to end up with hurt feelings. I don't see a "fair" compromise. We could use our last names or part of our last names as middle names, but that seems like a poor consolation prize.
I am not really excited about hyphenating. I know plenty of people do it, but it just seems so cumbersome.
So - if you're still reading (thank you!) - what decision did you and your partner reach? Was it difficult? How did you come to an agreement - and how is it working for you now?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Last names (long)
We did have big discussions about this around the time we got married. I did not want our kids to have hyphenated names, and I wanted the same last name as my kids. My partner did not want to change her name.
We were going to both hyphenate-----but then decided we were doing it to try to compromise and because it was 'the right thing to do' but not what we really wanted. We were each a little bothered by having to get new birth certificates.
The issue pretty naturally fizzled out. Now, as we are foster parents who dream of adoption one day, a natural solution arose. For us, if the situation comes up where we an adopt our children, we plan on her adopting them (only one parent can adopt in the state of WI, she has better benefits...) and them having my last name, or my last name in there somewhere (if they choose to keep part of their birthlastname). Then we both have a tie to them.
It is really sad that in our culture men and women have to each feel like they are giving something up. It would be difficult for you, and has a lot of meaning for you to not have your child with the same last name as you. And, it has a lot of meaning for him, too.
I hope you two come to a true compromise--one where you both feel good about it and not like you gave something up.
A few things I know have worked for others:
-baby has hyphenated name, you each keep your "maiden" names
-baby has hyphenated name, you each have same hyphenated name (making new family name)
-everyone changes name to lastnamecombo--Mary Jenkins and Steve Smith are the Smithkins
-baby is Smithkins
-baby's middle name is Smith or Jenkins
Good luck!
Neither of us were willing to give up our own last name, and I was unwilling to hyphenate for myself or the kids (believe me, it would look ridiculous). Ultimately it came down to the fact that we (as a couple) are very close to my parents and siblings, and we both wanted our kids to feel like they are part of that family. While we see her family and keep up with them, etc. we are not close to most of them, and especially not close to her dad (her mom changed her name when she got remarried, so it is really only her dad's name at this point).
I will say, though, that more than all that it just turned on the fact that it was more important to me. I stood my ground until she caved. Sometimes the truth is ugly.
You're going to find that *most* of the ladies on here took their wives names (or visa versa). In part this is a way for us (generic us) to show our families as a family unit in a way that society in general recognizes.
Was it difficult? Yes. Then it wasn't anymore.
Why? We both realized we were arguing about a lot of "what-ifs" and not our actual in the present feelings. It was more important to me to protect my partner's feelings of giving up her identity than to "protect" other family members feelings or what a child may or may not think 20 years from now. Of course, that's a lot easier for me, because my potential daughter would not be giving up her "identity" " for a man."
Hope that helps.
I don't really get why so many people avoid hyphenating when it's a good, obvious solution. I grew up with a hyphenated name. My mother and father both kept their "maiden" names, and all of us kids got a hyphenated last name (mom's-dad's). I loved growing up with a hyphenated name. Sure, there were occasions where it was a little bit of a PITA, but those were far outnumbered by the times it made me feel special or was a benefit to me in some way. I mean, I know sometimes there are really unfortunate combos (actually, even just reversing my name to dad's-mom's would have made it a "they named their kid what?!" name), but I think truly awful combos are few and far between.
We decided to combine our names into a hyphenated family name that my wife, the twins, and I all share. I moved one part of my original last name to be a second middle name, and picked up my partner's name. She changed her name as well, picking up the second half of my last name.
We love that there are (at least as far as we know) only 4 people in the whole world with our last name. It's special to us.
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I was a hyphen growing up too, and also loved it. It made me feel special, and I loved the connection to both sides of my family.
I think that's the best option if it is really important to you both to have the last name connection with your kids, and each keep your maiden last name.
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We went with the hyphen. It wasn't a tough choice. It just worked for us. We haven't gotten around to legally changing our names, ((hangs head in shame)) but when we adopted our girls we gave them the hyphenated name.
Good luck with your decision!
I kept the last name I grew up with and my son has my partner's last name, as will any future children we have. That decision was very easy for me - I carried our son and have that special connection to him and wanted my partner to have a unique connection to him as well. I also thought it would "grease the wheels" for her when she is out in the world with him and encourage people to accept her as his mother without question, and I think it has. I'm sure she would have been open to other situations (hyphenation - although I was not, giving him my last name, etc.) but it was never something we discussed much because she was content with my starting offer.
But, the social and gender issues you are thinking about are very different than the ones we face.
My preference is not to hyphenate as well, but given the fact you and your husband both feel so strongly about your respective positions, it seems like it might have to be on the table as a possible compromise. I think EratMama has come up with a pretty good list of options - can't think of much to add! If all of those feel like lose-lose to you, maybe the two of you can decide that one of you will get 100% of what you want in this situation, but the other will get 100% of what they want in another major one, to be determined now or later.
To be fair to your husband, he thought this issue was settled long ago. I'm not saying people can't adapt or respond to changes in their partners' needs - we all HAVE to do that for one another - but I can understand him feeling... frustrated? panicked? bait-and-switched?... to be debating something he thought was settled long ago. If the compromise you reach DOES involve her having your husband's last name, you still have your own non-traditional choice of keeping your last name to role model the values you mentioned wanting to impart. This is only one of a million times you will have the opportunity to show and teach her those values over her lifetime. The mere fact that you are considering all of this leaves me with no doubt you will do just that!
I think you both have valid points and hope you can find a solution you both feel great about. Good luck!
My wife and I both kept our last names. Eventually we plan to both change to legally hyphenated, and that will probably happen when we have a baby, because the baby's last name will definitely be hyphenated.
I also know a couple who combined their last names into one (kind of like Brangelina but with last names). It worked for their names, and it's cute. But that doesn't work for all last names--certainly not for my wife's and mine.
This. I carried J and he has K's last name.
To be honest, if I could change my last name (I'm from a different country, so I can't), I would take K's because it's so darn cool.
"I do not know any straight couples who have done anything other than give the father's last name to the children."
Same here, but I've never understood this. The mother has to go through pregnancy. She has to give up or limit smoking and drinking and caffeine and sushi and freaking cold medicine. She has to give birth. And then she gets to deal with cracked nipples and c-section scars and weight gain. For all this, she gets to give the kids her HUSBAND'S name? It's ridiculous.
Rant over. Anyway, for what it's worth I always wanted a hyphenated name (though my parents' names would have actually sounded silly together). As a kid/young adult I thought having a hyphenated name meant you came from a cool, progressive family as opposed to a square, traditional family. And I do think hyphenation, alternate names (e.g. one kid has one last name, other kid has the other), and a combined name are the only options that really don't require someone to make a sacrifice here.
We kept our own names and will not be hyphenating. That's mostly because my wife's name is difficult to spell and say, and although she feels weird giving it up, she also doesn't want to pass it on to anyone else. So kids will get my name only (I will also carry). I would have considered alternatives, but my wife was happy with that, so I was too. If she ever wants to take my name so we all have the same one, she's welcome to do so, but I doubt she will bother.
As someone pointed out, your husband thought this matter was settled and maybe he's just feeling a bit shocked by this. I realize you don't have all the time in the world, but if you let the issue go for a while and revisit it later, maybe he would come around after thinking it over?
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Thank you all for such thoughtful, helpful responses. I realize now that I was being close-minded about hyphenating - focusing too much on logistical issues and not on the positives of honoring our families and celebrating the start of our new family of three.
My husband and I did consider some of the other suggestions that you all raised - including giving my last name to our first baby and his last name to a potential second baby - but we were wondering if that would create some confusing feelings for the kids about being the "favorite" of the parent whose name they shared. Maybe not - as one person mentioned, it's all just a lot of projecting - we can't possibly know how they will feel.
I totally understand how some of you sympathize with my husband's feelings of frustration that I changed my mind. I feel terrible about this, and I wish it had never happened. I don't know why I did - I just started feeling differently about the situation all of a sudden. So maybe he does need some more time to come around. Or maybe, as Leapgirl8 suggested, I'll just wear him down until he gives in.
But I don't see that happening. I want us both to be happy (or, at the very least, feel at peace) with whatever decision we reach.
Again, I can't thank you enough. I lurk on this board often, as I live in the DC area and noticed that some of you do as well.
I don't know that I can ever be helpful in return to any of you, but I will certainly try if the opportunity arises!
I did not take my partner's last name because we were married out of country where it is not an automatic thing and to change my last name here would be a matter of filing an appeal with the courts and what not...so I am left with my family's last name (which is not even my mom's since she remarried when I was 14 and took his last name...). Everyone in my family and our circle of friends uses DW's last name for me anyway though.
When we had Ky there was no question of who's last name she would have. I felt that she should have DW's. There was no question of hyphenating (as my mom suggested) because I felt like in a "perfect world" we would all have the same last name. Also I agree hyphentaing is cumbersome. And with a hard to pronounce last name like mine and a last name that rhymes with a dirty word like DW's it really was best to pick one or the other.
Now as far as being the "odd man out" it really does not affect me. What bothered me more was that they put baby girl S on her crib card instead of baby girl B like it should have been. I have never felt left out because my name does not match her's or DW's.
How did you decide which of your names to move to your middle name? I am in the exact same situation, am hyphenated mom's-dad's. I feel more of a connection to my mom's name and family than my dad's, but I also worry that if I were to take my dad's name out of my official last name or the last name of our kids it would be...wrong...somehow.
DW is an academic and doesn't want to change her name, but would consider hyphenating. We had conversations about it before we were married, but never reached an agreement and so both kept our last names. I felt weird taking on her last name entirely, since I was brought up in a household where we don't change names for marriage. She didn't really want to change her name at all. And we also have not decided what last name we would give theoretical kids.
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