How do you tell someone they're being cheated on?

jlthompson19 · October 2011

I'm going to be vague and just try to get the gist in here. I have someone very close to me that I think is being cheated on, all based on stories SHE's told me. So, it's obviously a case of her not wanting to open her eye's to the truth. I don't know if it's b/c she truly still loves her DB DH or if it's b/c she's terrified of being alone as she's a SAHM to 3 boys.

There have been incidents that would make anyone question him going on for years now. He tells her, what I believe is a lie, to cover his a$$, but similar things keep happening.

She just told me of the latest and I want to scream at her "wake up, he's cheating" but I don't know how to do that w/o coming across as insensitive or whatever. I actually told her today "I don't think I believe him, but I'm not going to try to judge" (we've have issues in the past with her accusing me of being judgemental).

Should I just listen and not offer any advice? They are in marriage counseling as well, and it's unrelated to these issues, though I'm sure they all tie in somewhat-but this wasn't the initial reason for the counseling. I think just general unhappiness was.

orchid8407 · October 2011

While in conversation about the situation with her, ask her if she thinks he is seeing someone on the side and see what she says. Then, continue in that direction. Sometimes people need someone else for a crutch of support. If you open it up, she might open up to you about it.

shakes · October 2011

jlthompson19:

Should I just listen and not offer any advice? They are in marriage counseling as well, and it's unrelated to these issues, though I'm sure they all tie in somewhat-but this wasn't the initial reason for the counseling. I think just general unhappiness was.

I'd say mind your business. They're in therapy, and you can't know what they talk about. If there has been issues in the past of her feeling you're judgmental than yes, stay out of it. Be there for her when she needs you or not. But do not get involved. If she doesn't want to open her eyes, that's her choice to live with. OR confront him and tell him if he doesn't tell her in xmany days that you will, but be prepared for a major shiiitstorm to follow, especially if she doesn't believe you.

hopecounts · October 2011

You don't. If you see/saw something that might be different but as you said she clearly doesn't want to know.

It's possible that she does know but can't face the idea of disrupting her boys lives so totally.

My mom stayed with my dad way to long even though she knew what was going on because she didn't want to disrupt our lives. she didn't leave until it started afffecting one of my brothers.

You'll never be able to convince her to leave since it's clear she's not ready/willing to right now. All you can do is offer your support.

hersheykiss · October 2011

If she is unwilling to open her eyes and admit it, then I don't think you can. Just be there for her as a friend.

[Deleted User] · October 2011

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uluvfranke · October 2011

What if you did split them up and he was not cheating?If you aren't there you don't know. Let THEM work it out.

Max'smom · October 2011

I have been in that situation and did not tell my friend that I thought he was cheating. I was just there for her and she figured it out. The couple is still together and we are still friends but not as close. I feel like because I was so close to what had happened between them she holds distance between us. I don't think we would be friends at all if I had been the one to make her wake up and open her eyes.

bride2be79 · October 2011

shakes:
jlthompson19:

Should I just listen and not offer any advice? They are in marriage counseling as well, and it's unrelated to these issues, though I'm sure they all tie in somewhat-but this wasn't the initial reason for the counseling. I think just general unhappiness was.

I'd say mind your business. They're in therapy, and you can't know what they talk about. If there has been issues in the past of her feeling you're judgmental than yes, stay out of it. Be there for her when she needs you or not. But do not get involved. If she doesn't want to open her eyes, that's her choice to live with. OR confront him and tell him if he doesn't tell her in xmany days that you will, but be prepared for a major shiiitstorm to follow, especially if she doesn't believe you.

This. Unless you have ROCK SOLID PROOF. I mean like photos and a sex tape. Otherwise, you will just lose a friend. If he really is cheating on her and your friend is smart (I'm assuming she is) then she knows and has made the decision not to do anything about it. If that is the case, she will just be defensive and embarassed if you bring it up.

The next time she brings it up I would say "you know, that sounds like something you should really bring up with your therapist." Let the professional sort it out.

[Deleted User] · October 2011

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FrickandFrack · October 2011

I wouldn't say anything. Obviously they are trying to work on issues if they are in marriage counseling and it's not really any of your business. If you do say something, she/they are going to blame you or think you are being nosey.

kenna_4 · October 2011

If she doesn't want to open her eyes to it, you saying you THINK he's cheating doesn't matter, even if you had stone cold proof I think she'd still try and ignore it.

jlthompson19 · October 2011

Mrs.Bones:

Call "Cheaters" and get his ass busted on TV.

Ha! Now that's something I'd love to do, but for some reason I don't think she'd be too happy with me about it.

Unknown · October 2011

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Libby1978 · October 2011

I agree with PP. If you don't have some sort of concrete evidence you should stay out of it.

gingerfamily · October 2011

Trust me when I say stay out of it. It will do nothing but bad things to your relationship with your friend. They obviously know they have issues b/c they are in therapy. I sincerely doubt she's telling you everything they talk about.

Unknown · October 2011

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cchill01 · October 2011

I would ask lots of questions when she brings up the topic. Try to get her to say it, instead of you. "what do you think?" "Do you believe him?" "What does his Mom/ your Mom say?" "What does your counselor say?"

But, if she's still in denial, I'd say just drop it. You can lead a horse to water. And in the end it's her life and her family.

Kitiara5512 · October 2011

shakes:
I'd say mind your business. They're in therapy, and you can't know what they talk about. If there has been issues in the past of her feeling you're judgmental than yes, stay out of it. Be there for her when she needs you or not. But do not get involved. If she doesn't want to open her eyes, that's her choice to live with. OR confront him and tell him if he doesn't tell her in xmany days that you will, but be prepared for a major shiiitstorm to follow, especially if she doesn't believe you.

jlthompson19 · October 2011

cchill01:

I would ask lots of questions when she brings up the topic. Try to get her to say it, instead of you. "what do you think?" "Do you believe him?" "What does his Mom/ your Mom say?" "What does your counselor say?"

But, if she's still in denial, I'd say just drop it. You can lead a horse to water. And in the end it's her life and her family.

I think this is the route I'll take.

FWIW, this instance involves what I, the wife and the counselor believe to be a VERY inappropriate relationship with a coworker and him denying anything's going on.

Kitiara5512 · October 2011

Mrs.Bones:

Call "Cheaters" and get his ass busted on TV.

Bwahahahahahahahaaaaaa!!!

zeptattoo · October 2011

orchid8407:
While in conversation about the situation with her, ask her if she thinks he is seeing someone on the side and see what she says. Then, continue in that direction. Sometimes people need someone else for a crutch of support. If you open it up, she might open up to you about it.

I would do this just to throw it out there, then let it go. She is bringing you into her business, so to suggest it is not out of line. But, if she discounts it, then don't mention it again.

hopkins5 · October 2011

I say MYOB too. If you went to their house one day and walked in on him sleeping with someone else, then yes, I think she'd have every right to know.

Hopefully if he is doing something wrong, it'll come out in therapy.

kayteatrudeau · October 2011

While it sounds like your being extremely patient as a friend I don't think it's appropriate to share your assumptions with her. Even when it's extremely obvious I think it's best to just be there for her and if it gets too much let her know you need to take a step back as to not get further involved.