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Toddlers: 24 Months+
jessNdean
member
Need advice. let it go? mil issue or maybe dh issue
jessNdean
member
Example:
Saturday night we wanted to go out. I had tried all my options on who could babysit. (parents live in another state) siblings weren't arround and even my friends parents or just friends in general. Kinda last minute so i completely understood.
His mother has never watched my daughter. Ever. SHe is a very stubborn woman and she is always right type of mother in law.
He refused to ask her. We argued for a bit on how crazy it is that he just wont ask even if she says no.l
Then yesterday DH was fixing his car and i have about 10 thins i had to get done and I couldn't have her with me. I called DH and said can you ask your mom to watch her for an hour and he gave me an attitude and said i will just stop what i'm doing. I said really? can't you just ask for one hour? the lady does nothing but sit home! and we live in the same complex!!!
So last night we spoke about it again and I said i just dont understand why you can't ask! And he got angry punched the bed and said " i hate how my mom is!"
I'm 90% sure she would come up with an excuse to not be able to watch dd. But how do we really know if he doesn't ask? I wont ask her because I do not want this to be about "me" and its his mom.
I am at the point of just saying then everytime we want to do somethign you stay home with DD and I'll go out and do it because i refuse to always ask MY friends and MY family every single time. I just dont find it fair! Do i just let it go????
I guess its hard for me to get this since I come from a very close loving family and him...not so much. And i always pray it gets better.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Need advice. let it go? mil issue or maybe dh issue
Let it go. I don't even see how this can be an "MIL issue". Sure, at best, it's a "DH issue", but even then.... it's not.
He doesn't want to ask his mom - for whatever reason. And the way you describe her, I'm not really even sure why you'd want her to sit? But realize too that being a grandparent doesn't require her to sit, or that your DH has to ask her.
If you're upset that you're the one who always has to find a sitter, then deal w/ THAT issue w your DH. And perhaps branch out - find sitters who aren't family or friends. And put it on him, if he wants to go out, that HE has to find/hire someone.
But this really isn't about his mom.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If my DH didn't want his mother to watch our child, I would think he had a valid reason and I would just let it go. Also, if your friends and your family are better caretakers, I'd stick with them!
Ditto
honestly, it sounds like there may be some serious issues/history between your DH and his mom that go way beyond watching your LO for an hour.
Go Phils!!
If your DH does not feel comfortable with his mother watching his daughter then dont. He may have his reason and he needs to get over them during his own time. I would expect my husband to respect my wishes if it were the other way around and I didnt want his mother watching my child.
Second, when the time comes that she (MIL) can watch your LO then you ask her. She is your MIL, pick up the phone and ask yourself.
Sorry, I agree with your DH. If he doesn't want to involve his mom in babysitting, then he shouldn't. I think you want her to be the kind of mom you can call and say "hey, can you help us out for an hour?" and she isn't.
My ILs are snow birds and live in our town for 3 months a year in summer months. I have never asked them to babysit. Never asked MIL to watch DD for an hour or two. They are lovely people, they just have never volunteered to babysit. I don't get the feeling they want to. I would never ask them if I was 90% positive that they'd say no. Never. Why set myslef up and make them uncomfortable? Or worse do it and not want to?
my husband would love his mom to watch his daughter. It would make him feel so great to know that his mom and daughter are spending time together.But he is afraid of being disappointed because he thinks she would say no.
...So I went over to her house today to actually see my baby niece. I took it upon myself to ask. I need to know if she would be up to it or not. I made sure I gave her plenty of time and not spare of the moment.
I asked if she was busy on Saturday...(now mind you, she does NOT go out and if she does..her mom picks her up to go shopping during the day and thats it) She said she isn't sure. She might be but will be able to let me know by Thursday. I said okay no big deal just let me know. I said my parents were coming in town friday but they have a party to go to but i'm not sure what time they would be home. She said well you do know that I go to bed at 8pm on saturdays when I have nothing to do?. I said okay. I said morgans bedtime is bewteen 8 to 8:30. I'm sure she will fall asleep eventually.
my husband would love his mom to watch his daughter. It would make him feel so great to know that his mom and daughter are spending time together.But he is afraid of being disappointed because he thinks she would say no.
...So I went over to her house today to actually see my baby niece. I took it upon myself to ask. I need to know if she would be up to it or not. I made sure I gave her plenty of time and not spare of the moment.
I asked if she was busy on Saturday...(now mind you, she does NOT go out and if she does..her mom picks her up to go shopping during the day and thats it) She said she isn't sure. She might be but will be able to let me know by Thursday. I said okay no big deal just let me know. I said my parents were coming in town friday but they have a party to go to but i'm not sure what time they would be home. She said well you do know that I go to bed at 8pm on saturdays when I have nothing to do?. I said okay. I said morgans bedtime is bewteen 8 to 8:30. I'm sure she will fall asleep eventually.
Okay so what do you think of her response? Is she meaning one thing and saying another? or since this woman goest to bed 8pm sharp! then should i just say forget it? since my kid might go to bed at 8:30? or am I being crazy cause this side of the family has made me this way for the last 13 years and its just awkard to ever ask of anything from this side? even though they make you feel guilty that we aren't closer?
I think you were WAY out of line to ask his mom when he won't ask himself. Let it go. This isn't a H or a MIL problem - this is you.
DH's mom is OOT and whenever we travel there she is sooooo excited to take the kids off our hands and let us go do fun things, including over nights. My mom, on the other hand, openly admits that 2 kids is very tiring for her and she is willing to watch them in small doses but will not keep them overnight until they are both sleeping through the night. My DH sees it as "just 1 night." I've told him that he needs to respect me on this - I'm not willing to put her in the position of saying yes/no even though it's meant we've each attended special events alone (weddings and such). I would be livid if he went behind my back and asked my mom to keep the kids overnight even though I've told him I'm not willing to ask her. Most likely, she'd feel guilty and agree to keep them overnight but then be exhausted and frustrated.
DD - February 2011
For the reason why you're DH won't ask, I don't fault you for asking yourself..
But seriously... you need to step back. Look at what you're saying about her. She's stubborn, she always has to be right, DH is kind of afraid of her, she doesn't go out, she's never expressed interest in watching DD, and she's already throwing excuses out (her bedtime) - is this REALLY someone you want watching your child?
I'm really not sure why your'e so focused on getting her to watch your DD. Just because she's a grandparent doesn't mean she has to want to watch, nor does it mean she has to. Not all grandparents are made equal....
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Oh trust me too but they are visiting that week and that day they can't.Otherwise they are the ones to always watch her when they are in town.
As for being way out of line? I dont find myself way out of line. She has never been asked and She needed to be. She just wont be asked again. If something were to come up stating that we never ask...of course it would be because H would never ask. But it would actually be my problem not his. It would mean that its always about my family blah blah. So I wanted to give her the chance to say yes or no. If its a no. then fine. enough said. No need to ask again. But i can't have her throw it in my face one day that we never ask her. Because she definitely would not be the one to offer. After this, yes i can respect H and him not wanting to ask again. But how do you know if you dont ask? Its the same as me asking the people who normally would sit for DD. My sister in law said it wasn't a good day for...Okay simple as that. Done!. Same as everyone else who couldn't do it.
My girlfriend said to him on saturday to ask his mom since we ran out of people to ask....He turned around and said...why dont you ask your mom? (my girlfriend and I are like sisters and we are very very close so this did not offend her and her family is like my family) How is that respecting anyone? when he wont ask his own family?
Of course this is a big issue in our marriage but I am at the point of not tip toeing around his family anymore.
As angry as you come across in this post, and as much of an issue as you're making this out to be - I take your DH's response as one of annoyance and frustration. He's tired of you harping on him about this and he probably thinks you put your girlfriend up to saying that (and did you?!), so he got pissy and threw that response back. Clearly, and I'm truly baffled as to why.~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm actually going to give you the flip side to your issue, and why you may want to be careful what you wish for.
My IL's want to watch DS. They even wanted to help w/ daycare (as my parents do). They are very well meaning, but due to a number of factors, DH and I don't feel comfortable with them watching DS.
But for the longest time, his dad kept asking and asking and asking. It was VERY hard for DH to be honest w/ his dad. He had to do it, but it was VERY hard. He didn't want to hurt his dad's feelings.
And now, while his dad understands, we're still peppered occasionally w/ guilt trips. How they want to see DS more, they're jealous of my parents, etc.
It sucks.
The one good thing, though, is that DH and I are on the same page. Neither of us are comfortable. I'd HATE to think what this would be like if DH was telling me "but I feel bad. we have to let my parents watch DS.....". But many women on these boards deal w/ exactly that. And they don't know how to make their DH realize that his parents aren't a safe option.
For as hard as you're pushing for this, and for as much as you seem to think you're owed this - i'd LOVE to see what would happen if she did sit, it didn't go well (in your eyes), but something changed in your DH and then wants to use her all the time and you dont' know how to get him to NOT call and ask her....
Again, be careful what you wish for.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I really dont get why you have such a burning desire to ask your MIL to watch your daughter. Just because she is family does not mean she has the golden ticket and must watch your daughter, hire a babysitter. Or if you cant find someone to watch your daughter when you want to go out, then dont go out. Welcome to being a parent we dont always get to do what we want to do.
Asking her just so you can say you asked because one day you think she might say "Well you never asked me" is crazy. Maybe she has not offered because she does not want to watch your daughter.
Dh and I would have no problem with my MIL watching DD anytime she wanted to. its not about us being uncomfortable. We trust her. The problem is we dont know if she wants to or not. DH feel like its a burden to her. I feel that her grand daughter shouldn't be looked at one day the greatest gift then a burden. I honestly don't think she would feel that way. I can' t fathom why she would. But then again I really do not know and pray he is wrong. I can't see how she would be uncomfortable with watching DD. She has known her for 2 years and has a 3 month old grand daughter who spends 3 days out of the week with her and her son. Granted the son is there.
I don't feel that she HAS to babysit because she is the grandmother. Of course just because she is a grand parent doesn't mean they have babysitting duties. I wanted to give her the fairness of being asked. And if she says no then she says no. At least we know.
As for the comment my husband made. it wasn't just a comment...He truly meant for my friend to ask her mom. Which she has babysat for us before with her other granddaughter. And no I did not have her say that. I dont need a friend to step in with questions to my husband when I do it myself.
I would totally feel better knowing she said NO rather than not asking. Not wanting to ask your mom because you feel like its a burden on her with your own daughter is just not acceptable for me. Why would you even think that? Or anyone think that? and again...I am totally okay with her saying no. But atleast I didn't leave her out as she claims i usually do when it comes to anything in our life. which is definitely not the case but when you get an excuse after excuse it gets kind of old asking the same old question.
And you are probably right. she is coming up with a way to get out of babysitting, for stating the fact she goes to bed at 8. which is fine. ridiculous but fine. and wont be asked again.
Please dont take me like i'm this Bi$%h. because i'm truly not. I just needed to know if she would babysit for us this coming Saturday. And I love my mother in law....as much as I possibly can. we have differences but thats just the way it is and I've learned to deal with it for as long as I can remember.
I say try and let it go. My mom is probably like your MIL. Granted she lives 400 miles away, but DH's family flies or drives 5 hrs to see DS and DH all the time. All we have to do is say the word, and someone from his family is on their way. My mom, however, is a pain. I asked her to come out for Thanksgiving because there was a chance DH would be traveling and I would be 36 weeks pregnant, alone with a 2.5year old. Response: Oh, I really wanted to stay home for Thanksgiving. I'm so tired of traveling (to South America, France, and to see my sister who lives the same distance away from our mom). So then she doesn't even wait for me to confirm if DH is traveling and she books herself an overseas trip for 3 weeks.
My guess is your MIL says lots of things to DH that he doesn't care to share with you because he knows she's unreasonable and asking your MIL to do you any favors will just aggravate your DH more. Appreciate the help you can get, and don't put pressure on DH to bug his mom for something he knows he won't get.
Wow. First of all its not about ME! And I do live in the real world. Yes trust me Oh i know people are different. number 1. if she dislikes young childrend then i MUST know NOW. (which from what I see she doesn't unless she is being fake and if that is the case then like i said...i need to know because then i know who my daughter CAN be around and not be) number 2 She probably does dislike me...and honestly 13 years of crap ...I'm beyond the point of really caring. We are civil to eachother and thats all I can ask for. Number 3 if she goes to bed at 8 fine. but she made it a point to say I might have plans but when I have nothing to do than I go to bed at 8. Sorry didn't realize your grandaughter meant you have nothing to do.. Your right that DH has known this woman for all his life. Obviously....But If I'm quick to hear everything about everything we do wrong (from my MIL mouth not from DH)...then yes....I damn well have a say. Or I may ask or I may judge. or whatever it is.
first we live in another state an she never gets to see her grand daughter or son. Finally we move back to where we came from and lived an hour away from her. We are yet still to far cause she doesn't drive the highway. We now live int he same complex as she does 1 minute in walking distance and still nothing? I'm sorry. Mother in law or not...You can't think you can just say those things and then think all is okay?! when we TRY to make things work!? And yet we still try!?
But again....just so you know..its not about ME. its about pleasing HER.
update:
I told my husband that I asked his mom to babysit and he said okay. He wasnt' thrilled about the 8pm bedtime but didn't seem to mind that I asked. So thats good. Even if she can't. its really fine.
this is most bizarre post ever - your MIL is clearly a weirdo - why do you want her watching your kid? Your husband knows she's a weirdo so he doesn't want her watching your kid. Trust him.
signs she's a weirdo - goes to bed at 8 pm, doesn't drive unless HER mother picks her up during the daytime, she's NEVER offered to babysit your kid and you live in the same neighborhood.
you are absolutely right. and i reread all these posts over and over again last night. i guess deep down i am hoping she would change and things would get better. I need to stop trying!
You are just as crazy as her. There should be no "Stop trying" just flat out do not try. She is crazy and you are crazy for wanting her to watch your daughter. And your crazy for dragging this post out with your craziness.
WOW that was uncalled for. I'm crazy as her? for giving a damn? whether thats wrong or right. HIGHLY doubt that makes me crazy that I wish there were SOME type of connection towards her son or grand daughter. No need to be such a douche geeze. just dont reply to the f'n post
I can *kind of* see where you are coming from. My inlaws are not a big part of our kids' lives. Granted they live 3,000 miles away, but they've seen DS twice in almost 3 years and DD 4 times in over 5 years. And when they come to visit they aren't really interested in playing with the kids. I wouldn't want or trust them to watch the kids, but at the same time it bothers me that they don't want to be a bigger part of their lives. So I do sort of get your annoyance.
However, for us it isn't just about babysitting, it's about being remotely involved. Your MIL obviously doesn't want to babysit. Why she doesn't want to isn't the point and doesn't really matter. It's her choice. You aren't going to change how she acts towards your husband or daughter, you can only change your expectations.
I also think you need to find someone that isn't a friend or family member (or family member of a friend) who you can call to babysit. Then neither of you would feel the onus was on you to always ask your friends/family.
it is very hurtful that its like that. but its almost like one minute she wants part of it the next not. And dh doesn't have much family as it is because of how everyone is with each other that i'm trying to avoid him losing more. granted babysitting isnt her thing which is fine. I asked once and thats all. And wont ask again. i just dont come from a family like his. (not just because of babysitting but all of it) and its hard to understand why it is the way it is. and your right i do need to find someone else that isn't a friend/family person to babysit.
My mother lives with us but has parkinson so her watching DD for any length of time is just not going to happen. My inlaws live across the street. Like "Everybody Loves Raymond" across the street. We see them on holidays. We live in this weird paradox where we have all our family with us but no one to watch our daughter. lol
My MIL & FIL always say how much they want to be apart of DD's life but don't do anything to make that happen. DH talked to them about doing lunches together on Sundays. The 1st Sunday his mom couldn't do it because she had to wash her dogs. I mean come on. DH also works with his parents. He drives his mom to & from work with the dogs. Well there where days when I couldn't make it to pick DD up from daycare so he'd have to take his mom home than get in his car to get DD. I said why don't you just put the car seat in her van? Nope. She told him he can put it in there the days he needs to pick her up but not all the time. Why? Because it would mean that she wouldn't have enough room for her dogs.
They don't invite us over. If we go over we have to call first. They never stop by here. Forget about asking to babysit. They'd probably have every excuse under the sun. So be it. If thats how they want to be than thats their problem.
You can't force people to be something they aren't. It sounds like she is the type of person who isn't into taking care of her grandchildren. Visits are nice but I'm not gonna babysit. You just have to accept that some people are like this & let it go. Like a PP said, let it go. It is what it is.