WWYD: 3 y.o. at his great gramma's funeral?

futrkingsley · October 2011

So as I posted my grandmother was sick and dying. Thank you for all your kind words. C saw her on Sunday while she was lucid, but exhausted. He sang for her, and made her laugh. He knew she was sick. He knows why. And he knows we don't live forever and that she has died and joined other family members he knows in heaven (he thinks Santa delivers people there but bygones).

Funeral is on Monday. Closed casket, catholic mass. I'm not expecting a big teary sob fest -- she was 83 and ready to die. She lived a long, wild life and it will be a true celebration of her life. She expressed on Sunday that she wanted the great grandkids to come to the mass and then have a chance to play at the park after the mass. She was looking forward to it. I had and have no real reservations about taking him with us. My mom will be there as well to help us if we need it. We see it as an opportunity to show him how we love, teach him that this death at the end of life is not something to be scared of, etc.

My brother's are not planning to bring their kids, and if they bring any they are not planning to bring C's two 3 y.o. cousins. This has me second guessing my decision. So nesties, knowing all this, and knowing what I've posted about him, what would you do?

Go without him or bring him with us? And if you answer, what's your main reason? Have you taken young ones to an end of life funeral celebration (versus a funeral under more tragic or just plain sad circumstances)?

Thank you!

tri_bride05 · October 2011

I think my biggest concern given what you described would be his ability to sit through mass. Has he done that before? Neither of mine are capable for sitting quietly for any length of time and I wouldn't want them to be a disruption. However, if your mom is there and willing to take him out if he gets restless then I don't see the hard in trying.

I did take my little ones to an end of life celebration for my grandmother, but it was at a family member's home not a religous setting and while people spoke about her during the event, they weren't expected to sit still/listen and were not the only children there.

Sending more hugs your way.

kittylove · October 2011

Again sorry for your loss. Tri-bride made a good point about sitting through the service, and that would be my main concern too. If his other age cousins would be there it might change my mind because they could play in the back together but he will likely be bored by himself. Of course I would also understand if you wanted to honnor your grandmother's request and take him. Again so sorry for your loss.

bunch · October 2011

Just for clarification, the mass is still a private funeral mass, right? So everyone there will be there for your grandma? Then I'd have no problem with having him there. Kids will be kids, and G-d doesn't care if they are a little loud or need to play with cars on the pew (my opinion, of course) and those there will be family or close friends and they should know it was what Grandma wanted.

To give you my example- both of my kids flew to WI for my grandma's funeral this summer (so 3 3/4 and 20 months). They played with cars and toy animals during the service, the 3 3/4 year old touched Grandma's hand in the casket, and during the eulogy, which I was giving, my 20 month old ran up and wanted me to pick him up. So I did, in front of everyone. Because he's family, and Grandma wouldn't have cared. Now, because my parents are very non-rock-the-boat traditionalists, they arranged that my aunt and uncle (from the other side of the family) could grab my kids and take them out if necessary, and could take them home for a nap if necessary.

So, do you have any other family/friends who could be there for backup? So explain, it was my dad's mom who died, and my mom's brother/his wife who were my backup babysitters.

So sorry for your loss, but I say bring him, you'll be surprised at his resilience, and let him pick out a couple of quiet toys to play with and maybe have a backup plan...

futrkingsley · October 2011

This is why I love the nest. Having to sit still hadnt even occurred to me as a negative. He likes mass when he goes with DH's mom when she visits. He enjoys watching people and all the stuff inside the church. We don't go often so it's a novelty to him. The funeral will be in Monterey so if he joins us he'll have to do something else for an hour at 9:30 on a Monday morning an hour from home and then meet us. I guess I'll keep thinking it thru.

bunch · October 2011

great! Since you aren't worried about the squirmies, then bring him for sure! The questions are going to come up, especially since he's a little scientist like S, but we were ready with answers, to some degree. DD is now trying to figure out the details about how grandma died. Because if she ate healthy and got lots of rest, she shouldn't have gotten sick. And its evidently NOT the truth that your body can break down when you are old, because we don't have batteries to change...

secretkeeper321 · October 2011

Had to make this same decision just a few weeks ago. Wasn't my Grandparent, but was a family funeral that was more end of life, not in pain remembrance, than tragic funeral. Full mass AND rosary combo. I didn't want to take H. My Mom INSISTED. :sigh: She said that she would take care of him if he couldn't handle the mass, so that I could pay my repects (Mom had been at the family events all weekend long). Well, H is a squirmy dude and he started chatting right away (imagine an echo of Papa, Papa, Papa to my Dad throughout the large church)....Mom didn't see more than the opening prayer of services...but she did have an hour plus of H time.

Fast forward to the luncheon after the burial....H was the biggest hit ever. All the older generation kept coming up to me saying how happy they were that I brought him. That having a child at these occurances makes it so much more cheerful. My Mom really helped out (since DH had to go to work) and it all worked out...but the actual Mass, my kid couldn't handle it.

Either way, I'm so sorry about your Grandma....doesn't matter if she is 18, 80 or 800...it is still hard.

hersheykiss · October 2011

I am a very big person on no kids at funerals, only because of the noise they tend to make and then the parents feel guilty and usually miss the service. But since it was Great grandma's wish that they be there, I would be all about taking your LO. I say go, and if LO talks the entire time it will make for a great story later. Then go play at the playground.

I interrupted midnight mass once during the silent prayer time as a 4 year old and the priests got a great laugh out of it. Apparently I made it all fun. In contrast to what I said above, I love kids at funerals honestly because they remind us that life goes on and it is not all sad. I feel bad when the parents take the kids out of the service, because I would love for the kids to stay and make a sad moment happy.

jsugrin · October 2011

I think you should take him, and I'm living it too so I know what a hard decision it is. Now I'll tell you, I'm not taking the boys. In your case it sounds like C has a really strong handle on death and what is happening. I think he'll do well with it all. In our case, Andrew has expressed a lot of fear surrounding death and that is simply regarding our animals. I think that he would get very upset about my Grandmother's death and he's not a kid to accept heaven at this point. He wants hardcore reasons why someone specifically has to die. I guess I don't really feel prepared for what he needs and I feel he asks questions beyond what he can really comprehend the answers too, if that makes any sense Embarrassed .

When I was 3.5 my Grandfather died. My parents didn't take me and one of my first memories is actually begging them to go and bawling that I was excluded. I knew he had passed away and they were going to a funeral (not that I understood what that was). I think I would have handled it just fine but in that case it was incredibly sudden and I think my mom wasn't really ready to have to deal with me on top of her own grief.

WineCountryWife · October 2011

I am so sorry for your loss. My husbands grandmother just passed away recently and E knows and understands completely, and have had several long conversations about her dying and death. Sadly they are cremating her and aren't holding any kind of service, but if they were - we'd be taking her because she understands it all and wants to be a part of everything very much. It sounds like from what you've said that your DS understands and would want to be a part of everything too. I would trust that he can deal with it, and take him.

Just like a church service - go and be prepared for the squirmies: snacks, coloring books, special toys, sticker books, etc. all make an hour long service much more enjoyable with children. Besides, she requested kids be there - better not deny a dead woman's requests! Smile

dblhappiness · October 2011

I'm so sorry for your loss. My boys were just over 2 years old when my mom died and I had debated taking them to the funeral mass just like you. I was nervous that they wouldn't 'behave'/have 'church manners'. It didn't matter as everyone came up to me that day and expressed how wonderful it was to see her grandkids as she (my mom) had talked about them all the time. They were her life and seeing them there brought some comfort to them. They did provide a bit of distraction as well but they really didn't bother anyone and actually had a harder time at the reception afterwards. Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.