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December 2011 Moms
Thinking about revoking naming rights from the father and vetoing the name...
BF had the name for his son picked out the day he found out I was pregnant. I thought he was a proud papa and let him have the priveledge of naming his son. However, the past 7.5 months of my pregnancy, he has made my life a living hell and has not really helped/participated in/cared about me or this pregnancy at all. He is completely disinterested in being a part of labor and delivery. Hasn't read a SINGLE thing on being a father, or the process of giving birth - anything at all. He won't rub my back or even make sure that I'm comfortable in any situation. He doesn't touch my belly or talk to the baby or even really acknowledge it's existence. He smokes around me all the time. He acts like he is "happy and excited" to be having a baby to everyone else but me. It's a bullsh!t act. If he really cared, he would want to be involved (I would think) in some way - any way - even if it's just being a little nicer to me than normal occasionally. I really don't ask for much.
SO...I haven't said any protest about the name he picked out but I rather don't like it much. And now I think I want to name my son something else. And I don't think he deserves to name the son that he has shown absolutely no interest in. I know that if I try to change the name (especially now - after being OK with it all this time) it's going to turn into a fight. Is it worth it? Should I go ahead and pick out my own name?
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Re: Thinking about revoking naming rights from the father and vetoing the name...
I'd change it if you plan on kicking babies dad to the curb shortly. This is something that will start a HUGE fight and will cause a rift. Really he sounds like a real "winner" and you need to seriously consider if you want him around you and your son at this point. If he hasn't shown any interest this far in the game it's not going to change much when the baby arrives. Do you really want to be a "single" mom (you know, the one who does ALL diaper changes and late night feedings but daddy shows up for the "fun" stuff)? Guys like this are into the glory part of pregnancy/ having a child but when it comes down to the actual work they have a tendency to get worse or bail out completely.
If he's so happy he sure has a screwy way of showing it.
It really sounds like you need higher standards in the BF department.
No offense, but it doesn't sound like he is going to be around forever. Why get stuck with a name you don't like for your son just because you felt the need to please an (ex-)BF and disinterested father? He obviously doesn't pay you much respect, so why would you go out of your way for him?
I say try to come up with something you can both agree on. If you can't, you have much bigger problems than just naming your child. Give the child a first name you like and your last name. Doesn't sound like your BF deserves much more than that.
*TW loss and children mentioned*
Apr 17: IUI #1 = BFN
May 17: IUI #2 = BFN
Jun 17: IUI #3 = Late BFP (18 DPO) | NMC 17Jul17 @ ~6w
Aug 17: IUI #4 = Cancelled due to premature ovulation | TI = BFN
Sep 17: IUI #5 = Cancelled due to overstimulation (10+ follies)
Nov 17: IVF #1 = Cancelled due to non-IF related health issue | TI = BFN
Dec 17: IVF #1 = Puregon 200, Menopur 75, Orgalutran, Suprefact trigger due to OHSS risk | 22R, 18M, 16F, 10B frozen
Feb 18: FET #1 (medicated) = BFN
Mar 18: FET #2 (natural cycle) = CP (beta 1: 54; beta 2: 0)
EDD: 07Jan2019 Team Green
My Rainbow Baby Boy born 03Jan2019
If YOU do not like the name then you most DEFINITELY should change it! I wouldn't name my baby something that my husband liked that I didn't and he has been loving, supportive, and so happy the entire time. If you do like the name and are just doing it out of spite then I guess that is a different story. So sorry you are having to deal with that.... have you tried sitting him down and telling him how he's making you feel?
The Out-Of-Date Bio | The Blog I've Started Updating Again
sounds like a rough situation but i wouldn't necessarily presume that he is not happy or excited about the baby. the fact that he even had a name picked out shows some level of care. it's one thing to purely hate the name, but to change it based upon whether he "deserves" it could stir up a lot of drama and create even more distance between him and his child.
i've seen so many deadbeat dads who could care less about their kids, going so far as to deny paternity. it seems like your SO is above that. so i would hold on to what you can just for the sake of having an active fatherly presence for your son, even though you hate his guts. i have friends who grew up with single moms and resent the fact that their moms cut out their fathers before they even had the opportunity to know them.
minimize the drama.
I was going to ask the same thing. If you ask for a back massage will he give one to you or are you assuming that because you're pregnant he should offer free back massages without you asking?
If you are planning on staying with the guy, get married and go the whole nine yards then I would talk to him about the name he chose. Tell him that you're not really fond of the name and would like to come up with another name. You could even go as far as say, "lets have a few names picked out that we both love and when he's born, you can pick one of the names."
If you don't both like the name then it's not the right name whether you originally gave him complete naming rights or not. OTOH, are you having your response out of spite or because you legitimately don't like the name. There's no way I'd ever go for a name I didn't like and the same goes for DH. If we both don't agree on the name, then we're not choosing that name for our LO's.. With DD, her name just sort of easily came into place, but this LO not so much..
If you are planning to stay together with this guy (isn't sounding very hopeful) then you need to open up the channels of communication more.
Oh man, I have tried and tried and tried to communicate with the BF. I do ask him for backrubs. He knows how I feel. I didn't really love the name, but I didn't dislike it either. I let it grow on me. He didn't like any of the boy names I suggested initially waaaay back in the beginning. He's not a very compromising or reasonable person to begin with. I didn't want to argue and before we knew the gender, he said if it was a girl I could pick out the name by myself.
I don't know if or how long I will be with him, but I'm really trying to stick with it, kinda hoping that once the baby arrives he will be a good daddy. I suppose he deserves at least a chance. But I have a feeling in the bottom of my heart that I am just setting myself up for disappointment on that one.
I gave up trying to get him to care. I definitely don't expect him to just know what to do. At first, I made subtle hints. Then I had to get a little more specific and then it became an arguement so I just gave up. I'm not going to force him to care if he doesn't.
Girl, I have been following your story from the beginning. You need to DTMF. Babies don't turn boys into men. Yes, it is hard for men to make the connection in their head that there really IS a baby in there but your BF sounds like he doesn't even want to make that connection.
I really don't want to sound harsh; I just feel like your situation has not improved AT ALL since you first posted on here and you just keep hanging around...is your BF really the type of person you want your son growing up and idolizing? Wouldn't you want something better? How does sticking it our "for the babies sake" even make sense if the baby will be exposed to someone who doesn't care for or respect his mother?
With that said, if BF has nothing to contribute to your pregnancy (well, besides the obvious) then he should not have naming rights. Whose to say he will even stick around after LO comes? Either you need to have a come to Jesus talk with him and compromise on a name, or put something else on the birth certificate (along with your last name) since it sounds like he may not even be there...
Good luck, I will be praying for you.
I don't normally get involved in these types of discussions but I feel like if you are willing to listen to someone who has a bit of experience under her belt, I might be able to help.
First, you need to dump this guy like a hot rock. You think he may be bad now. You think you might not be able to depend on him now. Just wait. It will only get worse.
I highlighted portions of your post that struck a chord with me. I don't want this to seem snarky - I really think you need to take a step back and re-evaluate this relationship and your roll in it. It sounds like you have played a very passive role in your own life.
Your life has been made miserable by him. Why are you allowing him to do this? You deserve better, you know this.
He smokes around you. Um. And you allow this? Why are you around him at all then? I'm not joking. If he won't respect your decision to have a healthy pregnancy why put yourself in a situation where you have to breathe his 2nd hand smoke. Also, do you think he won't smoke around the baby?
You don't ask for much. Why not? Seriously, why wouldn't you ask for better for yourself or your child? I don't get it.
You didn't protest a name you didn't like. Again, why not? You conceived this baby, have housed him, kept him healthy and will soon push his giant baby head out of a very small hole. How does this NOT entitle you to an opinion?
Also, I have no opinion on what or how you should name your kid but if you can't have an adult conversation over something like this without a fight, you are with the wrong person. Is this really the kind of environment you want to raise your baby in?
~TTC since 01/09~
~SA & B/W - 06/09 - Normal~
~Encouraged by OB to "just keep trying" 06/09 - 06/10 (oh, the wasted time)~
~HSG - 08/10 - Clear/Normal~
~Lapo - 01/11 - Normal~
~Clomid 50mg, Trigger shot, Prometrium - 01/11, 02/11, 03/11~
~BFN - 02/11~
~IUI #1 03/15/11~
BFP 3/28/2011
Diagnosed with GD at 28 weeks. Controlled through diet and exercise. No insulin.
Diagnosed with Cholestasis of pregnancy @ 36 weeks.
Delivered via C-section @ 36 weeks on 11/9/11.
Let's pretend that you are currently in a perfect situation with a perfect man. I think it is important that you both love the name of your child.
After saying that, I have a friend, she was married and pregnant and her husband was being a complete douche bag the entire pregnancy. He wouldn't even take belly pictures of her. They were having a boy and he wanted to name the kid after himself (so a III.) and she agreed. Well the kid was probably around two by the time their divorce was finalized and she has a kid that she doesn't like the name and literally hates the father.
I agree with all of this-especially the bolded statement. If you were ok with the name up until now and are now changing it just because he doesn't deserve the right to name the baby, that seems a little messed up IMO.
He does sound like a douche, but he is still the baby's father, and you had agreed on the name. Making a big deal out of it now is just going to make a complicated situation worse, so unless you absolutely can't stand the name I would keep it what was agreed upon.