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November 2011 Moms
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Frustrated...

snowkiwisnowkiwi member
in November 2011 Moms

It has 'officially' begun. My MIL has now gone from sporadic bouts of unsolicited pregnancy/birthing/parenting advice to a continuous stream of advice and random 'drop-ins'. Not half an hour ago, she just walked unannounced into my house (as I was napping) to drop off soup. No knock. No nothing. How the hell do I have a chance to say "No" when she doesn't even ask?!! I want her key revoked (DH gave it to her when he was still a bachelor). I want her to ask permission to come over. I know her and I know exactly what she's doing. She's trying to establish a precedent for after baby arrives so she can just 'pop over' to visit by using food drop-offs as her excuse. I know I should've said to her face that her 'visit' this AM was not welcome, but I know if I do, she'll crumple into a heap of tears and I'll be the big bad wolf. Again. I'm off to call DH - He needs to handle this or I'm going to lose the guts completely. Her intentions are good, but her actions are not respectful of my boundaries. How many times do we have to have this conversation with her??

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Re: Frustrated...

  • reason00reason00 member

    Oh this would so drive me insane.

    When you hear the key next time, you should sit spread eagle on the couch, and shave your girl bits.

    That'll teach her to come over unannounced.

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  • snowkiwisnowkiwi member

    Hahahaha! Thanks for that reply - That's the first laugh I'd had all morning. Nice one Yes

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  • duffmakerduffmaker member

    Haha oh my gosh that was the best reply ever!

    My mom pulls almost the same thing except thankgod she doesn't have a key... she ALWAYS brings my younger brother (he's 12) or her boyfriend's girl's (5 and 9) claiming that they want to see me... she comes completely unannounced pulls into our driveway (always at night! I swear to god it's so she can see us there with the lights on) THEN she calls and asks if we're home so she can stop by?? Like come on! Seriously! It pisses my FI off so bad! There is no escaping this women! I lied once and said no... she mentioned the lights on and I said "oh shoot we must have forgotten to turn them off!" and her response... "well are they on timers? We've been sitting in the driveway for 10 minutes and I saw them turn off and on." LIKE WTF CREEPER!

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  • honeybee #1honeybee #1

    I would turn into one of those crazy people who go after the 'intruder' with a baseball bat. But seriously, her key needs to be taken back, or the locks need to be changed, and regardless of tears or anything else this needs to be brought up to her and she needs to realise that that isn't acceptable. You need to have privacy and security in your home, especially with a LO on the way.

    But I would sit down with your DH and talk to her together, she needs to learn how to respect you and your opinions (particularly in your house) directly from you without your DH as a go between. There will be a lot of cases where she will do similar things with the baby and you won't want to have to ask your DH to deal with it every time.

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  • SuzJune04SuzJune04 member

    Yeah, that would annoy me even if it were my own parents (who live 3mi away).  We have a "call before you stop by" rule.  If I don't answer then they don't come by :-D

    My parents also know that nap time for my son is in the early afternoon and to not call during those hours.  I try to get a nap when DS naps.  She needs to respect your space.

    Worst case scenerio, get a security system.  She'd need the code or a keyfob to get in then.

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  • baileyrayvalentinebaileyrayvalentine

    This would drive me absolutely crazyyyyy!!!!  I don't blame you for feeling the way you do, and I would do exactly the same thing about laying down the law NOW as opposed to when you have the baby.  I'm a FTM but I feel like I'd want to regulate anyone in the house when the baby is on such a regimented schedule of sleeping and eating, especially if you plan on breastfeeding.  Secondarily, it's an invasion of privacy and personal space.  It's annoying when people feel entitled to assert themselves in your lives, even if their intentions are good and pure.  
     
    But then again, I'm a boundaries person...my mom announced she was coming to stay with us for a week the first week of December, which freaked me out because we live in a 3 BR apartment, and house guests would be right on top of us and that feels too soon to have someone in our space so soon after the baby (due the 19th but I could be late!) so I felt like I had to spell out what our wishes were very clearly now so I don't have to deal with having the discussion after the baby comes and I'm a tired/hormonal new mom recovering from birth and adjusting to life w/ a NB.  I got over feeling like the big bad wolf when I thought about that this is our new family that we're looking out for, and I feel like we should be able to do as we see fit.  
     
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  • snowkiwisnowkiwi member
    imagehoneybee #1:

    But I would sit down with your DH and talk to her together, she needs to learn how to respect you and your opinions (particularly in your house) directly from you without your DH as a go between. There will be a lot of cases where she will do similar things with the baby and you won't want to have to ask your DH to deal with it every time.

    Agreed. And this will be the 3rd time (in as many months) that we've had this conversation with her. DH did it first by phone, then I had a lengthy (and very clear) phonecall with her about it, and now it'll have to be a united front face-to-face. The thing is, this is all about 'control' for her but she masks it as 'do-gooding'. She knows all too well where my boundaries lie, but by doing things that appear to come from a place of well-meaning, she intentionally bypasses them.

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  • RedCamaroRedCamaro member
    imagehoneybee #1:

    I would turn into one of those crazy people who go after the 'intruder' with a baseball bat. But seriously, her key needs to be taken back, or the locks need to be changed, and regardless of tears or anything else this needs to be brought up to her and she needs to realise that that isn't acceptable. You need to have privacy and security in your home, especially with a LO on the way.

    But I would sit down with your DH and talk to her together, she needs to learn how to respect you and your opinions (particularly in your house) directly from you without your DH as a go between. There will be a lot of cases where she will do similar things with the baby and you won't want to have to ask your DH to deal with it every time.

    This. I know it may be painful to go through now, but better to get it underway before you have more problems when baby comes. She'll more than likely do something else with baby that you have to address, and you want to be confident enough to talk to her about it yourself with your DH as back up. Sure he may get that "Since you got married, you always take her side" arguement. But she needs to remember how it was when she got married and had to deal with a MIL. Respect is a two-way street; without communication and understanding it will dead-end fast.

     

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  • marissa01marissa01
    imagesnowkiwi:
    imagehoneybee #1:

    But I would sit down with your DH and talk to her together, she needs to learn how to respect you and your opinions (particularly in your house) directly from you without your DH as a go between. There will be a lot of cases where she will do similar things with the baby and you won't want to have to ask your DH to deal with it every time.

    Agreed. And this will be the 3rd time (in as many months) that we've had this conversation with her. DH did it first by phone, then I had a lengthy (and very clear) phonecall with her about it, and now it'll have to be a united front face-to-face. The thing is, this is all about 'control' for her but she masks it as 'do-gooding'. She knows all too well where my boundaries lie, but by doing things that appear to come from a place of well-meaning, she intentionally bypasses them.

    I would have asked for the key the first time she showed up unannounced.  She keeps showing up because she knows she can get away with it.  You should definitely have a face-to-face conversation with her and your DH.  Make sure you get the key back too.  Don't let her try to guilt trip you with her crying either.  Good luck!

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  • Novas MommyNovas Mommy
    imagereason00:

    Oh this would so drive me insane.

    When you hear the key next time, you should sit spread eagle on the couch, and shave your girl bits.

    That'll teach her to come over unannounced.

    OMG! That would certainly get the point across, im sure!!

    Too funny!

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  • pghjenpghjen member
    I would have a chat with her AND change the locks. 
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  • MommaEricaMommaErica
    imagesnowkiwi:
    imagehoneybee #1:

    But I would sit down with your DH and talk to her together, she needs to learn how to respect you and your opinions (particularly in your house) directly from you without your DH as a go between. There will be a lot of cases where she will do similar things with the baby and you won't want to have to ask your DH to deal with it every time.

    Agreed. And this will be the 3rd time (in as many months) that we've had this conversation with her. DH did it first by phone, then I had a lengthy (and very clear) phonecall with her about it, and now it'll have to be a united front face-to-face. The thing is, this is all about 'control' for her but she masks it as 'do-gooding'. She knows all too well where my boundaries lie, but by doing things that appear to come from a place of well-meaning, she intentionally bypasses them.

    THREE conversations already?  Okay, that's bullsh^t. The time for talking is done.  Change the locks.

    I am not even kidding.  We had to do something similar with my MIL.  When it's about control, they only hear what they want to hear and justify their actions anyway they can to work around the "rules" and try to make you look like the bad guy when you object.  It manipulation plain and simple.  Do not stand for it. 3 conversations are 2 more than should have been required.  Change the locks. 

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  • britzymamabritzymama
    This would drive me insane too!  I'm so glad my MIL doesn't have a key!
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  • megan.e.jensen@gmail.commegan.e.jensen@gmail.com member

    Agree with PP'ers - apparently she is ignoring your discussions.  Quick, easy and cheap solution?  Put a chain on the front door.  Yep, her key still works, but HEY!  WOAH!  Where did the chain come from??  Well mom, it's the scarriest thing...we can't locate the spare key we had hidden outside and with the baby on the way...

    We will have the locks changed soon...(and not TELL you)....

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  • ImAnRNImAnRN
    Man, these MIL's are out of control! As a mom to a son, I pray I never become this crazy and neurotic:-)
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