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Northern California Babies
Tuesday VENT (Long)
I just need to get this out...(couldn't wait for CW)
I am TIRED. Physically tired because the boys aren't sleeping well (and I haven't had a night where I wasn't the only one getting up with them since early July), and emotionally tired too. I'm doing EVERYTHING for them - laundry, meals, dishes, lunches, remaking beds that are wet just about every morning, to school every day, home from school three days a week, mornings, most bedtimes (4-6x/week). I'm also working full-time, commuting an hour each way, trying to keep my head above water financially, thinking I probably need to start looking for a job with benefits since I'm going to lose mine eventually.
I'm cleaning up the financial messes that STBX continues to cause - pulling credit reports, shutting down joint cards as he opens them (hopefully before he runs up balances, but I've missed a couple). I'm putting together all of the divorce paperwork because since he was served at the end of August, he's done NONE of what he needs to do and at this point I just want to be divorced.
But I really don't think I'd be feeling so "Woe is Me" except here's what STBX is doing: sleeping all day (he can't be bothered to show up before 10 or 11 on his one day of visitation), having sex with everything that moves in the greater Northern California area, riding his new motorcycle around, and making "social" plans with different women just about every night, including the nights he's supposed to be with the boys so he either takes off early or doesn't show up at all. Occasionally writing me a check that may or may not clear. When he does have the boys, serving them fast food 99% of the time, or food from MY fridge that I've cooked the 1% of the time that he can be bothered to heat things up. Leaving my house a complete wreck when he leaves, no matter how many times I've asked him to help clean up a little. He has absolutely ZERO responsibilities. None.
The final straw for me was I'm letting him take the boys to his parents' house for Thanksgiving because his sister and her husband will be there to help watch them. I will have a few nights to myself, so I booked a trip to Mendocino for two nights and I can't explain how excited I am about it. I told him that's what I was planning to do. He calls me yesterday morning and tells me he's dropping his dog off because he's going to spend a couple days in Mendocino. At the same place I booked. He didn't tell me this part, but it's with the current hook-up, who is a STRIPPER.
I guess I should stop thinking that he should be helping me, because he's not going to. Ever. I just don't understand how he can become just so unbelievably irresponsible. Yes, he's an addict (drugs and sex). I wonder if Al Anon would help me figure some of this out and be able to just accept that it's going to be 100% me from now on...
I hope I don't sound like a whiny biatch. I just am having a bitter day.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Tuesday VENT (Long)
I am sorry you are having continuing issues. So does your STBX come to your home for the visitation? If so, then can you stop that and meet at a public place for him to see the boys? I think about you constantly. Don't worry, this too shall pass and it will get better. You are doing awesomely with the boys. If I was closer I would totally come and babysit so you could at least take a nap or have a quiet bath.
Oh B, you have my continued support and hugs. I think al-anon really could help. you know, when you can fit those meetings into your so-open schedule!
You are right, you do need to just let go of any expectation of help from STBX, but its hard to do. I still expect my abusive ex to apologize to me someday, and he has always denied the abuse, lives 2000 miles away, and we have no contact. And its been 13 years. So clearly, I'm one to tell you to let go of expectations
Anyway, he's a continued @ssh@t, can't believe he booked the same d@mn trip as you. Shows you his immaturity. Have you been working with an interventionist? I know his visitations have to be supervised, but is there any way to minimize contact between you two? Have a mediator around, not have his visitation at your house? I feel like that might negate some of this- like he wouldn't have heard about your get-away.
You are a strong, strong woman. You will get through this. You will be a better person on the flip side. You are a wonderful mother, a thoughtful friend, and a caring adult (even to your STBX). Next time drive up here and leave the kids at my house, then you can head to Vancouver and relax in another COUNTRY!
You are such a strong woman, and mother. I dont have any words of advice for you, just thinking of you and sending you big (((hugs)))
I don't think you could ever sound like a whiny biatch. You are under a tremendous amount of stress and I think it's terrible that he just doesn't care what all of this is doing. Now I have been advised to go to Al-Anon for years but never took that step. I will say that it helped my dad a LOT in the past couple of years. He was able to see things that he just didn't before. It's definitely worth a shot...and if you're not ready, we're here for you, too.
HUGE hugs!!
That is crap crap crap. I CANNOT believe he booked a trip there. 1. how is he paying for it and 2. does he know there may be a dress code or expectations and his stripper of the month won't fit ? Argh B, I have no advice but to agree with you that stbx is a dumbass and a piece right now. Is there anyway that on a specific day you can hire someone to relieve you, so you can take 3-5 hours to yourself ? YOU need a break, remember to take moments for yourself too.
Huge hugs , I wish I lived closer to get someone to watch your boys and for us to go enjoy a glass of wine together.
You are so not a whiny bithc. Far from it. I really have no words for him. I'm sitting here trying to think of the perfect thing to say and all that comes to mind is 1) he's a used douchebag, 2) thank goodness you are who you are - both for your kids sake and his because I'd totally be f-ing with his mind/life/credit score/reputation/etc, and 3) I'd skip mendecino and go to HI. Let him wonder how you pay for it...maybe it's on a CC that HE has taken out.
Yeah - there's all kinds of things WRONG with my line of thinking. It's easy to "say it all".
Hugs my friend.
One million and one hugs coming your way B! I don't know how you haven't lost your mind already.
Where are you in the process of getting the visitation figured out? I wonder if it is time to cut off communication with him and only deal with him through the attorneys until something is in place?
While I agree having him see the boys at a public place, I know this will just put more of a burden on you because you will have to go also.
Is there any way your mom could come back out to help out for a while until things get a little more settled? Just a thought, not sure it could work though.
You know I am always here if you need to talk, drink, escape, etc. Just let me know!
Hang in there friend!
You are allowed to be as whiny as you want to, good god have you got a lot on your plate and not a single bit is fair. As far as the BS like him going to the coast, 1. no more info for him (let him know you will be unreachable except for emergencies, you do not want him flaking on you because he knows you've got plans) 2. call the hotel and see if they have a sister property that you can stay at or cancel the reservation and go somewhere else ( Living Social has a deal in FB right now). As far as your benefits, I'd check to see if the kids will qualify for Healthy Families, the upper income limit is quiet reasonable and very possible with one income that you will qualify. That at least will take the weight of the kids insurance off your shoulders.
Finally, find something you can do for yourself. Do you have any family that can help once a month or one night a week or anything? Maybe a CL ad for a highschool student to come over for an hour or two in the evenings and help with the dinner/bathtime routine ( I found a wonderful 12 year old for $7 an hour) or a friend that has offered to help yet you find yourself not taking them up on it?
Good luck mama, you are doing an incredible job both for yourself and those lovely kiddos and yes I think AlAnon would help you tremendously, especially because at some point the boys are going to need that kind of support and if you haven't gotten yourself there then you're not going to be able to help them deal with it all.
It makes me oh so steaming mad that he planned a trip to your place! Seriously?!?!? SERIOUSLY?!?!?
I would have punched him I think.
You are a saint for dealing with this kind of behavior. It's not acceptable at all and you just need to set boundaries and try to remember he is VERY sick and try like aitch-ee-double-hockey-sticks not to take it personally. I know that is next to impossible to do.
Here I am punching him for you:
Muah! Big hugs.