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North Carolina Babies
MrsHughesNC
member
Only children
MrsHughesNC
member
If you are an only child, can you tell me about your experience? What were the pros/cons in your experience? Do you feel like you missed out on anything? Is it harder now (or do you see it becoming harder as your parents age, etc) without a sibling? Would you have changed it if you could?
Also, if you're planning on being one and done, what are your reasons (if you want to share)? What are your concerns, if any?
I've found myself strangely on the fence about having another one, now that the time that DH & I had previously talked about trying for #2 is getting closer. 
We just don't feel incomplete with one child, and we have thought of many benefits of stopping at one. I'm having a hard time thinking about being pregnant, and starting over with a baby (and I LOVED the baby stage). I always assumed we'd have two, so I'm surprised at my sudden change of opinion about it.
TIA!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Only children
Can't offer any advice but this is exactly why I had mine 22 months apart b/c I was afraid we'd get to the point you are and really be on the fence. Figured I better bite the bullet if we were going to have two.
I wish you luck in making your decision!
My Sweet Girls
Well, we have a lot of reasons for being 1 and done, including not having maternity coverage on our health insurance, but honestly I never really got baby fever again after Liam was born. Before he was born, I assumed we'd have 2, but after he was born we felt kind of complete with 1. I do feel a little guilty about giving him a sibling, for his sake, but I don't really feel sad about not going through the whole baby thing again.
You'll find people who say they'd never want their kids to be only kids, but really, I think just do what feels right for your family.
I am not an only child, nor do I only have 1 child but I wanted to add my experience. Like Wendy, we started trying for #2 when DD was 9m because I knew I wanted to be done, and the longer we waited the harder it would be to picture life with 2. Pregnancy was more tiring because you are chasing another child, no time for naps, more back pain from lifting another child, etc.
I have to say having 2 children has been WAY harder than I had ever imagined. Our lives were thrown out of whack almost more so than when we were new parents. Our time is very limited to do anything now a days (between 2 nap schedules, feeding, etc). On top of that Cam is a difficult baby so I am spread very thin. My emotions, sanity, sleep pattern, relationship with DH and DD and even our finances (special $70 a month medicine and formula, new car payment for a minivan since both our cars were small sedans) have been strained more than imagined. Of course it is always going to be hard in the beginning, and newborns are tough, but throw a 2/3 year old into the mix and it can be exhausting.
Would I change it for the world, no (well it depends on the day)! But I was 100% ready for #2 so I think I am having a hard time dealing with how hard it really is (and the fact that now I tend to lose my patience very quickly and DD gets the brunt of it, which makes me feel terrible). I never really thought about it in that sense. Whatever decision you make, you know you are doing what you feel best is for you and your family.
ETA: I should also add that I SAH so it is all me all day long and DH works from 8am-7pm most days. So factor that into my response and we have no family close by, which I think would help greatly those first few months.
I'm an only child and growing up I thought it was great. I had my parents undivided attention when ever I wanted and got to do things a lot of kids around me didn't because there was only me (like trips and stuff) to worry about. I don't/didn't feel like I missed out on anything because I don't know any different. I've never had a sibling to have something to compare it too.
It's absolutely 100% without question harder now. But I didn't know it was harder until something bad happened. A year ago my father had a heart attack and stroke within minutes of each other causing permanent damage to his brain. He can barely speak and no longer has the use of the right side of his body. My point being is that I am the only person my mother relies on. I have no siblings to help deal with the situation. At Holidays there is only me and my family. We always have to be there or they will be alone. (That's not a complaint, just a matter of fact). And I don't want my parents being alone on holidays. Being the only child is hard as an adult.
My husband and I have discussed it, and prior to my dad getting sick I might have been okay with having an only child, but not any more. I can't imagine my child having to go through the things I go through now dealing with my mom and dad. It's so extremely stressful and heart wrenching and I don't want my son to feel the way I feel which to be honest, is sometimes resentful that they put me in this position.
That's my 100% honest answer, take it for what its worth
My main reasons are:
1) Being pregnant again is not even remotely something I'm interested in right now (or ever).
2) Financially speaking, having just L here to provide for allows us to continue to reasonably live our life without too much of a strain.
3) Time. We both have lives outside our house. I'm training for my 2nd 1/2 marathon right now and it is challenging to gets my runs in with just L to manage but with 2 I can't see how it would work.
LLG's post does make me pause for a second but there is a flip side to her comments as well so like someone else said you just do what is best for your family. For us that means we are done.
I'm not an only child (and as you know we're on #3 now
, but DH is an only child and these are pretty much his exact comments on it. He doesn't know any different to say it was better or not being an only child while young. But he has found it very difficult with being an adult. He has had to carry the weight of both his parents health issues on his shoulders alone (of course I help where I can but it's different when you have siblings to help). We live in another state from his parents and like LLG, they will either always be here for the big holidays or we will be there because they only have us and otherwise they're alone. (So we will never have a Christmas just our family).
I also felt like Wendy did about having our kids close together. With being older, I just really wanted to get through the baby stage sooner than later with all our children. Although being pg with toddlers running around or taking care of a newborn is rough, it passes quickly in the grand scheme of things. However, if we'd waited to have Claire now that Natalie is 3.5 yr old, I think I'd seriously hestitate (but still end up doing it) about getting pg again because she's been so bossy, etc. lately. But honestly, I haven't found pg that difficult right now with toddlers -- they actually make pg go faster since I don't have time to think about being pg. The last 5-6 weeks are little harder though.
Whatever decision you come to will be what's best for your own family. Good luck with your decision!
This EXACTLY! As a child it was awesome. My mom was a teacher so she had pretty much the same schedule that I did so it meant we could do a lot of things together. Dad and I could do special trips too since it was just me. But, I didn't know any different at the time so it didn't bother me.
When I was planning my wedding I had SIL to talk to but always thought about how much fun it would be to plan it with my sister (assuming I had a sister and not a broother!).
The hardest part by far has been watching my dad go through cancer then pass away. My mom relied on me emotionally and still does but I don't feel like I have anyone else to vent to. DH doesn't get it as much as he tries to, he just can't and while mom went through the same things it was a different relationship for them - he was husband not dad.
There was never a doubt that I wanted two kids. Even if they hate each other growing up they will eventually need each other. Even now I can already see their relationship developing. John can make Ryan laugh like no one else can and I love how close they are.
Yes, the adjustment to two kids both emotionally and financially suck for the most part (especially in the beginning) but I assume it's a lot easier to go ahead and have two now than to wait until Holly will really need a sibling many years from now.
Plus, I LOVE the age difference in #1 & #2. They are 3yrs 4mo apart. John was fully potty trained day and night long before Ryan arrived. He was content sitting and playing or watching tv alone for a few minutes while I tended to Ryan. He understood the boundaries of a baby - don't pick up the baby!! It's a decision only you and DH can make but either way, as an only child, I think I turned out just fine!
Because I had a quick and severe onset of pre-e at 26w with my DD and could develop it again my DH and I decided that our DD will be our one and only. I am sad that she won't have a sister or brother to grow up with. The plus side is I feel with her being our one and only we will be able to afford her so many more opportunities that we wouldn?t it we were to have more.
I'm one of 3 and desperately want to have more children, so I can't help you too much with opinions on only children, but I wanted to add to this...
Although I totally get LLG, Salsibury, & Racey's point (re: Racey's DH), having more children doesn't necesarily insure help with aging/ill parents.
I've seen my mom, dad, & step-dad have to take care of their parents without the help of their siblings. My step-dad's mother & brother passed away years before his father's health took a turn for the worse, so it was left completely up to him just due to unfortunate circumstances. Both my mom & dad have brothers who have not been able to help share parental care for various reasons, so it has still been left up to them alone to shoulder that responsibility.
So, while I understand that point and think it certainly has merit in consideration of more children, I wouldn't let it be a deciding point since you just never know how life is going to play out.
I agree with BTP. My mom shouldered the majority of my grandparents' illnesses/deaths on her own, despite having 2 siblings. She loves her brothers, but they didn't provide any assistance (emotional or financial) when things were really hard. In my, thankfully limited, experience with family illnesses and deaths, it seems to me that it can be a time that brings families together or tears them apart. Unfortunately, having siblings is no guarantee of having support.
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Not having gone through the same thing... but my mom did pass away from cancer 4.5 years ago. I could not have made it through her battle with cancer and death without my brother. DH only wanted 1 child, but it is so very important to me for Allie to have a sibling. I always wanted 2 kids anyways, but this taught me a lot.
SO well said I agree with all of this.
My additions:
I am an only child and I HATE it now. (Loved it as a child.) I feel like I am missing out on a close relationship with a brother or a sister. Memories of your childhood and your parents to share with someone, someone to help shoulder the burden of illness, family drama, etc. People to go on vacation with, spend holidays with, you name it. I will never be an aunt.
Immediate family events are small because it's just me. It feels pretty lonely at times. I absolutely wish I had a sibling and knew I never wanted an only child. No, there are no guarantees that they will be the best of friends but they will always have each other.
I do feel guilty about taking away the 1-1 time I had with Keira sometimes. I do miss not having to split my time with another child and how easy it was with just her! But I honestly can't imagine my life without Callie. Sure, life is harder to juggle right now, but it will get easier. I think I have given them each a gift---each other. I gave my children something that I so desperately want and can never have. They will have a playmate growing up and hopefully a (best) friend for life.
I have never regretted my decision to have another. And? I would gladly give up the 1-1 attention I had from my parents for a sibling. I also think the closer in age siblings are the easier it is on them in the long run. Keira will never remember life without Callie. It is sad she will never remember our special 1-1 time we had together, but she also can never think back on it and resent that Callie took it away because she can't remember what that felt like. That is the main reason why I wanted them so close together. My DH has a brother 8 years younger and he remembers that time being ripped from him. And they are so far apart in age they are not close at all.
I agree with this, and so does DH. DH is a perfect example of why having a sibling isn't a guarantee for stuff like this. He has a sister who I have never even met. She apparently decided like 6 years ago to estrange herself from the family and he hasn't talked to her since (Side note--they even work for the same company, but rarely see each other). When the burden of dealing with his aging parents comes up, it will always be on us, despite him having a sibling. I know that's an extreme example, but he'll never be convinced that that alone is a good reason to have a child, based on his own experience. He does realize his situation is the exception, but still.
We've had a lot of drama in my family too, and my sister has been on and off estranged from my parents. During those times, family stuff all fell on me. My sister and I have always been close, but she's caused a lot of drama too LOL. Then there's DH, who has 2 brothers, they all live here in Raleigh/Durham, there's no hard feelings between any of them, but they just don't hang out. None of the 3 of them really ever get together to do things, and I can't really figure out why.
I would love for Liam to have a sibling, truly. I love my sister, drama and all, I wouldn't change her for anything. But I can't have another baby just for Liam. For financial and personal reasons, it's just better for us to only have one.
It makes me a little sad sometimes, but it is what it is, and he'll be fine
Also, I have friends who are both only children (husband and wife), and they have chosen to have an only child, so not all only children grow up to wish it the other way.
DS isn't here yet, but we're about 95% sure we're one and done. A BIG part of it is financial. DH and I grew up in families where vacations weren't in our vocabulary; we were told we had to pick between two activities because there simply wasn't the money for both, even though they wished we could participate in both. Looking at our financial situation, taking care of ourselves comes first (retirement), then evaluating on whether or not we can still do the things we want to do (vacations, etc) and afford 2 kids. Granted, today's situation isn't going to be our forever situation (or at least we hope not), but it certainly makes us pause.
DH and his brother very, very rarely talk. We're OK with the burden of taking care of his mom. We encouraged her to move closer to us, and a big part of it was so we would be able to provide more care/support for her. My brother and I rarely talk as well, and he's in no place to help with an elderly parent, nor am I sure he'll ever be in that place. We're both OK with being the one to shoulder the burden.
Just wanted to add my two cents about siblings. My DH has a sister and they are not close at all. Like not close to the point where he cannot stand to talk to her, be around her, etc. She is a worthless human being who has sucked his parents dry, emotionally, financially, etc. (she is married with 4 kids) and when the day comes to help his parents, it will be us because she is not dependable nor can she be counted on.
His mom has mentioned a few times that she really wishes they were closer because she is worried about when happens when they (his parents) pass away, she wants them to have a relationship. What she does not seem to realize is that they (his parents) are a big part of the reason they don't have one (enabling her, etc) and it is affecting their relationship with our children (we don't spend much time with them because they are always with the other grandkids and we don't want to be around them). So my point is, having another child does not guarantee they will be close or guarantee both children with share the care of the parents as they get older. Good luck with your decision!
I definitely agree. One of the key things for DH in wanting us to not have an only child was that you rarely hear of someone with siblings saying they wish they didn't have any but most only children we've encountered (including DH) have said they wished they'd had a sibling. So many things play into the decision though as others have discussed -- financial, going through pg again, etc. Even though my girls are close now doesn't mean they will be when they're older (my mom hardly talks to her two of her sisters, my dad doesn't talk to one of his brothers, etc.) but I sure hope it works out that way.
Hughes -- either decision you make will work out to be the best for your family! Holly will have a great life whether as an only child or with siblings! And with great parents!
I am not an only child, but I will give my opinion as well. DH is an only child and he has never had a problem with it. He doesn't know of life any other way so it's never been a big deal. He also has already had to shoulder the burden of taking care of his mom before she passed away and I know now that although he is not close to his father that we will always be the ones expected to take care of him in case his health fails. It's not something I worry about too much, it just is a matter of fact.
I will mention that there is a 5 year age difference between my brother and I and we are not close. I'm not sure if it is an age thing, gender difference or the fact that we just don't have much in common, but we never have been. I actually remember life before my brother and it is a huge change to have to share your parents after a certain amount of time. With that being said, I would never not want to have my brother in my life.
That's why that I plan to have another baby at some point after this baby is born. I can't imagine my child growing up as an only child and I don't want her to even if she doesn't become best friends with future siblings.
My Sweet Girls
On the flip side, my sister is 19 months younger than me and we have very little in common besides my dramatic family.
There are really no guarantees
Good luck!
My BFF told me the exact same thing the other day. DH and I both agree we'd never regret a second child. We're just not sure that we would regret not having a second one either.. Time will tell, I suppose! :-)
Maddie will be an only child. It really bothered me for a while, b/c I'm from a very close family and I would love for her to have a sibling or two. But I guess b/c it's just not an option, I've completely made peace with it. There are many reasons that Maddie will be happy as a child and an adult, and there are many reasons that she will be unhappy. I don't think having a sibling would guarantee more happiness, and I don't think that not having a sibling will guarantee more unhappiness.
I think if the parents want another child, then that's great, but I don't really believe that something as important and life changing as having a baby should be done just so your child can have a sibling (not saying that anyone here has done that- I have no doubt that there are many reasons for most people having 2+ children).
Anyway, I'm happy with one, and I'm happy with Mads being an only child.