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3rd Trimester
How to set boundaries for my mom, BEFORE baby is born?
I live nearby my parents and in laws, and my mom makes it seem like she expects to see the baby every day once he or she is born. She has made comments like "Oh and I'll come over every day, especially in the beginning, so you can take naps and shower and clean and stuff." Completely ignoring the fact that I have a wonderful husband who I'm sure will be more than capable, and more than happy to care for our baby if say, I need to take a 5 or 10 minute shower or feed myself. I love my mom dearly and enjoy spending time with her, and I'm sure I'll want and appreciate her help, but she needs to understand that we need time alone to be our own little family too (this is our first baby) Whenever I say anything though, she gets emotional and makes it seem like I'm never going to let her see the baby. That's not it at all! All I'm saying is that we need to enjoy our cozy threesome most of the time, that there will be plenty of "grandma time" without her being there every day, or somehow trying to co-raise our baby. Even now, she gets very needy and mad at me if I don't see her oh, every other day at least. I'm worried it will get even worse once baby is here...how can I set appropriate boundaries to make everyone happy? (Btw, I think a couple times a week would be okay...)
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Re: How to set boundaries for my mom, BEFORE baby is born?
I'm really sorry she's not seeing it your way. I think the way you stated it in your post is the best way to tell her. I really can't offer any advice about what to do if she doesn't come around.
I know living right next to family has its advantages, but DH and I are 2 hours from my parents and 4 hours from his. We really like having our space, but also not being so far away that we can't go down a visit for a weekend. I can't imagine having either one of our families over ever day!! I'd go nuts!
Tell her straight out what you expect and put your foot down.
When I got my daughter dressed in the hospital...it was my stupid FIL who cut in and tried to dress her...
Can you see his huge gorilla arms literally pushing me out of the way? There are a series of pictures of us getting her dressed and it took me months before I could look at them without getting angry. What FIL does this? I'm still blown away that he felt it was his job to try and take over and get her dressed.
When we came home from the hospital it was my FIL who was literally waiting at our locked front door and asking us, "Where have you been, I've been waiting here for like 20 minutes" Ummmmm...we were at the pharmacy picking up my pain meds. He stayed that day until midnight.
Next morning he was back and stayed again late. He came over everyday to hold his granddaughter for 4-5 days straight. I started getting really upset because I felt like I was fighting for bonding time with her. The only times I was able to have a moment with her was to feed her and then hand her off again.
We finally put our foot down and told him and the rest of the family that we needed some space.
I think you should just be honest with her. Take her out to coffee and tell her you love and appreciate her help and you understand she is super excited to be a grandmother, but you want her to understand that you will want some alone time with your family as well. Tell her that you know she will be a huge part of your lives no matter what, but you'd like to set up a time, say MW in the afternoons so you can get your house cleaning done or something like that and she can exclusively bond with the LO.
I think too many people tip toe around these subjects with family, when in reality if you are completely honest with a person you are more likely to make everyone happy in the long run. My mom is super emotional too, but I set clear boundries and just tell her how it is going to be and she supports me even if I can tell that inside she is dying to get at my kids more often (she already sees him 4x a week!)
If you explain your reasons and reassure her that she will get lots of time with the baby then she will understand your expectations and hopefully honor them. She may have a hard time with it at first, but she can't blame you for being honest and she will come around. If she doesn't then you have done everything you can to explain your POV to her and it is her problem to deal with her own emotions over it.
I like this suggestion - if your mom understands why you feel the way you do, she hopefully won't feel so hurt over your decision. This will also give her an opportunity to tell you what she thinks about your suggestions, maybe come up with some compromises....so she doesn't feel completely left out or forced into a routine?
?Little Love of my Life?
In this situation, I don't know that "more is better" w/ your mom. It sounds like you've tried to talk to her before and all she does is get upset.
I think this is a situation where you're gonig to have to rely on action instead of words, so to speak.
Let's just say - you have the baby, you are home. She comes to visit. As she leaves, she says "I'll be back later/ tomorrow" - you need to FIRMLY say "Actually, later isn't going to be good. I'll call you tomorrow about coming to visit again.". She gets upset? "I know you want to see DD, but she isn't going anywhere. Dont' worry!" *smile*.
She cries "I want to help" - you say "You are helping and I appreciate it.". Period. Don't go into "You can help tomorrow!" or anything like that. Just "Yes, you are".
I think the most I'd go past that would be "You're a huge help, but DH and I have to figure this out for ourselves too.".
And if she shows up unannounced, you actually have to be ready to say "this isn't a good time mom. Please call.". This is what I meant by action - dont' let her in because if you do, she will just come over whenever she wants.
Boundaries are more about you, in the moment, saying yes/no and putting a stop to a behavior than it is you laying out the "rules" ahead of time. It's really not as much on her to follow your wishes - it's on you to lay down the boundary.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think her offer is generous and you can use her exact wording/offers to tell her how she could be most useful. Something like: Thank you for offering to come over when I need a nap/rest! Since this is my first time as a mom, I'm not yet sure what time of day that will be most needed but I'm sure I'll appreciate a couple hours to myself. When I have a bit more of a rhythm down, we can schedule a regular time for that but for the first couple weeks, it's so nice to know I can call you when I need my mom's help!
And when it comes to needing time to bond as a new family, do you know how much time you'll want? A week or so? Just tell her that in the first week or two, you anticipate wanting a lot of quite bonding time so agree now to her first & perhaps 2nd visit and then you can sort out a schedule once you've figured out how much help you want.
You may end up wanting a lot more help than you anticipate right now.
I am in a similar situation with my own mother. My parents live 10 minutes away and I am sure that they will spend alot of time here when the baby comes. I have two older children and believe me if you can just direct her excietment in a way that benefits you it will all work out. When I had my first, she was still working so no hovering. With my second she was in the middle of recieving chemo for breast cancer, so she stayed away. I have noticed that she is more than willing to run to the store, fix dinner and start laundry. All things that are much harder with a newborn attached to you. Your Husband will still need to eat, sleep and function and a second set of hands never hurt. Just let go of the idea that you will need to entertain her. She will be overjoyed to hold the baby while you pee or shower. She will also be overjoyed to be included. I am sure that once the newness of the situation fades that she will just be a proud mother and grandmother.
Good Luck!
I am in a similar situation with my own mother. My parents live 10 minutes away and I am sure that they will spend alot of time here when the baby comes. I have two older children and believe me if you can just direct her excietment in a way that benefits you it will all work out. When I had my first, she was still working so no hovering. With my second she was in the middle of recieving chemo for breast cancer, so she stayed away. I have noticed that she is more than willing to run to the store, fix dinner and start laundry. All things that are much harder with a newborn attached to you. Your Husband will still need to eat, sleep and function and a second set of hands never hurt. Just let go of the idea that you will need to entertain her. She will be overjoyed to hold the baby while you pee or shower. She will also be overjoyed to be included. I am sure that once the newness of the situation fades that she will just be a proud mother and grandmother.
Good Luck!
7lbs 13oz 20 inches long
I was just reading this because I have a MIL who is very much too involved and I feel like she is trying to co-raise my daughter. I can say my daughter is almost 4 and the situation hasn't gotten much better, so I can't offer much advice.
I am commenting because I find this comment very funny. I love how you included the photo! Good luck pushing the gorilla back!
::lurking:: THIS all the way. In my situation, talking to either my parents or in-laws preemptively is never a good thing. It needlessly complicates things, hurts feelings, and you get nowhere. Setting boundaries in the moment is much more effective. If your mom calls and says she's on the way over, you just say "Sorry Mom, now's not a good time. How about tomorrow?"
Over the summer, my in-laws called and said they wanted to come stay for a weekend (only a few days ahead of time). It wasn't a good weekend and we had gotten sick of those last minute type of calls, so we said "This weekend doesn't work, but how about we visit you next weekend instead?" They can't argue that, we got what we wanted/needed AND we turned out looking like the good guys because they still got a chance to see us!
It's also easy to think that you know what you'll want/need before you have the baby... how you react and what you want/need once the baby is here could be very very different and maybe you WILL want your mom more than you think. And if not, saying "Now's not good, how about X" is setting a clear but gentle boundary that really shouldn't hurt feelings.
I agree with posters who have said that you shouldn't try to put too much in place before the baby comes. You don't know what level of interaction/visit you will want, so really setting anything now is kind of arbitrary, and it just gives both you and her more time to stress about it. Right after you've had the baby you will all be focusing on the baby and, to be honest, I plan on being more blunt about what I need/want then and if someone thinks I am being a witch, they can blame it on me just having given birth.
One thing I would have in place, if you don't already, is calling before coming over. There is noone who just stops by my house, and my parents live 5 minutes away. Similarly, I call before going over there. It is usually no problem and we're happy to see each other, but it is a lot easier to say "sorry, not a great time" on the phone than at the door. If you or they drop by unannounced, I would get that under control before baby comes, but that is my personal preference. Also, caller ID is your friend, so if you get a call from someone and don't want to have them over and think saying no would not be well-received, don't answer. You could be out, could be in the shower, could be having a nap, whatever. I like my caller ID and don't screen much, but I love knowing it is there if I want it!
Sep14 February Siggy Challenge: Favorite Romantic Movie - A Knight's Tale
Happily welcomed healthy baby girl December 2011.
Excited to welcome a new addition September 2014!
I agree that it's hard to say exactly what you'll want until baby is here. We tried too much to do it all alone and I wish we had taken more of the help offered to us. Even having someone around to help throw in a load of laundry, or yes, shower, is amazing. I'm not saying that dh's are incapable, because they most certainly are not, but having a bit more help isn't a bad thing.
Are you worried that she is just going to try and be too hands on with the baby? I never seemed to have an issue when people were around that if I wanted the baby, I had the baby in my arms. I'd say just make sure she knows that showing up unannounced won't work, because that would get old.