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LindseyJW
member
morning routine - does DH help? (and a vent)
LindseyJW
member
maybe it's because i haven't had a good night's rest in weeks/months? (still having postpartum night sweats and DD is up to nurse 2-3x/night since august), or particularly this week because i'm half sick (asthma like allergy attack at Cox Farms on Sunday), or because i'm just generally completely stressed out at work, but DH's recent lack of help in the mornings is kinda pissing me off.
somehow, he manages to get up 10 minutes earlier than me, but still takes longer getting himself ready to go than it takes me to get myself and both kids ready to go (and that includes nursing the baby).
he does a lot to help in the house in other ways (shares cooking responsibilities, does the dishes, cleans the cat box, takes care of the lawn-sometimes). he's definitely not a lazy dad/husband/man of the house. but this is just really bothering me right now, b/c it's like the 5th day in a row we've been late dropping the kids off and i'm the one DCP fusses at.
tell me i'm not alone!
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Re: morning routine - does DH help? (and a vent)
My husband generally gets M ready in the morning while I get myself ready. (I snuggle with M in our bed while DH gets himself ready, and then we trade off.)
Maybe your husband needs to get up even earlier?
You are definitely not alone. I think that for some men, they are missing two critical genes - (1) the ability to multitask and (2) the ability to speed up a particular task and do it faster than normal when you are in a rush. I love my husband dearly and I've just had to accept the fact that he's Jamaican and everything is done in it's own time. When we are in a rush, it doesn't feel like he does things faster. The shower takes the same amount of time, getting dressed takes the same amount of time, etc. Also, it is much harder for him to multi-task and he's told me this. It's just like his brain is not wired to do multiple things at once.
I've tried to just tell myself that he literally is just not able to do things the same way I do. It's like if there were someone who's been training for the 100 yard dash started running in front of me and told me to keep up. I would physically just not be able to. So, I try to compare it to that. He has other strengths and skills that he does better than me but multitasking and getting things done fast is not one of them. It's not that I give him a free pass not to try but I try to give him some more leeway.
Do I want to pull out my hair and scream sometimes? Absolutely. But, I do my very best to try and put it in perspective.
DHs office moved way far from our house last week so he is out the door before we even wake up. However, before this move- it was a tag team effort to get us all out the door in the morning. He made breakfast, I dealt with the getting dressed issues, he packed the bag, etc....
Seriously, the last two days have sucked because it is just me and I only have one. I feel for you.
We're tag team parents in the morning. He gets ready, I watch DS. I get ready he watches DS. We switch on and off. Sometimes I will take care of a few things while watching DS. I get up earlier than him usually since I need to leave half an hour before he does. But my rule is as soon as DS gets up, DH has to get up.
I agree about men being slower and not as good at multitasking. The amount of things I get done in the morning far exceeds DH. He takes much longer.
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Have you talked to your DH about it? Maybe it would help him if you told him specific things you needed, like "It would really help us all get ready on time if you could do X, Y, and Z for the kids."
DH helps a lot in the morning--he feeds J breakfast, gets his stuff ready, and takes him to daycare. I usually get him dressed and make sure his teeth are brushed. But I'm pretty sure DH would never think to check if J's diaper is dirty if I didn't ask him to. Apparently if he can't actually smell poop, it doesn't exist (and J's in a triple-stuffed diaper at night, so a lot of times you CAN'T smell it).
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This is true for us too. But I also have the complication that DH hates getting up in the morning and he moves so s-l-o-w. That said, we do share morning responsibilities, DH plays with the kids while I get ready and he gets DS dressed and sometimes DD as well. He also helps wrangle them from breakfast to the car. Not an easy task.
he does need to get up earlier and he's not good at multitasking.
i suspect part of what takes him so long is that he watches tv in the basement while he's ironing. i don't understand why it takes 20 minutes to iron a shirt. he could save a lot of time in the a.m. if he did this at night.
he also prefers to shave in the morning. he's half asian and barely has any facial hair to begin with, so only shaves 2x a week at most anyway. he likes to do it in the morning b/c it's "part of his routine." blah. i'm going to suggest that this be a nighttime routine.
he is particularly slower when he's stayed up late at night (which he's done frequently recently, WFH late, but he also watches tv while working, so...)
no, i haven't talked to him about it. almost did in the car this morning, but i was mad and figured that wasn't a good way to start a convo.
honestly, i can't tell if things have really changed recently, or if i'm just hyper sensitive to our reality because of the things going on with me (not sleeping). he really does so much (not that he deserves a cookie for doing what he should), it's just the getting fussed at part by DCP that is putting me over the edge.
Lack of sleep will certainly put you on edge and make you more sensitive to things that make your life harder.
Maybe this would be a good nighttime conversation for you to have, when you can explain that you need more help in the mornings and ask if some of his daily routine can be moved to the evenings so he's more able to help with the kids in the morning. I totally understand wanting to stick to his morning routine - it's my routine that keeps me sane(ish). But I also get up a full hour before DD and DH so I can have my time to do things alone and at my own page.
My DH used to do all the getting DD ready back when I still had to get bottles ready for her. But once that ended, I started helping him out...and then DD decided she doesn't like DH in the mornings. So now I pretty much get her up and dressed alone (while he watches - grr) and then he helps with a few things at the last minute to get us out the door. I don't love our division of labor in the morning, but I'm also working on better communicating what he can do to help.
Can he dryclean his shirts at one of those places that costs $1.75 cents per item? I know it's an extra expense but would that help?
I agree about waiting to talk about it until the initial frustration has settled down. Can you approach it in a problem-solving manner and get his input first? Like say something like, the past X mornings we are late to the DCP. What do you think we need to do differently to get out of the door on time? After he answers, maybe brainstorm the tasks that need to be done and who is responsible for what.
I'm sorry you are going through this. We definitely hit bumps in the road from time to time where we have to re-evaluate.
Sorry for the stress this is causing. My DH is out the door by 5am, so I get both girls ready on my own every day, and have for their whole lives (3 years for older DD). It was tough at first, and to adjust to DD#2's arrival 17 months ago, but now we have it down to a science. Luckily I am very low maintence in the mornings (I can be ready in 5 minutes usually), or else it wouldn't be so easy I don't think. That being said, I'm actually in the opposite boat, where the mornings where DH is randomly at home, while he helps and we can get things done faster together (getting the girls dressed, etc.), he then tries to rush us and it stresses me out and so it ends up being worse for me that he is there. When baby #3 arrives next spring, he said he will change his schedule to be there in the mornings so we can tackle all 3 together, but I am secretly worried it will make it worse rather than better.
this is a great idea. then it's his idea, and not me telling him what he's doing wrong or generally being critical. this is one of my weak points (being critical) and something that i've consciously been working on improving over the past few years.
we are fine with the expense, but he doesn't like his shirts dry cleaned. he really likes ironing.
I completely understand. Right now, our mornings are relatively easy since DD is so young. On the days I don't work from home, DH gets her ready in the morning after I nurse her and leave for work and he often tells me he was late or he was rushed, etc. I've suggested that he simply get up 5-10 minutes earlier and he says, "I just can't." OK. He also admits he's incapable of moving faster in the mornings.
Anyway, I had a conversation with DH this past weekend about our overall division of household chores (I posted about it yesterday on the Working Moms board) and it went fairly well. I waited until the weekend when we were relaxed and not in a rush to do anything and I think that definitely helped. I asked him what he could do to help me out and he was a little defensive saying, "Just tell me what you want me to do" (with a tone) so I just simply told him what would help me out and he's agreed. I still have to remind him about a couple things but other things he's been doing on his own without my reminders so I'm hopeful. I would expect your DH to get a little defensive, especially if he feels he already does "enough," but stick to your guns and explain your exhaustion and why you need the help (don't attack him though) and you never know. Good luck!
PPs had great suggestions. On top of those, can you have him bring the kids into to DCP on days you're late because of his routine/lack of help? Maybe that will help you be less stressed (since you wont' have to hear DCP fuss) and at the same time it will give him perspective on why you hate to be late (since he'll get the DCP's lecture)
can your kids eat breakfast at daycare? DS is easy b/c he goes to my Mom's but we bring DD's breakfast to daycare b/c she gets there so early. She does drink a cup of milk in the morning.
they do eat breakfast there and that is precisely the problem. breakfast is over at a certain time and we always get there right at the end. they will still feed them, but it messes up DCP's schedule (and i totally understand her frustration with that), plus, it messes the kids up for the day when they have lunch just 2.45hrs after breakfast.
i ALMOST did this today! but i figured it would be mean (he was up late working last night) and sure enough, i got fussed at this morning. sigh. maybe next time. lol, i will talk with him though. great ideas in this thread.
I swear I see my future in your posts...I'm saving this thread for later.
DH is a night owl and has a heck of a time waking up in the mornings. Both of us have a lot of flexibility in our schedules--I have to be at work at a certain time for meetings a couple days a week, and he usually has one day a week where he has to be somewhere at a certain time early in the AM. I take 15 minutes in the bathroom, and can do all of my morning routine, including breakfast for me and packing both our lunches, in an hour. He takes nearly an hour to shower and dress. Oy.