Vent: I am so tired of not being able to enjoy this pregnancy

MickeyM04 · October 2011

Can any of you relate to this?

I am so SO grateful to be pregnant, especially so soon after my loss. But I spend every day 98% sure I have had a missed m/c, googling the signs of a missed m/c, googling the odds of m/c after __ weeks of pregnancy, etc. Then the past few days I have been freaking out because I'm on 2000 mg of antibiotics per day right now and I am 2000% convinced this is hurting the baby. And on top of all of that, even though I am just BARELY 10 weeks, none of my pants fit me anymore and all of my shirts are tight in the belly and I'm walking around miserable and uncomfortable because I refuse to go buy bigger clothes because I'm not convinced I'll be pregnant long enough to need bigger clothes.

I feel like I just spend every minute of every day waiting for the other foot to drop. I mean my next OB appt is Friday and I'm trying to clear my work schedule for that afternoon and refusing to make any plans for the weekend because I'm so convinced I'm going to get bad news at the appointment and I don't want to have to do any last minute cancellations of meetings, plans with friends, etc.

And on top of that, three people I know had babies last week and I keep finding myself saying, "I want a baby so bad," and MH keeps reminding me, "You're pregnant, you dummy!" And I'm like, "Yeah, that doesn't mean I'm having a baby."

This sucks. I hope LO can't feel all my negativity in there...

luvboston · October 2011

First of all, I would suggest getting a doppler so you don't have to worry. You could just check when you are panicked.

#2 the stress you are putting yourself through is not good for either of you

#3 You have no control except to eat well and take you vits, whatever happens is going to and you need to tell yourself this several times a day

#4 I would suggest talking to the social worker at the OB practice and telling them about your extreme nerves and perhaps your OB would allow you to have a few extra u/s

I have had two m/c and I try to be happy until there is bad news. I know it's difficult but you cannot function if you are always panicked.

luvboston · October 2011

Also you passed the 9 week mark go buy some clothes, you deserve it!!

pottermommy · October 2011

LO has no idea. Thank goodness or we would all be guilty of siphoning depression onto them Indifferent ... It is ok to be sad and scared and irrationally crazy.

Because first you are PGAL and you know how hard it is to lose the one thing you want so very very badly. And second because your hormones are crazy right now. So one minute you are excited and then scared and then depressed and then guilty for being depressed. It is like a very not fun rollercoaster....

Do not beat yourself up about it though. It is ok, and no matter what has happened or what will happen DH is totally right. You are pregnant! Right now! Right this minute! And no matter how much we all try to hide the hope and the excitement you love this precious little baby so much that it is driving you crazy!!

And one day you will hold him (I say him b/c mine is a him hope you don't mind) and you will tell him that you loved him so much you nearly lost your mond worrying about him before you could even hold him.

Lots of hugs and I hope you find some peace and joy in your LO tonight!! Oh and go buy a stretchy comfy shirt and some yoga pants because no matter what you can wear them pg or not or even post pg!!! Don't squish yourself silly girl!!!

BritanyV · October 2011

STOP! Take a deep breath and remember "Today I am pregnant and I love my baby".

You need to block yourself from Google and anywhere else. Don't expect the worst until you have a reason to. Stop stressing yourself out!

I disagree with the PP about getting a doppler because you are still early and I think a doppler would just aggravate your stress more, especially if you can't find the heartbeat because you are too early or LO is hiding somewhere.

((HUGS))

Izabella22 · October 2011

*HUGS* I'm with you, I am 27 weeks and can't bring myself to start buying stuff for this baby yet, I just feel like I'm going to jinx the pregnancy. I know its silly and that I really need to start getting ready... but I do feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Its completely normal part of Pgal... it stinks, but normal. Can I suggest just quitting the dr google? I stopped around 6wks b/c I was driving myself crazy and once I stopped it really helped my anxiety level come down. I know its hard, but there really is nothing you can do besides try to relax as much as possible. I had to stop visiting the mc/pl boards and reading posts about loss b/c they would just get me more nervous and get the gears churning... probalby selfish, but for my own mental state, I do what I have to do. Hang in there, and feel free to vent here anytime.

stephsteph77 · October 2011

I've worried about how my negativity might affect the LO too. I'm trying to force myself to think positive, but it's so hard! I got out my bella bands from my first pregnancy last week because my pants were uncomfortable buttoned. I hate to say it, but my first thought was how silly I was going to feel wearing this if I had had a missed m/c and don't really "need" it. My next appointment is my NT scan on the 27th and I've already run through many scenarios in my head as to how I will react if X, Y, or Z happens. I'm pretty sure I'm not even going to look at the sceen until they can tell me things are OK (The NT scan was where we got the bad news last time and I had nightmares about it for months. Every time I closed my eyes the first thing I would picture was the ultrasound image..).

Being PGAL is tougher than I ever could have imagined. It's so hard to enjoy any of it, and the mantra of "today I am pregnant and I love my baby" doesn't help me because... what if today I'm not pregnant and I just don't know it? Ugh, there's that negativity again. Must. Think. Positive.

I think I need to buy a doppler.

SheLovesMrHip · October 2011

First of congrats on being pg! That is awesome and just stay in the moment with that! We have all been there and know how stressful this time is....

If your clothes are getting to the point of tight, then go and and just a few things to hold you over for now.....

Also, as for the the meds, talk to your doc if you are that worried. I was on a TON of meds for my kidney from the time I was 17weeks pg to delivery and our LO had zero issues from them (thank God!) Stay positive and GL!!

emd2887 · October 2011

(((Hugs))) I can totally relate to how you feel, as can probably most, if not all, of the women on this board. It's hard to be pregnant when you know that it doesn't automatically ensure that you will have a baby at the end of 9 months. It does get better, little by little. If you feel like the anxiety and worrying is controlling your life, I'd recommend seeing a therapist. I did and it was the best decision I made regarding my pregnancy.

BritanyV · October 2011

Izabella22:
*HUGS* I'm with you, I am 27 weeks and can't bring myself to start buying stuff for this baby yet, I just feel like I'm going to jinx the pregnancy. I know its silly and that I really need to start getting ready... but I do feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Its completely normal part of Pgal... it stinks, but normal. Can I suggest just quitting the dr google? I stopped around 6wks b/c I was driving myself crazy and once I stopped it really helped my anxiety level come down. I know its hard, but there really is nothing you can do besides try to relax as much as possible. I had to stop visiting the mc/pl boards and reading posts about loss b/c they would just get me more nervous and get the gears churning... probalby selfish, but for my own mental state, I do what I have to do. Hang in there, and feel free to vent here anytime.

ME TOO!

I was at BRU the other day buying gifts for the onesie exchange on the BMB and then for a cybershower on another board I frequent and the clothes was "Buy 2 get 1 Free"...I got the free thing for LO...this is the 1st thing I have bought and I started to cry when I was walking out of the store because I bought something for him!

I really need to get ready for this baby!

MickeyM04 · October 2011

stephsteph77:

Being PGAL is tougher than I ever could have imagined. It's so hard to enjoy any of it, and the mantra of "today I am pregnant and I love my baby" doesn't help me because... what if today I'm not pregnant and I just don't know it? Ugh, there's that negativity again. Must. Think. Positive.

I think I need to buy a doppler.

This is exactly how I feel too!! What if the baby stopped growing and I don't even know about it?? I keep going back and forth about the doppler. Part of me is like, if I had one I could use it and feel some relief (my doc found the HB with a doppler on Thursday so it's probably not too early for me to find it)...but a bigger part of me knows that with my anxiety, if I have trouble finding it, I will FREAK OUT. If I count the heart rate and it's lower than it usually is, I will FREAK OUT. If I count the heart rate and it's higher than it usually is, I will FREAK OUT. So all in all it seems like bad idea for me personally.

Thanks everyone for all your kind words. I am so sorry that ANY of us have to deal with the fear and anxiety that comes with being PgAL and wish that all of us could just enjoy being pregnant.

MickeyM04 · October 2011

jessuhmarie:
Peanut! I just want to shake you! (: I seriously have such a positive feeling about your pregnancy. I really wish I had some advice on how to get rid of the anxiety you're feeling (but I obviously can't relate just yet). I will be stalking the boards Friday because I just KNOW you're going to come back with an awesome update from your appointment!

Jessuh you are so sweet. Thank you so much for your kind words and for thinking of me and I will be sure to post an update on Friday whether it be good or bad!!

Feathah · October 2011

I TOTALLY relate! I'm only now starting to relax a little bit. But have not bought a single thing for baby and dreading preparing the baby's room for fear the worst will happen. I am usually very level headed and rational. But throughout this pregnancy I have been so superstitious! I think it's our way of protecting ourselves emotionally. Lots of hugs to you and CONGRATS!

jaxie320 · October 2011

Hugs to you. PGAL is tough but you don't want to look back and regret being too worried to be excited. I have a doppler and it's been helpful for me, but I've been able to find the heartbeat fairly quickly each time. I could see how it could cause more anxiety.

mrs.gee · October 2011

It's just really hard. The "Today I am pregnant and I love my baby thing" never really resonated with me. But, at a certain point I realized that I was not going to be any less sad about a loss by not allowing myself to be happy now. In the end, I wasn't protecting myself from anything, I was just making myself miserable when I didn't need to be.

As cliche as it sounds, I just try very hard to be in the moment. I don't think ahead to appointments, I don't think of what the afternoon will be like if I get this news or that news or what it will sound like coming out of the doctor's mouth (I had plenty of time to do that even before I'd ever had a loss and I was still a nervous wreck). It has really helped me to just actively stop those negative thoughts and put them aside. Bit by bit the days and weeks go by and I am [relatively] sane. It is really hard, but you can do it. xo.

amu1234 · October 2011

I totally understand your worries, but you definitely need to stay away from Google! That made me completely crazy, and did not bring me any peace of mind. Believe in what you are feeling, like your clothes getting tighter, and try to enjoy the little milestones you hit. Being PgAlL is not easy- hang in there and GL.

chloebeth930 · October 2011

I understand. I have 3 vacation days I need to use before November but I won't take them yet because I'm sure I'm going to hear bad news at my appointment tomorrow and need another D&C.

The 1 thing that sometimes makes me feel rational is this, "I might as well enjoy being pregnant because I know what it feels like to have a miscarriage. Even if I would sit around everyday not enjoying being pregnant and preparing for a miscarriage, it still wouldn't make having one any easier; so I might as well enjoy it and just think positive thoughts."

meeko1985 · October 2011

Peanut, EVERYTHING in your post seriously could have been written by me. I feel EXACTLY the same way, even the part where your DH made that comment... it sounds just like me and my husband. Being PGAL is soooooooooooooooo difficult. Sometimes I think it the most difficult thing I've ever been through, only because of the constant worry and stress spread out over weeks and weeks and weeks....

chusum · October 2011

I can relate! I keep hearing good news, but I am finding it difficult to get happy. My doctor told me today that if I was anyone else he would tell that patient looks like this is a very good pregnancy and we are officially in a safe place. I'm still going to be nervous before each appointment and afraid of the outcome 100% of the time.

bbhalphen · October 2011

Peanut2929:
stephsteph77:

Being PGAL is tougher than I ever could have imagined. It's so hard to enjoy any of it, and the mantra of "today I am pregnant and I love my baby" doesn't help me because... what if today I'm not pregnant and I just don't know it? Ugh, there's that negativity again. Must. Think. Positive.

I think I need to buy a doppler.

This is exactly how I feel too!! What if the baby stopped growing and I don't even know about it?? I keep going back and forth about the doppler. Part of me is like, if I had one I could use it and feel some relief (my doc found the HB with a doppler on Thursday so it's probably not too early for me to find it)...but a bigger part of me knows that with my anxiety, if I have trouble finding it, I will FREAK OUT. If I count the heart rate and it's lower than it usually is, I will FREAK OUT. If I count the heart rate and it's higher than it usually is, I will FREAK OUT. So all in all it seems like bad idea for me personally.

Thanks everyone for all your kind words. I am so sorry that ANY of us have to deal with the fear and anxiety that comes with being PgAL and wish that all of us could just enjoy being pregnant.

I felt/feel the SAME way. I'm nearly 24 weeks and still very, very scared. The anxiety is overwhelming at times. It has gotten a little bit better after the 20 week mark, but it's still there. I don't know if it will ever go away, even after LO is born, if everything goes OK. I'm hoping to get some meds after I have the baby.

As for the doppler, I had the same feelings that you have about it. I also didn't want to freak myself out with it, so I waited until after 13 weeks to even order one. I'm so glad I did now, and I'm also super glad I waited that long, because I'm always able to find it. I do worry sometimes if it's a little higher/lower than I think it should be, and when that happens, I try to remind myself that baby is either sleeping or super active. I go back a few hours later and things are usually OK. My OB does know I have a doppler and told me I could come in if I ever didn't find the hb, or if I was worried. I was really grateful to hear that, but so far, I haven't needed to.

coreysmomma · October 2011

I am sorry you are feeling like this, Peanut. I can relate somewhat. I start feeling comfortable in my pregnancy and then I freak out and think something bad might happen. Honestly, my Doppler did stress me out a little bit at first, but once I heard baby, I LOVE my Doppler and it is so relieving. I would recommend it.

LottaLattes · October 2011

mrs.gee:

It's just really hard. The "Today I am pregnant and I love my baby thing" never really resonated with me. But, at a certain point I realized that I was not going to be any less sad about a loss by not allowing myself to be happy now. In the end, I wasn't protecting yourself from anything, I was just making myself miserable when I didn't need to be.

As cliche as it sounds, I just try very hard to be in the moment. I don't think ahead to appointments, I don't think of what the afternoon will be like if I get this news or that news or what it will sound like coming out of the doctor's mouth (I had plenty of time to do that even before I'd ever had a loss and I was still a nervous wreck). It has really helped me to just actively stop those negative thoughts and put them aside. Bit by bit the days and weeks go by and I am [relatively] sane. It is really hard, but you can do it. xo.

This is very well-said, and great advice (that I'm now trying to follow!)

BarooGirl · October 2011

I just want to give you a hug.

I hope you get to enjoy this sometime. ((hugs))

sabrina69barnes · October 2011

((Hugs)) I feel exactly the same way you do. I had very low progesterone at my frist beta. I've been on progesterone supplements ever since and have seen a heartbeat but I'm still worried that I will have a missed m/c that wont be discovered until my NT scan because of the progesterone supplements. I'm also spending too much time on google. I wear mostly yoga pants but my jeans are all too tight. I haven't even brought up my maternity clothes from the basement yet because I'm afraid it will be too painful to have to put them away again if something goes wrong. Hopefully everything will be ok at my NT scan and I will be able to relax a little bit.

loves*green*mlkglass · October 2011

I can definitely relate to a lot of this. I haven't been a big Googler, but when I had bronchitis last month I was terrified to take my antibiotics and Tylenol even though I knew it would do more good than harm. I also hated buying maternity clothes for the same reason.

I have yet to buy a single thing for this LO other than a doppler...but I'm too scared to even take it out of the package because of the thought of not being able to find the heartbeat. I have my next appointment on Thursday at 15w4d and I still get nervous before each appointment. Don't get me started about a FB announcement because it may be sometime in April.

I think all of your fears are perfectly normal. We've all been there and/or are currently there now and we're here for you. Big hugs!!

sbphotos · October 2011

I could have written this myself. From the clothes to not wanting to make plans after my appointment to just the constant waiting for that other f*cking shoe to drop. I hear ya loud and clear. Giving you a gigantic hug through the Internet and praying that we both get a chance to relax soon.

Just keep breathing. Everything will be ok.

easjer05 · October 2011

Honey, I am right there with you. I think folks have given you some great advice, but none of it works for me personally. I'm simply a wreck. The pain and the primal memory are simply too deep. It's not worked 7 times before, why would this be different?

Perhaps if one is positive by nature - which I am not - there are other ways to look at it, but if I could ignore the pregnancy until the outcome were certain, I would. I would dearly love to be locked in a padded cell for a bit. That would be nice.

In lieu of that, I'm contacting the psychiatrists recommended by my OB and asking for anti-anxiety medication. My OB pushed me to avoid it during first tri, since I wasn't currently on anything, but after this morning's appointment when I was on the verge of a full blown panic attack and my blood pressure was through the roof (before they couldn't find the heartbeat), she agrees that it's probably the best option for me. I wish I'd been on it weeks ago, it's been a very mentally difficult sort of thing.

There is just so much more tied up in this than just the outcome of the pregnancy. It's hard to cope with. I hope it gets better for you.

Mjmksb04 · October 2011

No advice, I relate completely.

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Vent: I am so tired of not being able to enjoy this pregnancy

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