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Intro, does anyone have PP OCD?

JessandIgliJessandIgli member
in Postpartum Depression

Hi ladies, I've never been on the board before but think I may have PP OCD. Does anyone have any experience with this disorder? Two and a half months ago I gave birth to a beautiful little baby girl. I love her with all my heart. A few weeks after she was born, I started to experience very disturbing thoughts. In these thoughts, I would actually harm her in some way! These thoughts still pop into my head and they cause me so much anxiety.  You have to realize that I would never EVER harm my DD. I love her so much, and know that I am a loving and caring mother to her. I've struggled with anxiety in the past but was never on any sort of medication because it always would come and go. Until today, I just thought I was obssessive, but someone mentioned PP OCD on another board and I googled it. I actually felt relieved to read other people's stories and find out that this is a real condition. I have just been so ashamed and embarrassed to admit I have these thoughts to anyone. I'm scared if I tell anyone they may think I really do want to hurt my child or something! And I don't want to and know that I never would!! Wanting to hurt my child and having random disturbing thoughts I can't control are two different things! No one would ever know there is something wrong with me, my personality is still the same but I did go through a few weeks of some mild depression and not wanting to be alone with the baby. Now that I'm back at work I'm busy enough to have a little more control over the situation- I'm not crying over it or having anxiety attacks over it anymore, but the thoughts are still there. Does anyone have experience with this disorder? On the outside I'm a great mom but feel that until I get some help I may not be able to fully enjoy DD without the constant anxiety. If you read all the way through this I'm sorry it was so long, it's just the first time I've gotten this out. Thanks.

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Re: Intro, does anyone have PP OCD?

  • ksspiffksspiff member

    Girl, don't worry about it being long    :  D

     I don't have OCD, but I know the worry about having family and friends that won't understand.  So I'll talk about that part of your post!

    My family has no experience with any sort of depression or mental 'disorder' (at least none that are out in the open), so i wasn't sure how they would accept it.  In my internet research, I found https://postpartumprogress.org/  It was a great resource for me.  I found their list of symptoms, went through it, and made note of which ones really hit home with me.  Then I shared them with my husband and my mom. I made sure to say I had no feelings about hurting babygirl or myself (thankfully), but that any PPD is serious, and that if I didn't get help, it could go that direction.  i don't think my mom really accepted it until later, and I know my dad really didn't at all, but I stood firm.  I would state over and over again how I felt, how I knew it was irrational, but I couldn't do anything about it on my own.  So keep that in your heart and be strong, don't be embarassed.  PPD is nothing that you did.  It's dumb hormones that make us crazy.  ~shakes an angry fist~

    Now, whenever someone asks, or I bring it up.  I am very confident and casual, not embarassed and appologetic.  Hopefully that puts people at ease on how to respond to me.  I'm still the same person, just dealing with something horrible.

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  • JessandIgliJessandIgli member
    Thanks for the response :) I actually made an appointment for tomorrow morning with my OB, hoping he can point me in the right direction. My mom has bipolar disorder and I have dealt with some anxiety on and off since I was 18. I know my family would understand but I'm not so sure about my husband...I feel like he would see me differently if he knew, does that make sense? I was relieved today to find out that this is an actual condition...I just thought I was alone in this but now I know I'm not. We'll see where this appointment takes me tomorrow. I'm a bit scared of taking meds and the side effects though.
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  • ksspiffksspiff member
    I'd never been on medication until I started Zoloft for PPD.  I understand your trepedation.  Just hope in the fact that any side effects will be better than the OCD.  (you know, if the first medication you try works for you... I'm sure the ladies who had to try a couple different ones before they got the right one had a little more heartbreak about it!)
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  • JessandIgliJessandIgli member
    Went to the OB today. He thinks it's combo of OCD/depression/anxiety. Well in my opinion the OCD gives me the depression and anxiety. But he did say they can all be linked together like that. I'm going to start therapy soon. Not sure how to tell DH or even if I should. I just feel like he won't believe me because on the outside I seem fine. I'm not lying on the couch crying while DD cries. All of her needs are met, but my struggle is internal. Not feeling great about asking for help, who wants to admit they have a mental condition? But I guess I am starting to feel like it's not my fault and I'm not a terrible mom. Thanks for responding!
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  • ksspiffksspiff member

    imageJessandIgli:
    Not sure how to tell DH or even if I should. I just feel like he won't believe me because on the outside I seem fine. I'm not lying on the couch crying while DD cries. All of her needs are met, but my struggle is internal. Not feeling great about asking for help, who wants to admit they have a mental condition? But I guess I am starting to feel like it's not my fault and I'm not a terrible mom. Thanks for responding!

    I think you should tell him.  Guys don't like problems that he can't solve, which is sort of the bucket a mental condition falls into.  But look! you are already working on a solution!  Hopefully that will help him understand.  But whatever his reason for not understanding might be, give him he chance to surprise you.  And if he doesn't, give him the chance to learn.  It's so much better to have a partner by your side when dealing with something like this.

    And congratulations on the therapy soon!

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  • LedabeLedabe member
    I have OCD and generalized anxiety myself.  I struggle with anxiety since LO has arrived.  I find myself not wanting to be alone with her, afraid of what, I have no idea.  Some days I think I can't do this and maybe we waited too long to have kids.  Im 35 and DH is 37 and this is our first.  Im on Luvox, which I took while pregnant.  DH having some anxiety also- he is taking Zoloft.  Mostly my OCD is worrisome thoughts and fear!  I completely understand!  We are here to help!!
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  • JessandIgliJessandIgli member
    Thanks so much ladies! Here's the thing: I made an appointment with a psychologist this week because people keep telling me if I go to a psychiatrist right away they are just going to throw me on drugs from the beginning. I would love to just be able to kick this with therapy only but what if I need drugs? I'm so conflicted about this- I'm fearing going on meds and having them make it worse! I'm going to get the psychologist's opinion on this and then go from there. Maybe I should give myself a month and then if therapy with a psychologist doesn't do the trick find a psychiatrist? Just not sure what to do!
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  • saramae87saramae87
    Jess, I have the very same issues as you do. My little one is 5 months old now. I would love to email back and forth. It could help to have each other to talk to since we both are experiencing the same disorder... email me at saramae.r at gmail dot com.
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  • JessandIgliJessandIgli member

    imagesaramae87:
    Jess, I have the very same issues as you do. My little one is 5 months old now. I would love to email back and forth. It could help to have each other to talk to since we both are experiencing the same disorder... email me at saramae.r at gmail dot com.

    Emailed you! :)

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  • circa1978circa1978

    I'm late to this thread, but I have/had PP OCD and GAD. You don't have to go on drugs if you don't want to. I did a combo of Luvox and cognitive therapy, but the therapy has been the most helpful part. I also went on birth control, Yaz, which helped a ton with the anxiety I was getting around my period.

    I didn't even know about PP OCD or GAD until I saw a post on the bump, so I try to stop by from time to time to see if questions like this have been posted. A lot of people are afraid to talk about it, but we need to, because it IS NOT UNCOMMON. 

      If you ever need to talk to someone else who has been there, you can email me at noel. writers at gmail . com

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