Explaining death to my 3 year old.....help

McKee3 · October 2011

My Grandpa, DD's Great Grandpa was just diagnosed with lung cancer and he has 2 weeks to 6 months left to live. DD knows that he isn't feeling well but I haven't figured out what I want to say to her. We're not a religious family and I would really appreciate any ideas from others who have dealt with this issue. TIA.

Max'smom · October 2011

It is not at all the same as a person dying, but my parents just put their dog to sleep.

I tried to keep it pretty simple. I said that he had been sick and is no longer with us here on earth. He went to live with God and Jesus in heaven and we will see him again someday when we go to live in Heaven. I told him that when people or animals die it is sad for those of us left behind but they are happy to be with God and Jesus.

We are go to church and talk about Jesus and how he died for our sins. So die is not an unfamilar concept to him. How much he graps I am not sure. Like I said I keep it as simple and positive as I can.

Now when I actually have to deal with the death of someone very close to me this may not be so easy.

VTbride05 · October 2011

I am so sorry to hear about your Grandpa.

I have no real advice, but wanted to say that when we had to explain the death of DH's grandfather last spring DS was okay with it all. I thought that the idea of heaven and being gone was way too abstract, but he just took what we said and moved on. We never said that Grandpa was "sick and died" b/c we didnt want him to think that if he got sick/we got sick we would die.

So sorry for your family!

Wally3 · October 2011

I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather.

I agree with pp just spend extra time and don't talk about him passing until it happens. Then if you want to keep religion out of it I would say that grandpa is no longer with us. He now lives in your memories, so we can still talk about him and look at pictures.

NewFamily09 · October 2011

I agree with PP about not saying anything until he actually passes. Then, keep it simple. If you believe in Heaven, you can explain that his body stopped working, but his spirit gets to go to Heaven and he is having a lot of fun there. I think there are good books for kids about dying.

AutumnBride929 · October 2011

I am in the process of raising our two LOs with the concept of death. Obviously, DD is still much too young but she will grow up with an awareness that Daddy died. DS is the tricky part. I guess he knew something wasn't right very shortly after. He knew Daddy was gone but not why he was gone. I feel as though we didn't really have to say much. We talk about Matt all the time, show DS pictures of him, videos, and explain that he died and is in Heaven (I know you said you weren't religious so that is just from my own experience).

I think it's harder on me right now to communicate this idea than it is for him to hear it because he is just so young. Once he (and DD) is older, they will understand more and probably go through their own grieving process when they fully realize that their dad died and how he died. They will see other kids with their dads, whole families, etc. and wonder why it's not like that for us.

I am just really focused on keeping Matt's memory alive for them through pictures, videos, music and stories. I feel that is the best thing I can do and when they are old enough to ask questions, I will be able to explain more.

I think that DS sensed what was happening early on though... with all of the new people in our house, the traveling, moving homes, the visitation and funeral, and cemetery visits (he knows where Matt is when I say "Bring this to Daddy"... about flowers on his grave; DS brings flowers to where Matt is buried) And, of course, all of this coinciding with never seeing Daddy again (and seeing me and other family members mourn). MIL tells me they have so much going through their little minds, they know way more than we think they do. It will only be a matter of time before he can fully communicate to me his thoughts and questions. And I will answer his questions simply and honestly.

I know this situation is different from yours but I think a lot of situations like this will vary from person to person and especially from child to child. Your DD is older so she may understand more. This is just my experience with introducing death to mu two-year old. It has been a pretty gradual process. It's not easy on us to have to do it and I'm very sorry you are going through this. I might just continue to say he is not feeling well, keep that idea in her head. I'm not sure if it would be helpful to talk about him dying before he actually dies. I just don't know if she would fully understand. I did not have that as Matt died very suddenly and unexpectedly so it has been a lot of explain-as-we-go type of stuff.

Best of luck and my condolences are with you and your family. Sorry this came out so long! I hope some of it helps a little.

MegGary · October 2011

So sorry you are going through this. When my aunt died in February we told her we where going to say our goodbyes to her. I'm not religious either but DD went to a Catholic run daycare & knows about Jesus. So I told her that Aunt Catherine has gone to be with Jesus now. My 2 yr old said, "I know Jesus, he's my friend." It melted my heart to hear her say that. Because I knew she was ok with it all.

Maybe when the time comes offer your child an alternative to Jesus or God. Or if you believe in God, let them know thats where your loved went. They went to spend their days with Him & to watch over them from afar.

ghm · October 2011

I'm really sorry. Is she close to him?

I'm not overly religious (not as much as my family, though I believe in heaven) and I struggle with explaining my dad's impending death to my daughter (3 next month). My older kids get it, but DD2 just doesn't. She adores her poppop. I have no freaking clue how I'm going to explain to her that her grandpa just isn't there any more.

I know this wasn't helpful in the least, but I want you to know that I'm thinking of you guys. My older 2 dealt with death at an earlier age, but the person wasn't super close. Because of that, though, they're more familiar with the concept and understand what's happening now.

Honestly, having a concept of heaven has made it easier on my older kids, as it brings them some peace. My youngest isn't old enough to grasp anything like that, so it's as simple as "poppop's gone" when the time comes around. Religion wouldn't really help at this age anyway. I can tell you that it's going to fuckingsuck. She's going to wait for him to come see her or be there at home (she sees him at least once/week right now). Ugh.

sorry to hijack your thread. PM me if you need to talk.

Sept1006bride · October 2011

I normally don't post on this board, but we recently went through this a few months ago. My grandmother passed away, and my DD (then 35 months) was close with her. I told my DD that she was very old and very sick and she died. She no longer lives here with us but in the sky where she is now happy and no longer in pain. And if we ever need to speak to her, we can look up and talk to the sky. She will forever be in our hearts and our minds. We still talk about this whenever my DD brings her up and asks when she is coming back. We play with things I have been given to help me keep her memory alive (dolls, dress up clothes, etc). And we read Remembering Crystal by Sebastian Loth.

I am sorry you have to go through this.

McKee3 · October 2011

Thanks for all the great responses. DD sees him twice a month so she knows him as part of her family. He always makes her giggle and loves seeing her more than anything else in the world. I know she'll be sad when he's gone but I'll explain that he's not sick anymore and that he'll always be in our hearts and memories. I definitely think keeping it simple is best for her.

The hardest part will be deciding when to stop taking her to see him. He's going downhill quickly and I don't want her to remember him at his weakest. Thanks again for the concern and advise ladies.

ghm · October 2011

McKee3:
Thanks for all the great responses. DD sees him twice a month so she knows him as part of her family. He always makes her giggle and loves seeing her more than anything else in the world. I know she'll be sad when he's gone but I'll explain that he's not sick anymore and that he'll always be in our hearts and memories. I definitely think keeping it simple is best for her.

The hardest part will be deciding when to stop taking her to see him. He's going downhill quickly and I don't want her to remember him at his weakest. Thanks again for the concern and advise ladies.

I think it's a good idea to continue taking her to see him. I've never made a point to shield my kids from life...and death and the dying process is part of life. I did wait a couple of days to take my kids to see my dad after his cancer surgery, but they did see him. It helps them grasp the situation.

Sept1006bride · October 2011

Keep taking her until she shows signs of being scared. All three of you will appreciate the time. And afterwards, be sure to keep special time for the two of you consistent with what you would have spent with your grandfather.

melrob414 · October 2011

I'm sorry to hear about your grandpa. This is my first time on/posting on this board but I felt like I was reading a post I could have written myself. My grandfather just passed away last week from lung cancer. He was diagnosed at the very end of June and was told he had 6-12 month left to live. We told my DD, who just turned 3 a few days ago, that he was sick. I'm not overly religious either, but when he passed I did tell her he was an angel in heaven now. She didn't seem to pay attention to what I was saying and seemed preoccupied in playing with her toys. She had been with my mom to his home several times while I was at work because she picks her up from daycare for me and keeps her for a few hours, so seeing grandpa was something she was somewhat used to. He was in a hospice facility for the last 2 weeks of his life and she heard us saying we were going to visit him and a few days before he passed she asked several times to go see him and insisted and got upset when we told her she couldn't. I felt it would be too traumatic for her to see him the way he was. 2 days before he passed he was pretty much in a state where he slept almost constantly so, after a long talk with my dad, we decided we would take her to see him as long as he was sleeping when we arrived and were just going to tell her he was taking a nap. She was afraid at first and ran from the room but when we were almost out to the parking lot she cried that she wanted to see him. I took her back, held her and went to his bedside and she just turned her head. We left after that. We were not going to bring her to his viewing last week but during the first session, my dad felt it would be good for my mother and aunts to have her there. She had gone to my other grandfather's when she was a little over a year old and didn't have any ill effect afterwards. We made sure this time to keep her in the back of the room with coloring books and other activities. She didn't really notice him at all until about halfway through and she told us he was sleeping. She didn't approach him, nor did we force her to. She hasn't asked for him since and hasn't mentioned it or seemed like it negatively affected her. I think we expect them to understand or be affected more than they really are.I would go with whatever your heart tells you to do. I have no regrets in how I handled anything at all with her.

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