- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
C-sections
craxyrae
member
Jealous of vaginal births?
craxyrae
member
in C-sections
I had an unplanned c-section 10 weeks ago due to failure to progress/slight fetal distress. I was quite upset after because I felt that I had failed and couldn't understand why I wasn't able to progress and deliver vaginally. I finally started to feel better after this board was started and I heard about other moms feeling similar feelings. I didn't have a rough c-section, but I was rather upset during the surgery feeling all of the pressure/tugging and feeling almost like there were hands too far up to be pulling out the baby...really just anxiety, but I didn't get to focus much on Parker's arrival. I got to see him and BF right away in recovery, but I felt like a failure for so long.
A friend of mine had her baby last week and just called me today to chat. She was going into detail about her birth and I started to get upset again. Her comment about "it was the most amazing feeling when he came out" and "it was just the most amazing thing". I know she didn't mean anything by it, but it almost felt like she was rubbing it in my face. It also didn't help that the doctor on call for her was my doctor (who was awesome) and the one I got only came in to tell me that I needed the c-section and I never saw him again. Nor does it help that she has been all about her since she announced her pregnancy and I've felt distant since she waited a week to call me after I told her I was in the hospital for high BP at 32 weeks (and when she did call she complained about her 5 month pregnant aches for over an hour).
I know I have other drama with this friend, but I was ok until she made her comments about the birth being so great. Sorry, I realize this is more of a vent, but I've been crying for the past 45 minutes and I am wondering if other moms feel the same way?
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Jealous of vaginal births?
Oh gosh! I'm so sorry that she hurt your feelings! Mostly I feel pretty good about the c/s. However, a few months after DD was born one of DH's coworkers had a baby. He came home and said she delivered her ten pound baby 100% naturally and wasn't that amazing! I burst into tears. I know he didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but it really stung since I couldn't deliver my 6 pound 13 ounce baby naturally. I think that's a normal way to feel, especially if you've been planning for things to go completely differently.
{hugs}
I'm so sorry you still feel that way about your c-section. I had an emergency section with my first and I know what you're saying about the tugging etc. It feels unreal to know what's happening yet have no control over it.
I looked at it from the perspective that it was an amazing time - my child was born, safely - which was not going to happen if we stayed in labor. In the end that's what matters. Your health and that of your darling.
Your friend is a PITA in my opinion and probably has LOADS of insecurities in other areas for various reasons and just had to brag about her delivery as that's all she's got to brag on! I had the FAIL feeling about sleepless nights & other things - which my hubby could not understand. He didn't understand why we (as a mutual friend had a baby at the same time) kept putting SO much pressure on ourselves - and for what? We delivered healthy babies and were keeping them alive & thriving and isn't that what counts?
I'm about to head in for #2 now - a scheduled section - which gets me the side eye, but I don't care. I have cared for and nurtured this babe from conception and whether she was to be born via section or vagina, she will be here and be well and in the long run that's all I care about.
Anyway - I go on too much... I just want to say give yourself a break. You have a beautiful baby and focus on the miracle that is your babe and the present. Dwelling on the past and things beyond our control only leads to heartache...
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Hugs.
You're not alone. I had a very tough 3 months after DD was born in regards to regrets and feelings of inadequacy. Like I had made all the wrong decisions, like I could've done it if I had only done so-and-so instead.
Just a little background, I went into labor spontaneously and labored well. I stayed at home for 7 hours and was 2cm and 80% when I got to the hospital. I was doing okay with the pain and progressed to 4.5cm and 90% in about 4 hours. But that's when I started making what I consider to be my "bad" decisions. I OK'd the epi then, when I had told myself I would wait until 6cm. I also OK'd pitocin, and I don't know why. My labor was slow, but that should've been okay. These things kept me confined to the bed, when I had been doing really well walking and laboring in the jacuzzi tub. I think I subconsciously collapsed at that point, I had already failed. I did fully dilate but I was having intense pain in my ribs and couldn't take a deep breath to push properly. But I tried...for 3.5 hours I tried to push her out. She was forehead up and would not pass under my pelvic bone. I was a totally exhausted mess, going from laughing one minute to hysterical tears the next. I was barely awake when they took me to the OR, but I stayed awake to hear her cry and was able to breastfeed and hold her in recovery. But I was immobilized and drugged up and literally couldn't keep my eyes open an hour after the surgery. I passed out and didn't see DD until I was in my room 4 hours later when she needed to nurse.
I have talked out my feelings with DH and he always says all the right things - that DD was so large, that I was so brave, that even if I don't remember it, I did all that I possibly could and that I had nothing left at the end. But I still think that if I had made different decisions during labor, I might have been better off. I will always think this, and I will never know if it's true. I guess I sort of came to terms with my c/s and the feelings of failure ebbed somewhere around 4-5 months, when I started to feel like myself again (my recovery sucked). I look at my daughter and realize it doesn't matter, she's here and she's so healthy and so beautiful.
I have a couple friends who are pregnant now and I do worry about how their labor experiences will compare, and I'm positive that I will get pangs of sadness, envy, and regret if they're able to deliver naturally when I wasn't. You're not alone in those feelings,and it's okay.
I worry about my next labor experience. I would love to try for a VBAC, but I also worry about the risks involved, and I hate that I have to be scared of delivering naturally now. I'm a small person and DD was almost 9lbs when she came out. If my next baby measures big throughout the pregnancy like DD did, I probably won't try. But I did cherish the labor experience while I had it, so I know the sad feelings will return if I have another c/s, especially if it's planned. But again, I'll have to come to terms and realize that what matters is the healthy baby.
I hope this helps, hang in there.
Hugs. It gets better.
I've had some similar feelings, but I'm now at the point where I can be happy for my friends who are having wonderful births. I read all of the birthing books, took classes, planned a homebirth with a wonderful midwife, and did everything else I could think of to set myself up for a great, natural birth. Things just didn't work out, and I ended up with a csection. Intellectually I know there was no other choice. I did absolutely everything I could. I pushed for 7 hours with every ounce of energy I had. I don't have any regrets, and I know there was no other way the baby was coming out. There came a point when I *knew* it was time for the surgery, and I listened to my body. I feel blessed to live at time in history when a cesarean is an option because I know that 100 years ago, either one or both of us wouldn't have made it. Still, knowing all of that, it still hurt to see people have perfect births. There was a particular acquaintance who could have cared less about how she gave birth. She didn't plan, she didn't research, she didn't do any of the things I did, but she went into the hospital and had a perfect baby in like 4 hours start to finish. It hurt. A lot. It was obviously nothing *she* did, but the feelings were still real.
Time and perspective help to heal these type of wounds. A friend just had a lovely VBAC (which I will never be a candidate for because of a surgical complication), and I can honestly say that I felt nothing but joy for her and her family. I had a huge smile on my face when I read the email that said she had her baby naturally, as she had hoped for.
Let yourself be sad for awhile because it is sad to miss out on an opportunity you really hoped for. These are natural emotions that you have to work through. Give yourself permission to cry and grieve a little bit
Aw, she sounds pretty jerky in general, to be honest. But your feelings are pretty normal.
I had an unplanned c-section with DS1, and then he was hospitalized for a week after he was born, which totally messed DH and I up. He was fine in the long run, but it was a hard time. Anyhoo, the whole first year he was born, I would cry whenever anyone we knew had a baby and it was a straightforward vaginal birth. And then I would feel like a total jerk being that way. It's hard! Hang in there, and know you aren't alone. I felt like DS1's first birthday was a huge milestone for all of us, and I was able to deal with what we went through much better around then, too.
And maybe think about not talking to your friend, in all seriousness...
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
It really stinks when you look back on your child's birth & the circumstances make you feel sad :-(
FWIW, I had a vaginal delivery and it sucked big-time. I have no good feelings about it whatsoever, and am actually quite bitter about the fact that everything you hear/read before you give birth tells you that it's a wonderful, magical experience. Well, it wasn't. At least not for me. No wonderful feeling when she came out, no magical connection when they handed her to me. The delivery was awful. Miserable, miserable recovery. Bad enough damage to me (will require surgery when I'm done having kids) that I'm opting for a c-section this time so it doesn't get worse.
I've heard that unplanned c-sections are much more difficult, physically and emotionally. I'm sorry that it wasn't a good experience for you. But if it makes you feel any better, not all vaginal births are great & wonderful & happy. Who knows? You may have had a terrible vaginal birth, too...my sister just gave birth & had a natural, easy delivery. The girl doesn't even look like she gave birth, and said she doesn't even feel like she did. After her delivery, I sat on my couch with DH & cried hysterically. I feel like I failed, I feel like my experience should've been better, I hate that I have bad memories of DD's birth. And she's 3 now.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Delivering a baby doesn't make you a mommy. It's what you do after that makes you a mommy
Your feelings are very normal
After my c/s, I felt jealous of others for a long time. When my SIL had an easy labor and delivery 9 months after my c/s, I cried. She smoked and did drugs during her pregnancy while I took care of myself and worked hard to have a natural birth and it just seemed so unfair. I couldn't watch TV shows that had births anymore and I hated hearing or reading birth stories.
It does get better though, I promise. I don't think the negative feelings about my c/s will ever completely go away but overall I have made peace with it. I think my c/s experience made me a wiser and more empathetic person, and that is something to be valued.
GL.
Thanks everyone! I love this board!
Yes, this "friend" is somewhat of a jerk...she tends not to think before speaking often. I will not be going out of my way to speak with her again soon, that is for sure.
I am truly blessed with my son, he is such an awesome little dude, and he makes me smile every day. I know I didn't have too much of a hard time of things with his delivery, I think it is just still fresh and that I sort of still mourning what might have been and I'm a bit hard on myself thinking that I failed being a mom by not progressing on my own. The support from this board is amazing and I thank everyone of you for helping me move forward!
Your friend is still on her high of having a baby. I know it may have seemed like she was rubbing it in your face but she is still going through the emotions so I would try not to hold it agianst her.
I personally cannot listen to any vaginal birth stories or read them though. I am better now and I can listen to them without crying afterward but I would immediately go into a very blue state and cry in the beginning. I was knocked out for my c-section and told I can never vaginally deliver so I had a lot of emotions to process (and still do but it is better).
Mom to Carter (6), and Calianne (1).
Proud VBAC, natural birth, breastfeeding, cloth diapering momma!
The interesting thing is that I intentionally didn't have a birth plan because I knew anything could happen, especially having to be induced and I didn't want to be upset if things didn't go as planned.
I didn't think I was upset when I was told I needed one, but I think I was just going through the motions at that point. My mom tells me I cried when the doctor told me, but I didn't think I cried until later when I told my husband (he was out getting a coffee when they broke the c-section news to me). The surgery upset me as I couldn't get past the feelings and thoughts of people inside of me, but it really was the feeling of being a failure that has haunted me more than anything. I felt/feel like I failed not going into labour on my own, and not progressing and not even getting to the point of pushing. The failure feeling is what upsets me most...like women have been having babies since the beginning of time, why couldn't my body do what it was supposed to? I think the jealousy over vaginal births is because I feel like I missed out on something amazing because I'm a failure and I may never get to experience a "real" birth. I was also the only person I know IRL who had a c-section, so I had no one to talk to about it.
Last night I was actually thinking that I don't know if I bonded with him right away in the hospital thought and perhaps that might have been different with a vaginal birth. I think until I started to look after him completely on my own (after about a week), I didn't have the bond/relationship I felt would have been there from the beginning. I'm a little sad to admit that, but I know we're an awesome team now and I couldn't be happier! I am beyond thrilled that my son is happy and healthy, I fall in love with him more and more each day!
Thanks for your stories and support ladies! It means so much to me.
I remember having occasional feelings like you were describing, in the early weeks, and I didn't have a "friend" who was rubbing it in my face. I could definitely see myself reacting the same way if I did. Keep in mind that your hormones are still in major flux, beyond the new mommy exhaustion, and that probably is still a factor.
I also had an unplanned C-section under general (the general a had nothing to do with emergency/distress--for unrelated factors I couldn't get an Epi/Spinal). That said, I look back at how unbelievably happy I was when I first met DD, I also feel that even though I didn't push her into the world I did experience **some** of a vaginal birth since I was in labor--perhaps an "upside" to having an unplanned C-section. It also helped to hear my mom downplay the whole vaginal birth experience. Soon after I also met other new moms, many of whom had C-sections. You just said you are the only one you know IRL who had one, chances are there are PLENTY of other women you know who also had c-sections, but perhaps they just aren't talking about it or you just never knew. The farther you get away from the birth the less you think about it/the less it really matters. (I doubt anyone with a 1st grader really focuses too much on it).
As much as you can try and focus on the only thing that REALLY matters you and your baby are healthy. I would also keep a distance (as much as possible) from people/situations that make you upset about your birth experience. I would say 99.5% I am totally happy with all about what happened, that said there are some natural child birth moms who LOVE talking about their wonderful experiences 2 years ago, and even though they aren't preachy about it I typically try not to discuss birth with them too much and typically walk away when they get all doe-eyed talking about people we know who did natural or even home birth.
I am PG with #2 and am fairly certain about doing a RCS and feel good about it. I am also SO glad that this board is here, it is a great resource for our emotions as well as mundane/practical questions.