WWYD?

bb_n_jp · October 2011

Hi everyone - I know I owe you all an update. The short story is DH and I are officially divorcing. I filed in August, and things should be final in Jan or Feb. The longer story is his problems have gotten worse, he's done some pretty horrific/sketchy financial things, and I believe he's slept with the better part of Nor Cal in the last five months. He's icky, and I'm really ready to be done with this and start rebuilding my life. I have the boys 90% of the time, and he is not allowed to have them overnight ever. If he screws up with them one more time (he's been late/no-showed/showed up high a few times), his visitation gets revoked completely.

The WWYD question: STBX's birthday is on Saturday. I would really, truly like to let it pass without even an acknowledgment from anyone, but I feel like I should have the boys pick out a card or something for him. Thoughts?

Feel free to ask me any questions if you guys want more of an update than this. I'm a total open book about all of this, in hopes that a free-flow exchange of information can both help me and help anyone else who has a spouse with addiction issues.

2bearichards · October 2011

First of all, hugs. You are such an amazing woman, I admire you so much.

Is J going to see the boys on Saturday? If not, I would probably skip it this year, like Julie said, they are so young they probably won't know the difference. As they get older they can decide what kind of relationship they want with him.

KellyMRocks · October 2011

2bearichards:
First of all, hugs. You are such an amazing woman, I admire you so much.
Is J going to see the boys on Saturday? If not, I would probably skip it this year, like Julie said, they are so young they probably won't know the difference. As they get older they can decide what kind of relationship they want with him.

ditto... and huge hugs for you.

marsnemmo · October 2011

2bearichards:
First of all, hugs. You are such an amazing woman, I admire you so much.

Is J going to see the boys on Saturday? If not, I would probably skip it this year, like Julie said, they are so young they probably won't know the difference. As they get older they can decide what kind of relationship they want with him.

Agree with R, J and K!!!

Big big hugs mama!!!

kittylove · October 2011

I agree about skiping it if the boys aren't going to see him. If they are then you might have them make a picture for him or something like that. My fear would be you pick out a card with them and if they don't see him or he is a no show on Saturday then they ask why they can't see daddy.

Just wanted to say you seem to be doing so well through all of this. I know you and the boys are going to get through this. (((HUGS)))

mcunningham · October 2011

no advice - just wanted to let you know that i think of you often - and like all of the other women say - you are amazing and such a strong person!!

Mrs.K&C · October 2011

I was going to say the boys should get him a card but the other ladies are right...probably best to skip it since they are so young and don't know otherwise. Big hugs Blair! We have to meet for lunch or something one of these days.

kfishie · October 2011

First off, huge hugs to you B! You are an amazingly strong woman.

My two cents, *IF* you want to do anything, I suggest having the boys color a picture (any picture, it doesn't have to be b-day related, you don't have to tell the boys about his birthday) and then send it to their dad via snail mail.

hersheykiss · October 2011

I agree with the rest of the ladies. I wouldn't acknowledge it with them. And to get your mind of it, maybe take the boys out for the day and have a "We are a family" celebration. Just to have fun together.

Meritage · October 2011

I have no advice, but I wanted to send you more hugs and prayers. You are such a great mom and an amazing woman that inspires all of us, and you are a blessing for those precious boys.

melgrady · October 2011

MrsJulieT:

I think because the boys are so young and because you're in the middle of the divorce, I would just skip any acknowledgment this year. As they get older, if they want to do something for him they can.

I agree. Sending lots of hugs your way.

SweetieP · October 2011

I would say that if and only if the boys are going to see him, have them draw/color/paint a picture for them. Why spend $4 on a card for that pos? And if you're not going to see him, forget it. You're doing such an amazing job! Congratulations for making it this far. I know it hasn't been easy.

SarahCee · October 2011

hersheykiss:
I agree with the rest of the ladies. I wouldn't acknowledge it with them. And to get your mind of it, maybe take the boys out for the day and have a "We are a family" celebration. Just to have fun together.

I like this idea.

Big hugs to you. You are so strong, I hope that you are truly proud of the way that you are handling this situation.

bunch · October 2011

I guess I disagree with the majority above. I'd for sure have them do a card/picture. You don't need to tell the boys which day is dad's bday, just that it is coming up. And send it snail mail. I know he's a POS, and I'm continually amazed at your strength and confidence. But he's still their dad and he always will be. I'd hate for him to have any excuse to discredit you and I feel like if you (struggling with how to say this...) "don't let" them, "don't give them a chance", "don't encourage them to" acknowledge his bday, its an excuse for him to blame you. You aren't to blame, but you need to continue to be the bigger person. They might need to cut him out of their lives and he might (is) do it himself, but I don't think you can do it for them. KWIM?

Of course, the non-admitting addicts in my family are uncles, so more removed than this situation, and it took until adulthood for me to cut them off, so maybe I don't have enough understanding of the immediate situation.

I do, however, like the idea of taking the 3 of you out to do something!

mythreesons03 · October 2011

At this age IMO regardless if they are seeing him or not, I would not get anything. I may remind them to tell him happy birthday, or call him to wish him one. I think anything beyond that is really you doing it and I just would not do anything for him that is really coming from you after all he has done. I think it also is confusing for kids sort of like rewarding the wrong behavior.

ModernMomma · October 2011

bunch:
I guess I disagree with the majority above. I'd for sure have them do a card/picture. You don't need to tell the boys which day is dad's bday, just that it is coming up. And send it snail mail. I know he's a POS, and I'm continually amazed at your strength and confidence. But he's still their dad and he always will be. I'd hate for him to have any excuse to discredit you and I feel like if you (struggling with how to say this...) "don't let" them, "don't give them a chance", "don't encourage them to" acknowledge his bday, its an excuse for him to blame you. You aren't to blame, but you need to continue to be the bigger person. They might need to cut him out of their lives and he might (is) do it himself, but I don't think you can do it for them. KWIM?
Of course, the non-admitting addicts in my family are uncles, so more removed than this situation, and it took until adulthood for me to cut them off, so maybe I don't have enough understanding of the immediate situation.
I do, however, like the idea of taking the 3 of you out to do something!

I agree with bunch. He's still they're dad, and until they decide otherwise trying your best to keep a good relationship between them and him is important. I've always been a big believer that divorce shouldn't change the children's relationship with either parent anymore than it has to, and unfortunately for you they're at an age where they'll need your help with that. I know, it's easier said than done. I'm sorry you have to go through all this.

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