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Pre-School and Daycare
Aimathy
member
I'm heartbroken. How to talk to 3 yr old about death of Grandma
Aimathy
member
My Mom went into the hospital last week and was put on a ventilator. She had COPD but apparently hid the severity of it from us because she did not want us to worry. Sadly, she is doing so poorly that they think she will never be off the ventilator again and will need to be in a nursing home permanently. She has asked us to take her off the ventilator and let her die in peace. 
We are obviously heartbroken...she is only 61. Her grandkids are the loves of her life and my brother, sister and myself are all struggling with how to tell our children that Grandma died.
I'm particularly worried about my 3 year old. The sun and moon rise with Grandma and all day, every day she talks about "Grandma and Poppy this", "Grandma and Poppy that" or "When I see Grandma and Poppy....." I know I need to be direct with her and not use the terms "sleeping" or "sick" but I'm really overwhelmed on how to handle this.
Has anyone gone through this before and can offer some advice? My heart breaks to know that she will never really remember her Grandma, who loves her so much and whom she loves so much. I know she's going to have a really hard time understanding WHY she can't see Grandma or why she's not coming back. And, why she WILL see Poppy, but Grandma won't be with him.
Sigh. I'm sorry this was so long. Please help if you can. Thank you.
PS My Mom mouthed to me tonight "I want you to always love all the kids for me."
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Re: I'm heartbroken. How to talk to 3 yr old about death of Grandma
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
Only experience with losing my gma, not my mom. I told the kids my gma was in the hospital, that her body was sick and soon she would go to heaven. We'd already discussed it when DD was 3 and DS was 5 b/c we talked about how my gpa went to heaven for the same reasons. So, they had a frame of reference. I tried to be very careful to explain that this wasn't an illness like one they could catch and that their bodies were old and tired. I didn't hide my feelings from them, but I didn't ask them to comfort me either. I did tell them at times that I was going to be having a tough day and they could appreciate that.
I'm sorry you're going through this difficult time. (((hugs)))
I am so sorry about your mom.
My mom died when my niece was 6 and my nephews were 2 and a baby. The 6 year old was with my mom all the time while my sister worked. She would spend every weekend there, and they were BFF's. My nieces whole world was her Grandma Chi Chi and vice versa. My mom died very suddenly in her sleep at only 57 and my sister was just devestated to tell my niece (the boys were too young to really know what was going on).
Our family is religious, and so the obvious route was that Grandma went to Heaven to be with Jesus and she is going to look over us and will always be with us stuff. At 6 she had a very basic Sunday School knowledge that heaven is where people go when they die, but it was really hard for her to grasp that she would never see my mom again.
I would ask her to tell you stories about her and grandma and write down all the stories in your DD's voice. Exaclty the way she says them. Mispronunciations and all.
I would also go buy some of those voice recording books from hallmark. Your moms voice will be the first thing you forget. I would give anything to have one of those books with my moms voice.
Put a picture of your mom and DD in a frame in her room. Say good morning to grandma each day, and say goodnight each night. Remind her of funny or special times. Tell her stories about your mom when you were her age.
Your family will be in my prayers.
www.facebook.com/TryVermontFirst
I love these two beautiful children!
I am so sorry for your loss!
We lost FIL last year when DD#1 was 5 1/2, DS was 4, and DD#2 was 9 months. We sat the kids down (with us crying) and explained that Grandpa had died and he was in Heaven with God. We further explained that we were sad and that we missed Grandpa and that it was okay to miss Grandpa and to be sad/cry.
FIL had cancer and had been very sick for a long time, so we knew this would happen. We talked to our pediatrician about this in advance and we had discussed what to say/do. He advised us to also be clear that the kids did NOT cause this and that in NO way was it their fault (he said kids this young can sometimes feel that they are responsible for mommy/daddy being sad).
Our kids handled it pretty well. DS asked MIL, "Nana, is Grandpa done being dead yet?" when he saw her, so it didn't sink in with him. When flying home after the services, DD#1 was looking out the window of the plane. DH asked what she was doing and she said, "Looking for heaven and Grandpa and God." So sweet!!!
We used the same process when we lost our DS#2 at 22 weeks pregnant. We were very clear that it is okay to ask about or talk about Gabriel and to ask questions and that it was certainly okay to be sad and that Mommy and Daddy are very sad. Every once in a while, they still ask us if we miss Gabriel and we are honest: "Yes, we do."
When we announced our current pregnancy, it brought our loss of Gabriel back (as if we would forget!). "Is this baby going to die?" "Is this baby okay?" "Do you miss Gabriel?" We answer honestly as we can and it still makes me cry but I do not want our son to be a taboo topic or for them to be afraid to ask the questions they have.
Good luck to you!
I am a lurker but had to reply.
I lost my mom last year (actually a yr ago this past wkd) to breast cancer. My son was 2 1/2 and LOVED and adored his "purple maw mum". We saw her several times a week. SHe was actually diagnosed with cancer not even a week before we had him. We are christians so we explained to him that she had died and is in heaven now with Jesus.
I made him a scrapbook that has pictures of him with her in it. I still need to write in it about her and her fav's. He talks about her being in his belly (instead of heart not sure why- same with Jesus). and that she is in Heaven with Jesus palying with Sammy (my mil's dog who had died before she did). Occasionaly he will ask if when she gets back from heaven if she can do this or that. Recently it was go to his birthday party. It broke my heart.
I will gently remind him that she cannot come back but if have Jesus in our hearts we will see her when we die.
I also tell him that I too miss her.
I know that at his age he will probably not remember her and that just kills me because he loved her so much and she loved him. I am crying writing this.
Just be honest. Try to preserve the memories as much as possible by asking your child memories. like do you remember this or that and write it down. Make a scrapbook or photo album of him/her with Grandma. Keep it out in the open.
Do not be afraid to let your child see you cry. They need to know its okay to cry. If you see something that reminds you of your mom let your child know that.
I am so sorry for your loss. It is really tough. I had always imagined that my children and I would be much older before I would lose a parent.
HUGS
About 3 weeks ago my husband's great grandmother passed away, she was 97 and it was her time. But we tried to explain to DS that she was sick, went to sleep, but he didn't understand. He kept asking why we didn't just give her medicine. Eventually we told him that Gram was dancing with Pop now and they are together.
https://www.babycenter.com/0_how-to-talk-to-your-preschooler-about-death_65688.bc
I am so sorry for you, your mother, your family, and your child. Please know that you can and will get through this.
My mom passed away suddenly Dec 18 2010. DD was 2 1/2. Her "Gamma" was her best friend. Her sudden passing was quite difficult. I won't lie....the first few months were pretty rough for both her and I. However, it amazes me how quickly little ones accept things and move on. She still talks about Gamma but more often than not it is more matter of fact, "that's my Gamma," or "Gamma and I did X." We had a small set back in early September but she has bounced back pretty quickly. There are a lot of great books and resources out there.
Also, we had dinner with my Dad at his house this evening. My DD didn't mention my mom once. She was too excited to help my Dad make homemade pizza and play with him. It's rough but you all will find a new "normal."
This brought tears to my eyes! So happy for you.